Thursday, December 31, 2009

Je parle francais!

(Cross-posted in En Francais, S'il Vous Plait)

Well, not exactly. Not yet anyway. It would be more accurate to say Je parle un peu francais.

But....by the end of 2010, I hope to be much more fluent than my current state. This is my resolution for 2010. Now, you may wonder why I chose this particular resolution when there were so many other things I could have chosen to do, so here's the explanation:

The other day, The Hubs and I were discussing how the last six Christmases have been spent away from his family (five of them with my family and the one prior to our move in early January 2006 from England to the States we didn't want to put our dog in the kennel because we didn't want her to pick up anything that would prevent her flying). Neither of us were thrilled that it had been so long, so we both thought it would be good if we could plan to spend Christmas 2010 in England! A lot of things have to change in order for us to accomplish this, but that's another matter altogether.

While discussing our Christmas 2010 plans, the conversation turned to how, despite having lived in England for 3 1/2 years, I had never ventured over the French border. We decided that, should the Christmas 2010 England visit come to fruition, we would make it a point to try to go to Paris for a couple of days between Christmas and New Year.

That's when the conversation turned to my French conversational skills. I did take two years of French in high school, but I'll be the first to admit my French is not very good (long story about how the teacher we had the first year was terrible to the point that all I learned was Bonjour, Au Revoir, how to French-braid the teacher's hair and how to play poker and she was forced to resign at the end of the year). So, I thought it made perfect sense to make regaining my minute amount of French and learning the language properly my resolution for 2010. I also thought creating this blog and committing to posting to it at least three (trois) times per week about my progress would aid in assuring I stayed with the project. Over time, my posts will begin to contain more and more French until the entire post is in French (at least that's what I hope!).

So, if you are a native French speaker or are fluent in French as a second or third language, please follow me! I need all the help I can get!

For the record, The Hubs does speak pretty good French and will be helping me over the year.

**And a final note to say goodbye to 2009! I'm very grateful I'll be carrying my friends with me into the new year. May you all have a safe, blessed and happy New Year!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!


The Hubs, Eldest Niece (Boop) and I in our Christmas Cracker hats.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

It's Christmas Eve and I haven't yet written my letter to you. I've been a good girl (mostly) this year and I have a few things I'd like to ask for.

This last year has been terribly hard in several different ways. Firstly, The Hubs has been out of work the entire year and that has added stress. Secondly, infertility is kicking our butt. We thought we would surely be pregnant by Christmas once we started treatment, however, nothing has happened yet. And then, add in the almost adoption and I'm sure you can understand why I'm glad to see this year coming to a close.

This year has had some good things happen, though. The Hubs and I have grown much closer after some tough times. We've had some unexpected blessings this year to which we are ever thankful to the Lord. And I've started blogging again and this blog has become my saving grace. I've met some wonderful ladies who I couldn't imagine not having in my life now and I've seen their triumphs and their tragedies. I'm hoping the next year has more triumphs than tragedy for them.

So, onto my Christmas wish list (oh, and I don't have to get it all by Christmas Day!):

1. This year, I would like to see a positive HPT for the first time. It would be wonderful to finally experience the excitement of seeing those two pink lines!

2. I would like for The Hubs to find a job (sooner, rather than later) just to ease some of the pressure we're both feeling and so that we can move forward with our IF treatment.

3. I would like for The Hubs and I to be able to move from living next door to my family. While I love them dearly, I would really love to have some privacy and "us" time for The Hubs and I.

4. I would like for all my online friends to get their own BFP's in the coming year. It's so difficult for all of us to continually have disappointment and I want us all to have good news. Also, no baby losses for anyone. There've been quite enough of those.

5. I want 2010 to be a better year than 2009. I want to forget the difficulty this year has brought our way and look only to a positive future.

Thanks for reading this letter, Santa. I know I babbled my way through a lot of it and I know you're probably scratching your head wondering why you're receiving this, but, hey, it's Christmas, right? Miracles happen, or so they say!

Love,

Lynn

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Show and Tell - Christmas Ornament Exchange



Earlier this holiday season, I had the idea to do an Ornament and Dreidel Exchange. We had 16 participants, which I felt was a very healthy number for our first year! I was very pleased and I hope to make this an annual event.

My name was given to Mattie at Creative Joy and I recently received my beautiful ornament from her.


Isn't it lovely?!


Please forgive me for the poor quality of my photos the past couple of weeks. My camera is currently being repaired, but I should hopefully have it back next week. So, for good measure, here is another photo of the ornament when it made its way onto our tree.


The light washes it out some, but it really is gorgeous!


In a separate but related note, after suffering her own loss earlier this year, Mattie blogged today that her cousin would be burying her own 3 month old daughter tomorrow. The baby was the same age Mattie's little Shyla would have been. Please go over and offer her your condolences and let her know we're all with her in spirit during this most difficult time for the family.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

New Projects

First of all, let me say a huge THANK YOU to all my lovely commenters who were so supportive of my last post (and of all my previous whiny posts)! I feel much better today and a large part of that is down to you. It is so great to be reminded occasionally what awesome friends I have!

Now, on to a more pleasant post today. I have recently started two new online projects. The first one is pretty much a solo project, but may prove useful to some of you :D I've started a new recipe blog called Notes From a Wistful Kitchen. It currently has only two (delicious!) recipes on it, but I'll be adding more over time. I LOVE to cook and am even a Certified Catering Specialist and Line Cook, so I think I do a pretty good job, even if I do say so myself, lol! So, I thought I would share some of my very favourite recipes with you.

The second project is a more widely reaching project. Recently I've seen several posts about meet-ups that bloggers who were local to one another have had and I was feeling very envious of the face-to-face support they were able to give and receive. I was chatting (read whining) to The Hubs about this and he suggested I start my own local meet-up group for those in the Southeast Georgia vicinity. Thus was born Southeast Georgia IF Bloggers. So, if you're in or near the Southeast Georgia area and would be interested in meeting up with fellow IF bloggers face-to-face, head on over and join us! So far there are two members: myself (of course :D) and Kym from I'm a Smart One. We'd love to have more members! Right now it looks as though we'll probably try to arrange one meeting per quarter next year (more if enough people join and want to meet up more often) and we'd love to have you if you're near enough!

Okay, so I feel I've offered more than a rant today, lol! Maybe its because Christmas is right around the corner or perhaps I'm just a little light-headed from the flu I feel coming on (again - I had it over Thanksgiving and I can feel it starting again.....btw, did I mention I had a flu shot?!?!), but I more light-hearted than I have since the fall through of our adoption. Maybe the wounds are starting to heal a bit.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great last few days before Christmas. I'm hoping to leave work early tomorrow and then I won't have to be back until Monday, yay! What's everyone else's schedule looking like this week?

Monday, December 21, 2009

IComLeavWe / Rant About Comments

Today starts the December IComLeavWe. I wanted to take a moment to welcome all my visitors for ICLW and to say I'm glad you dropped by!

Normally, I would have a light little post giving you some information about me, but unfortunately today is not a good day and I just saw a comment on our Christmas photos post that really pissed me off! So, sadly, what you get from me today is a rant.

The comment read "Weight and Fertility. Being overweight or obese may reduce a woman's fertility. ... Weight loss may improve fertility and pregnancy outcome."

Really?! You mean, after 6 years of TTC, this brand-new life-altering information is just being dropped on me?! Because, apparently I'm too stupid to have thought of this myself. (If you didn't hear the sarcasm dripping in that post, please re-read and add in copious amounts of sarcasm.)

What I wonder is which failed attempt at losing weight would this poster (who, btw, posted anonymously, being too cowardly to even give their name) suggest I give another go?

Perhaps the year gym membership The Hubs and I purchased, used 4 times a week, every week for a year and I managed to lose a grand total of 10 pounds on. Let's not forget to mention that I was also on a strict diet during this time (which I followed to the letter!). Towards the end of the year, I actually began to gain weight back, despite continuing with the efforts I had been at all year long. Maybe I wasn't exercising correctly, this poster may say? The personal trainer we hired thought differently. He was utterly puzzled himself as to why I didn't lose more weight and why it began to come back near the end of the year.

Rather than continue to waste money, our next plan was to walk 2 miles everyday, a practice we still try to maintain today, although its more often only 4 or 5 times a week we manage the feat. Not good enough either?

Maybe, this poster would suggest I go back to one of the hundreds of diets I've tried throughout the years that have all led to naught.

Or, maybe, just maybe, they think the bulemia I had during my high school years would work better for me. No?

