Saturday, February 26, 2011

Another Mother Mourns Her Loss

Firstly, thank you all for your supportive comments on my previous post! Your insight helped greatly. I have decided to keep praying that things work out for them, but to let sleeping dogs lie for now. If in the future they come to us and apologize for what's happened, we'll go from there (I don't really see that happening, sadly), but for now, I can be content to try to keep positive people around me. I do have awesome online buddies and a couple of people IRL I can talk to as well. This has been and will continue to be a long, hard journey, but you all make it easier with your caring support.

Onto my thoughts for today. You all may remember me talking about our dog, Melly, in the past. She is the outdoor dog (Isabel is the indoor dog). A couple of months ago, Melly came into her first heat and, as usually happens with these things, she got pregnant (sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't be better off as a dog - they never seem to face things like infertility).

Yesterday, Melly gave birth to her very first litter. She had 7 puppies! They are all manner of cuteness and she is such a great mother to them. Today, The Hubs and I went to check on Melly and the puppies (we didn't get to see them yesterday, as we didn't get home until after dark. We let her out of her fenced area to use the restroom and have a run as we do every evening and noticed she wasn't plump and rounded like she had been that morning. She had a quick run and then went right back to her home. The Hubs put fresh water and food down for her, but couldn't see well enough to see the puppies. So today we went back to do a thorough check).

When we got to her pen, we opened the door and she ran out to do her business and have a run. We went in to check on the puppies. There were 3 black/brown and white puppies, 3 black puppies and a brown puppy. Then we noticed the sad thing. The brown puppy didn't make it. He was lying there with the others, but he wasn't moving as they were and he wasn't breathing. The Hubs bent down to retrieve him so we could bury him and, at that exact moment, Melly came running back in. She saw The Hubs trying to get the puppy and she ran over and licked the puppy several times and nudged him. The whole while she was whining. When The Hubs picked him up, she started crying, giving this sort of howling whine. She jumped and put her paws on The Hubs' chest and licked the puppy again. The Hubs showed her and told her the puppy had gone on, but she continued to cry.

The Hubs took the puppy out and told me he had hoped to get the puppy out before Melly had returned. We hadn't wanted her to see him, thinking she wouldn't remember the puppy if he wasn't there because, after all, she is only a dog. But, I realised something important today. It doesn't matter if you're human or a dog or a cat or whatever animal you may be. When you lose your child, you feel that hurt. You want your baby back. You just want the world to be right and for your child to be in it, living, loving and with you.

I've never suffered the loss of a child that I carried within me, but I did lose a child whom I had in my heart claimed as my own. I could sympathise with Melly. I leaned down and got nose to nose with her. I told her I understood and I was so sorry for her loss. She leaned her head on my shoulder and whined. I think she appreciated the comfort and the understanding, such as it was. She let me pet her other puppies and then she settled down with them and licked them continually for several minutes.

Everytime today that The Hubs and I have walked over to check on her, she has whined. A couple of times she has cried and I know she's missing her lost pup. For anyone who ever said a dog doesn't feel emotions as a human does, I ask them to come spend one day with my dog who, despite having 6 other puppies, still remembers the baby she lost.

Friday, February 25, 2011

A Moral Dilemma

I have a slight moral dilemma. The outcome is really rather irrelevant except in the matter of how I view myself, but I'd like to put it out there for your thoughts, if you all don't mind.

See, there is another couple that The Hubs and I have been friends with for a while. In fact, the HE of this couple (let's call him T so as to cause no confusion) and I go way back to when we were both members of the same youth group at the church The Hubs and I (as well as this couple) stopped attending in January 2010. We first met about 14 years ago. While I was in England with The Hubs, T met M and they dated for a long while. In February 2009, The Hubs and I attended their wedding.

We have considered them to be very good friends. We've been on double dates with them to the movies, we've been out to meals with them, we've even planned phantom when-we-win-the-lottery-we-don't-play vacations with them. While I wouldn't call them our best friends (neither The Hubs nor I tend to develop best friendships - The Hubs because he's more of a loner and me because....well, I'm not sure why, but it hasn't happened since I left high school despite my efforts), they were probably the closest thing to it. Which is why their lack of support during this whole IF nightmare has been really disappointing.

