Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Today has been a good day in the Wistful household. We've been over at my mom's house and, although she's been sick and moody, we had a good time. We had a nice meal (turkey, ham, dressing, potato salad and mustard greens) and opened gifts. My mom, dad, brother, niece, The Hubs and I were present for the meal and my sister and niece joined us for the gift exchange. The Hubs and I had done our own gift exchange before we left home.

While I got some really lovely gifts, the holiday felt a little empty. It's nice watching my nieces open their gifts, but I want our own little one in the middle of the fray. I was talking with The Hubs earlier today and I said how much I hope at the end of each year that we'll have a child to join us for the next year. I also said I didn't know if wanting a child so desperately but not believing it would really happen was keeping it from being so. However, I also said that, if I really truly believe with all my heart it will happen and it doesn't, I would be so much more devestated during the holidays. I truly don't know which would be worse.

The more I long for a child and it doesn't happen, the harder and harder it becomes to believe in my heart it will happen one day. I'm hopeful for 2011 because so many things have changed. Firstly, we are seeing an RE now and we've fixed/are in the process of fixing a lot of the problems that have been plaguing me, so that offers hope. Also, our job situations are so much better now than they have been anytime in the last five years, with both of us employed in seemingly steady jobs. And The Hubs has finally told his family that we're trying. Surely all these positives should add up to a positive year, right? I keep hoping, but I often feel foolish for doing so.

It's difficult to explain this to anyone outside the IF community. Even family members who wish us the best can't understand the feeling of desperation and emptiness that accompany the holidays for us. I've always been a huge fan of the fall and winter holiday season - in fact, I'd go so far as to say this has always been my favorite time of year. But in the last few years, it's become less and less so because of what we're missing.

My youngest niece is 9 now. There are only a couple more years left of that true childhood magic Christmas brings. I want our child to be here before that's over for Bug (youngest niece). I want them to share something the way she and Boop (older niece) did. I want them to have that connection. I know it's a tenuous connection, and probably one that is only in my head, but it's improtant to me. I don't want there to be this whole generation gap between them. And I don't want to feel jealous any longer of the joy I see on my sister's and brother's faces when they watch their children enjoying the Christmas magic. I'm praying for a miracle this next year.

Now, I've whined long enough. I'll wrap this post up by wishing each of you the most wonderful holiday season! I pray you each had a safe and joyous Christmas. I'm now going to enjoy the evening with my wonderful husband by watching A Christmas Carol and enjoying a glass of sparkling white grape juice mixed with champagne. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas evening!


Kakunaa said...

I don't know if it helps, but I honestly believed it wouldn't happen. I think it does help to not believe, because it leaves you a little numb. But don't give up all hope...things are moving in a great direction for you. Here's to holidays with your babe in tow in the future.

lowfatlady said...

I'm glad you had a good day and a good holiday. I hope that next year you are closer to your goal of having a baby next holiday season.

Erica said...

I hope your upcoming appointments with the RE go well! I found that was the trick for me, getting to an RE to treat my PCOS and my non-ovulating ovaries instead of an OB just throwing Clomid at me and telling me to come back in 45 days. I also got to a point where I didn't break down every was hard, but after that IF struggle we got the best surprise ever. I am hoping for one for you in the new year!

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