Saturday, January 30, 2010

What Might Have Been

The little one made his way into the world on January 27 at 2pm. He was born addicted to two different drugs and is currently still in the hospital. C isn't keeping him, but she isn't letting us adopt him. She gave him to someone else.

When I got off work on Wednesday, I went over to Labor and Delivery to try to see them. I simply wanted to see the baby and be sure C was doing okay. No arguing, no berating, no crying or blaming. I just wanted to see how she and the baby were.

She refused to let me in.

She also had the L&D nurses put a ban on me being able to see the baby. At my own work place. It is absolutely ridiculous.

On Thursday while I was out and about in the hospital, C was up walking and passed me in the hall. She gave me the ugliest, coldest look anyone has ever given me, then turned her nose up and walked by me without speaking. She was with the woman she's allowing to adopt the baby and they went out to smoke. I was still making rounds and, when they came back in, they came by me and the adoptive mother said "there she is". Later in the day, I had to make my second rounds to gather the info I needed to do my job and, as I was coming from one section of the hospital, C and a guy I didn't know were walking towards me. C said "I wish she'd quit following me!"

Now, let's stop and consider this for a minute.

A. On Wednesday, what did she really think I was going to do? This is my place of work! If I wanted to start a scene, it wouldn't be there.

B. I wasn't interested in starting a scene. I only wanted to see the baby. I hoped that seeing him would bring some closure for me. I spent all of lunch on Wednesday crying and, after being snubbed when trying to check on them, I cried all the way home as well.

C. I have a job to do. I was not following her. I have to be out in the hospital. After the way she had acted to me earlier, I really hoped I wouldn't run into her at all. It was awful for me.

D. She approached us about the adoption, not the other way around. She pursued us and asked us to adopt the baby. We were happy to oblige, but we did not seek to convince her to give her baby to us.

E. She is the one who stopped contact with us, again not the other way around. She quit answering our calls, lied to us and even moved without giving us a forwarding address. All the while in possession of a mobile phone we bought and paid for. When it was obvious she was avoiding us, we stopped trying to contact her figuring if she wanted contact with us, she would make it.

So, my question is, after all this, why did she make out as if I had done something wrong to her? I had promised that whatever decision she made, I would support her. And I tried to do that. Now, though, I just feel as if it was thrown back in my face. I feel like she never wanted us to parent the baby. I feel she was simply using that child to get money out of us. Something we had the foresight to limit.

In addition to the betrayal and frustration I feel because of someone I considered a sister, I also feel like my heart has been ripped from my body. I didn't think it would affect me as badly as this. I thought, since it was only briefly even a tangible possibility of motherhood, it would not affect me as badly when the little one made his appearance.

I was wrong.

Knowing he's in the world and not being able to hold him and be there for him is killing me. He should be ours! The adoptive mother C picked out is related to her and has a past history of drug abuse. Why is this person being allowed to adopt this precious, innocent baby boy?

I know I'm being harsh. Presumably she is clean now, but she certainly wasn't just a few years ago. I just feel she will not be good for the little one. It hurts me to think he will have to grow up in that kind of uncertainty! I can only pray she has changed her life and that he will have a happy and healthy childhood.

Still, though, a part of me is lost. There is a part of me that, for the briefest of time, was his mother. In that moment, I felt him in my heart. I watched him cry and coo; I watched him grow into an inquisitive little boy; I kissed him as I sent him off on his first day of school, I watched The Hubs and I teach him to ride a bike and to kick a soccer ball; I heard him tell me about his first crush; I saw him battle through his first heartbreak; I watched him apply to college after college trying to pick the right one; I saw him walk down the aisle with the perfect woman for him. All these things happened but in that minimal amount of time it took for me to become his mother in my heart. And then they were snatched away. It's a part of me I'll never get back.

I know he's alive and that is a positive and precious thing. I pray his life will be a good one. And I pray someday I'll be able to have the things again with children who do belong with The Hubs and I. But for now, I feel empty. A little sliver of my heart cut away.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Bad Day....

One of the bad things about working in a hospital? You know when people you know are admitted to the hospital.

Like what should have been the birthmother of your child.

Which means you also have to be aware of when the child that should have been yours is expecting to make his appearance in the world.

Like today.

My heart is breaking all over again.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sad News and Celebration of a Life

We got some sad news on Saturday. The Hubs' Grandmother passed away Saturday morning.

It wasn't unexpected. She was 95 years old and had Alzheimer's. She'd been on a downward slide for several years, but it still a difficult thing for us. Apparently she had a fall at home (where she still lived by herself - she had carers who came by everyday and The Hubs' Mum drove down to visit several times a week) on Friday and was taken to the hospital. She was stable Friday night, but had a massive heart attack Saturday morning.

