A Little Bit of This and A Little Bit of That

I know I've been lax in blogging the last week. I'd love to say there was some awesome reason keeping me from it, but, honestly, I just haven't had a lot to say. There isn't really anything newsworthy in the Wistful household. So, with that in mind, I'll give you a few bits of randomness - just to give you that needed shot of Wistful Wit =D

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1/11/11 was special in several ways. Not only did it simply look cool to write it, but it signified a restart for The Hubs and I. It was the 5 year anniversary of us moving (back for me) to the USA! We have officially been a married couple living in America for 5 years now. The last five years have not been easy, but we're prepared to put our faith in the next five being better. There are so many hopes I have for the next 5 years; it will be interesting to see how they pan out.

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I am officially declaring my book target for 2011 now. I think I can manage to read 70 books this year. Certainly much lower than my challenge of 100 last year, but better than my achievement of 57. I'm going to push for the 70. So far I've read 2 and am currently reading the 3rd.

My current reading pleasure is Over Sea, Under Stone by Susan Cooper. It is the first of a series of five books and the entire set was a Christmas gift from The Hubs. I'm really enjoying the book, however, I find myself being slow on reading it. It's not that the book isn't interesting, it's that I'm finding myself not interested in much at the moment. Hopefully, I'll move out of this funk soon.

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My disinterest is even carrying over into my crocheting. I've been working on a baby blanket (yup, this one is for us. I figure, what the hell? Might as well work on something for us, even if we never get to use it or get to use it but it's years down the road.) but over the last week, I've really slacked on it. I just can't seem to shake whatever is tiring me out/zapping my interest.

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AF is still hanging around (might be the cause of me being so disinterested and tired). She's been in town for a little over 2 weeks now. This seems like an awful long time, but I know it's a combination of coming off Meg.ace and taking Pro.vera (which I took even though AF was here because the RE wanted me to take it the first 7 days of each month). If she's still visiting by the time we go to see the RE next Thursday, I'll talk to him about it and see what we can do. Otherwise, I'm going to try not to worry about it.

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Work is getting the best of me these days. I'm not really enjoying it at the moment and I'm hoping things will get better soon. It's not that the work is so bad, it's just that I'm finding myself wanting something different. Not sure what to do about that, but for now will just stick it out.

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I've been thinking about ways The Hubs and I could raise some extra money for our fertility treatment/adoption fund (whichever way we decide to go after our consultation with RE next week - or failure of treatment). I'm thinking of maybe doing some auction type things (maybe some handbags or something) but I'd like to get feedback from anyone who may have done something like this. Did you find it useful? Or would you say it was more a waste of time? I'd love to hear your advice!

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I guess that's really all I can think of right now. Hopefully, I'll be back in a day or so with more interesting topics for you, but for now, have a lovely evening, my bloggy loves!

Hugs,

The Infertility Tree

Yesterday evening, The Hubs and I set out on a mission. I had seen the perfect (if fake) Christmas tree at Walmart right after Christmas. It was 7 ½ ft tall and 5 ft wide. It had 1974 tips and it was pre-lit. I was in love with it, even though I have a perfectly fine 6 ½ ft tall by 3 ft wide tree that’s only been used once. I still want to keep that tree, but I have this crazy dream of having a Christmas tree in every room of the house when we finally have our perfect house. I love Christmas and I want to spread as much cheer in my life as I can.

At the time we first saw it, it was 50% off, but it was still more than I wanted to pay. The store had 38 of the trees, so I thought I would wait for it to go on 75% off, thus only paying $49.50 for it rather than the original $198. The store we had seen it in is 45 minutes from our home (our local Walmart didn’t get this tree in), so we decided yesterday would be the perfect time to go get our tree.

We drove over to the town where this store is located, excitement filling our car. I think The Hubs was almost as excited as me about the prospect of this tree that would fill our home next Christmas. We eagerly entered the store and walked towards the seasonal items. As we grew closer to that section, we began to notice something. The aisles seemed very bare of Christmas items. Oh, the odd one was here and there, but not as I would expect it to be. Maybe that was because it was a week and a half after Christmas, and maybe I’m naïve, but I expected there to still be a large selection of items. I didn’t fret though. I wasn’t there for any of the ornaments or wrapping paper, not for the packaging boxes or the leftover Christmas cards. I was there for one thing and one thing only: my 7 ½ ft Christmas tree.

We wandered on and came to the area where all the trees had been. Standing there with The Hubs, looking around at the storage boxes surrounding us, I felt my heart sink into my knees. Where my beautiful tree had lain in its box the week before now sat only more storage boxes. All the trees were gone. I felt gutted.

This may seem like an overreaction on my part about a Christmas tree, and maybe it was, but you have to remember I am currently infused with Provera and an increased dose of diabetic and thyroid medications. I don’t know which of those (but I’m betting on the Provera) has me so emotional this week, but I have rollercoastered between extreme sadness and extreme anger. I’ve not experienced a great deal of joy or happiness this week (apart from snuggling with The Hubs each evening and finding out my brother would be coming home in a week ), but I was really looking forward to getting that tree and feeling the happiness from imagining the Christmases we would have around it with our children.

