I have a slight moral dilemma. The outcome is really rather irrelevant except in the matter of how I view myself, but I'd like to put it out there for your thoughts, if you all don't mind.
See, there is another couple that The Hubs and I have been friends with for a while. In fact, the HE of this couple (let's call him T so as to cause no confusion) and I go way back to when we were both members of the same youth group at the church The Hubs and I (as well as this couple) stopped attending in January 2010. We first met about 14 years ago. While I was in England with The Hubs, T met M and they dated for a long while. In February 2009, The Hubs and I attended their wedding.
We have considered them to be very good friends. We've been on double dates with them to the movies, we've been out to meals with them, we've even planned phantom when-we-win-the-lottery-we-don't-play vacations with them. While I wouldn't call them our best friends (neither The Hubs nor I tend to develop best friendships - The Hubs because he's more of a loner and me because....well, I'm not sure why, but it hasn't happened since I left high school despite my efforts), they were probably the closest thing to it. Which is why their lack of support during this whole IF nightmare has been really disappointing.
The whole time we've been trying, they've often given us the lame-ass "when it's right, it'll happen", "God knows what he's doing....just be patient and accept his timing", "maybe the Lord has other plans for you" advice. You know....the kind that isn't really helpful. And, in their case, I was willing to forgive them. After all, they haven't suffered through it personally and, as we all know, until you go through it yourself, it doesn't seem to be a real problem.
The problem came when The Hubs and I were going through the adoption-that-never-was fiasco. We were so excited when we thought we were going to be bringing The Pengu home! Being such good friends, they were some of the first people we shared the news with. We thought they'd be so excited for us or at least be praying/hoping for it to work out for us. That's why I was so confused and hurt at their lackluster response. Their "oh, that's nice" reaction seemed too reminiscent of a casual acquaintance and not that of trusted friends. When I later learned from a mutual friend that they had been saying behind our backs that they did not feel adoption was "natural", that if we couldn't have children on our own then "it wasn't God's plan" for us to be parents and they didn't think the Lord "wanted people to adopt", I felt real anger in addition to my hurt. My question was, what did they really want to happen to the children who were born to parents who wanted to give them up???
Needless to say, The Hubs and I quickly cooled our friendship with them following that. And later when the adoption fell through and their response was "it was probably for the best. Now you can get back to trying to have REAL babies", I cut off nearly all personal contact with them.
Flash forward several months. T's mother works in the same hospital I do. In November (I think), she approached me to tell me the happy news! T and M were expecting a baby! Of course, they hadn't been trying so it was incredibly unexpected, but the family had been "Waiting So Long" (I'll pause here to remind you The Hubs and I have been trying for 7 1/2 years and T and M have only been married for 2 years) for the pair to have a baby that they were really excited!
Okay. I'll throw my hands up and be the first to admit I felt hurt, defeated and pissed off! But, I kept on my false happy face for her and exclaimed how brilliant that was and how excited I was for them. Then I moved on and went back to my office. Later that day, one of the girls that works in her department and is friendly with me told me what she had had to say when I left. She had said that I really should be more happy for T and M because they had this wonderful news and that it wasn't their fault that God saw that The Hubs and I weren't fit to be parents right now. She went on to state that we were unsettled and not in a stable situation. We didn't have steady jobs (I've been at my job for almost 3 years and The Hubs has been at his for nearly a year - yes, The Hubs did get laid off and was out of work for a while prior to his current job, but many other people have also been in similar situations and I don't see this level of abuse being hurled in their direction) and we didn't have a home (we don't own our home, but we do rent it from my mother - we certainly aren't living in the streets!). She stated that "until we were settled and stable like T and M, the Lord wouldn't choose to put a child in our custody" and that she had "real doubts" that we would ever have a child due to this fact.
I would like to ask for a round of applause and a huge pat on the back that I didn't hunt her down and beat the living crap out of her. But I fancied keeping my job for a while longer and I knew that anyone she said this to would hear it as it really was - utter horse manure!
Things were left there for a while. I haven't seen T since all this happened and when I see M, I usually turn in the opposite direction before she has a chance to get close to me and I pretend I didn't see her. I don't answer their calls (those stopped shortly after the incident with T's mom) and, although they are both still on my Facebook, we don't comment on each other's statuses, photos or comments.
Last week, The Hubs told me some news he had heard. The company that T works for is going out of business. They will be open until the end of March, then T will be out of a job. Today my mom gave me some more news. She and M work at the same place (in fact, my mom is one of her bosses - that's what happens when you live in a small town, everyone is connected) and she gave me the news. M was fired from her job two days ago due to violating a company policy.
Now, my first reaction (who the hell am I kidding, my ongoing reaction) is to feel slightly vindicated and to suggest to the lot of them to not cast stones when you live in a glass house. I want to say to T's mom "who's the unstable, unsettled couple now?" But, deep down, I also feel really concerned for them. Yes, they've said and done some stupid things that hurt my feelings and ruined our friendship, but they have a child on the way. There are virtually no jobs in the area in which we live. How are they going to survive? What about the house they purchased 2 1/2 years ago? Who will pay the rent?
I feel concern and pain for them, but I also feel like a wrong has somehow been righted. I feel real guilt at feeling the small sense of glee that I have in my heart at knowing they might be realizing how their blind judgement made The Hubs and I feel, but at the same time, that glee is still present.
Am I a horrible person? Should I reach out to them now, or just let the past be the past? I'm not sure I can ever forgive them for the comments that have been made and we'll certainly never be as close as we were, but should I even bother? Or should I simply be praying/hoping for the best for them and let sleeping dogs lie? I trust all of your judgement and I could really use your advice. I think it would be helpful to have some intelligent, outside-the-situation input. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say!