10 on Tuesday

But wait, you say, it's not Tuesday! I know this, but I failed to get this post up yesterday, so there you go. I'm posting it on Wednesday and we're all just going to pretend for a moment that it's actually Tuesday. So, today is Tuesday (Wednesday) and it's time for 10 on Tuesday!

1. My dad has now been moved from ICU to a private room. He is doing better than he was. He is off IV and catheter now, but still has a feeding tube in place due to not being able to swallow and, although it is better, his is still having difficulty with speech. A speech therapist is working with him for both his speech and swallowing. We're hoping he will be able to swallow without aspirating when he has another modified barium swallow on Thursday. His doctor told him that when he can swallow some thick liquids, he will let him go home. My dad is hoping to go home on Thursday. He did get a mini-pass yesterday and got to leave the hospital for an hour and a half after signing a statement that he would come back. He was a happy man then, lol!



2. I broke down this week and purchased a Kindle. I'll admit I haven't wanted to get one. I'm definitely a person who likes the feel and smell of a real book, so I was a little resentful of electronic readers. My mom, though, got one a couple of months ago and, while my dad has been in the hospital, I've been playing with her Kindle. I decided I wanted one, so The Hubs and I purchased one on Friday night (we got ours from Walmart). And, I have to say, I love it! I have so far added about 37 books to my Kindle - a lot of classics like Alice in Wonderland and Pride and Prejudice. I've started reading Les Miserables, which is a book I've wanted to read for a long time, but never got around to. Loving it so far! And I'll retract my previous opinion and say the Kindle is AWESOME!!!!



3. I also bought a Flip Camera Friday night. I've been wanting a video camera for a while and I love the Flip. It's very basic (no editing available) but it's perfect for me and the price was right - it's normally $129, but was on clearance for $89. Just right!



4. We're changing insurance at my workplace as of July 1. I'm okay with the change. It doesn't really affect anything as far as my coverage. Or at least that's what I thought. I was looking at the list of medications that are formulary (insurance will cover the cost) and I noticed that Synthroid was not on the list. In fact, it was on the list of non-formulary medications and listed a generic. My doctor won't prescribe the generic (she actually stated it's not worth the time they take to make it), so I'm now confused at what to do. I spoke with my pharmacist and she said it should only be around $15 - $20, so not too bad. I hope she's right!



5. Another thing I noticed on the formulary list is that, while follistim is a non-formulary medication, Gonal-F is formulary. Now, I don't know if this actually means anything for me, since our policy still doesn't cover IF treatment, but it's an interesting possibility nonetheless.



6. Has anyone noticed that beautiful My Fitness Pal block over there -->? 10lbs. That's how much I've lost so far! Actually, 10.2lbs, but who's counting (ME!!!)? Haven't weighed this week, so I hope I've actually lost even more than that.



7. Speaking of Synthroid, I have an appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow. I don't yet have a blog name for her. I'm debating what to call her. She has a very dry personality - in fact, some people would say no personality - and she's very prim. I don't mind her (much) and I think she'll be pleased with my weight loss and I think my Hemoglobin A1C will be done below diabetic levels when they check it tomorrow!



8. For the last 5 years (ever since we moved to the US), The Hubs and I have had a tradition of attending the fireworks display in our town on July 4th. We were looking forward to that very tradition this year, only to find out yesterday that, due to the drought conditions affecting South Georgia, there will be no fireworks display this year. It poured rain last night. In fact, it's rained a good bit this week. The county stated that the fireworks would be moved to later in the year. I told The Hubs that was like telling me "well, I know your birthday is in November but it falls around Thanksgiving, so we're going to move it to February, k?" I understand they're worried about fires starting (for anyone not in the know, Okefenokee Swamp in Waycross, Georgia is still on fire), but just don't bother with the display.



9. The Hubs and I are trying to decide what to do for 4th of July now. We're thinking we may go to Savannah (if they're having their fireworks display). Or we may just stick closer to home and grill out. But we'll probably go somewhere for the day. Just not yet sure where :D



10. I'm going to be booking tickets in the next week or so for The Hubs and I to go to Atlanta in late August to see Cirque du Soleil's Dralion! I'm very, very excited about this! In fact, I might possibly have already mentioned this, lol!

That's it for this week! Have a great day!

Update On My Dad

First off, let me say thank you so much for all the thoughts and prayers that have been going up from the online community for our family! It really means so much to us!

I wanted to give you an update on my dad's condition. It does seem like he has had a stroke, but one brought on by hypoxia (shortage of oxygen) rather than due to an embolism (blood clot). It was a relatively mild stroke, however it is exacerbated due to him having COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). Saying it is relatively mild does in this instance, however, mean that he is still currently in ICU. We are hoping he can be moved to a room in the next day or so.

He had a Modified Barium Swallow (swallowing) test performed yesterday, which he failed. He was aspirating everything he tried to eat during the test: thin liquids, honey, thickens (pudding, applesauce). They stopped at that point rather than moving on to more solid foods, which would actually strangle him even more. He is still unable to talk, also. What all this means is that he will have a speech therapist working with him for his speech, swallowing and confusion over the next few weeks.

During last night, it seems he had a very bad night, attempting to climb out of his bed and pull his tubes out. The ICU nurses called the doctor on-call overnight and he ordered an injection of the sedative Halodon (a psychotic sedative) which has knocked him out completely today. He is currently completely non-responsive. We can't even get an actual evaluation of how he is today.

