Friday, December 31, 2010
We started the year our with The Hubs still looking for a job and he, fortunately, found that job in February. That was some of our first bits of great news. After that, my department at work expanded and I was promoted to Supervisor and received a raise! These two bits of great news meant we could finally pursue a referral to the RE.
Of course, that led to some of the not so great news, like my diagnoses of diabetes, hypothyroidism, sleep apnea and hyperplasia. And the D&C for the hyperplasia. Not to mention me finally breaking down and having that MRI of my ankle done and finding out I'll have to have surgery on it. All that after starting the year with the baby from our adoption being born and the adoption definitely falling through and the chaos that went with it.
I feel, for the most part though, that even these things had their positives. Now knowing what all the problems I'm facing are, I have the opportunity to work on them and hopefully get them to a place where we can achieve a pregnancy. And having gone through the pain of a failed adoption, I know I can face most anything.
That leads us onto what 2011 has in store. I'll first give you a quick update from my endocrinologist appointment yesterday. Basically, I've had my Metformin and Synthroid doses increased (from 1500mg Met to 2000mg and from 25mcg Synthroid to 75mcg), she's added a new medication (Actos) to the mix and given me an easy-to-follow diet plan. I've also been given lots of information on both Type II Diabetes and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and hope that Actos will assist in helping me ovulate. Lots of good things to look forward to. I actually feel really hopeful for next year. I feel it may be our year - we're on track with treatment, all our parents are now aware we're trying - it just seems a much more positive way to start the year.
The best analogy I can give for why I have such high hopes for 2011? Remember our chihuahua (technically my mom's) that went missing 4 days ago? Well, guess who showed up this morning around 4am. Yup, he's home! I feel that's a sign to hope for and expect the best in the coming year. His return is our sign of better things coming to us in the New Year!
Happy 2011 to you all!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What have I done with my day? Well, I've slept a lot. I've played online a bit. I started a new blog - one that is okay for real life family and friends to follow (I really don't want my school friends or family members reading about what's happening with my uterus, thank you very much). And now I'm writing a post on here. After this, I think I will try to crochet for a little bit before heading back to bed. I still feel no better than I did this morning and, while my fever had gone away earlier, it's now back with a vengeance.
We've had a rather sad week in the Wistful household. One of my mom's chihuahuas went missing the other day. He is the newest chihuahua (born earlier this year), but he was extremely active and hyper. He was let out to use the restroom on Sunday night, however, our dog Melly (the beagle hound who lives outside - she has a fenced in area) is in heat and there were several other large male dogs around. Merlin (the chihuahua) ran off with them and he hasn't returned. My mom thinks he may have been killed by the other dogs, but I'm hoping someone saw him and took him in. I'd much prefer he be with someone else than to think he was dead. I love that dog a lot!
Anyway, as I said, it's been a downer week at our house. I work a half day tomorrow and then I have a doctors appointment with the endocrinologist. My blood sugar is staying too high, so I have to go and see what she thinks I should do. Pray she doesn't stick me on insulin injections! I really don't want to have to do that.
We're supposed to attend a New Year's Eve party at The Hubs' boss' house Friday night, but if I'm still feeling this poorly, we may have to give it a pass. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?
Saturday, December 25, 2010
While I got some really lovely gifts, the holiday felt a little empty. It's nice watching my nieces open their gifts, but I want our own little one in the middle of the fray. I was talking with The Hubs earlier today and I said how much I hope at the end of each year that we'll have a child to join us for the next year. I also said I didn't know if wanting a child so desperately but not believing it would really happen was keeping it from being so. However, I also said that, if I really truly believe with all my heart it will happen and it doesn't, I would be so much more devestated during the holidays. I truly don't know which would be worse.
The more I long for a child and it doesn't happen, the harder and harder it becomes to believe in my heart it will happen one day. I'm hopeful for 2011 because so many things have changed. Firstly, we are seeing an RE now and we've fixed/are in the process of fixing a lot of the problems that have been plaguing me, so that offers hope. Also, our job situations are so much better now than they have been anytime in the last five years, with both of us employed in seemingly steady jobs. And The Hubs has finally told his family that we're trying. Surely all these positives should add up to a positive year, right? I keep hoping, but I often feel foolish for doing so.
It's difficult to explain this to anyone outside the IF community. Even family members who wish us the best can't understand the feeling of desperation and emptiness that accompany the holidays for us. I've always been a huge fan of the fall and winter holiday season - in fact, I'd go so far as to say this has always been my favorite time of year. But in the last few years, it's become less and less so because of what we're missing.
My youngest niece is 9 now. There are only a couple more years left of that true childhood magic Christmas brings. I want our child to be here before that's over for Bug (youngest niece). I want them to share something the way she and Boop (older niece) did. I want them to have that connection. I know it's a tenuous connection, and probably one that is only in my head, but it's improtant to me. I don't want there to be this whole generation gap between them. And I don't want to feel jealous any longer of the joy I see on my sister's and brother's faces when they watch their children enjoying the Christmas magic. I'm praying for a miracle this next year.
Now, I've whined long enough. I'll wrap this post up by wishing each of you the most wonderful holiday season! I pray you each had a safe and joyous Christmas. I'm now going to enjoy the evening with my wonderful husband by watching A Christmas Carol and enjoying a glass of sparkling white grape juice mixed with champagne. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas evening!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Welcome to all ICLWers! My name is Lynn, I'm 32 and married to a great guy (referred to on here as The Hubs). We've been TTCing for 7 years, but so far nada. I suffer from PCOS, lost my right tube to an enormous ovarian cyst 4 years ago and, in the last year, have been diagnosed with sleep apnea, diabetes, hypothyroidism and complex hyperpl.asia. I have recently (last week) been given the all clear on the hyperpl.asia front and, so, The Hubs and I will hopefully be officially starting fertility treatment in January (we've been seeing our RE for 8 months and, prior to our referral, took 4 rounds of Cl.omid and a round of Fema.ra with my OB/GYN).
On a positive note, it seems The Hubs is in stupendous condition and should have no problems fathering a child, assuming my body decides to work semi-correctly =D Also in the column of good news, The Hubs finally did it! He told his parents this past weekend that we are going to be undergoing fertility treatment! This may not sound like such a huge deal to you, however, in the seven years we've been trying, his family have never been aware. Therefore, I'm pretty darn excited about his accomplishment.
A bit about me? I love to read, crafty projects (particularly crocheting and scrapbooking), Glee, singing, dancing and spending time with The Hubs and our dogs. I'm currently in school working on my bachelor's degree in Social Sciences with a concentration in education - I'm hoping to be a teacher in a couple of years. I'm about half-way through my degree and I currently have a 3.94 GPA. I'm very proud of this, if you couldn't tell ;D
I truly adore my blogging buddies and I'm interested in meeting new friends, so please be sure to leave me a comment! Also, I'm starting to plan my reading list for next year, so if you have a suggestions of great books (I love thrillers, fantasy and drama, such as Jodi Picoult, Nicholas Sparks and Barbara Delinsky, but I'm always open to new books!), please feel free to leave them in the comments section! TTFN!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
To refresh your memory, here's how it works:
1. You sign up by filling out this form. Sign up will be open until December 27, 2010.
2. By December 31st, I'll send out your Secret Pal name!
3. On January 1st, the fun commences! You'll visit your secret pals blog (if you already visit - great! If not - you find a new blog! It's a win/win situation) frequently throughout the month, send them an email if they have good news, bad news or just need some support and sometime during month, you'll send them a gift to their home. The gift doesn't need to be anything huge, just a little something to say you're thinking of them.
4. On January 31st, we'll reveal our secret pals!
5. Sign-up for February will open between January 15th and 17th.
There you have it! Easy-peasy fun :D I do have a link for this, but it's not available to me at the moment, so I'll post it either later today or tomorrow. And for those who sign up before I get it up on my blog, I'll even email it to you!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The plan for now is for me to stop Megace immediately. I should start a cycle in the next few days (I've been spotting since the biopsy anyway) and then on January 1, I will take Pro.vera (not Megace - yay, Yay, YAY!) for 7 days. This will be the program for the next few months - Pro.vera for 7 days to start AF. We have an appointment with Dr. O on January 20 and we'll be asking all our questions regarding what we'll be doing as far as infertility treatment goes. Hopefully, we'll get some good answers.
Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! I'm completely convinced all the prayers that were said are behind this great result :D
Saturday, December 11, 2010
He did say that, assuming we get the good news we're hoping for, things still won't be moving very rapidly. He wants to try several months of me taking Meg.ace for seven days a month until my cycle becomes normal. My concern is that, for my cycle to become normal, I would have to be ovulating. Since my body doesn't do that on its own and he isn't planning to give me any medication to help me ovulate, aren't we just going to be going in circles? Is my cycle ever going to regulate if I'm not ovulating? And, if that's the case, are we ever going to get to do fertility treatment?