As it was, I saw those dreams cracking and falling down around my ears as I stood in Walmart. I felt my eyes welling up with tears, but I managed to hold them back. The Hubs noticed and asked me why I was so upset (he wasn’t being nasty about it, he was just concerned) and I explained to him that it felt like more than losing just a Christmas tree. The disappointment of losing that tree felt so much like the disappointment of finding out we were suffering from infertility that, in that moment standing there in the middle of Walmart, that long-gone Christmas tree became the symbol of our inability to conceive.

It was like time stood still and I was engulfed by all the disappointments over the last seven years. I saw every negative HPT we’ve had, every announcement a real life friend had made, every snide comment about us not having children, every well-meant-but-unnecessary piece of advice about what we were doing wrong and every joke made at our expense about “not doing it right” all roll through my head. I felt the weight of the IF cross crash fully down on me as I stood staring unseeingly at red and green storage boxes.

Who knew the loss of a 75% off Christmas tree could make you feel so worthless?

My saving grace? The Hubs wrapped his arms around me and said “Our time will come. We will be parents.” This gave me the strength to pull it together and not embarrass myself any further in the store. We left shortly after that and went to get some dinner. I’m better today, but if I stop moving and working for even a minute, I can feel that hollowness swallowing me again.

Perfect Moment Monday: After Nearly Five Years

This is my first time participating in Lori's (of Write Mind Open Heart) Perfect Moment Mondays. But since I have been in an awful mood today (nothing really has happened, I'm just feeling agitated and irritated - could be because AF is in town) and I got some good news this evening, I thought I would choose today to start participating.

I should probably take a moment to explain (probably again) about my siblings and myself. There are four of us in total. Charlie (of course, these are aliases, because I would like to live to see my children - just think of this as their call signs) is my only sister and she is 11 1/2 years older than me. Wolfman (Yup, I have a Top Gun theme going on) is my baby brother who is 12 1/2 years older than me. Goose (who, as a young Marine, bore a striking resemblance to Anthony Edwards circa 1985) is the eldest and the first boy. He is almost 15 years older than I am (I was born in November and he turned 15 in February following).

Finally, along came Polly. Well, okay, it was really just me, Lynn. But I was a miracle baby, I tell you! A miracle baby! If not for Louise Brown's history making birth as the first child born via IVF conception, I would have been famous! My mom had had her tubes tied after my sister was born, but then had a miscarriage, so she went on birth control pills. It really didn't matter though, because I was determined to get her and was born in spite of both of these things. I had big things to accomplish. But - really - that's a story for another day.

Back to my Perfect Moment Monday. So, this story is really about Goose. When Goose was 18, he joined the Marines and left home. Two years later, he met and married his wife (who was from New York) and a year later they had my nephew. When Goose had finished his time in the Corps, the family moved to her home in New York. Over the years, they have lived many places: New York; St. Thomas, Virgin Islands; Georgia; New York again; Pennsylvania; and finally, New Jersey. Goose's visits home have been sporadic, not because he didn't want to visit, but because money has always been tight. His last time home was almost five years ago when our dad was seriously ill and we didn't know if he was going to live. Daddy was unconcious the whole time Goose was home, so he has no memory of seeing him then. Daddy's last memory of seeing Goose was when he was home for Christmas six years ago.

Today, The Hubs and I were invited to my Mom and Dad's house for dinner. When we got there, my mom was on the phone with Goose. She was talking excitedly and was motioning for me to sit down on the couch as she finished up the call. Once the call was completed, she told The Hubs and I the good news: a week from this coming Saturday, Goose will be coming home for a visit!!

For me, that is my Perfect Moment Monday. My big brother will be home in a week and a half's time for the first visit in nearly 5 years. I don't think Monday's get any more perfect!

Welcome to 2011!

Happy New Year!

It's been a lazy day for The Hubs and I. We've spent most of the day reading (me), playing computer games (The Hubs) and watching telly. Late this afternoon I went to my mom's house and took her Christmas decorations down for her because she's in the middle day of her three 12-hour days in a row working. I try to be helpful when I can.

We had a tasty dinner tonight, even if I do say so myself! We enjoyed a meal of cauliflower, leek and cheese (with mushrooms) and cubed steak. It wasn't much, but we both really enjoyed it. I just haven't felt like doing a lot of cooking over the last few days, which is unlike me. Usually I'm eager to cook things, particularly new things. Lately, though, I've just been feeling a little lazy/bored.

I'm so glad it's a long weekend. I feel so tired! And the increase of Metformin is not yet sitting well with my stomach. It's nice to have an extra day before having to go back to work. Also, I'm really enjoying the time I'm getting to spend with The Hubs. It's been nice to just cuddle all day and not have to worry about being anywhere in particular. One more day, though, and it's back to work. Now I just have to hold out another couple of months and we're off to Vegas! I can hardly wait!

I changed my blog layout today. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It's kind of faded, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'll be changing it for Valentine's Day in a few days. I did move the list of books I read in 2010 to its own page and also started a page for books read in 2011. Believe it or not, I've already managed to finish one book and start on another! I fell well short of my goal of reading 100 books last year, so I want to be sure to get off to a good start this year. I do think I'll lower my goal this year, but still keep it higher than what I left last year. I'll have to think and declare my goal in a day or so.

Anyway, I'm off now to clean up the kitchen and then maybe play a game with The Hubs. Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

Hugs,