Monday, September 6, 2010

A Dream of the Past

I had a dream last night. I was walking through the mall that was in the town where The Hubs and I lived in England, but none of the stores were open. There were no people in the shopping centre either. It was peaceful. I wasn't trying to get into any of the stores, I was just walking around the place. I could feel myself really missing being there.

When I woke up, I found myself thinking about the dream. I still felt that sense of loss that comes with missing something. I was missing England. The place we lived, the stores we shopped in, the home we lived in, the restaurants we ate in, the experiences we had.

But the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it isn't any of those things I really miss, but the life we had there. The freedom from everything that existed there, in that time. Let me explain...

When we lived in England, it's true that I missed my home terribly. It was the first time I had ever been away from home and, even though it lasted 3 1/2 years, it was still very difficult for me. I missed my family and wanted to be closer to them. I thought that the overt childish treatment I had been given by my family all my life would have disappeared. I felt they would have grasped the fact that I had grown up in my time away from them. Sadly, that is not the case. My mother still treats me as though I'm a teenager. She asks about our finances, where we go, what we do....and not in an interested parent way, but in a "you need to ask my permission" way. She tells me what she thinks we should and shouldn't spend our money on, where and when she thinks we should go and what she thinks we should do. And if we say we're going to do something she disagrees with, her response is often "I said you're not" as though she has a right to dictate our every move.

Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother, but I need space from her. The Hubs and I need the freedom to be adults in charge of our own lives. We are 34 (The Hubs) and almost-32 (me) -years-old, if we aren't capable of running our own lives by now, surely we are in a world of trouble!

But that is only part of what I miss of our life in England. I miss that we were financially secure in a way we've never been here. As I explained in my previous post, we're okay money-wise for the area we live in, but it's nothing like the income we had in England. There we were able to put several hundred GBP per month into savings. That's how we were able to move to the States. I can't help but look at the inevitable: had we stayed in England, at this point in time we would be in a house that belongs to us rather than one we're renting from my mother; we'd already be much farther along with our TTC journey than we are now; we'd almost certainly be happier than we are now with our lives.

In England, The Hubs had held his job for 7 years and he loved it! I had a job I really enjoyed working with a Financial Advisor. We were both happy in our careers and they were lucrative. I felt unhappy there because I missed home, but we were able to visit the States at least once every 6 months. Since moving here, we've been back to England only once. It will probably be next Christmas (2011) before we're able to go back again. I hate that I can't give The Hubs the same support he gave me when I was living away from home.

In fairness, I have to say that, had our plan for moving to the USA worked the way we intended it to, I probably wouldn't feel the way I do about life in it's current incarnation. However, we never intended to settle this close to my family (we live right next door) and we never intended to be doing the jobs we're doing now. Our grand plan was to settle in Savannah and find jobs we loved. Naively idealistic to a fault, it never occurred to us that this would be too tall an asking.

It's soul-destroying to dwell on what-could-have-been and I know that. I know I should leave it alone and be happy, or, at a minimum, accepting of, the life I have now. But I'm currently in a self-deprecating and self-pitying frame of mind, so I'll simply apologize once again for feeling sorry for myself and retreat to my own mind with these thoughts. Sorry for laying this all out for you to have to sift through as well.


Anonymous said...

Yes, it can be soul destroying dwelling on the past - but if you have lessons to learn from the past it can also be helpful. You sound like you need to move when you are able to. You should like you need to do something about your jobs situation - but I think you're both doing that by studying. You need to slap your mother - since she's so close, go do it now! :-) So as much as thinking of the past highlights what you don't like about your present, it also points you in the direction of your future. If you have direction, you can get there; if you don't you never will!

Ann said...

I have also found myself dwelling on my past as well. How different things seemed. However, I also realize that those experiences make us who we are today. As much as your mom drives you crazy, I bet you love her very much. Although things haven't turned out like you and the hubs had hoped, you still have each other. You have your hopes and dreams. May many more wonderful things happen for you!

Kristin said...

That what ifs can be heartbreaking. Living close to and in a house owned by family can be really tough to. Give me a call and I'll share tales of my MIL with you (long somewhat ugly tale).

Ms B. Thrift said...

I am sorry you feel this way sweetheart i do totally understand what you mean, sometimes we find ourselves trapped in the past even when we desperately want to move on. I wish you both a change in fortune and hope that you can find some way to carve out your goals and dreams better and feel independence again x

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