The whole time we've been trying, they've often given us the lame-ass "when it's right, it'll happen", "God knows what he's doing....just be patient and accept his timing", "maybe the Lord has other plans for you" advice. You know....the kind that isn't really helpful. And, in their case, I was willing to forgive them. After all, they haven't suffered through it personally and, as we all know, until you go through it yourself, it doesn't seem to be a real problem.

The problem came when The Hubs and I were going through the adoption-that-never-was fiasco. We were so excited when we thought we were going to be bringing The Pengu home! Being such good friends, they were some of the first people we shared the news with. We thought they'd be so excited for us or at least be praying/hoping for it to work out for us. That's why I was so confused and hurt at their lackluster response. Their "oh, that's nice" reaction seemed too reminiscent of a casual acquaintance and not that of trusted friends. When I later learned from a mutual friend that they had been saying behind our backs that they did not feel adoption was "natural", that if we couldn't have children on our own then "it wasn't God's plan" for us to be parents and they didn't think the Lord "wanted people to adopt", I felt real anger in addition to my hurt. My question was, what did they really want to happen to the children who were born to parents who wanted to give them up???

Needless to say, The Hubs and I quickly cooled our friendship with them following that. And later when the adoption fell through and their response was "it was probably for the best. Now you can get back to trying to have REAL babies", I cut off nearly all personal contact with them.

Flash forward several months. T's mother works in the same hospital I do. In November (I think), she approached me to tell me the happy news! T and M were expecting a baby! Of course, they hadn't been trying so it was incredibly unexpected, but the family had been "Waiting So Long" (I'll pause here to remind you The Hubs and I have been trying for 7 1/2 years and T and M have only been married for 2 years) for the pair to have a baby that they were really excited!

Okay. I'll throw my hands up and be the first to admit I felt hurt, defeated and pissed off! But, I kept on my false happy face for her and exclaimed how brilliant that was and how excited I was for them. Then I moved on and went back to my office. Later that day, one of the girls that works in her department and is friendly with me told me what she had had to say when I left. She had said that I really should be more happy for T and M because they had this wonderful news and that it wasn't their fault that God saw that The Hubs and I weren't fit to be parents right now. She went on to state that we were unsettled and not in a stable situation. We didn't have steady jobs (I've been at my job for almost 3 years and The Hubs has been at his for nearly a year - yes, The Hubs did get laid off and was out of work for a while prior to his current job, but many other people have also been in similar situations and I don't see this level of abuse being hurled in their direction) and we didn't have a home (we don't own our home, but we do rent it from my mother - we certainly aren't living in the streets!). She stated that "until we were settled and stable like T and M, the Lord wouldn't choose to put a child in our custody" and that she had "real doubts" that we would ever have a child due to this fact.

I would like to ask for a round of applause and a huge pat on the back that I didn't hunt her down and beat the living crap out of her. But I fancied keeping my job for a while longer and I knew that anyone she said this to would hear it as it really was - utter horse manure!

Things were left there for a while. I haven't seen T since all this happened and when I see M, I usually turn in the opposite direction before she has a chance to get close to me and I pretend I didn't see her. I don't answer their calls (those stopped shortly after the incident with T's mom) and, although they are both still on my Facebook, we don't comment on each other's statuses, photos or comments.

Last week, The Hubs told me some news he had heard. The company that T works for is going out of business. They will be open until the end of March, then T will be out of a job. Today my mom gave me some more news. She and M work at the same place (in fact, my mom is one of her bosses - that's what happens when you live in a small town, everyone is connected) and she gave me the news. M was fired from her job two days ago due to violating a company policy.

Now, my first reaction (who the hell am I kidding, my ongoing reaction) is to feel slightly vindicated and to suggest to the lot of them to not cast stones when you live in a glass house. I want to say to T's mom "who's the unstable, unsettled couple now?" But, deep down, I also feel really concerned for them. Yes, they've said and done some stupid things that hurt my feelings and ruined our friendship, but they have a child on the way. There are virtually no jobs in the area in which we live. How are they going to survive? What about the house they purchased 2 1/2 years ago? Who will pay the rent?

I feel concern and pain for them, but I also feel like a wrong has somehow been righted. I feel real guilt at feeling the small sense of glee that I have in my heart at knowing they might be realizing how their blind judgement made The Hubs and I feel, but at the same time, that glee is still present.

