Thursday, August 11, 2011

Fear and Depression

I'd love to be able to tell you that the adoption match is definite and we'll be united with our first child in February, however, I really have no further news on the adoption right now. There has been no forward movement with Juno. The lastest news we received was that she had gone from "definitely choosing" us (and calling us the baby's parents) to making a decision between us and cousins of the baby's dad. Basically, it could go either way and we'll simply have to wait to discover her decision. Oh, one other piece of news: she had a bleeding episode on Monday and went to her doctor. Apparently she has a pulled muscle in her uterus. An ultrasound was done and baby is fine. The doctor said it is "almost certainly" a girl! I'd love to be able to get excited, but with her decision still in the air, it's difficult to do so. Juno has also "named" the baby. It's a name The Hubs and I had on our list of possible names, but with her naming the baby, I feel it's quite possible she may choose to parent herself. Who knows? I hate uncertainty.

Most days I feel quite zen about this possible match. It feels so different from the last time we were in this situation. Not that I believe this possibility is anymore definite than the last time, but that this time we're actually making steps to be ready to have another child placed with us should this adoption possibility end.

Then there are days like today when I feel immeasurably sad. The Hubs and I have been looking at houses because we're wanting to move into a home of our own (versus the one we rent from my mother which is located right next door to my mother). While I will value and appreciate my mother's input and advice on questions I may have related to child-rearing, being next door to her is not really a good idea. She's very strong-willed and forceful with her ideas on what is correct and what is not. This is a trait I have picked up from her. The problem is her idea or correct and my idea of correct don't always correlate. At the end of the day, any child we adopt will be ours and it will be our decisions on how our child is raised that will matter. My mother will struggle to see it this way, though. I've seen this with my siblings and their children.

Back to the point, though, is that we saw a house yesterday that on paper seemed like an excellent buy. However, when we saw it in person, it was definitely not the house for us. This was depressing and disheartening. We very badly need to get started on our homestudy (particularly if there is any chance this child is our child), but we want to have already made the move before we do this so we can be settled in what will be our home. I know that many of you will think it is silly for us to be embarking on this now and I appreciate your view on this. But, again, this is our decision and, right or wrong, we take responsibility for it. It's just very upsetting to find yesterday's viewing - which we had pinned such high hopes on - was a bust.

Infertility and adoption are such an emotional roller-coaster. I know you're all shouting you're preaching to the choir, honey! I simply hate the unknowns. I'm a person who plans for everything. I don't think it would be possible to have orchestrated two international moves without being this way. When I say I plan everything, I mean I plan all the small details. And I get really frustrated whenever anything - even the tiniest details - go awry. This is truly not the attitude to have when you go into such uncertain territory as adoption. Until after the baby is born (and, in fact in the state of Georgia, 10 days after the baby is born), there is no certainty. Even if Juno decided to place with us, she could change her mind within 10 days of signing TPR and decide to parent herself. I would never begrudge her this. After all, she's the one carrying the baby for 9 months. She's the one going through labor and delivery.

Am I jealous that I'm not getting the opportunity to do these things? I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little jealous. Am I angry because she gets this opportunity and holds all the cards so to speak? No. That's simply circumstance. I know for a fact Juno did not ask for this. It wasn't the plan she had for her life. I don't think anyone who ever chooses to place their child for adoption had this path in mind when they started out. I'm not angry. I just sad and frustrated. I wish there was a clear right answer for all of us. I wish we could open an instruction book and there be a page that said Juno, choose (insert correct option, but that book simply hasn't come to exist yet.

We've only just started on our journey and already I feel motion sickness on this roller-coaster. How am I really going to make it through the coming months or even years? If only I were a more patient person! Or if I could only turn loose on the need to be in control! I need patience. I need faith that everything will work out for the best. I need a stronger armour against the pain I foresee as part of this whole process.

Maybe I just need a strong drink and a nap?

