Saturday, September 4, 2010

What the Future Holds

I failed miserably on the 30-Day Blogging Challenge. Although I do have an explanation, which I will give you later in this post. I also think I will pick the blogging challenge back up tomorrow.

Tonight, though, I'm just feeling contemplative. I've been this way a lot lately. In fact, I'm not so sure I'd call it so much contemplative as melancholy. I've been been extremely tearful and weepy in recent days (okay, weeks). I keep thinking about what my appointment in October will reveal. Or possibly what the appointment I have coming up this week will show. I know it isn't helpful to feel the way I'm feeling, but I honestly feel like the news I will be getting will be negative. Since the surgery I've been having pain off and on as I would normally have AF-like cramps. Of course, the medication I'm taking prevents AF from coming, so that can't be what it is. What this leads me to believe is that my endometrial lining will prove to simply grow hyperplasic. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but that means that, even if I can make my wonky, PCOS-riven ovaries do what the heck they're supposed to do and the egg they produce can find it's way to the one remaining tube I have (and, since there has been no HSG done yet, who even knows if it's clear and working) and that egg manages to get fertilized, it will never, ever implant. That is my fear right now. It is the only reality I can believe in.

I know this shouldn't mean that the dream of being parents would be over for us, but it does feel that way. Right now, the expense of adoption through an agency is not within our grasp. I'm trying to finish school (which I will do in 2 years) and the Hubs is currently (thanks to the pitiful economic situation we have in place at the moment) working in a job well below his earning potential. However, since he was out of work for 16 months and has only been employed again for 6 months and the job market in our area is beyond wretched, the chances of his job situation changing anytime soon is remote. I have a job where I make good money (at least for this part of the state), but it makes me miserable lately. We're feeling the crunch of the economy at my workplace as well and are currently on a hiring freeze, which means the employee in my parent department (the department I supervise is within this parent department) who is leaving at the end of September will not be replaced. In addition to my job, I will be taking over part of her's and another team member I supervise will be taking over another bit of her job. What this means for me is a significant increase in my work load (read: stress level) and no additional pay.

So, for now, adoption is on hold. I'm also aware that two years (or even three or four) isn't that long a time-frame (I'm probably more aware of this than most people), but when we're talking about waiting for our child, it seems forever. It feels like there would be too many other things that could/would go wrong in the meantime. I see our potential parenthood slipping away, like I can feel the wispy fingers of our child sliding out of mine while a thief stands grinning at me and pulling my child away.

My heart feels heavy and my stomach clenches in fear of the unknown future that awaits us. I don't think my heart could handle not being a mother. In my mind and soul, I already am a mother, I just have no child to mother. The Hubs still holds hope and optimism that we will get good news from the doctor or that things will turn around for us somehow, somewhere. I just don't, at the moment, feel these are realistic dreams.

Sorry for such a self-pitying post. Please forgive me for it.

In answer to where I've been, The Hubs and I are involved with our local Arts and Entertainment Council and we've been in the middle of a production for the last couple of weeks; a beach, blues and boogie themed musical and dancing. It's over now for a while, so I will hopefully be back to blogging some. You see what happens when I'm away.....I go all melancholy and self-pitying on you.


Kristin said...

Oh Lynn sweetie, I think the melancholia and looking on the darker side is your way of protecting yourself. I hope and pray you are surprised by some wonderful news during your upcoming appointments.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry your feeling down and things are looking bleak. Just take one step at a time and something will come through. It has too. I'm glad you are getting into theater and such. That is a good avenue to give you some happiness. Thinking of you. Love your new background btw.

Anonymous said...

Oh - sorry you're so down! The truth is you don't know what the future holds. ((HUGS))

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