10 on Tuesday

It's that time of the week again! Oh, yes, it's time for 10 on Tuesday! Join in the fun!

1. I enjoyed this past weekend. It was nice to get an extra day off. The only problem was it made going back to work today waaaaayyyy harder than it would have otherwise been. Oh, well....


2. Have I mentioned lately that right at the moment I truly hate my job? Yeah...


3. For the time being, the big purchase I talked about in last week's 10 on Tuesday has been put on hold for financial reasons.


4. The Hubs and I got our eyes checked yesterday and got our new glasses ordered. The Hubs chose his normal wire-frame glasses, but I went with something a bit more geek chic, as I like to call it. I left my last pair of glasses in England five years ago, so have been without them. Time to make a change on the look of them now and, thanks to the wonderful Oleg Cossini, I will be doing just that.
   
   
   These are the frames I chose. Hopefully, they'll be ready soon!



5. The big night out we had planned for this coming weekend is now off due to our friend (who had planned the trip) backing out. Again. For, like, the third time in a row that we planned to do something. I really shouldn't be surprised but....


6. I have a new favourite quote. It's from Colin Powell. "Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them." Very fitting, I think.


7. I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow. I'm trying a new style.
   
   
   What do you think?



8. I really, really have to get my butt in gear and get back to work on my crochet projects. I've got several I'm working on for Christmas gifts and, if I don't get back on them, they won't be done in time for Christmas! Must. Get. Moving!


9. I'm ready for the heat of the year to be gone. I know, I know. It only just started. Well I am tired of walking in 100+ degree South Georgia heat with the flies, gnats and humidity. It's killing me! I walk in the afternoons while The Hubs finishes work (between 3:30 pm and 5:00 pm) and, before I can even finish the first of my 3 miles, my clothes are sticking to me. It's crazy! I much prefer winter.


10. If you haven't seen The Hangover 2 yet, what the granola crumbs are you waiting on?!?! It's a fantastic movie! Really very funny. But, be forewarned, there is much bac language and some seriously risque jokes. But we enjoyed it and, I mean, who wouldn't enjoy two full hours of drooling over Bradley Cooper? Not any female with eyes!
    
    
    
    Oh my Lord! The man is pretty!

That's it for now! Hope you enjoyed your dive into the mind of a Wistfulgirl =D

Right vs Want

This has been a weekend for movie watching for The Hubs and I. We've gone to the drive-in two nights in a row. On Friday night we saw Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides and Thor (yes, it is a "late night, double-feature picturehow" drive-in, lol) and tonight (Saturday) we saw The Hangover 2 and Something Borrowed. All the movies were very good, but one of them struck a question in me that I've been unable to get out of my head. I wanted to discuss it here.

****SPOILER ALERT**** - If you have not seen Something Borrowed and do not want to know anything about it, you may want to skip this post.


Final Warning.



Okay, now that that's out of the way, for those who know nothing about Something Borrowed, it is a film based on the book of the same name by Emily Giffin. I read the book last year (as part Kristin's book challenge) so was familiar with the story. Basically, it goes like this: Rachel and Darcy are best friends. Darcy is rather self-involved and the center of everyone's attention (including her own). Rachel is shy and normally content to play second-fiddle to Darcy. As adults, Rachel makes a great friend in law school named Dex who she has feelings for but is too shy to say. Darcy meets Dex and decides she wants him for herself. Fast forward about 6 years. Darcy and Dex are engaged to be married. One night, at Rachel's 30th birthday party (which Darcy planned but spent the evening stealing the limelight), Darcy heads home early and Rachel and Dex drunkenly end up spending the night together. They are both horrified, but discover that they both have feelings for one another. They keep this info under wraps, though, and carry on a clandestine affair. In the meantime, Darcy starts up her own affair with Dex's best friend, Marcus. Over time, they all have to choose where they want to end up and whether they should choose to follow the path of what is right or the path of what they want.

This brings me to the question floating around my head: What is the better path - that which is right or that which leads to what we want?

It's easy to say that the path that leads to what we want is the right one, but that's not always the case. Often the path that is morally right doesn't lead to what we want in life. In those cases, it's necessary to weigh the facts and determine if what we want is more important than following the morally right path. What factors truly decide the answer?