At the end of the day what I will say is that my weight has been a battle for me throughout my entire life. I was a large baby when I was born (9lbs, 1/4 oz) and I was a large child. Throughout my adolescence I was large. When I was 16 I got the grand idea that maybe I would lose weight if I threw up what I ate. That way, I could eat anything and still get thin, right? Wrong. What I did was make myself sick and still I was overweight.

In fact, the lightest I've ever been during my adult years was still what would be considered overweight for my height. During the ages of 19 to 21, my weight fluctuated between 160 lbs and 175 lbs. I wore a size 12 clothing. Wanna know how I managed that? I ate one meal a day, danced 4 to 5 hours every night (I was a bit of a wild child after high school - no freedom during the high school years = rebellion during early adulthood), and smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. The nicotine suppressed my appetite.

Maybe, dear anonymous poster, you would suggest I take back up smoking (which I managed to quit cold turkey 8 years and 4 months ago tomorrow)? Would that make you happy with my weight?

Oh, I should also add that when I was at the smaller size, my cycles were still not regular. I had a maximum of 3 or 4 AFs each year. So it seems to me being a lighter weight didn't really have much impact on my fertility.

I'm not suggesting that the size I am now is helping with infertility problems. I'm sure its not. I want to lose weight, if for nothing more than I don't like being as large as I am now. However, that is my business, not this anonymous poster's or anyone else's for that matter. This blog is not a place for ANYONE to pass judgement on me. It is a place for me to express my feelings, whether joy or despair, hope or hopelessness. It is a place for me to find support from others like me, NOT CRITICISM. If what you have to offer me is helpful information, by all means, feel free to do so. If what you have to offer is condemnation and judgement (which you know you were doing, otherwise you would not have commented anonymously), then please pass on by.

Regretfully, I have made the decision make my comments require approval before being posted. I have always said I did not want to do this because it feels as though I'm censoring the comments. However, I feel I have to do this now. I toyed with the idea of removing the Anonymous function, but have - for the moment - decided against this drastic move.

Again, apologies to all who visit from ICLW to fall into the drama of the moment and to those of my regular blog readers who have had to read this simply for one thoughtless individual. I want my blog to be a haven for me, not another place in my life that makes me feel worthless.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Show and Tell - A Night in ER



As I've said before, I work in a hospital. I am responsible for insurance billing. That's my job, that's what I know. Recently, the manager of our Admissions/ER Registration department asked me if I would mind covering Registration while the department had their Christmas party. I told her I didn't mind and thus ensued my 2 days (yes, 2 DAYS - not enough!) of training.

So last night was the big night. I finished my work in my office about 4:30pm as normal and made my way to the Registration area. When I arrived, it was chaos and I was immediately thrown into the midst of things. Due to privacy laws, I am unable to give details, but my first memories of working in ER is that the sound of unexpected grief tears at you and will stay with you. I don't know when I'll be able to go to sleep again without hearing anguished screams from bereaved family members.

After that incident, things calmed down a good bit. We're only a small rural hospital, so its not often things of that nature happen. The Admissions/ER Registration Department were able to have their party and, at the end of the evening, they thanked me for covering for them and presented me with a gift.



I love the gift! I think it's very adorable and I appreciate their thankfulness. I was happy to be able to help them, but I fear the early evening trauma will stay with me for many months to come.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

In the 2WW

I'm officially in my first 2WW post-Clomid, as our first cycle was annovulatory and the second one we thought we were going to be adopting, so we prevented. I'm 8DPO today and I keep finding myself obsessing about any possible symptom.

I don't want to be like this. I want to understand that it hasn't happened in 6 years and it probably won't happen this cycle. I want to understand, not because I have no faith, but because I don't want to suffer the pain that will come with either that BFN or AF's arrival. I want to get beyond the pain.

I envy those who've found the numbness, I honestly do. I would give anything to feel numb and not know the pain that awaits when it all falls through. Or to be back in those early days when it was exciting and it seemed a real possibility.

Now, though, I can't escape the hope, even though with every passing minute I'm more and more aware of how slim the possibility of a BFP is.

The Hubs wants us to wait until Christmas Day to test. By that time I'll be 18DPO and if AF hasn't arrived then, I guess that would mean we were the p-word. I don't think we'll make it there. I want to test early - I always want to know. I want to wait - Its what The Hubs wants and I want to give him that. I want Christmas to be beautiful and a BFP would do that - I just don't trust it to happen.

I feel very confused and emotional, which probably means I'm PMSing. Wonderful.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Show and Tell - Christmas Photos



The Hubs and I have had Christmas photos made a few times during our married life. We thought we wouldn't do it this year, but then my employer offered a complimentary sitting and photos to all employees, so we changed our minds :D For your viewing pleasure, here are our 2009 Christmas photos.


I think we look pretty good together :)


And a close up shot!


Now head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class are up to!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Affording TTC

A friend of mine recently wrote to discuss beginning TTC. She is also a sufferer of PCOS and, after following our progress for the last few years, was beginning to worry of the passing time and getting older (she's in her mid-twenties).

While discussing the pros and cons of beginning TTC, she mentioned one of her worries being that her DH was currently out of work. As many of you know, The Hubs has also been struggling in our fledgling economy and the question arose "what criteria makes it a good time to TTC and what indicates the wrong time?".

For us, it was a question of which was more important: the possibility of The Hubs remaining out of work beyond the birth of a child to call our own (via conception or adoption or stork delivery or however we achieved that feat) or the definite slipping away of the fertile (supposedly) years we have remaining. It was an easy decision for us. While we hope not to have to test the theory, we both felt we would be able to make it work even if The Hubs was out of work.

The additional expenses brought on with a child are great and I am by no means trying to kid myself differently. However, if The Hubs were still out of work, there would be no child-care expense. He would be able to watch the baby. Also, we hope to cloth diaper so, while there would be an initial expense for the diapers and an expense as the baby grew, it would still be far less expensive than purchasing diapers. If the child is ours biologically, I plan to nurse (assuming I have no problems with milk development and the baby has no problems with latching or swallowing), so that cuts the expense of formula. Once the child becomes old enough to start partaking of solid foods, I would like to use my beloved food processor to make our own baby food.

The downside of The Hubs being out of work is that all of the assumptions I made in the last paragraph could fall through. Our baby may come early and have health problems that require more in depth care. My milk may not come in or the baby may have problems with the whole process. Cloth diapering and making our own baby food may prove to be more hassle than worth.

I simply don't know and cannot predict what the future holds. What I do know is that I am simply not willing to give up the most promising years of fertility we have due to a situation that will not always be a stumbling block. In the future, I do not want to look back on these years with the same regret I currently have looking back on the ones that have already passed. I don't want to regret waiting.

I'm sure there are many people who say this makes me selfish and not truly caring about our potential child. However, I disagree. I want to still be able to enjoy my children. I want to be able to get out and play with them and go on vacations and show them things that I've found fascinating. I want to explore things they've become fascinated with with them.

And, essentially, this is a decision only each couple can make for themselves. No one else knows the situation or the thoughts and feelings involved in the decision.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Allowed to Grieve?

Today The Hubs and I were eating our lunch, minding our own business, when a lady who attends church with us approached. We looked at one another because this had been one of the people who had not seemed excited for us when we told her about the adoption, so we were both expecting it to be a bad encounter.

When she reached us, she asked how we were doing and then launched into a litany of how awful the past week had been and all the tragedies that had befallen people she knew. I decided to go ahead and bite the bullet and tell her the adoption had fallen through. Her response? "Well, I figured that would probably happen. Very few adoptions actually go through and I knew that now was not the time for the two of you to be parents. The Lord knew you couldn't handle it."

I expected it to be bad, but that really was like shrapnel to my heart. While I sat in stunned silence she continued "By the way, I saw [enter person] this morning - you know him right? Well that's [enter her son's name]'s friend and he was telling me that he's going to be a daddy! Isn't that wonderful! I had to call [enter son's name] immediately and tell him the good news. I've called him with so much bad news this week I thought this would help him out to know." Did I mention the friend in question - and, indeed, her son - are both 6 years younger than me and 8 years younger than The Hubs? Why is he better prepared to be a parent than we are? After all, we've been married for 7 years and he isn't married to the mother (hasn't even been with her for very long), so what gives?

When I lacked enthusiasm in being happy for them, she proceeded to tell me I should not be upset about the adoption falling through. She again repeated the Lord knew we couldn't "handle" a baby right now and that our time would come in a few years. (I didn't realize she had a mystery phone line to God! If I had known that, I would have snuck over to her house to use it many years ago! But, sarcasm aside...) She could not understand why I was upset about the adoption falling through. It wasn't as though I had been pregnant or if the baby had even been born yet.

It was all make believe.

Which leads me to the question: am I allowed to grieve?

