If & Maybe

If our adoption had not fallen through, our baby boy would be one year old today. Instead, He's still turning 1 today, but he's not ours.

If the foster care system worked the way it should, C would never have gone back to her biological mother and would not be a drug addict. Instead, she was caught in town this past week attempting to exchange her food stamp card for cash so she could buy drugs.

If fertility were gifted only to those who would make great parents, The Hubs and I would already be parents, probably multiple times. Instead, C just gave birth to her fourth child in December (she kept this one, as with her first two - the older two are still in foster care).

If life were fair, I would be planning our little boy's first birthday party today. Instead, I am on my way to the RE to hear his take on our chances of attaining a pregnancy.

Maybe things will turn out well.

Maybe C will kick her drug habit and her children will be happy and become productive members of society.

Maybe The Hubs and I needed another year to prepare for our child.

Maybe that baby boy needed different parents to The Hubs and I.

Maybe the RE will have good news for us and provide optimism where I have little.

Maybe this time next year, we'll be preparing for the birth of our own child.

Maybe there is a child out there somewhere in need of The Hubs' and my love and care and we'll find them this year.

Maybe....

Quick Post

Just a quick jot here, folks, to state two things:

1. You convinced me. I bought the bag! I will post a picture of both bags for you later (hopefully, today!).
   
2. Don't forget today is the last day to sign up for Secret Pals, so if you aren't signed up, you best get moving!
   

More later......

Fruit Basket - Volume One

Sorry I've been a bit lax in posting over the last week or so. While it was wonderful having my brother home for a week, I have to say it did negatively impact my blogging. He has now returned home, though, and I promise to pick my blogging back up. For those who are interested, we had a wonderful visit with Goose (although I would have liked for it to be longer). My parents have both been down since he left, but they did book a flight to go visit him in 11 weeks. This is big news since neither my Dad (who will turn 70 during the trip) nor my Mom (who is 64) have ever flown before, so this will be their first flight. It will also be only the second visit they've made to see Goose and the first to his current home. They're both excited, but a little nervous. The Hubs and I will be delivering them to and picking them up from the airport

*********

The Hubs and I are making our own plans for a small trip this upcoming weekend. It's that time again and we'll be heading to Atlanta to attend the "America's Got Talent" auditions. This year I'm singing "Glitter in the Air" by Pink, but I won't be posting a video of it before the auditions. Depending on how things go, I may post a clip for you sometime in February after I get my new Flip Camera. Want to hear a sample of my voice? Visit this post to hear last year's audition material.

Wish me luck!

*********

Have I mentioned lately that I love Goodwill? The Hubs and I went to Goodwill after work today. The Hubs got two dress shirts, two ties and a book. I got five books (got to keep up with my book challenge!). Our total spend? $21.67. You know anywhere else you could spend that little and get that much? Nope, neither do I.

*********

I'll make a confession here. You know how some people really love shoes or how other people collect trading cards? Well, I have a weakness like that. I'm a handbag addict. I love them! I used to be the shoe addict but, with all the problems I've had with my ankle over the last couple of years, it's difficult for me to wear a lot of different shoes. So I switched my loyalties to handbags. I don't actually buy that many of them, but about 4 or 5 times a year, I get crazy with handbag lust and have to buy a new one. The last few weeks, I've really been craving a new bag, but have just not been able to find what I wanted. Today I've been blindsighted. I've actually found two bags I really wanted and I've had to make a choice between them. The first one I've seen is really not my style at all, but I love it! It's a zebra print body with lime green bottom corners and handles and, although I would normally not even look twice at it, it has really grabbed me. The second bag I saw is more my normal style. It is just a silvery-gray bag, kind of medium-sized, with two buckled pockets on the front. Because the second bag is more my style, I went ahead and purchased it today. The problem is, I can't get the first bag out of my head!

The interesting thing about the first bag is that it is available in the gift shop at the hospital I work in. This means that I can purchase the bag and have it payroll deducted from my next two paychecks. I need some advice. Should I get the other bag as well? The Hubs told me to go ahead and get it, but I know I'll feel guilty if I do. What would you do?

*********

One of the things I love most about the ALI Community is how, when one of us is hurting, a huge portion of the community comes out to show support, offer words of sympathy, advice or prayers, and simply be there for the one of us who is hurting. As many of you may be aware, Wiseguy at Woman Anyone? lost her sweet baby girl, Lola, recently. Lola had been fought for, long and hard. Wiseguy is really hurting right now. Please take a moment to stop by and offer her your love and support. She really needs us right now.

*********

I'm off to do my homework now....I've put that off long enough. Have a lovely evening, my sweet bloggy buddies!

