Saturday, January 30, 2010

What Might Have Been

The little one made his way into the world on January 27 at 2pm. He was born addicted to two different drugs and is currently still in the hospital. C isn't keeping him, but she isn't letting us adopt him. She gave him to someone else.

When I got off work on Wednesday, I went over to Labor and Delivery to try to see them. I simply wanted to see the baby and be sure C was doing okay. No arguing, no berating, no crying or blaming. I just wanted to see how she and the baby were.

She refused to let me in.

She also had the L&D nurses put a ban on me being able to see the baby. At my own work place. It is absolutely ridiculous.

On Thursday while I was out and about in the hospital, C was up walking and passed me in the hall. She gave me the ugliest, coldest look anyone has ever given me, then turned her nose up and walked by me without speaking. She was with the woman she's allowing to adopt the baby and they went out to smoke. I was still making rounds and, when they came back in, they came by me and the adoptive mother said "there she is". Later in the day, I had to make my second rounds to gather the info I needed to do my job and, as I was coming from one section of the hospital, C and a guy I didn't know were walking towards me. C said "I wish she'd quit following me!"

Now, let's stop and consider this for a minute.

A. On Wednesday, what did she really think I was going to do? This is my place of work! If I wanted to start a scene, it wouldn't be there.

B. I wasn't interested in starting a scene. I only wanted to see the baby. I hoped that seeing him would bring some closure for me. I spent all of lunch on Wednesday crying and, after being snubbed when trying to check on them, I cried all the way home as well.

C. I have a job to do. I was not following her. I have to be out in the hospital. After the way she had acted to me earlier, I really hoped I wouldn't run into her at all. It was awful for me.

D. She approached us about the adoption, not the other way around. She pursued us and asked us to adopt the baby. We were happy to oblige, but we did not seek to convince her to give her baby to us.

E. She is the one who stopped contact with us, again not the other way around. She quit answering our calls, lied to us and even moved without giving us a forwarding address. All the while in possession of a mobile phone we bought and paid for. When it was obvious she was avoiding us, we stopped trying to contact her figuring if she wanted contact with us, she would make it.

So, my question is, after all this, why did she make out as if I had done something wrong to her? I had promised that whatever decision she made, I would support her. And I tried to do that. Now, though, I just feel as if it was thrown back in my face. I feel like she never wanted us to parent the baby. I feel she was simply using that child to get money out of us. Something we had the foresight to limit.

In addition to the betrayal and frustration I feel because of someone I considered a sister, I also feel like my heart has been ripped from my body. I didn't think it would affect me as badly as this. I thought, since it was only briefly even a tangible possibility of motherhood, it would not affect me as badly when the little one made his appearance.

I was wrong.

Knowing he's in the world and not being able to hold him and be there for him is killing me. He should be ours! The adoptive mother C picked out is related to her and has a past history of drug abuse. Why is this person being allowed to adopt this precious, innocent baby boy?

I know I'm being harsh. Presumably she is clean now, but she certainly wasn't just a few years ago. I just feel she will not be good for the little one. It hurts me to think he will have to grow up in that kind of uncertainty! I can only pray she has changed her life and that he will have a happy and healthy childhood.

Still, though, a part of me is lost. There is a part of me that, for the briefest of time, was his mother. In that moment, I felt him in my heart. I watched him cry and coo; I watched him grow into an inquisitive little boy; I kissed him as I sent him off on his first day of school, I watched The Hubs and I teach him to ride a bike and to kick a soccer ball; I heard him tell me about his first crush; I saw him battle through his first heartbreak; I watched him apply to college after college trying to pick the right one; I saw him walk down the aisle with the perfect woman for him. All these things happened but in that minimal amount of time it took for me to become his mother in my heart. And then they were snatched away. It's a part of me I'll never get back.

I know he's alive and that is a positive and precious thing. I pray his life will be a good one. And I pray someday I'll be able to have the things again with children who do belong with The Hubs and I. But for now, I feel empty. A little sliver of my heart cut away.


lowfatlady said...

*hugs* I am so sorry. That must have been awful to have gone through. I don't know what her deal was - why she stopped talking to you. You didn't do anything. I guess her background and addictions got the best of her and we won't understand why things happened. Wish I could say something to make things better.

Life Happens said...

I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. Life seems so unfair sometimes. I hope and pray that you will heal over time.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so sorry, sweetie. That must be impossibly difficult to work in the space where you knew he would be born. To be so close and yet so far from him.

AKD said...

I don't think you're being harsh at all, Lynn - you want to provide that baby with a stable, SAFE, wonderful home, and she has seemingly tried to thwart that attempt and do everything wrong for the child. I obviously don't know the whole situation, but I just think you've been incredibly kind and patient. The fact that you're praying for that baby and loving it still shows what a wonderful woman you are.


Wishing 4 One said...

Oh Lynn this is so hard. It is so sad to read your pain. I hope you feel better soon and know thats it natural to feel the way you do. I am so sorry my friend. I was going to write something about the birthmother, but I changed my mind. Thinking of you, take care of yourself. xoxoxox

Ms B. Thrift said...

Words don't really do justice to how you're feeling, this is the 2nd time i've visited and words just fail me again this time around... i wish there was a way of making your pain less, but i guess the only thing is to hope, pray and let time ease it all eventually, i think your time has come to let this one go, the birthmother isn't worth this pain for you, and i can only hope the authorities will be monitoring what is happening with the boy seeing as he has been so far failed by his mother's choices, but it can't be your burden any longer darling, your heart is huge but this is too much to bear, you have to let him go and refocus on yourself and hubby, and moving forward, i only pray your time will come lord knows what amazing family you would make a child, there are always possibilities and choices sweetie don't lose hope or feel empty, whilst there is hope and a future you have to keep going on and keep smiling against it all. Thinking of you chick x

Kelli said...

I don't even know what to all just seems so very unfair. That is absolutely heartbreaking. To say that I'm sorry isn't enough but I am...I wish that I could do something to ease your pain, my friend.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Love and hugs to you.

Suzy said...

Oh Lynn, my heart just breaks for you. Sending you loads of hugs right now.


Justina said...

Oh Lynn, my heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pain. It's not anything that you have done, she's so caught up in her cycle of addiction that she can't see clearly. Its doubly hard because you had finally allowed yourself to dream and picture yourself as a mom. I wish there was something that I could do to help. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Huge hugs to you.

butterflyanla said...

I am so sorry for you. I wish I had something comforting to say. I am here from iclw glad I found you!

A said...

Oh gosh. I am so sorry for how C acted towards you, when you only had the most gentle of intentions. I will be praying that your heart will heal very soon (hug)

jill said...

Wow I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I had to go back and read some previous posts to catch up on some details - what a horrible situation :( *hug*

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