I think we first have to look at whether what we want will lead to pain for others, physically or mentally. This is often the very thing that denotes if something is morally wrong. Next we have to factor what damage the thing we want may cause to those we love with how much we want it and determine if it is worth the cost.

Sometimes we find what we want just isn't worth the cost. Sometimes we find it is.

There is something I'm struggling with in my life right now. Without going into too much detail, there is something I want very, very badly. I know that it is not right for me to want this thing. Getting it is not the "right" path to take. Sometimes it is so far away that, even if I felt the cost were worth it, I probably wouldn't be able to reach it anyway. Other times, it's right there within my grasp. So far, I've felt the cost of it is too much. But my thoughts on it change daily.

When is what I want worth more than following the morally right path? Have you ever really wanted something but knew it wasn't right? What choice did you eventually make?

Friday Weigh-In

I had my weigh-in this morning. I will have to take measurements this evening. It will be my first time measuring, so I won't really be able to give you an update as to whether I'm actually any smaller than I was before, but it will be a start anyway.

As for my weight, I am down 1.2 lbs from last week. Which makes me exactly the same weight I was the week before (two weeks ago). I'm looking at this positively. I hope that means that I've now converted a lot of my fat weight to muscle and am now on the path to actually losing weight. I know it's probably too quick for that and I'm actually just experiencing the fluctuation of weight, but I'm trying to look at it positively.

Considering I blew my calories yesterday, I'm not too disappointed with my weight today. Next week I'll be trying to eat less calories daily anyway because we're going out next Friday night and, since I know we aren't pregnant, I plan to be drinking. Since alcohol holds MASSIVE amounts of calories, I want to save as many calories for that as I can so I don't go enormously over my allowed calorie intake. Anyone know how many calories are in a pina colada? Those are my weakness!

I saw my regular GP on Tuesday for refills on my Adipex. I was discussing with her how angry I've been feeling lately. It's been really bad with very small things setting me off with absolutely no prior notice. I can be in a perfectly okay mood and then suddenly - like a light switch being turned on - I'm explosive. She suggested it may be a side-effect of Adipex. Due to that and the fact my blood pressure was very high (158/102 - yeah, I know), she changed the medication she has me on. I'm now on Bontril.

So, can I tell a difference in my temper yet, you ask? Well, I'm feeling more angry today than I've felt in a long time. This may be Adipex still in my system or it may be Bontril or it may just be my regular hormones or the last few years piled on top of one another or me just having a bad day. Whatever it is, I am not a happy camper today. I will monitor how my temper is over the next few weeks and we'll go from there.

I have noticed that blogging makes me calmer, so I guess I need to do more of that. I just don't really know what to blog about most days. Since we're not able to really TTC at the moment and weight loss doesn't really have daily news and my life is pretty boring, I seem to be at a loss for things to blog about. I guess I'll have to give it some more thought.

At least today has been a bit of a check in! I still have to get my thoughts together on my RE and his thoughts on my weight. I'll try to work on that over the next day or so.

Btw, have I mentioned how really, truly frustrating I find it that my internet at work will no longer let me open most of your blogs?!?! This is where I did most of my blog visits because The Hubs and I share our home computer and he loves his Internet as much as I do mine. It makes it difficult to get to visit you and I miss you! I guess work decided I really needed to be working when I was here, huh? That seems awfully industrious of them to me, lol!

Ta-ta for now folks!

10 on Tuesday

I've decided to follow Junebug's example this week and participate in the 10 on Tuesday.

1. I had my weekly weigh-in this past Friday. I had gained 1.2 lbs back. Disappointing, yes, but I'm going with the belief that it's simply fat converting to muscle and muscle weighs more. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!



2. I am increasing my walking from 2 miles per day to 3 miles per day, however, in response to the disappointing weigh-in. I'm also trying to eat more vegetables this week. Hopefully, this will make something of a difference.



3. I've seen a recent increase in my reading, which is a good thing considering I've been very slack so far this year. It seems that on weekends when I have nothing planned, I can get a solid two books completed in as many days. I'm pleased with this and hope to keep it up. The next two weekends are full, but I'll still keep striving to read, read, read!