Depending on how he is doing when the sedative (which has been ordered to be given NO MORE) wears off, it will determine whether he is staying at the hospital he is in currently (the one I work at) or moving on to one in Savannah.

That's about all we know for now. I'll keep you updated as we know more! Keep those thoughts and prayers coming! We need all we can get!

Need Thoughts/Prayers

I need your thoughts and prayers please! My dad has had to be brought to ER today for a probable stroke. He is being admitted to ICU. Right now we know very little, but I will update you when we know more. We know right now that his oxygen saturation levels when he came into ER were registering at it's highest at 60% (should be at least 94% to 100%). Please, please just keep him in your thoughts/prayers! He is 70 years old and has not been in good health for the last 20 years. I'll update you when I can!

Critical Thinking: When Is Enough Enough?

This is a question I think every infertile faces at some point in time: when is enough enough? When have you truly done all the fertility treatment you can face? When do you decide IF treatment is a waste of your money and what you're really meant to do is parent a child through adoption, so you're moving on? When is it just easier on the heart to move on to living child-free?

These are the questions facing The Hubs and I at the moment. For us, what the question boils down to is this: what counts more towards our limit, the time spent trying or the actual treatment accomplished in that time?

You see, we're unique to a lot of couples who've been TTC for a while because, while we've been trying for 7 1/2 years, we've really only done a minimal amount of treatment. Due to one circumstance or another, the only treatment we've undergone has been four Clomid cycles. Not a real overflux of treatment, I think you'd agree. However, if you look at the time we've spent on TTC, I think you'll find that this is a significantly greater time than a lot of others in our position spend attempting to create a family. I will say not a greater amount of time than everyone - I can, as I type this, think of at least 3 people who've spent at least this long or longer in their own TTC game - but certainly a greater length of time than your average infertile.

What has held us up, you ask? Well, initially it was because we were living in the UK and were planning to move back to the US. We thought it made better sense to wait to seek out help discovering what was wrong until we were settled in the US. And, at the time, it did make more sense. Now, looking back, I wish we'd chosen differently, but you can't change the past, so on we move.

Once we were actually in the US, there always seemed to be something else holding us back from seeking help: my dad's illness, money, The Hubs being out of work. When we finally did seek treatment through my OB/GYN, she wanted us to try Clomid before getting a referral to an RE. We did that. Four clomid cycles, all a bust. Finally we got our RE referral and it looked like we might be getting somewhere, then my body decides it's not happening.

Stop. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. No, instead we were lost in the land of treating hyperplasia. And Type II Diabetes. And Hypothyroidism. And Sleep Apnea. And the revelation of a missing right fallopian tube. And any other mundane illness that could creep up to prevent our dreams from coming true. But finally - FINALLY! - we got that all sorted and it looked as though we might actually be on our way towards our goal. But, alas, we were once again stopped and told we would have to wait. This time, I needed to lose weight. 30 lbs minimum.

That brings us to where we are today. I'm working on losing that weight - and I'm doing a pretty good job of it - but I don't know when we'll actually move on to any treatment. Our RE won't even do an HSG to see if the one remaining tube I have is clear until the weight comes off. He says "I can get you pregnant at your current weight (at that time it was 273 lbs, it is now down to 263.6 lbs), but I can't keep you pregnant. And, any pregnancy would be much too difficult for anyone your size."

That's where we're left. 7 1/2 years of hoping and longing and wishing. 7 1/2 years of heartache and disappointment. 7 1/2 years of not knowing what to plan for or when, or even if, we would ever be parents. And still, we're no further than we were before. We haven't even progressed one centimeter from where we were 7 1/2 years ago (or at least that's how it feels).

That brings me back to our question: when is enough enough? Should we keep on moving towards trying an IUI or IVF? Should we give up on trying to reproduce biologically and focus our time, energy and finances on adoption? Should we try to come to terms with living child-free?

Honestly, I'm not so sure our finances would sustain IVF AND adoption. I'm pretty sure we could manage an IUI or two, but, after reading so many of the stories in the IF world, I'm hyper-aware of the fact that IVF does not always work. I want to be a mother. I've never wanted something so bad in my life. Living child-free just does not seem an option for me. The Hubs feels similarly. How we become parents is not really that important, but the fact that we do become parents is hugely important.

I've done without a lot of things in my life that are deemed "rights of passage". I never had a big 16th birthday party - my dad was sick and it wasn't an option for us. My marriage proposal wasn't a big production - The Hubs just kind of asked and I said yes, we just wanted to be together forever without anyone being able to separate us. I never had a bridal shower - we were living in England, only came to the States a week before our wedding and couldn't really take much back with us. Wedding showers aren't a huge deal in England (at least not with The Hubs' family and friends) so we had no shower there either. I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

I don't mean to whine, but I have sacrificed a lot of the time-honoured, traditional experiences in life. Being a mother is not one of those experiences I'm willing to forego. I just won't do it. I will stamp my foot, scream and cry like a petulant child if I have to, but I simply will not accept that I will never be a mother! The maternal instinct is too ingrained in me.

So, what to do? Where does that leave us? Waiting to try an IUI? Moving on to adoption? Praying for one of those "miracles" everyone who has never experienced infertility tells me about?

Or simply continuing to ask myself: when is enough enough?