Am I a horrible person? Should I reach out to them now, or just let the past be the past? I'm not sure I can ever forgive them for the comments that have been made and we'll certainly never be as close as we were, but should I even bother? Or should I simply be praying/hoping for the best for them and let sleeping dogs lie? I trust all of your judgement and I could really use your advice. I think it would be helpful to have some intelligent, outside-the-situation input. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

What a Day!

Although today has been Wednesday, it's felt like a Monday! That's not to say nothing good has happened, but just that it's been a hectic day.

Let me stop there for a minute, though, and give a shout out to all of you ICLWers! I hope you all enjoy your visit. If you want, feel free to take some time to look around. There is a lot of information about my journey in the links above.

Back to today. Work always feels crazy these days. I spent today working solely on writing 3 appeal letters to insurance companies over denials for stupid things that never should have been denied. It just feels like a waste to have to explain to an insurance company that they're stupid and that, if a patient has cancer and her Oncologist believes she needs chemo, then of course it's a necessary procedure! Really agitating to receive denials on such straight forward claims. Oh, well....that's my job, I guess.

Then at lunch, The Hubs had tried to leave his workplace to go get lunch and bring to my office. He managed to get about 100 yards down the road before his car shut off and refused to do anything. Either he has a dead battery or the alternator has gone out or some other ill-timed catastrophe has struck. And this comes on the heels of getting a flat tire on the same car last night! After work this evening we spent 3 hours trying to fix the problem all to no avail. I don't know about you, but that kind of failure really takes the wind right out of my sails.

That's where the day started to redeem itself. After a day of WTF? moments, The Hubs suggested we splurge on our diet a little and go for a meal at the Huddle House. There's nothing better for a bad mood than a greasy spoon diner! After some eggs and a waffle, I felt a lot better.

When we got home and I checked the mail, there was only more good news. Mel's book, Life From Scratch had finally arrived! I'm excited to read it!

More good news when my phone rang. I didn't get to it before it stopped ringing, but when I checked the missed calls, I had received a phone call from Kristin! I quickly called her back and we had a lovely hour long chat. I would have loved to talk to her longer, but I wanted to get this blog post sorted and get to bed before my alarm goes off in the morning. My back is still bothering me a bit, so going to take some meds and hit the hay soon!

For the final loveliness of the day, I'm typing this post on my new laptop! And it's purple! I'm very much in love with this new laptop.....and now The Hubs can play his computer games on the old laptop and we don't have to fight the one computer. I'm in Heaven!

Hope you all had a great Wednesday! TTFN!

Friday, February 18, 2011

My Poorly Back and Savannah Trip Follow-Up

So, today has been an interesting day. I woke up this morning and got ready for work. Got my handbag and slung it over my shoulder, slung my jacket over my arm, picked up my breakfast and went to give The Hubs a goodbye kiss. Leaned over to kiss him when something in my lower back went POP! and the next thing I knew my back was spasming! I couldn't move! I told The Hubs in a panic and near tears "I'm paralyzed!". I couldn't move my legs and my arms and legs were trembling with pain. I called into work and The Hubs helped me get into his car and took me into work with him to see my doctor (he works at our doctor's office).

Turns out I have a strained muscle in my back. I was given a shot of muscle relaxer (thank God for muscle relaxers!) and a prescription for Flexeril, Lortab and Toradol. She (my doctor) also told me to rest for the next couple of days. So that's what I'm trying to do, but needed to sit up for a bit, so thought I would blog while doing that.

Now that I've told you my pain story, let me give you an update of our weekend in Savannah! We finished up our shopping for Vegas and got some fantastic buys! The Hubs went to Dillards and got 6 shirts and 3 pairs of trousers for $160!! At Dillards!! And they were nice items of clothing - all Ralph Lauren, Perry Ellis and Roundtree and Yorke. I was hugely impressed with our luck there.

After the Dillards spree, we moved on to Old Navy. I love Old Navy, if I haven't mentioned that before. They have such great buys! I got 3 tank tops and 2 pairs of yoga pants for exercising, 2 sweaters and camisole sets, a pair of tennis shoes, a gym bag, a Snoopy water bottle for The Hubs and a pair of St. Paddy's Day boxers for The Hubs all for $140!