4. Tonight was the season finale of Glee. Parts of it were just kin of blah but other bits were really, really good! I'm a huge Finn/Rachel fan. That's all I'll say. Not sure what I'm going to do over the next few months without it while waiting for fall!



5. I've been reading some in blogworld today and seeing some of the truly interested anecdotes some blog authors have presented of their day-to-day life and I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty boring. Nothing interesting really happens in my everyday life. I get up, I go to work, I get seriously stressed out, I get off work, I go walking, I come home, I have dinner, I play online and watch Glee, I go to bed, then I get up and start it all again. I need to do something to make some excitement in my life. What to do, what to do?



6. Does anyone else ever feel like an interloper in their own life? Seriously? Here lately, I've felt like I'm intruding in my own life. I feel like other people look around and, while they're looking for Lynn, it's not me. They're looking for their own version of me and, sadly, I can't be that for them. So then I feel like I'm disappointing everyone and am interfering where I'm not wanted. And that leaves me with nobody. Just feeling very alone lately.



7. I've had my meds (Adipex) changed today. Went in to see my doctor for a refill and was explaining to her how I've been losing my temper very easily and frequently lately and also how I've been feeling very stressed and anxious. She explained that Adipex can have this side-effect. Then, when we checked my blood pressure, it was 158/102! She said she wanted to try a different weight loss medication and hopefully this will help. So I'll try to keep you posted how that works out.



8. I found out recently that Cirque du Soleil's Dralion is going to be showing in Atlanta in late August. I really think The Hubs and I may go. Our friend, J, might also go with us. The three of us saw KA while in Las Vegas and really enjoyed it, so that may be something to look forward to.



9. I'm looking at making a big purchase soon. I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say a lot more on the subject, but when/if it comes through, I'll definitely post pictures and let you see what I've had up my sleeve. I'm pretty excited about it, because I've been borrowing someone else's for so long. It will be wonderful to have one of my own again. Now I'll shush on that subject!



10. I have to get back in the groove of crocheting. I started on a gift for my mother-in-law before we went to Las Vegas but haven't picked it back up since we got back. I've been really out of sorts lately, but if I don't get myself in gear, there is no way it will be ready by Christmas!. I seem to need all sorts of motivation these days to keep myself moving in the right directions.

Okay, that's it from me for now! To all those visiting from ICLW, welcome! I've enjoyed having you and I will be paying you a return visit very soon! I know there have been a few questions about why my RE is so adamant about the weight loss. Some of his reasons I agree with, others not so much. I will try to compose a post going into more detail on those sometime in the next day or so!

Goals

I'll go ahead and apologize profusely if this post seems a little self-pitying and whiny. That is not my plan, but I'm not having a good day and yesterday was pretty darn bad too. I blew my calories yesterday. I went over by 93 calories. Not a huge amount but I had been under my maximum calorie intake for a week now. Then I had to go and have macoroni and cheese for dinner last night. Serious calories. Then The Hubs and I wound up in an argument which has carried over into today. A stupid argument as well. But I don't really want to get into that. It will blow over, I'm just feeling down right now. (UPDATE: As I was typing this, The Hubs just came by my workplace before going to his. He just wanted to give me a hug. I feel some better. It'll all be okay, just one of those things.)

On the plus side, I did walk an extra mile yesterday. So I did 3 miles rather than my normal 2 and I did them in 45 minutes, which is at a rate of 4 mph. That means that I burned 459 calories during that time. Depending on how hot it is today when I undertake my walk and how much time I have - I usually walk between the time I get off work (3:30 pm) and the time The Hubs gets off (5 pm) but his week I've not gotten off before 4:30 - I may try to walk 4 miles today. We'll see how things work out.

I have decided on a slightly longer term weight loss goal than those I stated in my last post. It's still not completely down to my goal weight, but it is a goal I'd like to reach. My birthday is 26 weeks 5 days from today on November 22. I will be 33 years old then. Since this year on 11/22 I will turn 33 (cute, I thought), I'd like to make the goal of being down to 200 lbs by that time. That means losing 70 pounds in 26 weeks. This is a goal of approximately 3 lbs lost per week. It is a long period of time to sustain that weight loss, but I think I'm up to it. It would be wonderful to be back down to that sort of weight. It will make the 170 I'm aiming for seem much more doable!