It is true that I was never pregnant, so its not as though I had a miscarriage. We had only known the adoption was even a possibility for a few weeks, so I hadn't had time to get so thoroughly invested that it was like my own pregnancy. I didn't even get to attend a doctor visit. I didn't even begin to suffer what others in this IF community have been through, but still.....

I was his mother!! He had so throroughly become my own in my mind that it was like losing him through a miscarriage. It was like having him in my arms and then him being snatched away. It would not have felt any less of a loss had he vacated my own body too early. He was MINE......and now he isn't.

Am I to not be afforded the time to mourn him? Does the fact that he will live, albeit with someone else, negate my right to grieve? On top of the inability to conceive myself and the continual sentiments expressed to me that this is not important, am I also to be stripped of my time to feel the pain of this latest loss all because he was not of my body?

It seems truly unfair.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Show & Tell - Cold December Dog



On Tuesday morning I was getting ready to leave for work and I couldn't find Melly (the outside pup) anywhere. I started looking for her because I know her siblings and mother had previously disappeared on us and I wanted to avoid anymore loss (of any kind) right now. When I found her, I couldn't resist taking a photo.


She was all cuddled up with our kitten, Campbell. A testament to how cold it was in South Georgia Tuesday morning.


Go see what the rest of the class are up to over at Mel's.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

All the Messy Details

For those who participated in ICLW last week, I'm very sorry. I completely flaked out on it, but I will make it up next month! Its been a very complicated, messy week and I still feel very down about the whole thing. We've now made a decision, so I feel I should share the details.

On Saturday, November 21, The Hubs and I went out to the movies and a meal for my birthday and our anniversary. We had just left the cinema from seeing New Moon and were headed to the restaurant when my phone rang. I saw that the call was from C, so I answered to see what was wrong. She asked what we were doing and I told her, then she started to cry. She explained that they (she and her BF and 2 kiddies) had lost the camper they were living in due to the police claiming it. Apparently the BF had purchased it a couple of years previously from somone who had actually stolen it from his own father. Therefore, it was considered theft by receipt. She went on to explain that her mother had call the Department of Family and Children Services (DFCS) and they had removed the children from her home and placed them with relatives. Her BF had then told her he had a place to stay and didn't know what she was going to do, but she was on her own. She said he left her with no money and no where to stay except with her mother. Her mother was not allowing her to eat anything or use anything without paying for it.

Naturally, The Hubs and I were seriously concerned and cut our evening short to make the 45 minute trip back home and see what we could sort out for her. She had asked for $30 to get the things she needed. Perhaps its a bad trait in me, but I'm wary of giving people cash, so I told her we would come get her and take her to get anything she needed. I also said we would try to do what we could to help her find somewhere else to stay seeing as her mother and her mother's BF are involved with drugs.

When we got to the house to pick her up, she was in her pyjamas. She got in the car with us and we rode around and talked for a bit. She asked if we could come the next day to get her and procure the things she needed. We said that would be fine and, against my better judgement, we gave her $15 cash so she could eat at her mom's home. After she had calmed down some and we had reassured her we would be there to help her out, we returned her to her mother's home (which I was not happy with, but she insisted it would be okay) and we went home.

The next morning, we called her to tell her we were on our way to get her. She didn't answer when we called, so we proceeded to start on our way to get her. We figured we could wait if she needed to get ready. About 10 minutes after our original call (when we were nearly to her mom's home) she called us back, stated that her BF had come back and they had gone to get the things she needed and they didn't need anything right then. She would call me if anything changed. So The Hubs and I turned around and went back home.

The next morning, I was at work when I received a phone call from the doctor C had asked to change to. I work for a hospital system with an OB/BYN employed there. C had told me she was not happy with the doctor she was using, so we filled out paperwork to have her records moved to the doctor at the hospital where I work. On the Monday, the call came through and I was told that the doctor's office had received a call from C's original doctor stating C was not changing doctors, did not want to change doctors and had never wanted to change doctors! I was completely confused because I had not pushed her to change, that was her decision. I was also told that C had been admitted to the hospital on Friday and stayed overnight to Saturday. The same Saturday she saw us and "forgot" to tell us she had been in the hospital! So I attempted to call C. She did not answer the phone. I tried 3 different times and each time it rang and went to voicemail. When I tried again a 4th and successive times, it did not ring at all, but went straight to voicemail. I was very upset and fearful that she had just turned the phone off to avoid my calls. The Hubs tried to calm me by stating that perhaps the phone had gone dead and I managed to keep my panic to a minimum.

Since I was unable to reach her and I really needed to know what was going on, I left work early and The Hubs and I went out to see her. When we arrived, she claimed she had just gotten back from DFCS seeing what she would need to do to get her children back. She explained to us that, when she first found out she was pregnant, she had been taking oxycodone pills and that she had since been seeing a psychiatrist to prescribe inhibitors to help her curb her addiction while pregnant. She stated that DFCS said this was not good enough and they would be sending her to rehab. She stated that because of this, they said the baby would not be allowed to be adopted upon birth and would have to go into a family placement with the other children. She also stated that the police were involved because of the theft charge against her BF. When questioned about her change of mind on changing doctors, she told us the DFCS would not allow her to change doctors. She did say, however, that she still wanted me to attend her doctor appointment on Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) with her and that the appointment was at 3:30pm.

As I've stated before, my family kept foster children when I was growing up and I was previously employed by DFCS myself, so her statement that they would prevent the adoption did not ring true with me. After our visit with her, The Hubs and I decided to visit DFCS ourselves, not to get details of her case, but to find out our own status and what we would need to do to become the foster parents and move forward with adoption. This visit led to the interesting news that DFCS were not involved with the baby yet to be born and that our adoption could proceed as planned. C had not been told there would be a problem with the adoption. We thought perhaps she had misunderstood, however, we were also informed that DFCS had not told C she could not change doctors. In fact, they were all for us adopting the child and saving them the work of placing the baby after birth. For, it turns out, C will be going off to rehab for something like 2 years!

From an independent source (DFCS could not give us this information due to privacy issues, however they told us there were several things we needed to know before proceeding with the adoption), we learned that on the Friday she was admitted to the hospital, C's BF and her mother's BF had been fighting and neighbors had called the police. When the police arrived, C had been found in their camper home passed out with a needle in her arm. She had been shooting up!

We were very upset over this news, as you can imagine! Neither of us knew what to think. C had lied to us repeatedly and now she was not returning our calls. And when we have gone to try to see her, her mother says she's not there anymore and she doesn't know where she is.

I tried to reach her to confirm the time for the doctor's appointment, but she wouldn't answer my calls or return them. Therefore, I contacted the doctor's office to confirm the appointment time. I was told the appointment was not at 3:30pm but was, instead, at 1:15pm! Again, C did not answer my calls when I attempted to contact her. (By the way, the phone is one The Hubs and I purchased for her to use. Fortunately, we only got a pay as you go phone.)

The Hubs and I decided to go to the doctor's office and wait to see if she turned up. We waited for an hour for the first appointment. No C. We thought she had, perhaps, actually thought the appointment time was 3:30, so we came back and waited another hour then. No C. And she still was not answering any calls.

At this point in time, The Hubs and I decided we needed to let go of this dream. For that's all it ever was. We have contacted DFCS again and told them we are still interested in the adoption if it comes to it on their end, but for now we have decided not to even attempt to go any further.

The Hubs has requested we try again on our own, which is our current path. I still feel numb about the whole experience.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Complications

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Ours was okay, but we've had some disappointing news. Since things are uncertain at the moment, I won't go into any great detail. However, I will say that, at the moment, our adoption is on hold. We know C has been lying to us about some important things and she is now avoiding us and not answering our phone calls. We both feel devestated. I will post more when we know more. Thanks for your support.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Its IComLeavWe Time Again!

Welcome IComLeavWeers!

I get so excited this time each month! I'm so glad you decided to take the time to visit my blog. If you'd like to know more about how we got to this point, you can read about my infertility history, our recent exciting news and my belief on how the two work together.

For this month though, I thought I'd do something a little different! So, I've enlisted the help of my partner in crime, The Hubs! He is going to ask me some questions of his choice which I will write out for you and I will give you the answer! So, grab a cup of hot cocoa, tea or coffee, sit back and enjoy!

1. The Hubs - We have an anniversary coming up (it's Monday). If money were no object, how would you like to celebrate it?

This is a very interesting question. I would love to go away to the Bahamas before The Pengu gets here in February. That would be truly awesome. Although, I would also love to go shopping for a house, but I'm assuming that if money were no object, we would already have our dream home.

2. The Hubs - What is your proudest accomplishment?

I think the thing I'm most proud of (at the moment) is returning to school at the beginning of 2009 after 10 years out of school and, a year later, having maintained a 4.0 GPA. I'm working on obtaining my Bachelors degree in Social Sciences with an education concentration so that I can teach. I think I would really love teaching!