I'm just feeling very frustrated because we've been seeing him for 8 months so far and we haven't yet been able to do any treatment for the infertility problem. I understand why that hasn't happened so far, what with the hyper.plasia, but surely if the biopsy results come back normal we can get on with things, right? Am I being too impatient?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
This week's topic: What was your all-time favourite Christmas/Hannukah/Twelfth Night/etc. gift and why?
My all-time favourite Christmas gift was a baby doll I received the Christmas I was 10. She was one of the "real" babies and was the most expensive gift I had ever owned. I named her Brittany Anne (a name later stolen by my brother to name my niece). My sister gave me a brass baby bed to have for her. I thought I had gotten the best thing ever. I still have her today, although she is worse for wear and the brass baby bed didn't make it. When I dream of perfect Christmases, this one tops my list! It was also the first Christmas we had foster children living in our home, but that's a story for another time. Ciao!
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Second Six Week D&C Follow-Up
As you may remember from my last updating post, I was waiting for AF to come along. It took two rounds of Megace and stop to bring the ole' gal on but she finally arrived. And proceeded to stay for 3 weeks! Had to start Megace back to stop her. Dr O wanted me to be on Megace for 10 days and then stop. Or at least that's what I was told. When I had been off the Megace again for 10 days and called to find out what my next move was, I was told that he had wanted me to take the Megace for another 40 days, not 10. I had been told differently, but they said I misunderstood. Not sure what happened, but I, nonetheless, was once again started on Megace to go for 30 days and then have another endo.metrial biopsy to see if hyper.plasia is still present. After all this backing and forthing and waiting, that biopsy will happen this Friday. Cross your fingers for some good news, please! I'm hoping no hyper.plasia is present and we can finally get started on our fertility treatment with the RE. I'll also finally be seeing the regular endocrin.ologist on December 30 for my escalating sugar levels. Hoping I get good news there!
We have now hired two more people to replace the one who moved to another department and the one who was let go. They're currently still training, but I think they'll do okay. I also now have a new boss. My old boss decided she wanted to slow down after being asked by her husband to do so. Her last day was earlier this month and another staff member who had been the manager of my area before moved back to the position. I like her and I think I'll get on well with her. I'm still supervising my little department, but she is who I will answer to.
So another year has passed and I am now officially 32 years old. I was on vacation the week of my birthday. I spent the day with my mom visiting doctor's offices. Fun stuff, really.
In addition to celebrating another birthday, The Hubs and I also celebrated another anniversary. We have now been married 8 years. Since my anniversary is the day after my birthday, I was still on vacation, so I made chili for The Hubs' office (he had to work) and carried it up. The Hubs and I had lunch together and I treated his office as well. A good job, I feel.
Thanksgiving and Vacation Trip
In that same vacation week, we celebrated Thanksgiving (my birthday was Monday, November 22, anniversary was Tuesday, November 23) and left for our vacation trip to Helen, GA. Thanksgiving was good. We celebrated with my mom, dad and brother. Then, after the meal, we left headed for our break. We rented a cabin in Helen, GA for the weekend. It was marvelous! The cabin was beautiful and very private. We saw the official lighting of the town for Christmas and saw a beautiful waterfall! We had our pup, Isabel, with us and just generally had a fabulous time. Really glad we did it.
A few posts back you may have seen the photo of my swollen ankle. As I think I mentioned then, this is something that I've been suffering with off and on for 2 years. Well, I finally gave in and got my regular doctor to order an MRI of my ankle. The results? 3 chronically torn ligaments, the talar dome (weight-bearing bone) has a bad lesion and is impending collapse. Bloody fantastic news! (*Note: You should have read extreme sarcasm in that statement!) My regular doc referred me to an orthapedic surgeon and 3 visits and one CAT scan later, it looks like I will probably be having surgery on my ankle in either late March or early April. We are looking at the possibility of me getting away with the lighter surgery (laprascopic clean-out) rather than the more in-depth surgery (they would cut through my ankle bone, clear out the bad bone and replace it with cadaver bone). The difference is that with the laprascopic surgery, I would probably only be out of work for about 6 weeks, while with the other, there would be no weight-bearing on that ankle at all for 3 months. Please say a prayer we can successfully do the laprascopic sugery!
You may be asking why we're waiting so long to do the surgery and that leads to my last bit of news:
I'm going to Vegas!!!!
Yup, you read that right! The Hubs' boss is taking the entire office to Las Vegas in early March and I'm going with him. I only have to purchase my plane ticket (The Hubs' is already taken care of) and the room is paid for. Now, we'll also have to pay for food and entertainment, but, come on, how many times in your life do you get half of a Vegas trip paid for? I am super-duper excited and really looking forward to the trip. The Hubs and I are going to try to see a Cirque du Soleil show while we're there. If anyone has any other suggestions of things that are a must for us to do, please let me know!
So that's what I've been up to. I told you there wasn't really much of interest happening. On a side note, I'm thinking of starting Secret Pals back up in January. What do you think? I'm also planning to make my New Year's resolution to complete things I start in relation to things I do in my leisure time. I'm good about finishing my work projects, but I'm pretty flaky when it comes to my personal projects. I want to work on this more over the next year. I feel it'll help me relax some and possibly be more healthy. Hope all my lovely bloggy buds are doing great!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Right now though, since I'm running incredibly late getting this up and am quickly running out of time, I figured I would go ahead and put up the link to the sign up for the Christmas Ornament Exchange. So, if you're interested in partcipating, please sign up this week! The deadline to sign up is this Friday, December 10, 2010 (I did say I was sorry for the short notice!) and I'll send out the exchange buddies on Saturday, December 11, 2010. We'll aim to get all the ornaments in the mail by December 15, 2010.
Hope you're all having a fabulous holiday season!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I'm still not completely over my sickness yet. In fact, I'm losing my voice again now and coughing a good bit again, but I'm feeling okay, so I guess I can make do with that. I'm still waiting for AF to decide if she's going to show or not. After that first two weeks off Megace and nothing happening, Dr. O started me back on the meds for another week and then off again. I'm currently 12 days off the meds again and, although I've had some light spotting for several days and lots of cramping, the old hag hasn't decided to fully show up yet. Guess I'll keep waiting and see what happens.
Work has taken a turn for the worse again staff-wise. You may remember a few months ago that I mentioned we hired a full-time person to work in our department and we hired a person to work as and when needed. Well, recently an individual working in our overall department but not in our area left the company. This meant that the full-time individual we had hired was moved to fill her position. We then promoted the as-needed person to part-time. She has subsequently quit showing up to work and has now been terminated. Therefore, we are now back to only two of us in our department and looking to hire someone part-time. So I'm back to working long hours and doing interviews again. It makes for long, tiring days and me forgetting to post to my blog.
It hasn't all been work for me though. The Hubs and I spent last weekend in Atlanta. We went last Friday night (October 1) to watch the Atlanta Braves play the Philadelphia Phillies (The Hubs' first Major League baseball game). While the Braves did lose, we had a great time! We got to see 23 hits, 16 runs, a grand slam home run (albeit for the Phillies) and a first Major League at-bat for a player plus some awesome fireworks after the game. We had the obligatory $21.00 hamburgers and drinks meal and, in true fan fashion, heckled the Phillies players. All in all, we had a great night!
The field being readied before the game.
A great big smile from The Hubs at his first Big League game.
Me rocking my Braves cap!
The Hubs and I enjoying the after-game fun.
On the Saturday, we went to the Atlanta Cyclorama and Zoo Atlanta. We had a great time! The Cyclorama is a huge painting (the second largest in the world) measuring 42 ft high by 358 ft long. It depicts the Battle of Atlanta fought on July 22, 1864. It was incredibly impressive and, if you ever find yourself in Atlanta with an hour free, I definitely recommend going to see it. It's awesome! It's located in Grant Park.
Zoo Atlanta was also pretty awesome! There were so many animals and we had such a great time visiting and seeing them. There were a lot of baby animals in residence as well and that was lovely to see. We saw a Joey Kangaroo, still in his mother's pouch, we saw a gorilla who was breastfeeding her very young baby, and we saw the wonderful new addition to the giraffes, a baby girl born on July 13, 2010 named Zuri. I love giraffes and it was great to see her!
Having a blast and seeing lots of cool animals at Zoo Atlanta!
Baby Zuri with her mom, dad and other giraffe folk.