I think I'm up to it. I'm certainly going to give it the good ole' Lynn try :D I think it helps me to set real, tangible goals like that for myself. If I have something I'm working towards and a reason for working towards it, it makes what I'm trying to achieve that much more real and important to me.

Now, should I be pregnant by that time, I won't actually hold myself to the goal of being 200 lbs by 11/22 :D That would actually be a much better birthday present! But, in the assumption I have to make based on 7 1/2 years of it not happening that it won't happen, I plan on celebrating my 33rd birthday with a new me of being 200 lbs or less! Now to start planning my birthday party. Anyone up for Savannah in November?

We're Finally Getting Somewhere....Maybe

As I said in my last post, I had an appointment with my RE last Thursday. I was truly not looking forward to the appointment (in case you missed that from my last post, lol), but I went anyway. The Hubs accompanied me.

The first thing was the weigh-in and blood pressure check. My weight was down 2lbs from the last time I had seen Dr. O. Not a huge loss, but a loss nonetheless. I was not excited about the blood pressure check but, to my surprise, that came out good as well! My bp usually runs high at Dr. O's office (usually because I'm frustrated with him) but it was only 120/74 on Thursday. They were extremely pleased with that.

Next, Dr. O did an u/s to check my endometrium and ovaries. Endometrial lining looked good at 4mm. Ovaries both had a few follicles, one on the left at 17mm and one on the right at 13mm and looking a little complicated so we'll be monitoring that one with 6 month ultrasounds. Had my annual breast exam and that was all fine.

We then moved into Dr. O's office to discuss my progress. We talked about how my glucose levels were down considerably (into normal ranges - yay!) and my Hemoglobin A1C level was down to 6.1 (normal, non-diabetic levels are anything under 6.0 so mine are virtually normal, albeit controlled by medication). My blood pressure is showing normal, so he was happy with that. He did mention bariatric surgery again, but I told him I just wasn't comfortable with it and he dropped the subject. I explained to him my new weight loss routine - I'm currently on a 1480 calorie per day diet and am walking a minimum of 2 miles daily. He seemed extremely pleased with this and he finally gave me an amount of weight I needed to lose!! As a minimum, I need to lose 10% of my weight. My weight in his office was 274 lbs, so 27 lbs. He rounded that up to 30 lbs. So, when I lose 30 lbs, we'll start talking fertility treatment options again! Yay! I can do that! Ideally, he would like me to be down around 210 to 220 lbs, but he would be willing to start working on treatment with me when I get down to around 244 lbs.

You may remember I was doing Weight Watchers and going to the gym. I'm no longer doing either of those. But wait! Don't get angry at me! I have a new routine and I'll explain that in a minute. Let me first explain why I stopped the old routine (I also explained this to Dr. O). First of all, everytime I went to the gym, my back would spasm within the next day or so. I just couldn't handle the pain and the missing work, so I opted instead to start walking 2 miles or more daily. So far this is working out great for me! No back spasms and definite loss of inches if not pounds so much yet. Secondly, with Weight Watchers I was paying $17.95 monthly and not using the online food monitoring all that much. I was following the points, just not inputting it so much. During my internet strolls last week, I came across a site that works very similarly to Weight Watchers, only it monitors calorie intake rather than points. It also works like Facebook, so you have friends on the site and you can cheer one another on. I love it! It's called My Fitness Pal. So far, it is wonderful! If you're trying to lose weight and decide to sign up or are already a member, look me up and add me as a friend! I'm wistfulgirl (naturally :D).

My weight loss goal for starting treatment again is 244 lbs, my goal for making Dr. O happy is 210 lbs and my overall personal goal (long-term) for my weight is 170 lbs. Right now I have set myself a mini-goal of having lost 15 lbs by my next visit with Dr. O on July 14. That would mean I have to be down to 259 lbs by then. I'll stop here and say that my home scales (which I'm using to weigh once a week) register 3 lbs less than Dr. O's scales, but this shouldn't be a problem because my aim is to lose 15 lbs by July 14th and then another 15 lbs by my next visit with him. I'm not really registering by the actual weight so much as by the amount of pounds lost, if that makes any sense.

