Monday, April 4, 2011

C is for Control

This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time, I'm gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready? I am. Cause it's all about control.
And I've got lots of it.


-Control by Janet Jackson


Anyone of you who've read my blog for any length of time will know by now that I am a control freak. Those of you who are new here (and I'm so pleased to welcome quite a few of you along for the ride! Buckle your seatbelts...it's often a bumpy journey!) will quickly learn that I'm one of those people who really needs to be able to control what is going on around me. I feel helpless when I can't and that is not a feeling I enjoy.

I'm not sure why I need to be in control so much. Maybe it's because, as a child, I had an uber-strict, controlled upbringing. I wasn't allowed to go out with friends; I didn't spend the night at a girlfriend's house until I was around 14; I wasn't even allowed to go to the movies without my older (11 years older) sister until I was 16. These things have lasting consequences - not that this is a post complaining about the strictness of that upbringing, only that it does (to a point) explain my extreme need to control the moments of my life.

However, Life doesn't always take your feelings into consideration. Take, for instance, the fact that we suffer from infertility. I have always known exactly how our marriage would go: we got married when I was 24, we were going to move back to the US by the time I was 28 and we would definitely be parents at least twice by the time I was 30. Yeah. Life took a great big breath and let out an enormous chuckle and told me "we'll just see about that"! We did marry when I was 24 and we did move back to the US when I was 27, but the parent thing still hasn't happened and I'm now 32 (and nearly a half...eek!).

Also, since moving back to the US, my best-laid plans have been going to the dogs! It was never our intention to settle back into my hometown (where we currently live) or even the town next door (where we both currently work), but Life saw differently. It was never my plan to live next door to my parents (yup, the strict ones who still try to control what The Hubs and I do), but that's where we wound up. And it was never my plan for the issues that we've faced personally (which I won't go into) to happen, but they did.

For someone who feels such an overwhelming desire to be in control as I do, this is sometimes almost more than I can bear. I get panicky about it sometimes and I can feel myself start to lose it - I get short of breath, I get angry and then I lose my temper and often wind up in one of the world's biggest temper tantrums! I'm not proud of it, but that's where being out of control of my life leads me.

I know it's difficult for The Hubs to deal with and I wish I knew a way not to need so much control. I'm actually pretty sure that, if things would go to plan more often, I wouldn't feel the intense need to be in control of every moment. But, that's really a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, Control - my biggest need, the worst and best things about me and the one thing I can't seem to get as much of as I need.

What would you say is the thing you need most in your life? Is it, like me, control? Or is it your family, your pet, your car, your job, your home? Or something else entirely?

11 comments:

Kakunaa said...

I don't know if it is the thing I need most, but I am also in need of control in my life. It does not spread to everything in my life, but I understand where you are coming from. And goodness knows, much like you, I have lost control of so much in my life, and it has sent me over the edge twice, just about 9 years apart. I would have to think about that question some more, tho...

Sylvia Ney said...

Now I'm gonna have that song in my head all day! ;-) Fellow "A to Z" participant here. I like the title of your blog - very cute! These are some good posts and I look forward to reading more from you.

NiaRaie said...

I'm not sure if control is the thing I need most, but I definitely like to have it. I feel out of sorts when I don't. I wasn't raised in a very strict home, but having control makes things go smoothly and I don't like a lot of detours.
Wait, I am a control freak. Full disclosure here.
But! Glad I'm not the only. :)

Kristin said...

Today it is sleep. LOL! Control is a big one, but I am working at letting go of that one.

Misha said...

I need freedom to be who I am without the constraints other people's expectations place on me.

Now there's another constant battle for you.

:-)

Sandra Ulbrich Almazan said...

Unfortunately, we can't control what happens to us; all we can control is our own reactions and actions.

I'm actually blogging about Freedom for F, so I think that's related to your need for control. You could say that freedom is control over oneself.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Ella said...

Hi Lynn,
I need a kick in the rear, my motivation is lacking these days. Maybe I can blame it on allergies. Have you tried the Zone eating plan; It has helped a lot of women. Insulin can sometimes mess you your system and throw it off, this helps get it back in control. I'm a Type 1 diabetic, so I know. Believe it or not, it can mess up fertility. I had a friend with PCOS and her diet helped make her chances better. Good Luck..and write about those parents. I have been there and done that. I lived with my MOM, while my husband was out to sea and my In-laws were 3mls away...talk about fun!

Sheila Siler said...

I can certainly understand the strict upbringing, mine was similar. However, control isn't my issue as much, mine is approval. Fortunately I have a wonderful husband who gives me lots of support and I feel his approval even if we don't always agree. Great post, looking forward to following your blog. A to Z rocks!

Gail M Baugniet said...

I believe we all need to be the first person in control of our lives. My parents gave me free rein to grow and allowing someone else to control me isn't in my genes.

Jeffrey Beesler said...

I think on some level most, if not all, writers are control freaks, which is why our characters get put in the precarious situations they find themselves in. It's almost like a form of therapy.

I definitely need writing in my life. There's no way around it. Without writing my good kind of insanity would melt into the bad type.

The Words Crafter said...

I learned a long time ago that control is an illusion and that the tighter you hold onto something, the more quickly it slips away. It's been difficult, but I've learned to roll with it.

I hope you can learn to, too :)

Very interesting post.

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