On Sunday, we walked around Little Five Points, the area of Atlanta we were staying in. We had a great time seeing the area and we found a pub called Brewhouse, where we found a football (soccer) game on with Chelsea playing Arsenal. The Hubs was ecstatic, so we settled in to watch. We ordered some food with The Hubs having what was effectively a full English breakfast and me having Eggs Benedict (which I absolutely adore and rarely get to have!). It was a great morning! After the game was over, we walked back to our hotel and started our leisurely trip home. It was a great weekend!
I have lots of other things I need to update you on, but this post has taken much longer than I planned for it to. I am now headed to make dinner (Chicken Tikka Masala, Naan bread and Basmati Rice), so I will update you on the other stuff (such as my new hair cut and donation for Locks of Love!) later. Hope you're all having a fantastic weekend!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I'll begin the story of my sickness with telling you that last Wednesday was my mom's birthday and I had planned a birthday party for her for Saturday (this past one). So Saturday morning about 6am I woke up with my throat on FIRE! It hurt so badly, I thought I would actually cry. But, I got up and got started getting things ready for the party anyway. We had a lovely time, despite me having a fever. On Sunday, my sore throat had developed into a runny nose and a bad cough. Fever continued. I should have gone to the doctor on Monday, but I had to carry my mom back to HER doctor for her follow-up visit from her surgery (she got an excellent report for anyone who's interested). Her doctor was a two hour drive away and she was not allowed to drive, so off we went, fever, cough, runny nose and all.
Finally, yesterday I decided I really had to go see the doctor. I had gone into work, but left to see what was wrong with me. The doctor was in the room for all of about 2 minutes and she said "I think you have bronchitis." Wonderful! That's the second time this year. Anyway, she prescribed 4 medications and gave me a shot of Rocephin in my hip (burns being injected, hip still very sore today).
So, I'm home sick today again. I have no voice, my throat hurts, I still have a runny nose and I'm coughing every two seconds. What a fun day to spend at home! At least I'm not at work.
Anyway, I'm going to rest for a little while because this post has exhausted me (I'm pathetic, really), then I'll start visiting some ICLW blogs!
Friday, September 10, 2010
The wonderful and lovely Suzy at Not a Fertile Myrtle has restarted Show and Tell for those of us who were missing it! Be sure to stop over and join in!
I'm feeling somewhat better now than I was earlier this week. Let me apologize again for my whiney posts. I just felt the need to vent.
Anyway, I thought for this Show and Tell that I would share with you the events of this busy week, which included a visit with my RE, my mom's surgery and my latest ankle swelling.
I'll begin with my RE visit. When we got to the visit, we were carried back pretty much immediately. Dr. O discussed a few things with us and then I explained to him that I had had some cramping pain in the weeks since the surgery while on Megace. He decided that he would do an ultrasound just to see where we were with things. It turns out that my endometrial lining is a little thick (8mm to 10mm), I have a 13mm follicle on my left ovary (with Megace, per Dr. O, there should be no follicles) and I have a tubal cyst. So, Dr. O decided to take me off Megace for a week to bring on AF, then on CD5 I'll start Megace again. I'll suppress my cycle for 6 weeks again, then come off Megace again to start AF, have a cycle and then, after the cycle has finished, Dr. O will do another endometrial biopsy and we'll go from there.
Also, I've been doing home glucose monitoring to be sure we're able to manage my sugar levels. Dr. O was a little disturbed by the fact that my fasting sugar levels which should be averaging under 110 are actually averaging 130 to 140 and my two hour post-meal levels should be under 150 but mine are running around 180 to 250. Dr. O has decided he will be referring me to a medical endocrinologist. So I have that to look forward to. Fun stuff to come soon!
My mom had back surgery the same day as my RE visit. I have to say she's doing very well afterwards. She had degenerative disc disease and her doctor had to put a couple of metal pins in one of the discs to lift it off the nerve in her back. As the only female around, I'm having to play nursemaid. I've been changing dressings and making sure she has what she needs. Considering what life has been like around here lately, it's actually been okay. She's been rather nice which is a change from her usual self. I'm pleased to see the change.
Last but not least, on Tuesday of this week, my left foot decided to swell up. This happens fairly frequently (about once every couple of months). It's been happening for a couple of years and I've seen my regular doctor and an orthopedic surgeon regarding the swelling, but no one can determine what the problem is. It has been suggested it may be gout, but I've tried a steroid pack and Colchecine amongst other medications for gout and it has had no effect whatsoever. Dr. O thinks it may be rheumatoid arthritis and he has stated we will probably do a referral to a rheumatologist before the end of the year. Hopefully, they'll be able to determine what is causing the trouble. In true Show and Tell fashion, I'll share a picture of my swollen ankle with you.
Looks painful, eh? It is.
Ta-ta for now, friends!
Monday, September 6, 2010
When I woke up, I found myself thinking about the dream. I still felt that sense of loss that comes with missing something. I was missing England. The place we lived, the stores we shopped in, the home we lived in, the restaurants we ate in, the experiences we had.
But the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it isn't any of those things I really miss, but the life we had there. The freedom from everything that existed there, in that time. Let me explain...
When we lived in England, it's true that I missed my home terribly. It was the first time I had ever been away from home and, even though it lasted 3 1/2 years, it was still very difficult for me. I missed my family and wanted to be closer to them. I thought that the overt childish treatment I had been given by my family all my life would have disappeared. I felt they would have grasped the fact that I had grown up in my time away from them. Sadly, that is not the case. My mother still treats me as though I'm a teenager. She asks about our finances, where we go, what we do....and not in an interested parent way, but in a "you need to ask my permission" way. She tells me what she thinks we should and shouldn't spend our money on, where and when she thinks we should go and what she thinks we should do. And if we say we're going to do something she disagrees with, her response is often "I said you're not" as though she has a right to dictate our every move.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother, but I need space from her. The Hubs and I need the freedom to be adults in charge of our own lives. We are 34 (The Hubs) and almost-32 (me) -years-old, if we aren't capable of running our own lives by now, surely we are in a world of trouble!
But that is only part of what I miss of our life in England. I miss that we were financially secure in a way we've never been here. As I explained in my previous post, we're okay money-wise for the area we live in, but it's nothing like the income we had in England. There we were able to put several hundred GBP per month into savings. That's how we were able to move to the States. I can't help but look at the inevitable: had we stayed in England, at this point in time we would be in a house that belongs to us rather than one we're renting from my mother; we'd already be much farther along with our TTC journey than we are now; we'd almost certainly be happier than we are now with our lives.
In England, The Hubs had held his job for 7 years and he loved it! I had a job I really enjoyed working with a Financial Advisor. We were both happy in our careers and they were lucrative. I felt unhappy there because I missed home, but we were able to visit the States at least once every 6 months. Since moving here, we've been back to England only once. It will probably be next Christmas (2011) before we're able to go back again. I hate that I can't give The Hubs the same support he gave me when I was living away from home.
In fairness, I have to say that, had our plan for moving to the USA worked the way we intended it to, I probably wouldn't feel the way I do about life in it's current incarnation. However, we never intended to settle this close to my family (we live right next door) and we never intended to be doing the jobs we're doing now. Our grand plan was to settle in Savannah and find jobs we loved. Naively idealistic to a fault, it never occurred to us that this would be too tall an asking.
It's soul-destroying to dwell on what-could-have-been and I know that. I know I should leave it alone and be happy, or, at a minimum, accepting of, the life I have now. But I'm currently in a self-deprecating and self-pitying frame of mind, so I'll simply apologize once again for feeling sorry for myself and retreat to my own mind with these thoughts. Sorry for laying this all out for you to have to sift through as well.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Tonight, though, I'm just feeling contemplative. I've been this way a lot lately. In fact, I'm not so sure I'd call it so much contemplative as melancholy. I've been been extremely tearful and weepy in recent days (okay, weeks). I keep thinking about what my appointment in October will reveal. Or possibly what the appointment I have coming up this week will show. I know it isn't helpful to feel the way I'm feeling, but I honestly feel like the news I will be getting will be negative. Since the surgery I've been having pain off and on as I would normally have AF-like cramps. Of course, the medication I'm taking prevents AF from coming, so that can't be what it is. What this leads me to believe is that my endometrial lining will prove to simply grow hyperplasic. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but that means that, even if I can make my wonky, PCOS-riven ovaries do what the heck they're supposed to do and the egg they produce can find it's way to the one remaining tube I have (and, since there has been no HSG done yet, who even knows if it's clear and working) and that egg manages to get fertilized, it will never, ever implant. That is my fear right now. It is the only reality I can believe in.