3. The Hubs - We lived in England for 3 1/2 years. What do you miss most from that time?

Wow! That's a great question! So much to choose from. I really miss the old beautiful buildings and the history of the place. I also miss walking everywhere we go. The food is another thing I miss (although often more bland than American food, I did get quite attached to many things there that we can't find here back in the States). However, the thing I miss most was the level of independence we had while living there. The Hubs' family all lived at least a 30 minute journey from us and that suited us well. Now that we're back in the States and live right next door to my mom and dad, its very stifling. Don't get me wrong! I love my parents very much and I appreciate all the help and support they give us, but we've lived next door to them for almost 3 years and they think they should be involved in every aspect of our life. That can get very tiring after so many years of being totally independent. Its the reason we're hoping to be able to move before February.

4. The Hubs - What did you miss most about the States while you were living in England.

The answer to this is very funny to the point of being ironic. The thing I missed most while living in England was......my family. I hated not being able to see them when I wanted. I thought that being back in the States would be great because we'd have our own home, about 30 minutes away from them, and I'd be able to visit them at least once or twice a month. I never dreamed we'd be living right next door and seeing them everyday!

5. The Hubs - What are you afraid of?

There are many answers to this question. I'm afraid of water (I can't swim), I'm afraid I won't be a good parent, I'm afraid I'll never have independence again, and I'm afraid the future won't lead to better things (although I hope these last 3 are unfounded fears!).

6. The Hubs - What's the most beautiful/impressive place you've ever been?

Hands down it was London viewed from the London Eye! I love that city! And it was such an amazing view! I have it on video, but its not digital, so I can't post a pic for you. However, I definitely recommend this experience if you're ever in London!

7. The Hubs - What's the best thing about living in South?

Hmmm....the best thing about living in the South would have to be the food! (Can you tell yet that I love food and cooking is a HUGE part of my life?) I love Southern cuisine. It has such a homey feel to it and it makes the house smell fantastic!

8. The Hubs - What is the most unusual journey you've ever been on?

Hahaha! Well, this requires telling a story of one of the misadventures The Hubs' and I have been on. Several years ago while still in England, we decided we wanted to give his family luxury food hampers for Christmas. We had heard of a place in Leeds that made custom baskets and we decided to try to find the shop so we could get their gifts. We took the train into Leeds, then took a taxi to where the place was supposed to be located. When we told the taxi driver where we were headed, he looked at us a bit dubiously, but he took us there anyway.

When we got where we were going, we got out of the taxi and looked around us. We were in a very rough and seedy area of Leeds to which neither of us had ever been. We saw no evidence of any businesses around, so we turned back to get back into the taxi. However, the driver was long gone! The Hubs looked at me and I returned his concerned gaze. We both shrugged and decided to attempt to find the place. We looked and looked but came up with nothing. By this time, it was beginning to edge towards darkness (the northern part of England gets dark very early in December!), so we decided to locate a bus stop and make our way back into town. As we looked for the bus stop, we noticed something interesting: while there seemed to be no bus stops about, there did seem to be quite a few scantily clad women about. Then we noticed a car drive up to one of the ladies who leaned in the passenger window and then climbed into the car with the driver. The Hubs told me he thought we should start walking - we had just seen a John pick up a prostitute!

We began walking, trying to find any site of civilized city. We were using the spire of a church in the center of the city to navigate our way in. At one point in time, we lost site of the spire and stopped outside a block of flats to determine which way we should be going. While we were standing there, we heard a loud belch sound out. We looked at one another, then looked around. It was at that point that we noticed a very drunk man passed out in the steps leading to the basement flat. The Hubs started pushing me and said "Move, move! Let's just walk!". Several minutes later, we found ourselves near an outlet store we had previously looked for but been unable to find. We gratefully entered the store and walked around for a few minutes to calm ourselves. Once calmed down, we did a bit of shopping, then walked out the doors that led to the other side of the store. There we found a bus stop and made our way back to the train station.

You would think after that adventure, we'd have learned better, but no! I have a thousand stories of mishaps such as this that The Hubs and I have gotten into!

9. The Hubs - What is your worst feature?

My temper. I have a very, very bad temper. It takes a long time for me to really get wound up enough for that temper to show, but once I get beyond the breaking point - watch out! Its nuclear!

10. The Hubs - What is your best feature?

This one is harder for me to determine. I think, though, it would probably be my charitable nature. I would give the clothes off my back to someone if they needed it. I hate to see anyone do without and I would always rather give than receive something. I'm one of those people who wants to make sure everyone around me is clothed, fed and has anything they could want or need.


I hope you feel as though you know me a bit better now! Enjoy your time at my blog and have a wonderful IComLeavWe!!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Show and Tell - First Baby Haul



I have three siblings (two brothers and a sister) who are all a good bit older than I am. They each have 1 child and there is a 7 1/2 year age gap between each of the children. In fact, my nephew (who is my eldest sibling M's son) is 7 1/2 years younger than I am. MJ (my nephew) is 23, Boop (eldest niece and daughter of second eldest sibling, brother D) turns 16 next week and Bug (youngest niece, daughter of sister D) is 8. All that being said, its been a while since my Mom had a grandchild who was a baby......so she's going a little baby crazy!

This past weekend, she bought us our first baby stuff (aside from what we'd put away over the years). Below is our first baby haul.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Meeting With C / Birthdayversary

We finally got to have a sit down meeting with C on Sunday to discuss the adoption. She is still definitely wanting to proceed with the adoption. She said she knew the baby would have a better life with us than she would be able to provide him. I told her that I hoped she would want to be part of his life. The Hubs and I said we wouldn't force her to do anything other than what she was comfortable with, but we wanted her to know the option was there if she wanted to see him and be active in his life. She seemed very happy with this route.

Our next move will be contacting our lawyer and getting everything ready to proceed with the adoption! I'm very excited! So much to do and so little time to get it done in, but we're on the way now! I know we'll do what we have to do to get there.

Btw, The Pengu (this is his blog name) was extremely active when we were visiting with C on Sunday! He was kicking fiercely! I got to feel him moving and it was so incredible! C said he wakes up around lunch and then stays active until 3 or 4 in the morning. I told The Hubs we were in for trouble, lol!

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Several years ago, The Hubs and I coined the term Birthdayversary for the events coming up in a few days. Sunday is my birthday and Monday is our anniversary, so we began calling it the Birthdayversary Celebration. We don't have any big plans this year, just going out for a meal and then to the cinema to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon (of course I'm going to see it! Adopting doesn't mean I lose my love for Twilight :D). I've been waiting months for this movie to come out (along with every other Twilight fan in the world), so I'm really looking forward to this weekend. The Hubs even says he thinks he'll like it. This one will be more action-packed and, as he says, he's "Team Alice", lol! I just hope it lives up to the book!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Show and Tell - Christmas Crocheting



I participate in Secret Angels at my church. Basically, its a secret pal type thing. In March at our annual Ladies Tea Party, I was given the name of my Secret Angel. Throughout the year, I give her a gift for major holidays and her birthday and anniversary. I've been working diligently over the last few weeks to get my gift for my Secret Angel ready for Christmas. I'm now doubly ready to get this project completed so I can begin working on my next project for our baby!

A few pics for you to enjoy:


A shot of the handwork



Me, working away!




A view of the project to date


See what the rest of the class are up to at Mel's!

Ornament & Dreidel Exchange Reminder

Don't forget to sign up for the Christmas Ornament and Hannukah Dreidel Exchange! Sign up closes this Sunday,November 15. Exchange details will be emailed on Monday.

If you'd like more details about the exchange you can read this post. There are currently 10 participants in the ornament exchange and 1 participant for the dreidel exchange. If you're interested, be sure not to miss out!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Show and Tell - A Doggy Halloween




This week I'm showing Halloween at our house, as only dogs can celebrate! The first video is The Pog saying hello to our online friends.



And the next is The Pog and Melly having a grand ole' doggy time!



See what the rest of the class are up to over at Mel's!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Story of Promises, Faith and Hope

The story begins two years ago today exactly. It was a Sunday morning. The Hubs and I had gotten very excited because AF was late! We thought we must surely be pregnant. We woke early and The Hubs waited while I took the test. Then we waited together until time to read the results. We walked hand-in-hand to the bathroom and eagerly looked at the test.

Negative.

To this day, that moment still burns in my memory more strongly than all the other negative results. It seemed like the world was crashing down around me. My insides felt as though they had turned to jelly and I wasn't sure I could ever stop crying. It felt like all hope was gone. I asked The Hubs why we even continued trying. What was the point?