The Hubs and I were up getting ready to go out of town for the day when his Mum texted him to call her ASAP. I told him to be prepared because I felt like his Gran had probably passed away.

After he spoke to his Mum, we had to decide whether to continue with our out-of-town plans or to stay at home. The Hubs decided there was really nothing we could do at home and that he felt his Gran would want us to go ahead with our plans, so that's what we did.

We went to Valdosta, GA for the day where neither of us had been before. The Hubs commented repeatedly throughout the day how much Valdosta reminded him of Sheffield, England. Valdosta was an old mill town and, even though its much more of a built up city now with the university there, the city has still managed to preserve some of its history, so The Hubs was able to see the chimneys from the mill and the water tower. The cityscape was very much like that of Sheffield with its water towers and chimneys left over from its days of being a huge mining town.

At one point, we got mislaid (to use The Hubs words - we weren't lost, just mislaid) while trying to locate the renovated mill and, in the process of retracing our steps, I happened to notice something interested set on the main road, but back from the road, so had I not been looking right at it, I never would have seen it. It was the Queen Victoria British Pub! Since The Hubs had been reminiscing all day and we were both feeling a deep loss for his Gran, I pointed it out to him and suggested we have dinner there. He readily agreed, so several hours later, we made our way back to the place.

When we walked in, it was like stepping back into England! The pub had proper English beers (although we didn't partake - The Hubs was driving and I don't really drink beer)! There was proper English food! There was proper English tea! And - in a rare moment of authentic recreation - there were proper English flags (not the Union Jack British flag, but real English flags)!

It was an astonishing and welcomed experience.

We ordered a Sprite for me and a Dr. Pepper for The Hubs and we then toasted his Gran. She loved pub meals. We always took her out to eat at a pub when we went to visit her. The Hubs ordered bangers and mash with seasonal veggies for his meal. I had Steak Diane (NY strip steak sauteed in Worcestershire sauce, sherry, shallots and mushrooms), mash and seasonal veggies. We finished off our meal with cheesecake (white chocolate raspberry for The Hubs and Chocolate Turtle for me) and a pot of hot tea.

We met and had a conversation with the owner of the pub who is also the chef. He's a Londoner and the former Executive Chef to the White House during President Ronald Reagan's time in office.

It was a wonderful evening and a most fitting tribute to The Hubs' Gran.

When we got back in the car to travel home, they were playing a Beatles' song on the radio, followed by a Wings' song. That's when we really knew. Gran had led us there. She had given us a chance to grieve for her and to celebrate her. There's no way we would have found the pub had we not gotten lost. She led us to it. Then, she wanted to make sure we knew it was her, so she had the Beatles and Wings playing for us. She was that kind of woman. She knew finances would not allow us to go to England for her funeral, so she gave us a celebration of her own.

So right now, wherever you are, please do me a favor and raise a glass in toast to a woman who meant so much to her family and friends. She's the last of her generation of friends and family, having outlived her husband and son, her best friend and all her siblings.

To Mary!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

ICLW Time!

Welcome to all who've made their way here via IComLeavWe! I can't believe it's already that time again.

If it's your first time visiting me, I'll try to give you some idea of who I am:

I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a mommy to two canines.
I am a Christian.
I am a classic rock fan.
I am a scrapbooker.
I am a crocheter.
I am a cross-stitcher.
I am a blogger.
I am a good friend.
I am a Scorpio.
I am an American married to an Englishman.
I am a thirty-something.
I am a Republican.
I am an Italian-food loving individual.
I am a French language-learning individual.
I am a college student.
I am a full time employee.
I am an Infertile.
I am a sufferer of PCOS.
I am an active person.

That's all I can think to say about myself right now. If you'd like to know more, please do not hesitate to ask! And I hope you all have a fantastic ICLW!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Week in the Life

I finally gave in on Tuesday of last week after having been sick off and on since the beginning of November and went to see the doctor. I haven't been to a non-fertility related doctor in ages and the one I used to attend was no longer in practice, so I had to find a new doctor. I chose one who is affiliated with the hospital I work for and called and made an appointment.

After receiving the requisite lecture for not having been sooner (seeing as I have been sick for 2 months, lol), he proceeded to examine me. It turned out I have bronchitis. Yup - two months of doing nothing about a serious respiratory infection.

That's me, though.

He also stated he suspects I may have asthma as well. Lovely.

He prescribed an antibiotic (Amoxicilian), a nasal steroid (Flonase) and two Mucinex daily. I'm currently on day 7 of the antibiotics and I don't actually feel much better. I have a follow-up appointment with him on Friday. I'm a little worried about what he's going to say.

