Regaining Faith

Faith is such a difficult thing to maintain when you're going through a crisis or a series of crises. I know this first-hand. I felt my faith slipping earlier this year and I did nothing to try to maintain it. I let it slip from my shoulders like an old sweater I no longer wanted to wear.

Infertility, marital stresses, spousal unemployment, changes at work and several other things led to my distress, but they were things I could have worked on. Things I could have taken responsibility for. Instead, I chose to blame God. I yelled, I ranted, I raved, I screamed, I cursed and, finally, I distrusted. I felt that the Lord should be helping. I felt like I'd been told my whole life that He would never put us through more than we could handle, He was with us always, He would carry us when we were walking through the storm. I felt like I was under more than I could handle. I felt utterly alone.

I continued to feel this way for almost 7 months. I almost completely stopped attending church. When I did go, I found fault with things said, things done. And things continued to get worse. Four cycles of Clomid failed, The Hubs continued to be unemployed, finances continued to be stressed, work got even more stressful. Yet I still failed to see this was my test.

A week ago, I had an epiphany.

I realized the problem wasn't God. The problem was me. Here I was saying I loved Him, I trusted Him, yet I blamed Him when things went wrong. I didn't stop to look at the things that had gone right in the same period of time. I didn't thank Him for The Hubs whom I had resolved some serious issues with and grown much closer to than we had been in years. I didn't thank Him for the mother I have who has been generously helping us when she could. I didn't thank Him for my being employed when so many others are not. I didn't thank Him for the roof over our head or the food in our bellies. I didn't thank Him for the love of our awesome furbabies sent to fill the void until we have our own children. I didn't thank Him for the peace I feel in small moments, untouched by reality. I didn't thank Him for still loving me even though I had given up on Him.

But things change and occassionally we're offered a beam of insight.

So here I sit today, The Hubs still unemployed, finances still stressed, still infertile, still in a stressful job situation, but with a better frame of mind, with a heart full of faith and trust. Because, no matter what life brings our way, I know we'll make it through to the other side. We may be nearly broken when we get there, but we will get there. He promised this.

Friday Five - A Little Late

During my ICLW visits today, I ran across Not a Fertile Myrtle. She's a very funny lady, so go check her out! Anyway, she had posted her Friday Five, which is something I used to participate in years ago on my old blog. I used to really enjoy it, so I thought I'd give it another go! I'm a little late this week, but here goes:

1.What are the titles of the last three books you read all of?

Just Take My Heart - Mary Higgins Clark, The Memory Keeper's Daughter - Kim Edwards, and Strawberry Shortcake Murder - Joanna Fluke

2.What are the titles of between three and five magazines you subscribe to or used to subscribe to?

Used to subscribe to Reader's Digest and Family Circle. Would like to subscribe to People (I love that magazine!)

3.What’s on your night table?

Alarm clock, lamp, meds and BBT thermometer

4.What are the three best things that happened to you in the past seven days?

I got the grade on the first of 2 research papers back and made 98%, one of our cats had kittens and I made a break-through in the crisis of faith I've been having over the last 7 months.

5.What was your senior yearbook quote, and what would your yearbook quote be this year if there were such a thing?

I think it was something like "Enjoy life to the fullest!" and now it would be "If you want something out of life, do it now. Don't wait. Don't put it off for another day. Life is too short, so Love Big, Live Full and Pray Hard!"

Show and Tell - Vol 3

About 3 years ago, The Hubs and I took a trip to Atlanta and went to the Georgia Aquarium. I remember the day well! We had such a great day! We both love sealife and had been to a couple of the larger aquariums in England, but neither of us had been to one in the States (nope, not even me! Had never been to one before going with The Hubs). So we choice the Georgia Aquarium.

I loved seeing all the fish, turtles and other creatures, but I remember being completely fascinated by the jellyfish. They were so beautiful! It just amazed me that something that was really just a blob could be so beautiful to me. I was fascinated to learn all about them. There was one photo I took that I thought was great. It shows their tentacles flowing out behind them.



There was one other photo I took that truly amazed me! I was surprised I could capture the moment like I hoped. One day, this photo will grace the walls of our home.



See what the rest of the class are up to here!

Confusing...

The Hubs' appointment today didn't go as planned. The pre-employment assessment he had to do was an ethical questionnaire. No problem, thought The Hubs. Now you should know, The Hubs is the most scrupulously ethical person I know in a professional capacity (he has had his moments personally, but I digress). So this questionnaire should have been a breeze.

However, it seems that a couple of The Hubs answers were flagged. When asked the question Have you ever been tempted to take anything from an employer? The Hubs answered yes because, he thought, who hasn't been tempted to take office supplies? He was asked what item he had been tempted to take from his employer. The Hubs answered that he couldn't think of a specific example, but he was sure he had been tempted but he never had. He also expressed that he thought this was a common occurence.

A second question Have you ever been tempted to cheat an employer in any way again earned a yes answer from The Hubs, as he figured most people had at some point in time visited a non-work related internet site. This time he was asked what he had cheated his employer out of, so he gave the aforementioned answer. We've all done this, haven't we? I know I have (in fact, I do it most days). Besides, the question was had you been tempted to cheat an employer.

The Hubs said the interviewer seemed okay with these answers, but did not send The Hubs for his drug screen. Instead, he said he would have a talk with the HR Manager (interviewer is the Operations Manager) and, if they decided to call him back, be in touch. No date to expect a call this time.

We feel that's probably it and another job opportunity is gone. Having said that, did The Hubs really want to work for a company that stressed over being tempted to do something no one would ever do? I, mean, even Jesus was tempted.

The wait continues. I will keep you posted.