I'm officially in my first 2WW post-Clomid, as our first cycle was annovulatory and the second one we thought we were going to be adopting, so we prevented. I'm 8DPO today and I keep finding myself obsessing about any possible symptom.
I don't want to be like this. I want to understand that it hasn't happened in 6 years and it probably won't happen this cycle. I want to understand, not because I have no faith, but because I don't want to suffer the pain that will come with either that BFN or AF's arrival. I want to get beyond the pain.
I envy those who've found the numbness, I honestly do. I would give anything to feel numb and not know the pain that awaits when it all falls through. Or to be back in those early days when it was exciting and it seemed a real possibility.
Now, though, I can't escape the hope, even though with every passing minute I'm more and more aware of how slim the possibility of a BFP is.
The Hubs wants us to wait until Christmas Day to test. By that time I'll be 18DPO and if AF hasn't arrived then, I guess that would mean we were the p-word. I don't think we'll make it there. I want to test early - I always want to know. I want to wait - Its what The Hubs wants and I want to give him that. I want Christmas to be beautiful and a BFP would do that - I just don't trust it to happen.
I feel very confused and emotional, which probably means I'm PMSing. Wonderful.