Whichever happens to be the case, I need strength most of all. I have to stay strong and firm and grounded throughout this process. The ability to stay grounded is not one of my greatest qualities. I get excited at even the slightest possibilty. This is not something that is reserved exclusively for baby-related news either. I get this way about anything I want to happen and receive even the smallest positive move in that direction. You'd think this would be something I would have outgrown in my 32 years on Earth, but I guess there are some ways in which I will always be 12 years old.

If only I could get the wish out of my head that life should have been simple for me. That I shouldn't have had to fight so hard and move half a world away to be with the man I love. That I shouldn't have felt so alone and removed from the people around me in England. That we shouldn't have had to struggle financially to find jobs when we moved back to the USA, particularly when The Hubs had a good degree. That finding a home of our own shouldn't be like looking for the Holy Grail. That the simple act of becoming parents shouldn't be harder than scoring a perfect score on the LSAT's or getting elected President.

I hate that we've had to spend the amount of money we've had to spend on fertility treatment when other people seem to be able to blink and get pregnant. I hate that everywhere I look there are pregnant women and I feel jealous of them. I hate that adoption takes so long and has so many unknowns. I hate feeling so scared and sad all the darn time!

I love what adoption does - that it creates awesome families and provides children with needed homes. I love that expectant parents who are unable to raise their children themselves are able to place their children with families who can and who love the children. I love that we're able to have open adoptions now so that birthfamilies and adoptive families can unite and be a loving support for one another.

But right now I just feel so fragile and weepy and scared and depressed. When will things just settle down and let us be a family with our children?

Sorry for the whiny nature of this post.


Chrissie said...

I can relate to your words. It is a hard process, and the tears flow freely in our house too. I totally understand your desire to have a home of your won. I thin it could be a great distraction for you in this waiting time, and something positive you cold be working on to prepare for your baby in the wait ahead. I know our home has been something fun for us to work on, and now as we begin our adoption process we are looking forward to decorating and hanging pictures etc to prepare for our home study and eventually we know that the work and love we put into our home ill be a gift to our child. Bless you on your journey. I look forward to following your story.

Kristin said...

Oh honey, I wish I could just snap my fingers or wiggle my nose and guarantee that Juno would pick you. You are going to be the most awesome mommy and I can't wait until the day I get to celebrate that with you.

Good luck finding a house. Are you working with a Real Estate agent? It might be worth it to speed that process along.

{{{Hugs}}} and love my friend.

Ann said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling low. I think it's safe to say I know how you feel. There are so many things going on in your life. I pray that you will find peace. I have been reading your blog for awhile, but rarely comment. I truly believe with all my heart that you and the hubs are meant to be parents. A child will come to be that is meant to be yours whether through pregnancy or adoption. I wish I could look into my magic crystal ball and give you all the specifics, but I can't. Please know that if there are days that you feel down and find it hard to hope, there are people in the world who will hope for you(like me). I am sending you big HUGS and hope things will start looking up very soon.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

This journey isn't easy... and tears are a natural part of it. Hang in there hon. Praying that your path becomes clear soon.

junebug said...

It sucks. We didn't get picked again this week by a birth mother. I'm so over this roller coaster. Hang in there. But that is easy to say and being in a similar situation I can say I would shrug it off if someone said it to me.

I will offer this opinion. I totally get your decision. We are doing the homestudy now and we started in June but will not have the visit to our home until this Friday. There are 3 visits before they even come to your home. (at least that is how our social worker is doing it) I would at the very least start all the damn paperwork. The FBI prints take the longest so if you haven't done that do it ASAP it took 9 weeks for us to get our results back. I think if you have everything in order so all they have left is to visit your home and write up the final report it would work perfectly with you waiting for that final step after you are in your new home. It would be crazy to try doing all that paperwork, all the buying a house paperwork and move. That is just my opinion and you can blow it off as you wish.

((hugs)) I'll keep my fingers crossed.

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