Our sale luck seemed to run out there, though. Our next stop was at Torrid for me to find a few items for Vegas that I liked. I got a pair of black skinny jeans (I said I'd never wear them but, I have to say, when The Hubs convinced me to try them on even I have to say I looked HOT in them :D), a pair of black capri pants, a purple dress, a blue top and a hat The Hubs thought looked cute on me. The total sum of that little lot? $205. I nearly had a heart attack, but it was a tax-time splurge and it's not something we do everyday, so The Hubs encouraged me not to worry about it.

We then moved onto Ashley Stewart, where I splurged some more. There I purchased an abstract patterned shirt, a blue and white top (which I have to say - not being smug but - this top looks better on me than on this model), a navy blue silk jacket (which they don't seem to have on the website - weird) and a pair of gray trousers. I spent another $150 there.

That concluded our shopping spree and we went back to the hotel. The Hubs wasn't feeling very well so we decided to rest for a bit before going out for dinner. We hadn't made dinner reservations anywhere, so we wound up eating at Longhorn Steakhouse but it was very nice anyway.

On Sunday we got up and checked out of our hotel before heading to breakfast at Starbucks. While there, we finished writing out the Valentines's surprise my boss was giving her fiance (yes, you read that right, she had me write her Valentines) and emailing it through to her. Near the end of our time there, The Hubs started getting a chill. By the time we got out to the car, he was full-blown shaking with cold - harder than I've ever seen him shiver before. His teeth were chattering so hard I thought they may break. I got him in the car in the sunlight, put his jacket on him, wrapped both my jacket and my fleece around him and turned the heat on. We sat there for about 30 minutes until the chill went away. He felt okay after that and insisted we go on down to River Street. So off we headed.

When we got to River Street, we both decided we didn't want to stay very long because The Hubs still wasn't feeling great and I was tired from the day before. We had a wander and looked in some of the shops and walked along the river border. I found a gift for my Secret Pal from last month (found the gift for this month's pal at the mall the previous day) and, after a leisurely stroll, we decided we didn't really want to eat at any of the restaurants on River Street but could really go for Carrabas. We got to Carrabas and were seated within minutes, ordered shortly after that and food arrived about 5 minutes later. Quickest service we've had in a very long time and the food was awesome! After that, we headed home. We didn't accomplish everything we had planned, but all-in-all it was a great trip. We only live a couple of hours away, so we can go back pretty much anytime we like.

In other news, The Hubs and I finally joined the gym on Tuesday of this week and I also joined Weight Watchers Online. I've been doing really well following my points on Weight Watchers and we had a great workout at the gym Wednesday night. We were supposed to go work out tonight, but I guess my back had other plans. Oh, well. I'll get back to it as soon as my back allows!

Ttyl bloggy loves!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

March 2011 Secret Pal Sign-Up

It's time to open sign-up for the March 2011 Secret Pals. For all of you participating in the February Secret Pals, I hope you're enjoying your month so far!

Here are the instructions:

1. You sign up by filling out this form. Sign up will be open until February 26, 2010.

2. By February 28th, I'll send out your Secret Pal name!

3. On March 1st, the fun commences! You'll visit your secret pals blog (if you already visit - great! If not - you find a new blog! It's a win/win situation) frequently throughout the month, send them an email if they have good news, bad news or just need some support and sometime during month, you'll send them a gift to their home. The gift doesn't need to be anything huge, just a little something to say you're thinking of them.

4. On March 31st, we'll reveal our secret pals!

5. Sign-up for April will open between March 15th and 17th.

I haven't yet made a link button for March because I have been super, super busy! I will try to have one up over the weekend, but I make no promises!

I will also try to come back in a little bit and update you regarding our trip to Savannah and what I've been up to this week :D Have a fabulous afternoon!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Valentine's Weekend Plans

The Hubs and I are headed off this morning to Savannah for our Valentine's weekend. What are our plans, you ask? Well, we're going shopping. I know - so not-romantic - but we have to finish our shopping for Vegas and this is a prime opportunity to do so. We will shop today and tomorrow we'll probably go down to River Street and have some fun.

I'm trying not to get/be depressed this weekend. AF is due any day now and it's just one more reminder how far we are from being parents. I know the paths we need to take, but, right now, I don't see how we can clear the rubble in the middle of those paths so that we can move on. I'm starting on the clearing of one of these paths and the other I will begin clearing upon our return from Vegas. And, cryptic though that may seem, I'll explain in more detail in my next post.