I know this shouldn't mean that the dream of being parents would be over for us, but it does feel that way. Right now, the expense of adoption through an agency is not within our grasp. I'm trying to finish school (which I will do in 2 years) and the Hubs is currently (thanks to the pitiful economic situation we have in place at the moment) working in a job well below his earning potential. However, since he was out of work for 16 months and has only been employed again for 6 months and the job market in our area is beyond wretched, the chances of his job situation changing anytime soon is remote. I have a job where I make good money (at least for this part of the state), but it makes me miserable lately. We're feeling the crunch of the economy at my workplace as well and are currently on a hiring freeze, which means the employee in my parent department (the department I supervise is within this parent department) who is leaving at the end of September will not be replaced. In addition to my job, I will be taking over part of her's and another team member I supervise will be taking over another bit of her job. What this means for me is a significant increase in my work load (read: stress level) and no additional pay.
So, for now, adoption is on hold. I'm also aware that two years (or even three or four) isn't that long a time-frame (I'm probably more aware of this than most people), but when we're talking about waiting for our child, it seems forever. It feels like there would be too many other things that could/would go wrong in the meantime. I see our potential parenthood slipping away, like I can feel the wispy fingers of our child sliding out of mine while a thief stands grinning at me and pulling my child away.
My heart feels heavy and my stomach clenches in fear of the unknown future that awaits us. I don't think my heart could handle not being a mother. In my mind and soul, I already am a mother, I just have no child to mother. The Hubs still holds hope and optimism that we will get good news from the doctor or that things will turn around for us somehow, somewhere. I just don't, at the moment, feel these are realistic dreams.
Sorry for such a self-pitying post. Please forgive me for it.
In answer to where I've been, The Hubs and I are involved with our local Arts and Entertainment Council and we've been in the middle of a production for the last couple of weeks; a beach, blues and boogie themed musical and dancing. It's over now for a while, so I will hopefully be back to blogging some. You see what happens when I'm away.....I go all melancholy and self-pitying on you.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
There are literally hundreds - no thousands - of books in this category on which I could wax lyrical. Instead, though, I have to choose one. After much thought, I've decided to talk about one I know I've spoken of before.
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold is one of my favorite books. I read it in August 2007 (so long before it became a film) and I was gripped from the first few pages. The story, which begins in 1973, centers on 14-year-old Susie Salmon. As expected, the first few pages of the book talk about Susie's life and how excited she is just being a child. Then, however, the book takes a bit of a turn. One cold afternoon while walking home from school, Susie detours through a field and comes across her neighbor, Mr. Harvey. He has built an underground shelter and asks Susie if she would like to see it. Being the inquisitive child she is, and having that false sense of security that pervaded most people in the early '70's, Susie agrees. It is only minutes after entering the shelter, though, that Susie realises something isn't right. She tries to leave, but Mr. Harvey grabs her and that is the end of Susie's life on earth. She is raped and murdered by Mr. Harvey.
This would seem to be the end of the story, right? But, no. Sebold persists with Susie's story, or, more to the point, the story of her family. Susie narrates the tale from her own personal heaven. She follows her family, friends and her murderer for greater than a decade, following their progress from life. As much as she can, she influences their actions, helping them to come to terms with her death and move past it, while coming to terms with her death for herself as well. She also watches Mr. Harvey and hopes to prevent him from murdering anyone else.
So, if you're looking for a great book to read and you can read this kind of book, I highly recommend it! I was crying within the first 30 pages of the book, so I'd advise you to have tissue handy.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I am completely and totally obsessed with my hair. It is the one thing about myself I have always been enamored of (I know that sounds conceited, but it's true). I've never thought I was very pretty and I've always thought I was too big, but my hair has always been a sense of pride for me. I spend hours taking care of it. I wash it every day (sometimes twice a day, if I can get away with it). I condition it daily. I brush it constantly. I've had it cut short, I've had it long and I've had it somewhere in between. It is currently long because I'm growing it out for Locks of Love, but I'm thinking it may be long enough to donate now and I may cut it chin length sometime in the next few weeks. I know this post sounds insanely vain, and it probably is, but my hair is what I am totally OCD about.
The Long and Short of it:
My hair in it's very short incarnation - December 2007
Somewhere in the middle - March 2009
(With The Hubs) In all it's lengthy glory - May 2010
So, which is your favorite length for my hair?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
So, I'll introduce myself to those of you who don't know me. I am Lynn, married for almost 8 years to The Hubs. We met online almost 10 years ago (in fact, August 30 will be our ten year anniversary of meeting one another), did the LDR thing for almost two years before I moved to England to live with him for 3 1/2 years. In January 2006, we returned to the States to my home state of Georgia and that's where we are currently.
No kiddos yet, almost 7 years of TTC, no pregnancies to date, one failed adoption. I have PCOS and endometrial issues (recently had a D&C for complex endometrial hyperplasia and am now on a 3 month break with new medication before heading back to determine if my endometrium automatically grows hyperplasic - fingers crossed that will be a negative because that will signal the end of TTC).
The Hubs and I have two fabulous furry dog-ters who live with us: Isabel (or Pog) who is our terrier, is a house-dog and immigrated with us from England; and Melanie (or Melly) who is an outside Beagle hound/Border Collie mix, born here a little over a year ago to our former dogs (one was hit by a car and killed, the other left to find another companion after suffering without her mate for a while). They aren't at all spoiled...not a bit....*cough*.
We also claim ownership to two other pups who live with my mom. Both chihuahuas, they are Sissy (16 years old and in her twilight years - my baby til I moved off to England and then continued to be spoiled by my parents) and Merlin (our current youngest, he's only about 5 months old and an enormous bundle of energy). They don't live with us because Isabel has a huge jealous streak and chases them when they come over.
The Hubs and I are your normal thirty-something, childless couple. We love movies and attend the cinema almost every week. We love to read, watch television and listen to music. The Hubs loves a good political debate, while I'd much rather be left with my scrapbooking, card-making, cross-stitch or crocheting. We lead a pretty simple life.
We both work in healthcare, although I'm currently in school working on my bachelor's degree to teach, while The Hubs is thinking of returning to school to gain his Masters and go into teaching. We're very similar, if you couldn't tell :D
We want desperately to be parents, but so far it hasn't been in the cards for us, so..... Anyway, we're hoping that my follow-up endometrial biopsy in October will reveal a normal endometrium and we can move forward with TTC. Btw, in case you're wondering, The Hubs has no problems in the TTC department. After getting the results of his SA (which it took me two months to get him to actually have done!), he came strutting - yes, literally strutting - out of the doctor's office. So, yeah, the trouble's all mine. You gotta love a life of knowing you're defective, right?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Today's 30-Day Blog Challenge theme is "A Photo of You Recently".
This is a really simple one. This photo is actually a couple of months old, but that's fairly recent, right?
Yes, I was holding the tripod over my head. I thought it would make a good shot.
The Hubs and I are planning to go to a Beach Barbeque celebration thing tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, but I've been sick the last couple of days (think I may be getting a UTI....thought earlier it may be my appendix, but now the pain is not so bad), so we'll see. I'll update you with our activities tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today's post is another from the early archives of "Rich and Lynn". It was taken in June 2000 as I was getting ready to go out for the evening (which, technically, was two months before I met The Hubs, but it was the first photo I sent him of me). I can't believe how young I look! I look like a little girl :D I was 21 years old.
Hope you enjoyed having a peek at a very young me!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I couldn't decide on just one photo for this post, so you'll get two :D
Our cat, Jewel. Taken a couple of years ago, the dogs (Dawg and Tallie - Parents of Melly) had been playfully chasing Jewel, but she had had just about enough. So she climbed the tree and planted herself there for the time-being. I tried to get her to come down, but after several attempts when she still wasn't budging, I decided to take a photo.
Taken at my sisters-in-law's wedding. This is their niece, Millie. Isn't she beautiful?! This was not a planned shot. I just happened to get a good shot and I snapped it. I was so pleased it turned out so well!
Hope you enjoyed those photos :D Sorry tonight's is a very short post, but I'm feeling ultra-tired and so I'm headed on to bed now. Good night folks!
Monday, August 16, 2010
June 22, 2001 - Following on from last night's theme of The Hubs' and my first meeting, I thought I would share the final moments of that first meeting with you. This is us waiting at the departure gate just about half an hour before he had to board. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, but we had no choice. Looking back now with the clarity of time and knowing where we are now, I still feel the pain of goodbye. It would be six months later - at Christmas - before we would see one another again. Many things would happen in those six months. I didn't know that I would be met at security on my first flight to the UK by US Marines bearing M16 rifles, but I was. I didn't know I would be terrified that the gentleman on my flight wearing a turban was a terrorist, but I was (needless to say, he was not and I offer him my apologies for that undeemed fear). I didn't know I could grow to love The Hubs any more than I already did, but it happened. It's funny how six months can change your life.