January ICLW

Well, hi there! If you got here from ICLW, it's a pleasure to meet you! A quick run-down of me for you:

Name: Lynn
Age: 32
Married to: The Hubs
His age: 34
Married for: 8 years
TTC for: 7 years
# of BFP's: 0
Time seeing RE: 9 months
Fertility treatment tried: 4 rounds of Clo.mid, 4 rounds Soy Iso.flavones, 1 round Fe.mara
Problems faced: PCOS, Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia, Hypothy.roidism, Type II Dia.betes, Sleep Apnea, Asthma, Overweight

That pretty much sums up our TTC stuff. On a more personal level:

Favourite color: Purple
Loves: Reading, Crocheting, Blogging, Scrapbooking, Singing, Cooking
Favourite authors: Nicholas Sparks, J.K. Rowling, Charlaine Harris, Jodi Picoult
Favourite musicians: Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, The Doors, The Who, Katy Perry, Pink, Kate Nash, Sophie Ellis-Bexter
Siblings: 3; Sister - Charlie (Blog Name), Brothers - Goose & Wolfman (Blog Names)
Parents: Still living, though both not in the best of health
Nieces & nephew: 3; Nephew - Moose (age 24, blog name), Nieces - Boop & R-Bug (ages 17 & 9 respectively, blog names)
Furbabies: 4 dogs; two chihuahuas (live with my parents) - Sissy and Merlin, terrier - Isabel (immigrated with The Hubs and I from England), Beagle hound - Melly

I can't really think of what other information you might be interested in, so feel free to ask me questions!

Have a great ICLW!

On Matters of Brothers and Superheroes

My brother arrived this past Saturday. It's been really awesome getting to see him and spend time with him. He'll be here until this coming Saturday, then he goes back to New Jersey. I'm not sure when we'll get the chance to see him again, so I'm just trying to enjoy the time we have with him. The Hubs and I went out to eat with him and my Mom Sunday night. We went to a local seafood restaurant. The food was nice, but the company was even better.

Saturday evening, The Hubs and I had decided to give my brother and my Mom and Dad some time alone to visit, so we went to the movies to see The Green Hornet in 3D. We didn't really expect a lot from it because we had heard a lot of negative thoughts on it and, of course, it was in 3D and lately it seems everything is in 3D (frequently without making the best use of the technology). However, we went anyway, after having a really fabulous steak dinner. The movie was freaking hilarious! We both LOVED it and the 3D technology was used to the best advantage in this movie. Now I'll admit, there will be some of you out there who don't like the movie and won't agree with me that it was great, but we really enjoyed it. I'm sure when The Green Hornet makes it to DVD, it will become part of our collection.

I had a call today from my RE's office. We were supposed to have an appointment with him this Thursday, however, they were needing to reschedule. The appointment was originally rescheduled til tomorrow, but the receptionist called me back and said Dr. O only had an hour opening tomorrow and he said that he would need longer than that for us because I was a "complicated case". Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, he is at least giving us plenty of time and attention, but on the other hand, I don't think I like being complicated while TTC. I'm hoping we get some good news next week.

Off to watch some television with my family now (we're currently at my Mom's house right now), so I will catch up with you lovely folks later!

February 2011 Secret Pals

I am officially opening the sign-up for the February 2011 Secret Pals. For all of you participating in the January Secret Pals, I hope you're enjoying your month so far!

Here are the instructions:

1. You sign up by filling out this form. Sign up will be open until January 26, 2010.

2. By January 31st, I'll send out your Secret Pal name!

3. On February 1st, the fun commences! You'll visit your secret pals blog (if you already visit - great! If not - you find a new blog! It's a win/win situation) frequently throughout the month, send them an email if they have good news, bad news or just need some support and sometime during month, you'll send them a gift to their home. The gift doesn't need to be anything huge, just a little something to say you're thinking of them.

4. On February 28th, we'll reveal our secret pals!

5. Sign-up for March will open between February 15th and 17th.

If you would like a linkie for your page, you can grab the link here. It will look like this:



So get signed up and have a great time getting to know your fellow bloggers!

A Little Bit of This and A Little Bit of That

I know I've been lax in blogging the last week. I'd love to say there was some awesome reason keeping me from it, but, honestly, I just haven't had a lot to say. There isn't really anything newsworthy in the Wistful household. So, with that in mind, I'll give you a few bits of randomness - just to give you that needed shot of Wistful Wit =D

*********

1/11/11 was special in several ways. Not only did it simply look cool to write it, but it signified a restart for The Hubs and I. It was the 5 year anniversary of us moving (back for me) to the USA! We have officially been a married couple living in America for 5 years now. The last five years have not been easy, but we're prepared to put our faith in the next five being better. There are so many hopes I have for the next 5 years; it will be interesting to see how they pan out.

*********

I am officially declaring my book target for 2011 now. I think I can manage to read 70 books this year. Certainly much lower than my challenge of 100 last year, but better than my achievement of 57. I'm going to push for the 70. So far I've read 2 and am currently reading the 3rd.