I will try to blog from Savannah, but if I don't get an opportunity to do so, I hope you all have a lovely Valentine's weekend!! What are your plans this weekend?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm a Winner!

I could hardly believe my eyes this morning when I checked my email and had a message from Kristin telling me I had won the $125 gift card giveaway from Dragondreamer's Lair and CSN Stores! It's unusual for me to win things, so I was so amazingly excited and happy!

Want to know what I'm going to purchase? Well, I've been lusting after it for about a year now and I've kept putting off purchasing it because it hasn't been absolutely essential, but now that I've won the gift card, I'm definitely getting it. I talked to The Hubs about it this morning and he said "Go for it!", so have a look and tell me what you think? I'll be ordering it either today or tomorrow. When I get it and have a chance to use it a bit, I'll take a photo and do a review for you!

So excited!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Time to Start Talking and Be Heard

*Despite it's dubious beginnings, this is not a political post.*

I don't think I've made it a secret on here that I'm a Republican. I'm actually probably more of a Libertarian than a Republican, but in the US, that's splitting hairs. I'm conservative in that I don't believe abortion should be used as birth control, I believe in low taxes and limited government involvement. However, I also believe in a person's right to love whomever they choose. So, do I believe same-sex couples should be discriminated against because they choose to spend their life with someone of the same sex? Hell no! They should be given the same rights and respects in tax and probate law that straight couples are given. I will support that right until the day I die.

But, I digress. This is not actually a politically motivated post. I say all of the above simply to say that The Huffington Post is not one of my normal online haunts. However, I was lounging about in Twitter today (when I should have been working) and I noticed that one of my friends had tweeted this post. I was curious, so I broke my stictly-no-political-sites-when-online-for-fun rule (The Hubs is politics obsessed and loves to discuss it with me, so I avoid when relaxing online) and moseyed on over for a peek.

I'll be the first to admit, I expected the worst. To my surprise, Dina Roth Port had done an outstanding job with this article, managing to capture many of the concerns IFers have and really getting it, something I'm not used to non-IFers accomplishing.

She's right, too. We need to start speaking up! Shouting it from the rooftops! Proudly proclaiming that IF is nothing to be ashamed of, but simply to be fought against! Can you imagine the faces of those ignorant of the real stuggles of infertiles if they were only forced to listen and understand? Can you imagine a time when we didn't have to fight insurance companies to pay for things that should not even be considered fertility treatment (ultrasounds to determine if we have cysts, follow up appointments for surgery due to endometriosis or hyperplasia), a time when infertility was looked on as what it really is - a disease worth treating?

I'm eager for that day to come. I look forward to a time when non-infertiles can understand and be educated in what they don't understand; when they will get that comments such as "just relax" do not help in the relaxation process, but instead lead only to more stress because how can we relax when we don't know how to fix it! And when they understand that it's not as simple as "you can always adopt". Adoption is long, hard, expensive route and that, for some people (myself included) it is the right path, but that - for others - it may not be an option due to finances, disappointments or any multitude of other complications.

I have some thoughts of ways to speak up and out for infertility, but they need more work right now. When the time is right, I'll share those with you and ask for your help. In the meantime, speak up about infertility! Let's make IF less of a taboo topic. Let's show people that situations such as Octo-Mom are the exception and not the rule where infertility is concerned and show them that the real faces of infertility are yours and mine.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Things You Want To Check Out

Blogworld has seemed a little busier lately! There are several things I've found on my travels and I'd like to recommend you check them out. Two of them are awesome giveaways and there are two other awesome projects going on.

The first of the giveaways is a $125 gift card giveaway courtesy of Kristin at Dragondreamer's Lair and CSN Stores. Now, I don't know about you, but I can always find something to spend $125 on, particularly with all the great things you can find at CSN Stores. Head on over and check out the giveaway and enter for yourself! The deadline to enter is tomorrow, so make tracks! But not before finishing this post, lol!

Secondly, Suzy at Not a Fertile Myrtle is hosting her Terrific Tuesday Hope Giveaway! Every Tuesday in February she will be hosting a giveaway of a "Hope" themed item. Stop by and sign up.....we all need hope when dealing with this albatross we call infertility!