One last photo before I go for the evening. Taken on the walk to the departure gate.....you could see how much we were hurting.
July 13, 2001 - I was 22 years old. My mom and I got up very early that day. It was a special day. I was meeting someone very important!
Mom and I got ready and left our house around 8am headed for Atlanta. It took 3 1/2 hours to drive all the way up and another half hour to maneuver the airport parking area. We were finally parked and headed into Atlanta Hartsfield International Airport at around noon.
Since we had about 3 hours before anything would be happening (what can I say? We wanted to be sure we weren't late and I was excited), we found ourself some food and ate, then we wandered around all the shops in the airport. I found and purchased a small stuffed lion and a balloon that said "Welcome to the United States". Then we waited.
Sometime around 2:30pm we made our way to the arrivals gate (remember, this was before the awful events of September 11, 2001, so we could go right into the arrivals area). We waited what felt like an eternity, but eventually, I saw him!
If you haven't guessed yet, this was the first time I met The Hubs in person. It was an awesome day and I was so incredibly happy. This is a photo of us still in the airport, walking towards baggage claim. We were both so excited! It still makes me feel warm and light inside when I look at this photo.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Hmmm....let's see how many things I can come up with that are my favorite....
- The Color Purple - No, not the movie. Just the color. Purple is my favorite color! I've loved this color since I was a little girl. It just makes me feel happy.
- Cheese - This may seem weird, but I love cheese. All kinds. I love Cheddar, Colby, Gorgonzola, Stilton, Brie, Wensleydale, Gloucester, Double Gloucester, Parmasan, Mozzarella, Feta, Swiss, Gruyere......any kind of cheese. I have yet to find a cheese I didn't like.
- Yarn - I love all the different colors of yarn! One of my favorite activities is to walk down the yarn aisle at any craft store. It is so pretty and it makes me feel so inspired!
- Taking Photographs - I love to take photos. I don't think I'm a very good photographer, but I enjoy it. The problem for me is getting The Hubs to stand still long enough for me to get a photo of him, or one of the two of us together!
- Building Websites - This used to be one of my passions! I still enjoy it, but don't really have so much time these days. I used to love my personal website and had all the information about how The Hubs and I had met and some information about our immigration path (although I must admit I was a bit lax on this part of the site). I love my blog, but I'd really like to set my website up again. I do have my own domain name, but just really don't know what to put on the site. I thought we'd have a family by this point in time, but we don't yet, so it depresses me to think of other things to put on the site.
- Mediterranean Food - I adore Mediterranean food! I will eat most any kind of Italian or Greek food. I love all kinds of pasta and mousaaka is a real treat. My mouth just waters thinking about it!
- Babies of All Kinds - Be they human or animal, I love babies. I'm a sucker for puppies and kittens and, as any infertile worth her salt knows, human babies just make something twist in my stomach. I could just sit for hours and watch them. Which gets kinda creepy for their mothers sometimes, because they assume I'm thinking of kidnapping them, which just isn't the case. I just want a baby of my own.
- Musicals - I love musicals! My favorite is Chicago but Wicked and Cats run a close second and third. I can't wait until we get to New York sometime and actually get to see one on stage! It is part of our plan for a future trip.
- Cirque de Soleil - Several years ago, I worked with a lady whose twin brothers were the arial strap flyers in Cirque's production of Varekai (their names were Andrew and Kevin Atherton, in case you're interested). She lent me a DVD of the production and I fell in love! It was so beautiful and I swore one day I would see other productions (and in person!). So far I haven't managed that, but The Hubs and I are going to one day. Just add that to our list of things we'll get around to someday.
- Traveling - My heartbeat races whenever we're planning somewhere new to visit! I love to travel! I love flying and I like trains....I've never been on a boat, but that's another thing I plan to try sometime in the not-so-terribly-distant future. So far the places I have traveled to outside of Georgia and North Florida are several cities in England (surprise!) with London being my favorite, Washington D.C. and New York (okay, in fairness I saw little of New York and mainly Pennsylvania where my brother lives, but one day I'll get to see the Big Apple in all its glory and spend time there!). There are so many places I would like to visit that I won't even get started on that now.
- Cooking - I really like to cook! I actually went to school to be a catering specialist - and became certified - before deciding that I didn't really want to be on a time limit or under the extreme pressure that chefs are under. I just like creating new masterpieces for myself and The Hubs. I like experimenting with new tastes. I think The Hubs approves ;D
- Singing - For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, you might have noticed that I like to sing. Okay, you've even been subjected to hearing it :D But, it is a fact that I really enjoy singing and that, growing up, it was what I thought I would have a career in. Not just in the way that children often think they'll be a rock star or a movie star. I put a lot of work into it. I practiced singing several hours every day of my life from the age of 4 up until about age 18 when I realized it probably wasn't going to happen for me as a career. That was one of the most heartbreaking things in the world. At that point, I decided that I would rather give up the dream of having a singing career in order to be a wife and mother. Well, I got the wife part right, but the mother bit is proving a little challenging. It's one of the things I get bitter about on my low days.
- Books, Movies & Television programs - I'm lumping all these into one because we've already discussed them a bit. I'll simply state these important facts: The Hubs and I go to the movies every Friday night, I never miss an episode of Glee or Covert Affairs and I currently have 8 books checked out from the library. Need I really say more?
- Scrapbooking & Card-Making - Two of my all-time favorite things to do! I really enjoy scrapping. It makes me feel so happy to dress up the photos I've taken. Card-making is so enjoyable! I love to see people enjoy the cards I've made and (I'm ashamed to say, but...) I really love the praise I get for them. It's so nice to hear people tell you how beautiful something you've made is.
- Rain & Thunderstorms - I love, love, love the smell or rain, the sound of thunder and the flash of lightening! I know thunder and lightening aren't necessarily everone's cup of tea, but - as long as I'm not out in it - I love to watch it out the windows of our house. The Hubs and I sometimes just curl up on the couch to watch it storm. It's really so peaceful.
- Pina Coladas - I'm aware I'm beginning to sound like a song and a cliche', but I do love a nice pina colada. It is my one weakness for alcohol and really I'm not bothered if it even has rum in it....I'll drink virgin pina coladas! Having said all that, I wouldn't say no to a nice, cold glass of pinot grigio at the moment either.....
- Frogs, Dragonflies & Butterflies - I love cute frogs, dragonflies and butterflies (figurines, paper, graphics, etc. - not particularly the real things, lol). I love to see them in the cutesy design with lots of colors. I think I really just like the colors - I'm like a child, I need the stimulation bright colors bring. Seriously, though, I do really like frogs and dragonflies and butterflies. If we ever have a little girl, she'll either love them or hate them, because she'll be surrounded by them from a young age!
- Stationary - I love any kind of stationary! Pretty pens, paper, letter sets, journals, monogrammed notepads....I love it all! I have lots of paper journals. I haven't even written in most of them yet, but it makes me happy to look at them and, if I'm feeling bad, I can usually cheer myself up by buying a new journal or stationary set.
- My Dogs - Of course my dogs are my favorites! They are my babies! As I've mentioned before, we have two who live with us (Melly - born last year, a Beagle/Border Collie cross who lives outside - and Isabel (Pog) - Almost 9 years old, a rescued Terrier dog who immigrated with us from England and lives inside with us) and two who live with my mom (Sissy - almost 16 years old, a chihuahua who has little energy these days - and Merlin - only about 6 months old, a very energetic chihuahua who annoys most everyone but me). For the time being, these are my only "children" and I spoil them silly! What can I say? They make me happy!
- The Hubs - Do I really need to explain this one? I carried on a two year long-distance relationship with him and then moved 4000 miles for the man! I don't think anyone can doubt my love for him. We've been together almost 10 years now (we started dating on August 30, 2000. Any suggestions for something special to do to celebrate our decade together?) and married for 8 years in November. I could not imagine my life without him, nor would I want to. He is my heart, my love, my life and my light. He is what keeps me going when things get tough and what makes me want to carry on when I would otherwise give up. He is the best!
Okay, so you now know 20 of my favorite things. Think you know me better? Or do you still have questions? If so, ask away!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Had this been yesterday or even anytime today prior to 5:00 pm, you probably would have received an answer along the lines of one of Mae West's famous quotes such as "When I'm good, I'm very, very good and when I'm bad, I'm better." However, that was before. Before what, you ask? Before The Hubs introduced me to this story:
Youtube Bed Intruder
My favorite quote now? Oh, you guessed it!
"Hide your kids, hide your wife (hide your kids, hide your wife) hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband cuz they rapin errbody out here."