The morning seemed to have found its pivotal point for what would be thrown at us. When I had managed to compose myself enough to consider readying myself for church, I was unable to find my slip. Great, I thought, Just great. A search ensued and eventually the wayward slip turned up. However, by that time we were late for Sunday school and resigned ourselves to simply making it to church on time.

When we made it into church, our normal seats 3 rows from the back were occupied by a visitor. We looked at one another, sighed and made our way to the only empty seats in the place, about 4 rows from the front. This day's church service was not a typical one. A baby was being dedicated to the Lord. Not just any baby though. The 2 month old son of friends who had fought their own seven year battle with infertility and who had, four years into that battle, adopted a child. Two years later, they had found themselves pregnant with a biological child. Naturally.

I should have been happy for them. I should have been overjoyed. And I was happy, but deep inside, it was tearing me to pieces. The Hubs put his arm around me as tears wracked my body and I desperately attempted to keep my meltdown in check and away from the attention of those surrounding us. I got a couple of curious glances, but managed to keep it together, mostly. The tear stains on my dress were tell-tell signs of my anguish, but the wracking sobs calmed to silent shakes of my shoulders and huge, wet slides down my cheeks. When our pastor made his usual alter call, The Hubs and I quietly retreated from the church and to our car.

I told The Hubs how much I was hurting as we started driving away and he expressed he was feeling much the same way. I again asked why we we continued to try only to have the same heartbreak over and over. Suddenly, The Hubs asked me to read our Sunday school lesson. He said he felt a need to hear it. So I pulled our Sunday school book out of my bible and began to read. The lesson was from 1 Samuel and told of how Hannah had prayed many years for a child and had, after years of trying in futility, been made fruitful and bore Samuel. I began crying again as I read. How much more would I be asked to bear this day?

However, as I continued reading, a voice came in my head. The word I heard was very clear, although the meaning was not. The word was February. A warmth flowed through my body and a peace came over me. I felt bouyant with joy. It felt like I had the answer I was seeking, why we kept hoping. But, how could February be the answer to why we continued trying and hoping for a child? I didn't understand. I simply knew it was. I told The Hubs that I didn't know when or why or how but February would be important in the life of our child. And, for a time, knowing that was enough. I was able to accept our lot, knowing that the future held better.

I am ashamed to admit (although I have done this previously on this site), though, that I did not keep that faith. I was tested and I didn't hold up as strong as I had hoped I would. Life came at me, full force, and I lost my belief that we were being looked after. I doubted. It only took me a few months to regain my faith and see that I was being tested, but I'm still saddened that I failed my first test. However, I believe that the Lord has promised to look after us and that, even if we make mistakes, He will still keep his word if we will just trust in him.

A few weeks ago, after several months out of church, we began our climb back to faithfulness. At the beginning, it was a very difficult journey because, on the surface, nothing had changed. Life was still hard. Two Februaries had come and gone with no sign of our child. I had been subjected to THAT look from friends when I had told them why I was so adamant February would be important. That look that is a mixture sympathy, disbelief and ridicule that is reserved for women who have been trying for years to conceive a child. The one that says "oh-you-poor-thing-you-really-have-gone-off-the-deep-end-this-time-to-believe-the-Lord-spoke-to-you-and-told-you-he-would-give-you-a-child". The one that is just ever so slightly smug because they have the one thing you would give most anything for.

Why did I think I would be able to trust again when nothing had changed. The answer is I had changed. I had been to and through the worst I could imagine. And yet, I was still standing. I still had a home, I still had a husband who loved me, I still had family who helped me when I needed it, I still had more than I deserved and I still had a Creator who would forgive me, still loved me and would still provide for me.

Knowing all this made my journey back a lot easier. Then the news of our hopeful adoption came last week.

At church Sunday, I told the friend who's son had been dedicated that prophetic Sunday the news that we may be adopting a child. Eyes glowing, she asked me if we knew the gender of the baby and when I said yes and told her, she insisted I find her mom (who is my next door neighbor and a close friend as well) and tell her the news. When I did, she excitedly told me of a dream God had given her just before The Hubs and I returned to our church. In the dream, she had seen The Hubs and I holding our child and dedicating him to the Lord. The baby was a boy. And he is due in February.

While we've still not been able to sit down with the birth mom, C, to discuss details, I feel things will work out for the best. I feel this child has been ordained for us and the Lord's plan will come to pass. If this child is not the one the Lord has planned for us, if C decides to parent him herself (and I would support her as much as I could on this decision, no matter how hard it was for me), if any of a hundred other things prevent this adoption from being successful, I will accept that and trust that the Lord has another child for us. And that February will still be important for that child. And that we will parent a special little boy.

Of this, I am absolutely certain. The Lord promised. My faith is regained. And The Hubs and I have hope overflowing from every pore of our being.

I don't ask anyone else to feel as I do about the Lord. I don't even ask you to believe that I was given a message. You may feel I'm crazy and that's okay. I understand that feeling. I've had it myself at times over the last 2 years. But I know. I know there is a promise that has been made and will be kept. I hope each person who reads this has something they can believe in and hold to. It is one of the best feelings in the world!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Show and Tell - Vol 7 - A Little Hope





Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy


- The iconic words of John Lennon from Beautiful Boy


My Show and Tell this week is a bit unorthodox. This was not the post that had been brewing in my head all day, but the afternoon's events dictacted this post. There isn't really much showing, but a good bit of telling. I'll begin at the beginning :D

When I was young, my parents were foster parents. We had around 70 some odd children in our home over a 5 year period. Some came and stayed a short time, others came and were with us for several years. One such child was a little girl who came to us at the age of 4. She was placed in foster care due to neglect on the part of her parents. Despite the age difference between her and myself (I am 7 years older than she), she and I grew very close. We loved one another just as blood siblings and, to this day, she still calls me "Sissy" occasionally.

Fast forward to the present. This same girl is now 23 years old, married and the mom of 2 little boys. She and her family are happy, but they do not have a lot of money (as is the case with many families in rural Georgia). I had not seen her in ages, but approximately 2 months ago, she approached my mom and told her she was pregnant again and she was going to be giving the child up for adoption because she could not financially, mentally, or physically afford another child. That was the last we heard until today.

This afternoon, she approached my mom again and asked if The Hubs and I would be willing to adopt her child. My mom called us and we, of course, said yes! This is a wonderful opportunity for us! My foster sister said she simply wanted to know the child would be loved and she knew that it would receive all the love in the world with us, because she had. She said she could not imagine her child with anyone in the world other than The Hubs and I.

So, we are now in hurry up and wait mode. We are scheduling a meeting with my foster sister sometime in the next few days to discuss the adoption. After that meeting, we will be contacting a lawyer and beginning the proceedings for our private adoption. Assuming the adoption goes through, we want my foster sister to be a large part of our child's life, but we want to be respectful of her wishes too. I feel a bit premature announcing this now, but I was too excited to hold it back. While I know there are many, many things that can change the outcome of this decision, The Hubs and I are cautiously optimistic.

So, if things go to plan, The Hubs and I will be welcoming our son home sometime near his due date of February 3, 2009.

By the way, anyone who has any advice on private adoption (particularly in Georgia) is welcome to leave it!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Ornament and Dreidel Exchange

Fall is absolutely my favorite time of year! I love that it brings cooler days, richer colors and feelings of excitement. Each evening, The Hubs and I stand on our back porch and breathe in the crisp air - sometimes accompanied by the smell of wood smoke from chimneys if its cool enough - and hold each other, thankful that we still have a love so pure and true despite the struggles and disappointments of the last year.

Most places I go, the scent of cinnamon, pumpkin and spice lingers in the air, making my mind skip ahead to the coming celebrations. My favorite holidays - Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas - are mere days away. My birthday and anniversary are right in the middle of all these celebrations. Despite it being the end of the year and the dying off of plant life, for me it is life beginning again. Everything comes full circle and we gear up to start over again. It is a promise that, no matter what misfortune may have befell us the year previous, a new beginning is on the horizon.

It gives me hope for a more beautiful tomorrow.

With that said, I would like to explain my latest idea. Every year, I generally try to do something fun with my online friends. Previous years have usually included either gift exchanges or card exchanges. This year, with The Hubs still unemployed, funds are tighter. However, I would still like to do something fun and, since I'm new to the IF blogging world, I'd like to include you all!

My idea this year was for a Christmas Ornament and Hannukah (Chanukah) Dreidel exchange. I think it is a wonderful thing to receive something to help you celebrate your holiday season you know was picked out especially with you in mind by the person who sent it! It draws us closer and brings us new friends. Therefore, for all who would like to participate, I will post the guidelines:


  1. The amount you would like to spend on your ornament or dreidel is up to you. I want everyone who would like to participate be able to do so please do not feel you have to spend an enormous amount! I would suggest an amount under 10 USD, but this is only a suggestion.