My current reading pleasure is Over Sea, Under Stone by Susan Cooper. It is the first of a series of five books and the entire set was a Christmas gift from The Hubs. I'm really enjoying the book, however, I find myself being slow on reading it. It's not that the book isn't interesting, it's that I'm finding myself not interested in much at the moment. Hopefully, I'll move out of this funk soon.

*********

My disinterest is even carrying over into my crocheting. I've been working on a baby blanket (yup, this one is for us. I figure, what the hell? Might as well work on something for us, even if we never get to use it or get to use it but it's years down the road.) but over the last week, I've really slacked on it. I just can't seem to shake whatever is tiring me out/zapping my interest.

*********

AF is still hanging around (might be the cause of me being so disinterested and tired). She's been in town for a little over 2 weeks now. This seems like an awful long time, but I know it's a combination of coming off Meg.ace and taking Pro.vera (which I took even though AF was here because the RE wanted me to take it the first 7 days of each month). If she's still visiting by the time we go to see the RE next Thursday, I'll talk to him about it and see what we can do. Otherwise, I'm going to try not to worry about it.

*********

Work is getting the best of me these days. I'm not really enjoying it at the moment and I'm hoping things will get better soon. It's not that the work is so bad, it's just that I'm finding myself wanting something different. Not sure what to do about that, but for now will just stick it out.

*********

I've been thinking about ways The Hubs and I could raise some extra money for our fertility treatment/adoption fund (whichever way we decide to go after our consultation with RE next week - or failure of treatment). I'm thinking of maybe doing some auction type things (maybe some handbags or something) but I'd like to get feedback from anyone who may have done something like this. Did you find it useful? Or would you say it was more a waste of time? I'd love to hear your advice!

*********

I guess that's really all I can think of right now. Hopefully, I'll be back in a day or so with more interesting topics for you, but for now, have a lovely evening, my bloggy loves!

Hugs,

The Infertility Tree

Yesterday evening, The Hubs and I set out on a mission. I had seen the perfect (if fake) Christmas tree at Walmart right after Christmas. It was 7 ½ ft tall and 5 ft wide. It had 1974 tips and it was pre-lit. I was in love with it, even though I have a perfectly fine 6 ½ ft tall by 3 ft wide tree that’s only been used once. I still want to keep that tree, but I have this crazy dream of having a Christmas tree in every room of the house when we finally have our perfect house. I love Christmas and I want to spread as much cheer in my life as I can.

At the time we first saw it, it was 50% off, but it was still more than I wanted to pay. The store had 38 of the trees, so I thought I would wait for it to go on 75% off, thus only paying $49.50 for it rather than the original $198. The store we had seen it in is 45 minutes from our home (our local Walmart didn’t get this tree in), so we decided yesterday would be the perfect time to go get our tree.

We drove over to the town where this store is located, excitement filling our car. I think The Hubs was almost as excited as me about the prospect of this tree that would fill our home next Christmas. We eagerly entered the store and walked towards the seasonal items. As we grew closer to that section, we began to notice something. The aisles seemed very bare of Christmas items. Oh, the odd one was here and there, but not as I would expect it to be. Maybe that was because it was a week and a half after Christmas, and maybe I’m naïve, but I expected there to still be a large selection of items. I didn’t fret though. I wasn’t there for any of the ornaments or wrapping paper, not for the packaging boxes or the leftover Christmas cards. I was there for one thing and one thing only: my 7 ½ ft Christmas tree.

We wandered on and came to the area where all the trees had been. Standing there with The Hubs, looking around at the storage boxes surrounding us, I felt my heart sink into my knees. Where my beautiful tree had lain in its box the week before now sat only more storage boxes. All the trees were gone. I felt gutted.

This may seem like an overreaction on my part about a Christmas tree, and maybe it was, but you have to remember I am currently infused with Provera and an increased dose of diabetic and thyroid medications. I don’t know which of those (but I’m betting on the Provera) has me so emotional this week, but I have rollercoastered between extreme sadness and extreme anger. I’ve not experienced a great deal of joy or happiness this week (apart from snuggling with The Hubs each evening and finding out my brother would be coming home in a week ), but I was really looking forward to getting that tree and feeling the happiness from imagining the Christmases we would have around it with our children.

As it was, I saw those dreams cracking and falling down around my ears as I stood in Walmart. I felt my eyes welling up with tears, but I managed to hold them back. The Hubs noticed and asked me why I was so upset (he wasn’t being nasty about it, he was just concerned) and I explained to him that it felt like more than losing just a Christmas tree. The disappointment of losing that tree felt so much like the disappointment of finding out we were suffering from infertility that, in that moment standing there in the middle of Walmart, that long-gone Christmas tree became the symbol of our inability to conceive.