Don't find it funny? Sorry! I'm sure my amusement will die down in a day or so, but for now I have a new favorite quote. Oh, yeah! And a new favorite song....
Antoine Dodson, you are my hero, dude! (Oh, and I really am truly glad your sister wasn't harmed!)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
This is another difficult one for me. I love books, so there are tons that could take the top spot for me! Instead though, I'll name you four (three are series, but I'm only counting them as one) that I really like.
I love the Southern Vampire Mysteries. Sookie Stackhouse is a fantastic heroine and Charlaine Harris is a surprisingly gifted author.
What? You doubted my HP loyalty? The Hubs is English, for crying out loud! Of course I'm a Harry Potter fanatic. And I can't wait for the first installment of the Deathly Hallows movie in just a few short months! Eeek!
One word. Edward. *Sigh* I know, I know. I have officially made it into your loser geek file. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'll admit to my addiction. Edward could bite me anytime. Just keep that Jacob kid away from me. He gives me the creeps!
Alice Sebold transcended something in me when she wrote this masterpiece. A murdered child who not only comes to terms with her own death, but helps her family past their loss as well, while getting even with her murderer. All from her own personal heaven. Can there be anything more touching or powerful?
So there you go. You now have a look into my book fetish cabinet. There are so many more I could name here, but, frankly, we don't have that much time. It's midnight here and I have to be up at 5:30 am for work, so I'm off to bed now, peeps! Have a great evening!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The pain of a failed adoption is unlike any other. It's not even something that is easy to describe to someone unless they have experienced it themselves. It's not like losing a child you already have, because this child is not yet your's and therefore the people surrounding you who are removed from the situation (i.e. not the friends and family who are standing by you and feel the loss themselves) are unwilling to allow you time to grieve. They do not see it as your right. In fact, it is almost as if they are threatened that you dare feel loss over a child who was "never yours".
The pain is also unlike that of a miscarriage. Although mother's who have suffered a miscarriage also find themselves the target of such ignorant people as those indicated above who expect them not to grieve or find offense that they do, a failed adoptive mother often herself feels she has no right to grieve the loss of the child. In this situation, the fact that the child still lives, albeit with someone other than the adoptive parent - the birth parent or another adoptive parent - limits the adoptive parents own acceptance of the need to grieve. We still feel the hurt and pain, but we feel as though we should be happy! After all, the baby is thriving! It's healthy and is surrounded by people who love it! How could I be so selfish as to feel pity for myself for not being the one to parent this child?
We often don't give ourselves enough of a break to understand that we have suffered a loss. We are allowed to grieve that loss. We are allowed to feel bitter and resentful that all the hopes and dreams we put into that tiny life have been revoked due to the choice of another human. Although it may not seem fair to the birthmother, we are allowed to privately feel an ounce of anger. I'm not advocating that we say or do anything to the birth mother, but simply that we do not have to feel guilty for feeling the anger. It's natural. Over time, yes, it's possible to come to an acceptance that God had other plans, that the birthmother was entitled to enjoy her right to raise her own child. But remember that we are also humans, we mothers-who-almost-were, and that we are entitled to feel our own grief and to nurture our own hurts. We can't always be the strong one or the one others turn to when things need smoothing over or feelings need soothing. Sometimes we need to flash that bit of selfishness and tend to ourselves; just back away from life like a damaged kitten and lick our wounds. It is okay.
To wind up this post, please join me in saying a prayer for Her Womb, Our Hearts. Pray that the right decision for everyone involved will be made and that God's Will will be done. That's all J is asking for. She's such a better human than me. She's thinking more of the birthmother than herself. I was so caught up in my bitterness that I never had time for that. Please think of her during this tough, tough time.
Cross-posted with Excuse Me While I Cry and BlogHer
My current favorite television program, by far, is Glee. I just love the whole set-up! The music is great, the cast is fantastic and I loved show choir when I was in school, so this just brings back good memories for me. It really is fantastic and I am looking forward to next season (which starts in just over a month!!). I really hope Finn and Rachel stay together this time!
What's your favorite television program?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
But I have to say my favorite movie would probably have to be Across the Universe.
It is such a beautiful film and I do love the music of The Beatles! This film just makes me happy.
I'm home sick today. I have a migraine headache and have only just gotten to feeling well enough to do any blogging. I still feel quite sick and headachey, but I did want to check in. Toodles!
Monday, August 9, 2010
I think it's an awesome idea and it will keep me motivated to post everyday for a month. Maybe I'll even get into the habit and keep it up after the challenge is done :D
Today's theme is "Your Favorite Song".
I have lots of favorite songs. I love "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac, "LA Woman" by The Doors, "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who and "In My Life" by The Beatles. But if I had to choose a single song that is my favorite, I would probably have to go with "In My Arms" by Plumb. Heard it? If not, I'm posting a Youtube link so you can give it a listen.
I first heard this song a little over two years ago and it has played in my heart during that whole time. I know one day we'll be able to play this for our child and I know that our child will know exactly how special and important they are to us.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Happy 300th Post, Friday Blog Roundup!
(Picture not taken by me, but isn't it a beautiful cake?!)
Mel's Friday Blog Roundup has reached it's 300th edition! To help her celebrate, she's asked all her readers to write a post about what community - and in particular, the ALI community - means to them. This is my effort for that project.
I'll start with a little background (although most of you already know this).
The Hubs and I met online in August 2000 (the 30th of this month will be our 10 year anniversary!!) and began an online friendship that transpired over a nine month time period to being more than "just friends". In June 2001, The Hubs (who at that time was just "The Boyfriend") made the 9 hour flight to meet me for the first time. Neither of us knew what that meeting would signify for our relationship. We knew that the meeting was a precipice that would either catupult us forward into a future full of the promise of a life together, or it would close the chapter on what would have only been able to be defined as a naive experiment. I'm pleased to report that the former of these options was our outcome, in case you were in any doubt ;D.
But with that meeting and the promise of a loving future came some very harsh realities. We were still several thousand miles (okay, 4637 mile to be exact - what can I say? I'm an internet geek and there was a website I found way back then that would calculate the total miles from one address to another) away from one another on a regular basis. Anyone who has ever been in a long distance relationship knows that all the regular problems any relationship has are magnified when you add in the distance. This led to my first foray into the community of the internet. Heretofore, my only contact with anyone else online had been The Hubs (I met him my very first time on the internet. He is the only person I have ever "chatted" to without having known them in some previous sort of context such as a forum or a blog).
My first non-Hubs community was at Lovingyou.com. Way back in 2001 they had an awesome support group for online and long distance relationships. There I met a host of others who were currently involved with, or had previously been involved with, someone they had met online. And it was there that I met my long-time friends Mrs. B. Thrift at Hawthorn Hill and British American Mom (who, sadly, no longer seems to post to her blog, but whom I do keep up with on Facebook). I love these ladies! They are like family to me. I guess that's what happens when you're friends with someone for so long.
In late 2001/early 2002, the boards at Lovingyou.com subtlely began to change and another frequenter of the board began a Yahoo chat grop, The Online Wives Club. This opened up a whole new community and a whole new group of friends. It was there that I became good friends with Moonflower Child (the group's founder) and Ace's Wyf, again, ladies I am still very good friends with to this day.
Later that same year (after my move to England and my official engagement to The Hubs), several of us in the group discovered the medium of blogging and opened our own blogs. My very first blog, Ponderings From The Crazy American, was my own little corner of the net devoted to notating the changes in my life since moving to England, complaining about the things I didn't like, praising the things I did and providing my family with news of my comings and goings. It also opened a whole new world of community to me and allowed me to make new friends who, although they no longer have blogs, I still am in contact with via Facebook.
My second blog, Moonlight Ponderings, started in 2004 and continued on through our return back to the USA in 2006. After we'd been back for about 10 months or so, I stopped blogging. Nothing really seemed to be happening. We had started trying for a family on our first wedding anniversary, but we didn't share this with anyone. Neither of us wanted to admit to our families something we knew they would discourage and neither of us wanted to admit that, what we felt should be a simple thing to accomplish, wasn't happening. All the friends I had made in the communities I had been a part of were starting families of their own and I was being left behind. It felt more sensible to withdraw to myself for a while. There were sporadic moments of starting to blog again, but they were few and far between.
Then, in 2008, we decided to begin TTC in earnest. It wasn't until nearly a year later that I decided to begin blogging again full-time. At that point, I googled "TTC blogs" and stumbled across the former blog of K at QWaiting for Sunflower. I left her a comment and, within minutes, she had responded back and directed me towards the greatest gift I have found since that long ago day I stumbled onto Lovingyou.com. She sent me off to the headquarters of the IF world, Stirrup Queens. It was such a relief to find somewhere I finally belonged again. Somewhere I fit in. And not only did I fit in, but I no longer felt alone.