In addition to the bronchitis and suspected asthma, we had a conversation that went a little something like this:

Dr - (In response to my noting I take Metformin for insulin resistance) "So, have you tested your sugar today?"

Me - " I don't have a monitor. I'm only insulin resistant, not diabetic."

Dr - (Looking extremely puzzled) "Who told you that?"

Me - (Looking around shiftily as if I had done something wrong) "My OB/GYN when she did my infertility work up."

Dr - (Looking at me bewilderedly) "Honey, insulin resistance is Type II Diabetes."

Me - (Feeling stupid) "Oh."

So, it turns out that I probably have Type II Diabetes and will be getting a blood sugar meter this Friday on my follow-up visit. He's going to be re-testing me to confirm the diabetes for his records. He's also planning to test me for rheumatoid arthritis. I have a lot of problems with my joints swelling and being extremely painful, so he wants to check that out.

I foresee many blood draws in my future. And not a single chance for a baby from any of it. That really, truly sucks.


So, following all that bad news, here is my joy for today:

I got a raise at work! And not just a small's an extra $1.50 per hour! In a recession! I'm extremely pleased and darned proud, if I do say so myself :D

Hope you're all having a great week! I'm going to try to pick my blogging back up some. Its been so crazy busy with work and school so far this year that I've struggled finding time to blog. But, I'm going to try harder to keep my blog better informed :D

Monday, January 11, 2010

Four Years

Today is the four year anniversary of The Hubs and I returning to the USA from England. It really does not seem as though its been that long! I remember the day we flew back very clearly. We were both so full of hope for what our new life was going to bring our way.

Clearly we had no idea the path we had chosen would be so covered with obstacles! Four years on, we're actually farther away from acheiving our dreams than we previously were. Having said that, at least we now have a diagnosis and know why we're struggling to conceive. We're only one stroke of good luck/one blessing away from moving on to better things.

So, in keeping with my previous promise to look for the joyful things in my life, I'll instead focus on the positive.

  1. The Hubs managed to get 22 fresh applications out last week. In one week. I'm very proud of him!

  2. I kept a 4.0 for the whole of my first year at university! I'm very happy about this. I would really like to keep this up for the whole of my degree so I can graduate with honors. That would be awesome!

  3. I've started looking for a new job in a city with larger economic opportunity. It's where we always wanted to settle anyway, so we decided it couldn't hurt for me to start looking. If I get a job there, then we can move and The Hubs can continue looking from there. In the meantime, he'll continue looking in several places, including this city.

  4. My French lessons are coming along well. I'm actually picking up quite a bit!

  5. I'm really very excited about Kristin's book challenge! I love to read anyway, but I know this will give me encouragement when I'm feeling like being lazy with my reading. So, if you've got any suggestions about good books to read, please let me know! I love mysteries, thrillers, comedies, personal growth, sci-fi/fantasy, love stories, drama.....basically pretty much anything other than westerns. I really don't like westerns. They don't do anything for me, lol!

  6. I've decided to follow suit with some of my fellow bloggers and sign up for Sock It To Me Week hosted by Kym at I'm a Smart One. It sounds like a lot of fun, so go on over and get signed up for yourself!

  7. I'm feeling much more positive about things these days. Not sure why, but I really do feel like a solution is just around the corner. I hope I'm right!

That's about it in my world these days. Nothing too exciting to share. My body can't seem to make up its mind what to do about Oing this month. My temps have been very up and down, so I don't know if I'll even manage to O. Praying it happens and that we magically manage to catch the right moment this month.

Au revoir mes amis!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

It's a Book Challenge!

Kristin has now posted the rules for her 2010 Book Challenge. I love to read, so I've been waiting for this post and I'm all signed up now. My goal is 100 books for this year, but I kind of hope I can do better than that. If you'd like to follow my progress and see how I'm doing, I've made a list you can find right over there <--- below my About Me section.

I hope a few of you will also decide to take up the challenge! You can read the rules and sign up here. Good luck!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Show and Tell - Happy 2010!

We are now officially a week into the New Year and this is my first post. I've been a bit at a loss for words. I've not known what to say. It's a new year, but the same old worries persist. One day (or one week as the case may be) hasn't changed the things that make me sad, angry, frustrated and depressed.

I guess one could say that it does at least bring the possibility for new joy. So that is how I'm going to try to look at this new year. I'm going to attempt to look for the new joys that are awaiting me this year. In honor of that, I give you the first joy of my 2010:

The Hubs and I approximately two minutes after midnight on January 1, 2010. The champagne and the silly glasses only helped along our happiness at having made it through the year essentially unscathed and still very much in love with one another. A toast to a 2010 that will add enlightenment, prosperity and pure, unadulterated joy to each of us!

Now, head on over to Mel's and see what the rest of the class are up to!