Friday, December 4, 2009

Allowed to Grieve?

Today The Hubs and I were eating our lunch, minding our own business, when a lady who attends church with us approached. We looked at one another because this had been one of the people who had not seemed excited for us when we told her about the adoption, so we were both expecting it to be a bad encounter.

When she reached us, she asked how we were doing and then launched into a litany of how awful the past week had been and all the tragedies that had befallen people she knew. I decided to go ahead and bite the bullet and tell her the adoption had fallen through. Her response? "Well, I figured that would probably happen. Very few adoptions actually go through and I knew that now was not the time for the two of you to be parents. The Lord knew you couldn't handle it."

I expected it to be bad, but that really was like shrapnel to my heart. While I sat in stunned silence she continued "By the way, I saw [enter person] this morning - you know him right? Well that's [enter her son's name]'s friend and he was telling me that he's going to be a daddy! Isn't that wonderful! I had to call [enter son's name] immediately and tell him the good news. I've called him with so much bad news this week I thought this would help him out to know." Did I mention the friend in question - and, indeed, her son - are both 6 years younger than me and 8 years younger than The Hubs? Why is he better prepared to be a parent than we are? After all, we've been married for 7 years and he isn't married to the mother (hasn't even been with her for very long), so what gives?

When I lacked enthusiasm in being happy for them, she proceeded to tell me I should not be upset about the adoption falling through. She again repeated the Lord knew we couldn't "handle" a baby right now and that our time would come in a few years. (I didn't realize she had a mystery phone line to God! If I had known that, I would have snuck over to her house to use it many years ago! But, sarcasm aside...) She could not understand why I was upset about the adoption falling through. It wasn't as though I had been pregnant or if the baby had even been born yet.

It was all make believe.

Which leads me to the question: am I allowed to grieve?

It is true that I was never pregnant, so its not as though I had a miscarriage. We had only known the adoption was even a possibility for a few weeks, so I hadn't had time to get so thoroughly invested that it was like my own pregnancy. I didn't even get to attend a doctor visit. I didn't even begin to suffer what others in this IF community have been through, but still.....

I was his mother!! He had so throroughly become my own in my mind that it was like losing him through a miscarriage. It was like having him in my arms and then him being snatched away. It would not have felt any less of a loss had he vacated my own body too early. He was MINE......and now he isn't.

Am I to not be afforded the time to mourn him? Does the fact that he will live, albeit with someone else, negate my right to grieve? On top of the inability to conceive myself and the continual sentiments expressed to me that this is not important, am I also to be stripped of my time to feel the pain of this latest loss all because he was not of my body?

It seems truly unfair.


A said...

Wow, this is unbelievable! Is this woman completely negative all the time?! You are 100% allowed to grieve. Actually, if I could recommend one of my favorite books, have you ever read "Hannah's Hope"? It is about seeking God's heart during infertility, miscarriage, and adoption loss. It helped me more than I ever imagined it would, and I hope it would soothe your aching heart, too!

AKD said...

That woman is so incredibly insensitive and just... ugh. I don't even have words for her. I would love to know exactly how she knows anything about your struggle or preparedness.

I'm sending you hugs and hugs and hugs. You have every right to grieve.

Baby Wanted said...

The cow needs to be knocked off her rocker! Where does she live, I will do it for you! You are allowed to grieve, in your heart, you were that child's mommy and you have ever right to mourn what could have been...just like a miscarriage. Don't let that old cow make you feel otherwise. She had no right to tell you God doesn't think you can handle a baby, that is such bullshit!


Jo said...

I hope you had some choice words for that horrible woman. What a catty b----! As for you, you ABSOLUTELY have the right to grieve. You've experienced a loss just as real as anyone else. You had an opportunity to become a parent, and it was taken from you through no fault of your own. You have every right to mourn what could have been.

Thinking of you,

carol said...

I don't know you but OF COURSE you can and should grieve. You've had a tremendous loss, loss of hope, dreams. I'm sure you had an entire life planned out. Your loss is real, your loss is very, very sad. It is no different than having a miscarriage. Some people are so rude. I am very sorry for your loss and hope that your dreams come true some day soon!

Parenthood For Me said...

Wow. I know it's hard but try not to even think about what that woman said. She is totally out of line. Of coarse you are allowed to grieve. You are experiencing a significant and legitimate loss. None of us know exactly how things are going to turn out in life, but there are many set backs. I am sorry for your upsetting situation.

Ms B. Thrift said...

My darling, i think after all you have been through so far on your journey for many years you are entirely 100% allowed to grieve, and secondly don't need anyone elses permission to allow it to happen. You are a string person, and have a strong faith but there are times like this when everyones resolve is tested, and you need time and space to handle it on your own, to recover and heal, and no busybody needs to comment. I'm sorry but her words and her attitude to you just comes across as near enough the most un-Christian thing I have ever heard, she's probably the same kind of person that would say the same thing to you even if you had had a miscarriage, because they are insensitive, naive idiots who see only themselves and not other people's pain. Feel sorry for her huny, and move on, she has no right to comment on your situation let alone your ability to be parents, utter rubbish!

Ms B. Thrift said...

thats supposed to be strong person, obviously, my anger brings typos lol

Kelli said...

Oh, my...what a mess. OF COURSE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE! I, for one, would be woried about you if you weren't attached to this baby and didn't hurt over it's loss...THAT is what will make you a wonderful parent when it's time. And regardless of what your church member said, you WILL be parents on GOD'S timetable, not hers or anyone elses. It angers me so much that she thinks that she has a right to interfere like that. I have encountered people like that in the past (who have definite opinions on our journey) and there is no good way to deal with them. I am so very sorry, my friend. You have enough to deal with right now without her craziness. I say put her out of your mind, spend time with your memories and thoughts and grieve however you need to. We're here for you and as always, you are in my prayers.

And like Baby Wanted said, I wish I lived closer...I'd come give that church lady a piece of my mind and take care of her for you! :)


lowfatlady said...

Do not listen to that women. Some people say crazy horrible things. I'm sorry that you had to hear that and I'm sorry it fell though.

Suzy said...

You absolutely have every right to grieve. You are grieving for the child you won't have and that in itself is a loss. I'm so sorry things fell apart. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.


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