Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Regaining Faith

Faith is such a difficult thing to maintain when you're going through a crisis or a series of crises. I know this first-hand. I felt my faith slipping earlier this year and I did nothing to try to maintain it. I let it slip from my shoulders like an old sweater I no longer wanted to wear.

Infertility, marital stresses, spousal unemployment, changes at work and several other things led to my distress, but they were things I could have worked on. Things I could have taken responsibility for. Instead, I chose to blame God. I yelled, I ranted, I raved, I screamed, I cursed and, finally, I distrusted. I felt that the Lord should be helping. I felt like I'd been told my whole life that He would never put us through more than we could handle, He was with us always, He would carry us when we were walking through the storm. I felt like I was under more than I could handle. I felt utterly alone.

I continued to feel this way for almost 7 months. I almost completely stopped attending church. When I did go, I found fault with things said, things done. And things continued to get worse. Four cycles of Clomid failed, The Hubs continued to be unemployed, finances continued to be stressed, work got even more stressful. Yet I still failed to see this was my test.

A week ago, I had an epiphany.

I realized the problem wasn't God. The problem was me. Here I was saying I loved Him, I trusted Him, yet I blamed Him when things went wrong. I didn't stop to look at the things that had gone right in the same period of time. I didn't thank Him for The Hubs whom I had resolved some serious issues with and grown much closer to than we had been in years. I didn't thank Him for the mother I have who has been generously helping us when she could. I didn't thank Him for my being employed when so many others are not. I didn't thank Him for the roof over our head or the food in our bellies. I didn't thank Him for the love of our awesome furbabies sent to fill the void until we have our own children. I didn't thank Him for the peace I feel in small moments, untouched by reality. I didn't thank Him for still loving me even though I had given up on Him.

But things change and occassionally we're offered a beam of insight.

So here I sit today, The Hubs still unemployed, finances still stressed, still infertile, still in a stressful job situation, but with a better frame of mind, with a heart full of faith and trust. Because, no matter what life brings our way, I know we'll make it through to the other side. We may be nearly broken when we get there, but we will get there. He promised this.


Ms B. Thrift said...

big hugs sweetie, i am glad you have found your faith again, i know that comfort and hope that faith gives is important so for you I am pleased you have had your epiphany and can feel more at peace with things. The problem with faith is that it's about trusting, giving and being honest with ourselves, which in troubling times can be virtually impossible to do sometimes, yet when we can it brings us the peace and inner strength that we need right when we need it most. Thinking of you hun, and praying with you for a better brighter time ahead x

Ms B. Thrift said...

p,s loving the halloween spooky ghools vibe in here hehe

sonja said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. It means a lot that people in the IF community are so supportive during the good and bad times. Your post is very humbling because I am definitely still in the "angry at God" stage. I think this miserable IVF cycle pushed me to this point. I know in time I will heal and be able to see that it's me, not God, who is to blame here. But I just am not there yet. I am glad you have some peace through all of this. =)

AKD said...

That is a beautiful post, and is so true. It is so easy to forget that God gave us fertility treatment and IVF as even an option, you know?

A said...

Beautiful!! I'm so glad that you've found strength and comfort in Him again!

Justina said...

Beautiful post. I was nodding my head and agreeing with everything you wrote. I haven't had my epiphany yet...I'm hoping to soon. Because my faith has taken a real hit too, and I haven't yet found a way to get it back. Thank you for being so honest and posting this!

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