The other two projects you need to know about are definitely ones you'll want to join in! The first of those is Choco Buddies! Mommy Odyssey has come up with a brilliant idea for us to support one another! When you sign up as a Choco Buddy, you'll be paired up with another blogger. You'll then monitor that blog and, when the blogger is having a bad time or just needs some comfort, you'll put a chocolate bar in the mail to your blogger pal! A great idea, right? So get your butt over there and sign up! Who knows? You may wind up as my pal =D

And, last but certainly not least, Tossing It Out is hosting the Blogging A to Z Challenge in April. Sign up is open now because - let's face it - if you're blogging for every letter of the alphabet, you need time to plan! This sounds like it is going to be so much fun and I really hope some of you will join!

Okay, I know this wasn't a hugely Wistfulgirl informative post, but I've put lots of informative information out there for you, so get busy, visit some blogs and get your ass involved!

Friday, February 4, 2011

February Provera-Scara

Pro.vera is really kicking my butt this month. More so than usual.

I am currently on Day 3 of my dose and I have been so emotionally up and down the last couple of days that I actually feel bad for those forced to be around me. Yesterday morning I started the day off by picking a fight with The Hubs. When I got to work, I had to make a sensitive call to a patient who started crying and I wound up crying with her. By afternoon, I was simply ready to go home and was desperately in need of some sort of change in my life!

I've started thinking I may get a tattoo.

Today, while I've been somewhat more calm, this afternoon while waiting for The Hubs to get off work, I went to wander around Walmart. I'm trying out a friend's phone because I'm wanting to get a new one and I like her's but wanted to try it out, so I was playing around on mobile internet. It's been a cold, wet day in my part of South Georgia, so I was waiting for it to stop raining and was browsing Facebook when I suddenly noticed that nearly every post from friends involved their children! It suddenly hit me that I don't know when I'll get the opportunity to post about things I'm doing with my children. In fact, if circumstance don't fit just right - if the life cog doesn't turn just so to fit the hole left for it by my infertility - I may never be able to use the term "my child". I had a massive meltdown right there in the Walmart parking lot. I started cyring so hard. Then - when I was able to stop crying - I felt so guilty for feeling jealous.

I'll really be glad when I can stop with Pro.vera.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

RE Visit Review / America's Got Talent / Secret Pal Reveal

I know you've been expecting this for a few days now and I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. I've had a lot going on and have had to get my thoughts under control.

RE Visit Review

Last Thursday I had an appointment with Dr. O. The Hubs and I had been under the impression that this visit was to talk about our options for treatment and to discuss when we were going to begin said treatment. But Dr. O, it seems, had other plans. After having us take an afternoon off work, drive two hours to get to his office, having postponed the appointment by a week stating he needed more than an hour to speak with us, we spend the grand total of 45 minutes in his office (most of it in silence while he pored over our file and wrote notes) only for him to tell us that we were going to keep on as we had been. Nothing was changing. I am to continue taking Pro.vera the first 7 days of each month. He did want some bloodwork done, but that was the only change.

All information that could have been given to me over the phone.

The Hubs asked him if the Pro.vera would help me to ovulate and Dr. O stated that it would not, but that it would fool my body into thinking I was ovulating so I would have a cycle each month. The Hubs and I both left feeling very deflated. When we got outside the building, we were talking and discovered that both of us had been hoping the other would ask when we would be able to start treatment since that had not even been mentioned! So, I decided to call back to Dr. O's office and ask. I spoke with one of his receptionists who stated he was in with a patient, but that she would ask him and call me back that (Thursday) afternoon.

At 9:45am Friday morning - when I still had heard nothing from them - I called back and was put through to his PA, J. J told me that she had spoken with Dr. O about this, but that they couldn't give us a definitive answer about how far we were from starting treatment because it depended on two things: my Hemaglobin A1C level (which was in the bloodwork he had ordered) and me losing some weight. Here is where my frustration comes in. I have been seeing him since last May and everytime the issue of my weight has come up, his response has been that it wasn't a big issue and we would work on it later. Now suddenly, nearly a year later, we're stalled and unable to do treatment because (and I quote) "he doesn't feel comfortable helping you to pursue a pregnancy at your current weight" because "you're at a risk for pre-eclampsia and your diabetes being a problem". Right. Now, I work in the medical field and I ask you, what pregnancy is not at risk for pre-eclampsia and diabetes? They're ALL at risk for those things, that's why we monitor for them!!

