Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time, I'm gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready? I am. Cause it's all about control.
And I've got lots of it.
-Control by Janet Jackson
Anyone of you who've read my blog for any length of time will know by now that I am a control freak. Those of you who are new here (and I'm so pleased to welcome quite a few of you along for the ride! Buckle your seatbelts...it's often a bumpy journey!) will quickly learn that I'm one of those people who really needs to be able to control what is going on around me. I feel helpless when I can't and that is not a feeling I enjoy.
I'm not sure why I need to be in control so much. Maybe it's because, as a child, I had an uber-strict, controlled upbringing. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends; I didn't spend the night at a girlfriend's house until I was around 14; I wasn't even allowed to go to the movies without my older (11 years older) sister until I was 16. These things have lasting consequences - not that this is a post complaining about the strictness of that upbringing, only that it does (to a point) explain my extreme need to control the moments of my life.
However, Life doesn't always take your feelings into consideration. Take, for instance, the fact that we suffer from infertility. I have always known exactly how our marriage would go: we got married when I was 24, we were going to move back to the US by the time I was 28 and we would definitely be parents at least twice by the time I was 30. Yeah. Life took a great big breath and let out an enormous chuckle and told me "we'll just see about that"! We did marry when I was 24 and we did move back to the US when I was 27, but the parent thing still hasn't happened and I'm now 32 (and nearly a half...eek!).
Also, since moving back to the US, my best-laid plans have been going to the dogs! It was never our intention to settle back into my hometown (where we currently live) or even the town next door (where we both currently work), but Life saw differently. It was never my plan to live next door to my parents (yup, the strict ones who still try to control what The Hubs and I do), but that's where we wound up. And it was never my plan for the issues that we've faced personally (which I won't go into) to happen, but they did.
For someone who feels such an overwhelming desire to be in control as I do, this is sometimes almost more than I can bear. I get panicky about it sometimes and I can feel myself start to lose it - I get short of breath, I get angry and then I lose my temper and often wind up in one of the world's biggest temper tantrums! I'm not proud of it, but that's where being out of control of my life leads me.
I know it's difficult for The Hubs to deal with and I wish I knew a way not to need so much control. I'm actually pretty sure that, if things would go to plan more often, I wouldn't feel the intense need to be in control of every moment. But, that's really a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So, Control - my biggest need, the worst and best things about me and the one thing I can't seem to get as much of as I need.
What would you say is the thing you need most in your life? Is it, like me, control? Or is it your family, your pet, your car, your job, your home? Or something else entirely?