So, lots to work on for me! I'm going to need your help and support! I don't stay motivated very easily, so I'm depending on you all to help me stay motivated. If I seem to be flagging, please, please give me some words of encouragement and remind me what I'm fighting for! You guys are my cheering squad and I'm really going to need you over the next few months! Let me just tell you...a 1480 calorie per day diet is tough to stick to, lol!

To The Doctor We Go

I have a visit scheduled with Dr. O tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it because I know it will just be more of the same. He won't be happy with the amount of weight I've lost (which, to be honest, isn't much....despite Adipex and walking 2 miles every day) and will push for gastric bypass, which I'm not going to do. I'm just not. I've thought about it, I've considered it, I've talked to several people who've had it done and they've all said "Uh-uh. Don't do it. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't do it."

I don't even think I want to undergo lap-band surgery. Although I've gotten more positive feedback on that procedure, the end-all and be-all of it is I don't do well with surgery, my insurance won't cover it and neither The Hubs nor I want me to have it done. So, I think I'm going in tomorrow with an ultimatum for my RE: either you work with me on helping me get pregnant the way I am (I will continue with Adipex, trying to eat right and walking daily) or I find another RE.

The Hubs and I are still discussing adoption (again) and trying to work out the kinks of life so that we can get started with this. I know this will be a pathway for us at some point of our journey, I just don't know if that's now or in the future. We're still wanting to explore our TTC options and go from there.

Right now I just feel extremely frustrated and sick when thinking about the RE. I get so upset and he gets upset with me when I go in to see him because my blood pressure usually registers high in his office. He then argues with me that I need to see my regular GP to get put on medication for my blood pressure, but when I see my GP, my blood pressure is normal! They won't put me on medication because it's not high! I'm convinced that the reason my blood pressure is high in his office is because I get angry thinking about him and the visit. Really not a good situation.

I'm sorry, I'm venting today. It does feel good to get it off my chest. I want to change RE's but I'm hesitant to do so. I don't really know why either. I'm just not sure what to do. However, if he doesn't give me some better information tomorrow, I'm going to definitely be looking into changing RE's.

Post-Mother's Day Anxiety

I hope Mother's Day was great for all of you moms, moms-to-be and those just celebrating your mom and, for those of us still dreaming of being a mommy, I hope you were able to make it through this holiday without too many tears.

This weekend was, understandably, tough for me. I spent most of the weekend reading. I finished two books this weekend, Grave Surprise by Charlaine Harris and Pandora by Anne Rice. It was the only way I could keep myself from crying and screaming simultaneously. Never before has a Mother's Day upset me as much as this one.

I did manage to make dinner for my mom both Saturday and Sunday and keep a semi-smile on my face throughout. Saturday night we enjoyed a meal of grilled steaks, homemade macoroni and cheese (my mom loves this) and baked beans and weenies (a favourite of The Hubs). Sunday's meal consisted of grilled chicken marinated in a honey teriyaki sauce, green lima beans, roasted potatoes in Italian seasoning and homemade cornbread. My mom enjoyed it. She also loved the bracelet The Hubs and I got her for Mother's Day. It is similar to a Pandora bracelet (but not quite as expensive - we are saving!) with charms of two boys - one with a January birthstone and one with a May birthstone - representing my brothers and two girl charms - one with a June birthstone and one with a November birthstone - representing my sister and I.

I think it was a good Mother's Day for her, apart from the fact she had to work. I hope it was anyway.

I've been feeling extraordinarily anxious all weekend and into the week as well. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel so nervous and worried inside. I feel like crying and I'm keeping a constant headache. I would guess it was nearly time for that witch AF to show, but I only finished Provera on Saturday night. I don't know what's going on with me, but I know The Hubs and my work colleagues are sure wishing whatever it is would hurry up and leave. For that matter, I wish it would too! I don't like feeling this way. I wish I could go somewhere by myself for a day or two and just hide away and mourn. For what, I'm not sure, but I feel a complete sense of loss.

I found out yesterday about the 2nd Annual Atlanta Walk of Hope. I wish I had known about it earlier, because The Hubs and I would have planned to attend. As it is, we now don't have time to do any fundraising or really make plans to attend. Although we do live in Georgia, we're about 4 hours from Atlanta, so it is a bit of a trek to make on no planning. So, we've decided to not attend this year, but to make definite plans to be there next year.