What does the ALI community mean to me? It means seeing my past, my present and my future all meeting at one place. It means being linked to where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm headed and being able to interact with others in those places. I can offer support to those who are where I've been. I can wait and analyze and sympathize with those who are where I am now. I can look forward and get a grasp of where I will be, what my options are and why what we choose will work for us, all from the view of those who have gone before me and who are there to offer their hand, their heart and their head in support of my choices.
A Mum @ Heart - A friend from years ago who also met her spouse online and a fellow PCOSer who just started this TTC game early this year.
The F-Bomb - Been trying for two years, but wanting to avoid medical treatments. Tired of hearing "Just relax and it will happen." My kind of girl!
Savor The Moment - Possible PCOS diagnosis, a year of TTC, still no baby. Desperately wanting to be parents.
Someday, maybe I can offer support or advice to these ladies or others like them.
Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic - Another PCOSer. Married just one year less than me, trying just one year less than me. Still that BFP is elusive.
Only one for this category, but still, so close to my situation it's frightening.
No Lingerie Here - I love Kelly's blog! And it makes me so hopeful for what the future may bring.
Waiting for Sunflower - K is a fellow PCOSer who overcame the obstacles and is now parenting!
I Can Haz Bebe? - After much heartache (and a similar situation to one we had early this year), Bon is now parenting her little girl through international adoption!
Her Womb, Our Hearts - Mama J and Hubby have just been matched with a birthmother!! I'm so excited for them and am praying everything goes smoothly for them.
Hopes, Dreams and New Beginnings - Sweet Pea and her hubby made the tough decision to live child-free. I hope if we ever have to make this decision, she'll be there for me to talk to - and I know she will. She's that kind of lady.
This is a much larger category because I just don't know where we'll wind up. I don't know what our future holds. But I am very glad it holds this community that I can lean on and turn to for advice, that I can offer advice when needed and be the shoulder for someone else to cry on in their darkest moments. I love my community!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
- Grave Sight by Charlaine Harris - I really enjoyed the Sookie Stackhouse novels a lot, so I figured I'd give another of her series a try. So far this one is pretty interesting (it's the book I started with). Premise? Heroine can sense where the remains of missing people are; helps find murderer or person at fault. Sounds like a winner to me!
- Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin - I've been wanting to read her books Something Blue and Something Borrowed for a while and I now have them on hold at the library, but for the moment I'll give this one a look-see. Two moms with little in common come together one night after a tragic accident.
- Wives Behaving Badly by Elizabeth Buchan - Sequel to Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman (which I'll admit I didn't realise and haven't yet read, but will read this one anyway). Former mistress, now wife, finding marriage difficult, particularly when the former wife makes things less than easy.
- The Ex-Debutante by Linda Francis Lee - Former Southern Deb turned Boston divorce attorney has to return home to help her multi-divorced mother with her latest marriage debacle and make sure the current debutante ball goes off without a hitch.
- Belong to Me by Marisa de los Santos - Self-styled devoted city dweller suddenly ups-sticks and heads for suburbia, meets her neighbor who endows all she feared from the 'burbs, then meets another neighbor who shares her passions in literature and movies and develops a lasting friendship.
- Prayers For Sale by Sandra Dallas - Two women who've led a life of hardship - one an older woman, one younger - come together and develop a strong bond of friendship that carries them through tough times.
So those are my selections for today. Also, in addition to the two Emily Giffin books, I've put the fourth novel in the Blue Bloods series, The Van Alen Legacy on hold. You've gotta love the library!
By the way, if anyone has read any of these books and has praise or criticism for them, please send it my way! If you're interested in knowing more about any of these novels when I've finished reading them, just ask and I'll tell! Tootles folks!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The findings of the D&C were not exactly what we were hoping for. While there were no cancerous cells present (thankfully), the endo.metrium did not present as expected. My RE explained that generally when he does a D&C there is a lot of tissue present when scraped (sorry to be so blunt), however, this was not the case with me. Despite the prescence of Complex Hyper.plasia, there was very little tissue scraped away. This leads him to theorize that I may be at a higher risk of developing endo.metrial cancer and we will need to be hypervigilant. Then we discussed treatment for the hyper.plasia, which I'll go over when I get to our plans.
The next part of the visit was reviewing my medical chart to date. Below is a list of the biggest ticket items:
- Complex Hyper.plasia - This is the biggest one for the moment. As discussed above, it is giving us some worries.
- Sleep Apnea - A problem, but one that is currently being taken care of with the use of a C-Pap machine and pulmonologist care.
- In.sulin Res.istance - Though we've known about this one for a while, when tested it seems that my IR is now worse than previously thought.
- Slight Thy.roid Condition - My TSH levels were all okay, but the thyroid anti-bodies were very high. This is something I will eventually go on medication for, but for now we're letting it ride a bit.
- Probable Blood Pressure Issues - Yup. Got to see my GP about this one and see what we can sort out. Yay - more meds! *sarcasm*
- Rheuma.tolgy Consult - This is another of those items that has been put on the back burner for now. I have pretty serious arthritis in my lower joints and carpal tunnel in my arms. I get gout flare ups pretty often as well. We'll look at this after we've put the hyper.plasia a little more to rest.
- Ann.ovulation - This is a biggie for me, but not one we'll worry about for the next three months.
Those are the things we're working against and I can't swear I haven't left anything out!
For the foreseeable future, though, our main concern is preventing the hyper.plasia from coming back/getting worse. Therefore, I have been put on a medication - Me.gace - every day for the next 3 months. This should prevent me from ovulating (as if I need help with that!) or having AF during this time period. At the end of 3 months, we'll do another Endo.metrial Bi.opsy to determine if things look okay or if my endo.metrium is once again hyper.plaisic. If things are clear, then we can move on to actual fertility treatment. But, if things still look bad, we'll have to step back and reconsider our plans to decide where to go from there.
I'm asking you all to say a little prayer for me. I really am hoping things are good when we do the second bi.opsy in a few months. In the meantime, The Hubs and I (okay, more me) are going to try to relax and try not to obsess about TTC so much, since we're in a holding pattern for now. I'm going to try to relax and focus on some other things that are going on in my life for now.
Who knows? Maybe I'll even succeed in doing that ;D
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Anyway, to commemorate my 100th post - and because I was ready for a new venture that would allow more close interaction with online friends - I have created a new chat group. The group is for any women who would like a place to chat with other ladies about all sorts of things from infertility to crafts, parenting to gardening and all things in between. I hope some of you will decide to join me! I'd relish the opportunity to get to know some of you on a more one-on-one basis and also to become closer friends with you.
Click here to join the new group! I hope to see some of you there soon!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I had my sleep study done and was all prepared to have the surgery on June 18th, but on the Wednesday before the surgery (June 16th), the Pulmonologist called me and said (she's a little dramatic)"I am absolutely not releasing you for surgery. I'm not going to tell you you may not wake up if they put you under anethesia. I'm going to tell you you will not wake up!" (I did warn you she was dramatic!)Apparently, I stopped breathing 63 times in a 7 hour span of time. So, needless to say, I did not have the surgery as scheduled.
Instead, I got my C-Pap machine, had a week to get used to using it, then had my titration sleep study. I am now set at my ideal 11 litres of pressure each night to make sure I breathe. Once that was all taken care of, they rescheduled my surgery for July 21st (this past Wednesday).
Surgery went well, although I'm still recuperating from the anesthesia (it really doesn't like me) and intebation. My throat is still extremely sore and my whole body is achy.
Sounds like there wasn't really much to it, but I feel like the whole time I've been rushing, rushing, rushing! In addition to the medical side of things, we finally hired someone for the new position in my department and I've been training her. Our decision came down to two people and we had a very tough time choosing between them, but we actually wound up hiring the other lady on an "as needed" basis until we are given the green light to hire another person, so it all worked out in the end. I have been busting my backside training them.
The whole last month seems like a daze. And I can't believe it's already almost August! Where has this year gone??? Anyway, so there you are, up-to-date with me now. Have a fantastic weekend darlings!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I visited the pul.monologist today and got her thoughts on things. She has ordered the tests she needs to have done to give me pre-op clearance. So I have had a chest x-ray done today, I will be having a complete pulmonary function test done on Monday and I will be having a sleep study tomorrow night. (I know it's silly, but I'm a little sad about the sleep study. It will be only the 5th night since we got married that The Hubs and I have slept in seperate beds. The other 4 were when he was away for a week for training with his job a few years ago.) I was also given a nasal spray for allergies.
