Monday, September 14, 2009

Bitterness and Jealousy

I feel really bitter today.

Lately, it seems every way I turn, someone else is pregnant. And I really am happy for them. I really wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but I can’t help but think why can’t that be me? I feel awful for the jealousy that engulfs me, but, short of locking myself in a room somewhere and never coming out, I don’t know how to not feel the evil green monster every time I see a baby belly or a small person.

The truly awful thing about it is that I even feel jealous of ladies who have suffered a pregnancy loss. I know that sounds horrible of me and I really, truly feel for them and wish it had not happened to them. But in the same breath I think how in six years I haven’t ever had a BFP. I’ve never seen two pink lines. I’ve never felt a flutter in my tummy that was my child moving. I’ve never felt the excitement that comes with knowing there is a life inside of you. I’ve never been able to dream of the potential held in that one little moment when it seems life is finally coming full circle. I’ve never been able to give my husband the gift of telling him he is a father. So many things I’ve never been able to do and then there is the worry. Will I ever be pregnant? Am I even able to get pregnant? What if it never happens for us? What if, for some unknown reason, we’re unable to adopt a child? Are we forever destined to be without children?

I know that by having never suffered a loss, we’ve been spared the heartbreak of having our dream within our reach and then having it snatched away. I know I don’t actually want to suffer a loss and I really do feel tremendously awful for feeling this jealousy. And I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who has suffered a loss. I honestly am not intending to make light of what you’ve suffered. I truly do ache that you’ve had to endure it. No one should have to go through something like that.

I just wonder. What if? What if I never have the opportunity to be a mom? Is that where I’m headed?


Anonymous said...

*hugs* I have jealousy issues when I see pregnant women as well. I hope that both of us do get to experience everything you mentioned.

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