In the meantime, I've been on Resolve's website attempting to locate a local support group only to find that there are none in our local area. With that in mind, I have requested information on starting a peer-led support group in my area. I received an email back but haven't had a chance to go over the material yet. I'm hoping to do that later this week. I hope it will be something I can do. I'd love to have local support during my journey and I think there may be others in my area who could also use that in-person support. I hope you guys will give me moral support if it turns out to be something I think I can do. I'm hoping to work on this over the next year and be able to take a good-sized team to Atlanta for the 2012 Walk of Hope.

Well, I guess I should bring this post to an end and get on with work. I hope you all have a great Tuesday!

Some Days Are Just Better Off Slept Through

Picture the scene: I'm diligently working away at my desk when a knock comes at my door. The door is flung open by my ex-sister-in-law (who works at the same hospital as I do) who promptly announces she's going to be a nana! Her eldest daughter (half-sister to my niece Boop, but not related to me) is expecting a baby!

Terrible dream, right? In fact, it swiftly sails it's way into nightmare territory! Glad I could wake up from it....

Except, try as I might and despite pinching my arm quite severely, I didn't seem to be waking up. It took me a couple of minutes, but I realised that I wasn't waking up because I wasn't asleep. My ex-SIL actually had flung my door open to announce that her 21-year-old, unmarried, unemployed daughter was 2 months pregnant and she (ex-SIL) was incredibly happy about it and expected me to be overjoyed for her as well.

Guess what? Not so much joy coming from my corner of the room. In fact, I had to restrain myself from clobbering ex-SIL! I could understand her tactlessness had she not been aware of our TTC failure and the failure of our adoption, but she's in full possession of all the details. And, yet, there she was standing in my door and getting more angry at me by the minute for not jumping up and down in exultation.

Frankly, I wanted to slap her and her eldest daughter (come to think of it, my niece was actually not showing a lot of tact either). I can not believe that yet another unprepared youngster in my life is being blessed with a child and The Hubs and I are still struggling. It makes me so incredibly angry.

Explain to me how it is fair for my niece to become an aunt before I get the opportunity to be a mom? It's not. Not at all. It's really effing unfair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room to sulk. And, despite doing so well on my diet and exercise recently, I'm having a baked potato covered in sour cream, cheese and bacon for dinner tonight. I might even have 2. I'll revert to being good tomorrow, but tonight I'm letting disappointment, depression, dispair, hopelessness, bitterness and Provera win.

Treatment Thoughts

I bet you thought I would be avoiding you now that the Blogging A to Z April Challenge is over, right? Not so! I'm not all that fickle!

The Hubs and I have been talking and thinking a lot over the last month about what our options are in regard to becoming parents. We still want to pursue fertility treatment and we are looking at changing RE's. I'm aware my weight is an issue and I am working on that. However, neither The Hubs nor I feel our RE is supportive or willing to work toward the best options for us. He is really pushing gastric bypass surgery and, at this point in time, that is not something I'm willing to consider.

Before we definitely change RE's and continue with different options, though, I feel we need to know if continuing is actually in our best interest. The Hubs and I have discussed our individual thoughts before on what treatment we were willing to undergo and we have both expressed the opinion that we (at this time) don't feel IVF is the best route for us. We're both very aware that the success rate with IVF is only 35% and we know what our finances will allow. With IVF and adoption being of a similar cost but with more of a guarantee with adoption, we think, if it becomes a choice, adoption will be the road we choose. We want to do adoption anyway, so this was really an easy choice for us. In the meantime, though, we want to know if treatment is even a possibility for us. So far, my RE has not ordered an HSG to see if my one remaining tube is open and he has stated he will not order one until I have lost weight. I'm no expert, but this seems like more time wasting to me. Therefore, I think I'm going to see my regular OB/GYN and see if he will order one. At least then I would know if treatment was a viable option for us.

Now I need some help from you! Anyone who is in Georgia, I would like to know what RE you used and what your thoughts on them are. Would you recommend them? Or would you warn against them? If you don't want to put your thoughts in my comments area, you can email me with them.

Thanks so much for your help!