I am to turn up tomorrow night by 8:30 pm at the latest (at the hospital where I work - this is after getting off work at 5 pm tomorrow). I will then be "suited up" with the electrodes and elastic belts to monitor my breathing. Then I'll try to fall asleep. I will be able to leave by 6:30 am the next day and I will have to be back at work by 9:00 am. Sounds like loads of fun, huh?
On Monday, I will have the great joy of having a complete pulmonary function test performed. While I work with this test by name daily, I really have no idea what it entails apart from breathing. I feel stupid not knowing, but there you go. We'll see what that reveals.
On Tuesday, I will be once again making the two hour drive to my RE's office in Savannah to do my pre-op work-up with him. Blood work and signing all the "it's okay if you accidentally kill me during this surgery, I won't mind and my family won't sue you because it's obviously not your fault" paperwork will have to be taken care of then ahead of the actual surgery day. The Hubs can't take off work that day, so my mom will be accompanying me. Between you and me, I'm not so sure that's a good idea, but there's really no other option. We tend to wind one another up. I don't feel she's as supportive as she could be and she thinks I don't listen to anything she has to say because she's not a doctor. Sounds to me like it will add up to a stressful day, but here's hoping I'll be proved wrong.
The surgery itself will be next Friday, June 18. I'll again be in Savannah and will hopefully only be in Outpatient surgery. Should there be any complications, I may have to stay overnight, but I'm planning on coming home on the Friday. I'll carry a small bag of clothes and toiletries just in case, but my goal is to come home the same day.
So that's the surgery details and plans. Not much going on, eh? In the midst of all this, I also have to interview applicants for the position at work that we've just had approved, re-write the policies and procedures for our department, create a step-by-step list of what is entailed in doing the job our department does, train other members of staff (not because of my surgery, just because it needs to be done for cross-training purposes) to do our department's job, host a meeting with the offices using our department's services to clarify what they should be providing to us and complete all my regular day-to-day work before I head off for my delightful day of surgery. I can hardly wait.
Thanks to all of you amazing ladies who have visited me to wish me well and help allay my fears! You all make me feel loved and I feel less worried because I know your thoughts and prayers are behind me. I will try to get by this weekend to visit with each of you and send a more personal thank you! In the meantime, I love and appreciate each and every one of you more than you can know! Hugs to you all!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
This evening about 6:15 (while I was still at work doing my standard unrequired overtime), my mobile rang. I looked at it and it was the RE's phone number, so I answered it. It was actually the doctor himself calling. What he had to tell me was the results of my bi.opsy. While it wasn't terrible news (no cancer, thank goodness), it wasn't good news either. He told me I have Complex Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia without atypical cells. What this means, he explained, is that I am two steps before cancer. Based on the bi.opsy, there are no pre-cancerous cells, but he wants to be completely certain there is nothing lurking unseen. Therefore, he has decided, with my consent, that we will move forward with a D&C.
My appointment with the pulm.onologist tomorrow will also act as the pre-op clearance. He needs her okay to go ahead with anesthesia if I do have sleep ap.nea and for my asthma. He said he thought the procedure would be done outpatient, but he would need her okay that I wouldn't need to stay overnight and he also wants to make sure she will be in town so as to be on-call in case of an emergency.
His plan for after the D&C was for me to take Pro.vera to bring AF on, then at the end of that cycle he'll do another D&C, then I'll start what he called a "Pro.vera Regimen" where I take the meds for 3 or 4 months straight to start AF. We'll then probably do another bi.opsy to see where we are.
This wasn't the news I was hoping for. I was hoping everything would come back okay and we could move forward with TTC. However, it is important to me be sure we nip this in the bud before it turns into something much worse. The way he described it, there are 6 stages from a healthy endo.metrium to cancer. The first is a clear endo.metrium without any thickening; the second is slight thickening; the third is Simple Endo.metrial Hyperplasia; the fourth is Complex Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia without atypical cells; the fifth is Complex Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia with atypical cells; and, finally, Endo.metrial cancer. As you can tell, I'm at the fourth stage. The scary thing is that 21 months ago when my OB/GYN did this procedure, I was only in the second stage. Basically, the endo.metrium is thickening at an alarming pace. This is also the reason behind his urgency to go ahead with the D&C.
I have to admit - I'm a little scared. This news is devestating to me. Granted, it's not anywhere near as bad as it could have been, but it certainly was a shock and a punch in the gut. I hate the thought of the surgeries (albeit minor procedures) to come and I'm scared what they may find. I know these fears are irrational, but that's where I'm at right now.
I need your prayers and/or thoughts. I'll be speaking to his PA tomorrow to make the arrangements and I'll stop by to let you know what's happening as soon as I have some definites. Thanks for your support!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Okay, sorry I've been MIA lately. I honestly have been so busy I haven't known if I was coming or going, but I did want to stop by and let you all know I was okay and what I have learned this month.
First off, not all of my absenteeism has been IF related. Work has been super crazy! I am trying to get a new staff member in our area because we really need it! The small amount of time I took off for my doctor's visits and time taken off by my colleague to care for sick children has put our department behind and we are fighting to get caught back up, but the work is coming in at a rate we can't keep up with! Please say a prayer that we can get the new member of staff we so desperately need.
Moving on....the stuff you've been waiting for.....IF progress and bloodwork findings. I have been off Met.formin now for about 3 weeks. So far, so good. My sugar has been slightly elevated, but nothing too terrible. It has been manageable. On the weight loss front, I'm doing okay. I've lost maybe a couple of pounds and, while I haven't completely cut carbs from my diet, I have cut them back considerably. The magnesium supplements don't really seem to have done much for my headaches. I still have pretty bad ones. I'll discuss that with my RE when I see him next. My appointment with the pulmonologist is scheduled for June 9. It will be a consultation for a sleep study and I'll probably get an order to have a pulmonary function test done as well.
Onto bloodwork. All of my bloodwork has now come back (still some to do for The Hubs, but that will come in July). My sugar levels were okay (of course, I'd been on Met.formin for some time when the blood was drawn, so that may have contributed to that), but my triglycerides were very high. My uric acid levels were slightly elevated and I have had gout before, so that is consistent. My TSH levels were fine, as they always are, so would seem to be no suspect for thy.roid problems except.....my TPO (thy.roid perox.idase) levels which are supposed to be under 35 were actually 871!!! For anyone who doesn't know much about this test, this means that the number of antibodies fighting against my thy.roid should be under 35 but there are actually 871, so that means there are some serious thy.roid issues! I haven't started thy.roid medication yet, but it's coming soon. My RE seemed a bit concerned about this and said there was an auto.immune disease present (probably Hash.imoto's or Ord's Disease). The blood test for MTHFR came back positive for heterozygous MTHFR, so we can chaulk up one more problem to add into my already overflowing barrell. And, last but not least, two pro.gesterone draws have indicated levels below 0.7, so this means I will be having another en.dome.trial biopsy done on Monday, June 7. Woo-hoo for me! (I'm sorry, did that sound sarcastic?)
All in all, not the greatest results, but at least we now have more of an idea what we're up against. I'll be able to tell you more (hopefully) after the biopsy on Monday. My RE wants to do one more pro.gesterone test on Monday morning, then Monday afternoon he'll do the biopsy. Fun. At least I've already carried the prescription for my little medication cocktail to the pharmacy to be filled in preparation for the procedure.
Now, moving onto other important things, in lieu of all that has been going on this month (and the fact I haven't yet gotten the June list for Secret Pals up), I'm thinking that this month I won't open the list, but will start it again for July. Those of you who participated in May can carry on celebrating the Pal you had for May throughout June and those wanting to participate can sign up when I open the July list in a couple of weeks. Anyone have any objections to this arrangement? If so, please let me know and I'll reconsider what to do.
In concluding this post, I'll tell you a bit about our Memorial Day and leave you with a photo first. The Hubs and I decided to go to the beach for the day. We didn't wear swimsuits or carry them, because we had no real intention of going in the water. Why then, you may ask, did we go to the beach? Well, despite living most of my life on the coast (well, a couple of hours away), I have never been to the beach. I can't swim and, so, it's never really been a big thing for me. But, The Hubs, being the great guy he is, wanted me to experience it. So, we headed off for Savannah, had a fantastically delicious meal at the Indian restaurant (Pakwan) at the mall (not only was the food great, but it was very inexpensive! we had a lunch buffett each and the total cost - with tip - came to only $25!), and then we headed for the beach! While The Hubs did not go into the water, I did wade a bit. It was my first venture into the ocean. So, on that note, I leave you with a photo most have made when they are small children, but for me came at the grand old age of 31.