  2. You can choose to participate in the ornament exchange, the dreidel exchange or both. Totally your choice!

  3. If you practice a different religion (or no religion) and would like to add an exchange to reflect, please contact me.

  4. The deadline to sign up is November 15, 2009. This is to give everyone time to purchase their exchange item and get it mailed so everyone can enjoy it for this year's holiday season.

  5. On November 16, 2009, I will randomly draw names to give each person their exchange partner and send an email out to each participant, providing the details of their exchange partner. Your name will be kept secret from your exchange partner until the exchange arrives at each participants' home.

  6. All exchange's should be in the post by November 25, 2009. This way, the exchange's should be to everyone by the start of Hannukah (or for anyone International, should be received during Hannukah) and in time to be displayed on Christmas trees for everyone's enjoyment.
  7. Each exchange should include either an ornament or dreidel and a card.

  8. If you would like to sign up, please complete the form located here.

If you have any questions or suggestions, please do not hesitate to contact me!! I want us all to have a wonderful holiday season!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Good Cause and Starting My "Wish To Do" List

I recently found a link on Kristen's blog to a very important, worthy cause: Preemie Presents. Sarah is working to get gifts together for families with preemies in the hospital over the holiday season. Her latest post says that she still needs donations of money for clothing, money or gift cards to Bath and Body Works (where she purchases the hand sanitizer each year) and handmade items. Also, any promotion and word of mouth passing on you can do for her would be a huge help!!

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I've started recently thinking about the things I want to accomplish and the places I'd like to go before I die. I started my own "Wish to Do" list (some people call it a "Bucket List" but I prefer "Wish to Do") and I thought I'd share some of my ideas with you.


  1. Have a baby (well, obviously, lol!)
  2. Visit Paris
  3. Visit Israel
  4. Buy our own home
  5. Complete my degree
  6. Write a novel
  7. Learn to use my sewing machine well
  8. Visit Russia
  9. Make enough items to open my own Etsy shop


I know. It's pretty pathetic right now. But, I'll be adding to it! So....

What's would your "Wish To Do" list have on it?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Show and Tell - Vol 6 - Images From Wistfulgirl's Real World



For this week's Show and Tell, I thought I would share some images with you from this past weekend of my real world. Some of the images come from the festival The Hubs and I attended with my sister, her 8 year old daughter (R-Bug - my adorable niece), our 16 year old niece (Boop), and R-Bug's best friend. The other images are from a walk with Isabel (our inside dog who I may alternately call Pog occasionally - that's her nickname) and Melody (or Melly, our outside dog). It was just a very relaxing weekend. I'll warn you ahead of time - there are a few photos this week!


A field near our home. I think this is one of the most beautiful places in our neighborhood.


The Hubs at the fall festival.


My eldest niece, Boop.


My youngest niece, R-Bug (the blonde on the left - our adopted baby!) and her best friend Saturday at the fall festival.


The Hubs, Pog (the black dog) and Melly on our Sunday walk.


A secret little pond near our home. Not many people know about it.


And last but not least:


Me, taken at the fall festival Saturday.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Welcome ICLWers!

Its IComLeavWe time again! So if you've made your way here via ICLW, welcome! If you found my little corner some other way, welcome to you as well!

A little background:

My name is Lynn and I'm 30 years old (although I'll be celebrating a birthday when this time comes around next month!). I'm married to an amazing guy I met online in 2000. We got married in November 2002 and will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary next month. We've been trying to start a family for almost 6 years without any success.

My TTC history:

We began TTC on our first wedding anniversary. We were prepared for it to take up to a year, as this is common for most couples. However, we were not prepared for the hoopla that has ensued! I have never had regular cycles, but we tried anyway. We were stubborn at first and determined we would do this on our own. So we tried for several years with the result of - nada, nuttin', zilch. In late 2004, I started having some serious pains in my upper right abdominal area (right under my breast) and could not figure out what the problem was. These carried on for several months until I finally decided I had to see a doctor (I do not like to go to the doctor, so this was a biggie for me). At the time, The Hubs and I were living in England (where The Hubs is from and our marital home for the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage) and the doctors there were stumped for a bit. They sent me to have several ultrasounds (abdominal, pelvic, etc.) performed to see what the problem was. The ultrasounds proved not very helpful, as the doctors were unable to see much. I was told (by a very rude doctor) that I was "too fat" for the ultrasounds to see properly. It was determined that I probably had gallstones and I was put on an 18 month waiting list for an operation to remove my gallbladder (yup, that's what you get with a nationalized heath system).

I continued to suffer from severe pain in my abdomen and nothing much seemed to help. In January 2006 (about 6 months into the 18 month wait), The Hubs and I received his visa to live in the USA and we repatriated. Fast forward to February 2007, I was still having severe abdominal pain and attacks that would have me doubled over. After one such attack at work and a trip to ER, my employer at the time told me I could not come back to work until I had scheduled surgery to remove my gallbladder (he was concerned for my health, but don't be fooled - he was an ass). The Hubs insurance had just come into effect, so I made an appointment with my doctor, who promptly sent me over for an ultrasound (with similar results to the previous ones) and on to a surgeon. That was on Monday, March 5 and my surgery was scheduled for Friday, March 9.

On Friday, I went in for surgery, was put to sleep and woke up in a lot of pain several hours later (crying for The Hubs, no less). When I woke, they had not yet remembered to give me any pain medication, but it was quickly injected and I was given some shocking news. When the surgeon had gone in (laproscopically) to do the surgery, he was frightened at first that they had perforated and inflated the bowel, as he was unable to see my gallbladder. However, he quickly determined that the real problem was an enormous cyst sitting on my right ovary and pushing all of my internal organs up and to the left! He removed 2 litres of fluid (yup, like a 2L bottle of Coke) from the cyst, then removed the cyst and sent it off to be biopsied (it came back benign, thankfully). He then went on to remove my gallbladder (which had been verging on gaingrenous). He stated that, with both the cyst and the gallbladder the way they were, it was no wonder I had been in so much pain.

So, after recovery time, The Hubs and I got back to TTC. We thought it would be no problem at all now to conceive. But in September 2008, we had still not conceived, so I made an appointment with my OB/GYN. At my first visit, she diagnosed me with PCOS and did some blood work to determine if I had diabetes or insulin resistance. She also had The Hubs do an SA, which came back excellent (The Hubs strutted around for days like he was a rock star) so at least we didn't have to add male factor to our problems. My bloodwork came back that, while I did not have diabetes, I was indeed insulin resistant. My doctor prescribed Metformin and said to wait and see if this would regulate my cycles without Clomid. It didn't.

In April 2009, I finally convinced my doctor to prescribe Provera and Clomid. I just knew Clomid was going to be our wonder drug. Four negative Clomid cycles later, I gave up on that dream and The Hubs and I decided to take a break from medicated cycles until he could regain employment (he lost his job in November 2008 and has been looking ever since). We weren't going to stop TTC, just no medication until we felt comfortable moving onto our RE referral and an IUI cycle.

I just finished my first post-Clomid, unmedicated cycle (which I had "boosted" with Soy Isos). It lasted 89 days and I had no convincing O (despite the red CH given to me by FF). Since my O was not delayed, but in fact did not happen, I decided to give Soy Isos another shot. I increased my dosage with this cycle and am currently on CD 6 - Day 4 of soy. With the worst case scenario, my cycle will once again be long.

So, that gets you up to date with me. If you've made it this far reading, you must really be bored, lol! But thanks! Hope you enjoy your time at my blog and have a great IComLeavWe!

Monday, October 19, 2009

New Cycle and Other Bits and Pieces

Finally!

AF finally turned up on Friday, so I am on to a new cycle now :D I'm really pleased. I decided to give soy one more try. I read somewhere that your dosage needed to be double what your Clomid dosage had been and I didn't do that last cycle. My chart from last cycle isn't showing a clear O pattern, so I think its very likely I either did not O or had a weak O. I have, thus, increased my soy dosage to 240mg for 5 days. I took the first dose last night. I'll just have to see how things progress with it.

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The Hubs and I had a great time working with Disney's A Christmas Carol Train Tour! It was a lot of fun! Very hard work, but lots of fun. The Hubs was stationed in the car that had videos playing on several screens telling how the movie was made and I was at the activities table applying temporary tattoos to the little ones (and several big ones, lol), as well as passing out activities sheets. I'm really glad we did it!

