Tuesday, December 15, 2009

In the 2WW

I'm officially in my first 2WW post-Clomid, as our first cycle was annovulatory and the second one we thought we were going to be adopting, so we prevented. I'm 8DPO today and I keep finding myself obsessing about any possible symptom.

I don't want to be like this. I want to understand that it hasn't happened in 6 years and it probably won't happen this cycle. I want to understand, not because I have no faith, but because I don't want to suffer the pain that will come with either that BFN or AF's arrival. I want to get beyond the pain.

I envy those who've found the numbness, I honestly do. I would give anything to feel numb and not know the pain that awaits when it all falls through. Or to be back in those early days when it was exciting and it seemed a real possibility.

Now, though, I can't escape the hope, even though with every passing minute I'm more and more aware of how slim the possibility of a BFP is.

The Hubs wants us to wait until Christmas Day to test. By that time I'll be 18DPO and if AF hasn't arrived then, I guess that would mean we were the p-word. I don't think we'll make it there. I want to test early - I always want to know. I want to wait - Its what The Hubs wants and I want to give him that. I want Christmas to be beautiful and a BFP would do that - I just don't trust it to happen.

I feel very confused and emotional, which probably means I'm PMSing. Wonderful.

10 comments:

Jenn said...

I'm in the 2ww now, and we talked about possibly testing this Friday, on our fifth anniversary. I really thought it would be cool (if it was positive), but couldn't think of a better way to ruin that special day. I think we'll do it tomorrow....

Ms B. Thrift said...

I have fingers, toes and eyes crossed for huny! I know it's a bit easy for me to say but i do appreciate some of how you are feeling, the wishing and hoping only for evil AF to show up or that BFN to pop up. You share it all so honestly and openly, and i know you know there is no real cure, i guess all i can say to you is feel what you need to feel, whilst numbness is a coping strategy it can also mean months of your life can float by without you really being in there living it and being a part of it, whilst it's incredibly painful at least you are in there and consciously taking it all in, living it all you can and making those hours all count, it's important not to lose your zest for life and your excitement, even if it brings its disapointments, your faith is there to keep you going, and your friends & family x

benedicteggs said...

Hi Lynn,

2ww is pretty hard, yeah... you know I'm there right now, too! I hope you get the bfp you really want. Crossing everything I possibly can for you. -Tally

lowfatlady said...

Not obsessing is so hard. The only way I have found is to keep busy so that your mind isn't thinking about it. I wish you luck.

Suzy said...

It's so hard to not obsess! Hoping for two lovely lines for you!

Life Happens said...

I hope the 2WW goes by super fast for you and results in great news! Praying for you!

Baby Wanted said...

Hang in there love, I know how hard the 2ww can be and all the different emotions are so overwhelming! I'm sending you tons of good thoughts, prayers and hope!

AKD said...

I've got fingers and toes and legs crossed for you!

I would definitely recommend waiting until 18 dpo, if you can. I've always had really good luck testing at that point.

Noelle said...

Everything crossed for you! I am in the middle of the tww as well, and I just hate it.

Lavender Luz said...

I had such a mixed relationship with Hope. She can be so fickle.

I'm abiding with you, Lynn

Post a Comment

Please be sure to let me know you dropped by! I love comments and I'll definitely try to get back around to visit you :D