I asked J (with steam boiling out of my ears, I might add) how much weight Dr. O was thinking of me needing to shed before we could proceed with treatment and her answer was "we don't really know. We'll just have to see how you're doing when you come back". So they can't even give me a target to shoot for!

I am so angry about this. As I stated earlier, I do work in the medical field, so I am aware that I am overweight. I have been working on my diet because I'm trying to get my glucose levels where they need to be and The Hubs and I have been walking and we've also been talking about joining the gym. I know I need to lose weight and I'm taking steps to do that. But - and I say this with as much decorum as I can - DO NOT HOLD MY LOSING WEIGHT OVER MY HEAD AND TRY TO BLACKMAIL ME INTO IT BY WITHHOLDING FERTILITY TREATMENT BECAUSE OF IT!!!!!!

Sorry about that, but I'm really fucking angry about this. Had he mentioned this from the beginning, it would have been a different thing. I know, I know, I know - I've been in this game long enough that I should have assumed this would be the case, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.

The Hubs and I have talked and will continue talking and praying between now and my next visit with Dr. O on March 10 (The Hubs' birthday), but I think we may look at putting fertility on hold for a while and focus on pursuing adoption. My insurance doesn't pay anything towards our visits with Dr. O, so everything we've done for the last near-year has come out of our pockets financially and that is why it is such devestating news that we have no idea when we'll actually be doing any treatment. I don't mind paying for what we need to have done, but paying with no sign of moving forward frustrates me.


America's Got Talent

This past weekend, The Hubs and I went to Atlanta for the America's Got Talent audition. We had a good time, but we were so tired! We got there at 8:15am and were standing outside until about 10. Once we got in the building, we were expecting there would be chairs or some form of seating equipment (there was last year when we went), but, alas, that was not to be. The only place to sit was the floor. I was wearing black pants, so kept having to take my jacket off (which was also black) to sit on to keep from getting my clothing dirty. Needless to say, we stood a lot more than we sat. We were there from 8:15am until 6:30pm and we sat down about an hour and a half of that time. I've worked retail before, so standing shouldn't have been a problem, but the floors were concrete and there was no padding or carpeting to cushion the floor at all. Not to mention I was in heels.

By the time we got back to our hotel, I was good for nothing but bed. The Hubs and I both fell asleep around 7pm and then woke up around 9pm and ordered pizza (yup, I'm aware that is not good for my diet but, you know what? I was tired, so screw it!). We had a good time just veging out, eating pizza and watching Criminal Minds after the competition.

The singing portion went well, I feel. I sang "Glitter in the Air" by Pink (if you don't know it, go to Youtube and have a listen. It's a beautiful song!

It was a good weekend away and a good audition. I didn't find anything out about whether I'm going through or not. If so, they'll let me know before the end of March. Keep your fingers crossed!

Secret Pal Reveal

January was my first month back hosting Secret Pals. I know I had a great time (I love my Secret Pal! I was already a follower of her blog, so having a whole month to spoil her was great! Having said that....I haven't sent her gift yet, so....Kristin, it'll be on the way to you in the next couple of weeks!!!) and I hope all of you that participated enjoyed it as well. February's Secret Pals starts today, so if you didn't get signed up for this month, but are interested in participating, keep an eye out for the March sign-up which will open around February 14th!

Without further ado, the revelation of January Secret Pals....

Junebug's Musings Secret Pal to Simply Rochelle

Dragondreamer's Lair Secret Pal to Fertility Alphabet Soup

Fertility Alphabet Soup Secret Pal to Getting Closer to Fine

Getting Closer to Fine Secret Pal to The (In)Fertility Diaries

Spermination Station Secret Pal to My Infertility Woes

The (In)Fertility Diaries Secret Pal to Junebug's Musings

My Infertility Woes Secret Pal to Finding Her Way

Simply Rochelle Secret Pal to Wistfulgirl's World

Finding Her Way Secret Pal to Spermination Station

Wistfulgirl's World Secret Pal to Dragondreamer's Lair

There you have it! Have a fantastic day, my bloggy loves!