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This past weekend, The Hubs and I attended a local festival. We thought it would be a lot of fun since it had been in the past, but either the abrupt change of Georgia weather (its been cold! in Ocotber! That never happens down here) or economic change over the last year has affected it. There was hardly anything there. We only stayed about half an hour, but we got some good photos (which I may share for Show and Tell this week). After we left there, we visited my sister, brother-in-law and niece. We hadn't seen them in a while, so it was a nice visit.

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Today starts this month's Blogger Bingo! I'm excited about it! I have no idea how Mel has the time to come up with all these different activities, but I'm grateful for them :D Now....fingers crossed I get to call bingo!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Good News Day

Got an email today from the university I'm attending. I made the Dean's List for Summer 2009!!! I'm very excited! I've worked very hard since I started, so I'm hoping I will be able to graduate with honors. I'm finishing up my first year and I have two and a half more years to go before I complete my degree. I don't think making Dean's List is bad going :D

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The Hubs got a call today. He had applied for a one day job/gig working with Disney working as a Tour Assistant for their train tour for the new movie A Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey. So this morning he answers the call and gets offered the position, which has turned into a two day gig! Great news!

The tour stop is a couple of hours from where we live and the hours go late the first day and start very early the next day, so The Hubs and I decided he would get a hotel for the one night. The Hubs had been asked if he knew anyone else who could help because they needed lots of people. I decided to take two days paid leave from my job and help too! So, I'll get paid from my normal job and make the extra money from helping with the tour.

The tour looks like its going to be a lot of fun, so, if one comes your way, go check it out!

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I hesitate to share this news, but it looks like after 85 days of nothing happening with my cycle, I have some spotting! Its not much, but anything is a sign that maybe something is happening. I never thought I'd be wishing for AF to start, but today is one of those days I wish she'd come. I'm really hoping I start so I can move on to the next cycle and leave this horrible one behind.

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Here are today's Friday Five.

1. Who in your life is as blind as a bat? My mother - in more than a few ways!

2. Who in your life is as happy as a clam? My sister

3. Who in your life is as mad as a wet hen? That would be the younger of my two brothers.

4. Who in your life is as stubborn as a mule? Hehe, The Hubs, no doubt about it!

5. Who in your life is as quiet as a mouse? My dad these days. Didn't used to be that way, but he is now.

Okay, that's it for me today! Hope you all have a lovely Friday!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

My First Award!

I was checking the comments I missed while suffering the migraine this week and I found I had received an award from my new blogging buddy Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle! She is enormously charming and witty so please go pay her a visit!



Here are the rules
1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? red
3. your mother? working
4. Your father? home
5. Your favorite food? Italian
6. Your dream last night? unremembered
7. Your favorite drink? sierra mist
8. Your dream/goal? mom
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? crafting
11. Your fear? childlessness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? well
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? laptop
17. Where did you grow up? Georgia
18. Last thing you did? work
19. What are you wearing? scrubs
20. Your TV? comedies
21. Your pets? loved
22. Friends? great!
23. Your life? improving
24. Your mood? sad
25. Missing someone? in-laws
26. Vehicle? Chevy
27. Something you’re not wearing? earrings
28. Your favorite store? craft
29. Your favorite color? purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? lunch
31. Last time you cried? earlier
32. Your best friend? Hubs
33. One place that I go to over and over? craft store
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Applebee's

Recipients
1) Hawthorn Hill - One of my best friends for many years, writes about crafting and family in the UK
2) Aceswyf - Another good friend for many years, sarcastic and funny, writes about life on the west coast with her daughter and hubby
3) Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic - Recently discovered blog, sincere and heartfelt, writes about TTC and life
4) Maybe Baby? - Another recent blog find, unsure yet determined, writes about her current pregnancy and previous loss
5) Once A Mother - A further new blog find, searingly emotional and heartwrenching, writes about the too soon loss of her beautiful daughter to infant leukemia
6) Dreams of Quiet Places - And yet another new find, witty and stunningly honest, writes about her life after escaping spousal emotional abuse and her wonderful doggy, Miss Famous

Please visit these wonderful ladies!

Show and Tell - Vol 5



My Show and Tell is fairly weak this week (lol). I've been sick most of the week with a migraine headache, so haven't been out and about much. However, before the evil headache monster got me The Hubs and I stole a few hours away from real life to go to the cinema. I've been going on and on for about two months wanting to see the new Fame when it came out. So on Saturday we decided to get our singing-dancing-acting-musical-instrument-playing fix and headed out to make the 45 minute drive to the nearest cinema (yes, 45 minutes for a movie - we live in a town that progress forgot).

We had planned to go out for a meal and spend the whole day out, but the migraine had already started its menacing path towards making me ill enough to wish I was dead and I was feeling a bit ~nughf~. Thus, we decided the movie alone was enough. The movie was good and there were a few excellent bits, but I have to admit I felt it was a bit lacking. I've seen the original Fame and I felt the characters were more developed in the original than the newer version. I was just left wanting more. It was kind of like eating one cookie or just one Pringle. I enjoyed it, but I wanted more. However, the scene in the lunchroom where they all break out and improvise was amazing! Very impressed with it.



See what the rest of the class are up to here.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday Five - October 2

Here are today's Friday Five.

1. Which of your stories have you probably told the greatest number of times to the most people?

The Story of how The Hubs and I met. I'm working on getting this up on my website. Maybe someday I'll have it up again.

2. What’s a story someone else often tells about you, much to your chagrin?

My mother takes great pleasure in telling the story of how I couldn't skip when I was doing the physical to start kindergarten. I was too fat and I had no coordination. To fix this, I was started in twirling and dance lessons. I loved those lessons!

3. What oft-told story from a chapter in your life seems to be remembered differently by different people who were there?

My dad got very sick a few years ago and we were worried he wouldn't make it. The family was called in 3 different times and told to prepare for the worst. The ins and outs of this time are remembered differently by each of us and we often disagree about when and what things actually happened during this time. I blame it on the emotional upset we were all going through.

4. What are some of the details, without retelling the whole story, of a story you’ve told often but never to your parents?

Jose Cuervo, ex-boyfriend, ex-boyfriend's other girlfriend (whom I had just found out about and vice versa, busted windshield. Enough said, I think.

5. What song would be an appropriate soundtrack to the story of your most embarrassing moment?

Loser by Beck

Cycle Day 76 - AF/O where are you?!

Note: This is a TMI post.

Today is cycle day 76.

It feels like this cycle will never end. I had some EWCM again yesterday, which had me hopeful. Today my temp is way down. I don't know what my body is playing at, but I really hope something will happen soon. It's so frustrating!

I'm not a patient person. I'm working on this, but for the time being, patience is a virtue that deserts me. I just want the next cycle to start, even though we're taking a break from medical treatment until The Hubs is back in work. I know that if the next cycle would go ahead and start, I could try the natural route again with supplements. This cycle I took Soy Isoflavones which didn't seem to do much of anything. Maybe I didn't take enough?

If I don't get a sign of either O or AF in the next few days, I'll try Vitex. I've heard it does good things, so maybe it would work for me. Anyone got any information on how it works or any stories about their own experience with Vitex? I'd be interested to hear them.

I know we aren't pg - my temps have been staying much too low for that. My chart looks very sad. PCOS is a real witch!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Show and Tell - Vol. 4



During my time in England, one of my very favourite (favorite) places to visit was Newmillerdam. It was a beautiful little area with a lovely lake and lots of trees where we used to take Isabel to walk. It was a 35 minute bus journey for us to get there, but we'd often go on the weekends. It reminded me a lot of home.

Beside the lake there was an old boathouse that was so gorgeous! Everytime I saw it, my fingers itched to paint it. I swore one day I would gather my easel, watercolors and painting pad and set up to capture the beautiful lines. It truly was my plan to record those memories for when I returned to the US. But, as time went on and I didn't gather the supplies and go, I realized that it, like so many dreams and plans I've had in life, was floating away like a feather on the wind, until eventually I was out of time to paint it. We moved without me ever having done what I promised myself I would do.



Now that we live in the US, my chances to paint the boathouse are very limited. We've only returned to the UK once in the almost-four-years we've been here. I hope when we go back next, I will make time to go sit and finally see my plan come to fruition. However, it won't feel the same as before. It will feel as though its missing something without Isabel being with us. That's what happens when I put things off - I find myself longing for the past.

See what the rest of the class are up to here.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Regaining Faith

Faith is such a difficult thing to maintain when you're going through a crisis or a series of crises. I know this first-hand. I felt my faith slipping earlier this year and I did nothing to try to maintain it. I let it slip from my shoulders like an old sweater I no longer wanted to wear.