It was like time stood still and I was engulfed by all the disappointments over the last seven years. I saw every negative HPT we’ve had, every announcement a real life friend had made, every snide comment about us not having children, every well-meant-but-unnecessary piece of advice about what we were doing wrong and every joke made at our expense about “not doing it right” all roll through my head. I felt the weight of the IF cross crash fully down on me as I stood staring unseeingly at red and green storage boxes.

Who knew the loss of a 75% off Christmas tree could make you feel so worthless?

My saving grace? The Hubs wrapped his arms around me and said “Our time will come. We will be parents.” This gave me the strength to pull it together and not embarrass myself any further in the store. We left shortly after that and went to get some dinner. I’m better today, but if I stop moving and working for even a minute, I can feel that hollowness swallowing me again.

Perfect Moment Monday: After Nearly Five Years

This is my first time participating in Lori's (of Write Mind Open Heart) Perfect Moment Mondays. But since I have been in an awful mood today (nothing really has happened, I'm just feeling agitated and irritated - could be because AF is in town) and I got some good news this evening, I thought I would choose today to start participating.

I should probably take a moment to explain (probably again) about my siblings and myself. There are four of us in total. Charlie (of course, these are aliases, because I would like to live to see my children - just think of this as their call signs) is my only sister and she is 11 1/2 years older than me. Wolfman (Yup, I have a Top Gun theme going on) is my baby brother who is 12 1/2 years older than me. Goose (who, as a young Marine, bore a striking resemblance to Anthony Edwards circa 1985) is the eldest and the first boy. He is almost 15 years older than I am (I was born in November and he turned 15 in February following).

Finally, along came Polly. Well, okay, it was really just me, Lynn. But I was a miracle baby, I tell you! A miracle baby! If not for Louise Brown's history making birth as the first child born via IVF conception, I would have been famous! My mom had had her tubes tied after my sister was born, but then had a miscarriage, so she went on birth control pills. It really didn't matter though, because I was determined to get her and was born in spite of both of these things. I had big things to accomplish. But - really - that's a story for another day.

Back to my Perfect Moment Monday. So, this story is really about Goose. When Goose was 18, he joined the Marines and left home. Two years later, he met and married his wife (who was from New York) and a year later they had my nephew. When Goose had finished his time in the Corps, the family moved to her home in New York. Over the years, they have lived many places: New York; St. Thomas, Virgin Islands; Georgia; New York again; Pennsylvania; and finally, New Jersey. Goose's visits home have been sporadic, not because he didn't want to visit, but because money has always been tight. His last time home was almost five years ago when our dad was seriously ill and we didn't know if he was going to live. Daddy was unconcious the whole time Goose was home, so he has no memory of seeing him then. Daddy's last memory of seeing Goose was when he was home for Christmas six years ago.

Today, The Hubs and I were invited to my Mom and Dad's house for dinner. When we got there, my mom was on the phone with Goose. She was talking excitedly and was motioning for me to sit down on the couch as she finished up the call. Once the call was completed, she told The Hubs and I the good news: a week from this coming Saturday, Goose will be coming home for a visit!!

For me, that is my Perfect Moment Monday. My big brother will be home in a week and a half's time for the first visit in nearly 5 years. I don't think Monday's get any more perfect!

Welcome to 2011!

Happy New Year!

It's been a lazy day for The Hubs and I. We've spent most of the day reading (me), playing computer games (The Hubs) and watching telly. Late this afternoon I went to my mom's house and took her Christmas decorations down for her because she's in the middle day of her three 12-hour days in a row working. I try to be helpful when I can.

We had a tasty dinner tonight, even if I do say so myself! We enjoyed a meal of cauliflower, leek and cheese (with mushrooms) and cubed steak. It wasn't much, but we both really enjoyed it. I just haven't felt like doing a lot of cooking over the last few days, which is unlike me. Usually I'm eager to cook things, particularly new things. Lately, though, I've just been feeling a little lazy/bored.

I'm so glad it's a long weekend. I feel so tired! And the increase of Metformin is not yet sitting well with my stomach. It's nice to have an extra day before having to go back to work. Also, I'm really enjoying the time I'm getting to spend with The Hubs. It's been nice to just cuddle all day and not have to worry about being anywhere in particular. One more day, though, and it's back to work. Now I just have to hold out another couple of months and we're off to Vegas! I can hardly wait!

I changed my blog layout today. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It's kind of faded, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'll be changing it for Valentine's Day in a few days. I did move the list of books I read in 2010 to its own page and also started a page for books read in 2011. Believe it or not, I've already managed to finish one book and start on another! I fell well short of my goal of reading 100 books last year, so I want to be sure to get off to a good start this year. I do think I'll lower my goal this year, but still keep it higher than what I left last year. I'll have to think and declare my goal in a day or so.

Anyway, I'm off now to clean up the kitchen and then maybe play a game with The Hubs. Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Hugs,