Infertility, marital stresses, spousal unemployment, changes at work and several other things led to my distress, but they were things I could have worked on. Things I could have taken responsibility for. Instead, I chose to blame God. I yelled, I ranted, I raved, I screamed, I cursed and, finally, I distrusted. I felt that the Lord should be helping. I felt like I'd been told my whole life that He would never put us through more than we could handle, He was with us always, He would carry us when we were walking through the storm. I felt like I was under more than I could handle. I felt utterly alone.

I continued to feel this way for almost 7 months. I almost completely stopped attending church. When I did go, I found fault with things said, things done. And things continued to get worse. Four cycles of Clomid failed, The Hubs continued to be unemployed, finances continued to be stressed, work got even more stressful. Yet I still failed to see this was my test.

A week ago, I had an epiphany.

I realized the problem wasn't God. The problem was me. Here I was saying I loved Him, I trusted Him, yet I blamed Him when things went wrong. I didn't stop to look at the things that had gone right in the same period of time. I didn't thank Him for The Hubs whom I had resolved some serious issues with and grown much closer to than we had been in years. I didn't thank Him for the mother I have who has been generously helping us when she could. I didn't thank Him for my being employed when so many others are not. I didn't thank Him for the roof over our head or the food in our bellies. I didn't thank Him for the love of our awesome furbabies sent to fill the void until we have our own children. I didn't thank Him for the peace I feel in small moments, untouched by reality. I didn't thank Him for still loving me even though I had given up on Him.

But things change and occassionally we're offered a beam of insight.

So here I sit today, The Hubs still unemployed, finances still stressed, still infertile, still in a stressful job situation, but with a better frame of mind, with a heart full of faith and trust. Because, no matter what life brings our way, I know we'll make it through to the other side. We may be nearly broken when we get there, but we will get there. He promised this.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Friday Five - A Little Late

During my ICLW visits today, I ran across Not a Fertile Myrtle. She's a very funny lady, so go check her out! Anyway, she had posted her Friday Five, which is something I used to participate in years ago on my old blog. I used to really enjoy it, so I thought I'd give it another go! I'm a little late this week, but here goes:

1.What are the titles of the last three books you read all of?

Just Take My Heart - Mary Higgins Clark, The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards, and Strawberry Shortcake Murder - Joanna Fluke

2.What are the titles of between three and five magazines you subscribe to or used to subscribe to?

Used to subscribe to Reader's Digest and Family Circle. Would like to subscribe to People (I love that magazine!)

3.What’s on your night table?

Alarm clock, lamp, meds and BBT thermometer

4.What are the three best things that happened to you in the past seven days?

I got the grade on the first of 2 research papers back and made 98%, one of our cats had kittens and I made a break-through in the crisis of faith I've been having over the last 7 months.

5.What was your senior yearbook quote, and what would your yearbook quote be this year if there were such a thing?

I think it was something like "Enjoy life to the fullest!" and now it would be "If you want something out of life, do it now. Don't wait. Don't put it off for another day. Life is too short, so Love Big, Live Full and Pray Hard!"

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Show and Tell - Vol 3



About 3 years ago, The Hubs and I took a trip to Atlanta and went to the Georgia Aquarium. I remember the day well! We had such a great day! We both love sealife and had been to a couple of the larger aquariums in England, but neither of us had been to one in the States (nope, not even me! Had never been to one before going with The Hubs). So we choice the Georgia Aquarium.

I loved seeing all the fish, turtles and other creatures, but I remember being completely fascinated by the jellyfish. They were so beautiful! It just amazed me that something that was really just a blob could be so beautiful to me. I was fascinated to learn all about them. There was one photo I took that I thought was great. It shows their tentacles flowing out behind them.



There was one other photo I took that truly amazed me! I was surprised I could capture the moment like I hoped. One day, this photo will grace the walls of our home.



See what the rest of the class are up to here!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Confusing...

The Hubs' appointment today didn't go as planned. The pre-employment assessment he had to do was an ethical questionnaire. No problem, thought The Hubs. Now you should know, The Hubs is the most scrupulously ethical person I know in a professional capacity (he has had his moments personally, but I digress). So this questionnaire should have been a breeze.

However, it seems that a couple of The Hubs answers were flagged. When asked the question Have you ever been tempted to take anything from an employer? The Hubs answered yes because, he thought, who hasn't been tempted to take office supplies? He was asked what item he had been tempted to take from his employer. The Hubs answered that he couldn't think of a specific example, but he was sure he had been tempted but he never had. He also expressed that he thought this was a common occurence.

A second question Have you ever been tempted to cheat an employer in any way again earned a yes answer from The Hubs, as he figured most people had at some point in time visited a non-work related internet site. This time he was asked what he had cheated his employer out of, so he gave the aforementioned answer. We've all done this, haven't we? I know I have (in fact, I do it most days). Besides, the question was had you been tempted to cheat an employer.

The Hubs said the interviewer seemed okay with these answers, but did not send The Hubs for his drug screen. Instead, he said he would have a talk with the HR Manager (interviewer is the Operations Manager) and, if they decided to call him back, be in touch. No date to expect a call this time.

We feel that's probably it and another job opportunity is gone. Having said that, did The Hubs really want to work for a company that stressed over being tempted to do something no one would ever do? I, mean, even Jesus was tempted.

The wait continues. I will keep you posted.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Busy, Busy

Today was a blisteringly busy day at work! I didn't even have a second to look at any blogs! (One might add that I shouldn't be looking at blogs at work anyway, but that is beside the point :D) Tomorrow will be equally as busy as I am stuck in training. I really dislike training courses, but I guess it will be okay. It'll be over soon enough anyway.

Positive news from today: The Hubs got a call back from the company he interviewed with on Friday! They want him to go in tomorrow for a pre-employment assessment and, assuming that goes well, his drug test! They'll also check his visa to verify his eligibility to work in the US (he's been here almost 4 years and had 2 jobs, so this shouldn't be a problem). So, as long as the assessment goes well, he'll be back in work soon (praying, please please please!).

If that is the case, then there will be some changes happening soon, but I will go into more detail when/if it becomes necessary.

Beyond that, it's been a fairly quiet day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a big news day!

Btw, for those who are interested, our puppy still hasn't turned up. We have his siblings and mom still and we have our Isabel, but our Teddy puppy is gone. I fear we won't see him again :(

Also on CD66 with no O or AF. The long cycle continues.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Monday Again....Ugh

It's Monday morning again. I'm not a Monday kind of girl. I really don't like starting out a new week. I should feel like its the start of something positive, but I just usually feel like its the start of another long 5 days until I have a weekend again.

I'm also a major grouch on Monday mornings. For example, this morning, while coming into the building dragging my heels and running slightly late (as usual for a Monday), I was acosted by some co-workers who were laughing and joking. My immediate reaction? Thought in my head: You people are entirely too happy for a Monday morning. Get away from me. Portrayed to said co-workers: A gritted teeth, fake smile that actually seemed to be taken as me being happy to see them and hear their laughter this early on a Monday morning. I must be a better actress than I give myself credit for.

So here we are again at the beginning of another week. I really do hope its a good news week. After the year The Hubs and I have been having, we could really do with something positive occurring. This weekend was not a good one (why do I look so forward to the weekends when they seem to disappoint me more often than not?). It started out pleasantly enough. The Hubs had a good job-hunting day on Friday, then on Saturday we slept in since normally I'm up at 6am. However, things started to take a dive on Saturday evening. We went outside to play with our dogs (in addition to Isabel who is an inside dog, we have a collie mother and 3 half-collie, half-beagle puppies outside) only to find that my dog (a sweet, loveable, adorable runt puppy who is so smart and completely stole my heart) had disappeared. Without a trace. We searched everywhere for him, but we still have found no sign of him.

As if that wasn't enough to set anyone's teeth (and heart) on edge, on Sunday we overslept and missed church. Then my brother (who has moved back in next door with my mother after the breakup of his FOURTH marriage - do I need to say more?) decided to blow up at me and threaten to hit me. And, of course, my mother (as usual) sided against me, saying I had provoked him (by asking if he had seen a pair of socks I had left at my mom's house - WTH?). I have no idea when she's ever going to make him grow up and face responsibility for his actions. So far for his entire life she has been making excuses for him and his outbursts. He's 43 years old and when he gets upset with anyone, he explodes and threatens (and often follows through) with hitting them. Then in rides our mother to the rescue to get him out of his latest bit of trouble. It truly is sickening sometimes. But, I digress.

So after an unappealing weekend, I should be quite happy to see Monday. Alas, I am not. So, I guess I should get this day underway.

One good thing about today? Its the kick-off to International Comment Leaving Week! Go get involved and visit some blogs! Spread the love! This is my first month and I'm hoping to become an Iron Commentor by visiting every participating blog.

Have a great (well, as good as it can be) Monday!