Critical Thinking: When Is Enough Enough?

This is a question I think every infertile faces at some point in time: when is enough enough? When have you truly done all the fertility treatment you can face? When do you decide IF treatment is a waste of your money and what you're really meant to do is parent a child through adoption, so you're moving on? When is it just easier on the heart to move on to living child-free?

These are the questions facing The Hubs and I at the moment. For us, what the question boils down to is this: what counts more towards our limit, the time spent trying or the actual treatment accomplished in that time?

You see, we're unique to a lot of couples who've been TTC for a while because, while we've been trying for 7 1/2 years, we've really only done a minimal amount of treatment. Due to one circumstance or another, the only treatment we've undergone has been four Clomid cycles. Not a real overflux of treatment, I think you'd agree. However, if you look at the time we've spent on TTC, I think you'll find that this is a significantly greater time than a lot of others in our position spend attempting to create a family. I will say not a greater amount of time than everyone - I can, as I type this, think of at least 3 people who've spent at least this long or longer in their own TTC game - but certainly a greater length of time than your average infertile.

What has held us up, you ask? Well, initially it was because we were living in the UK and were planning to move back to the US. We thought it made better sense to wait to seek out help discovering what was wrong until we were settled in the US. And, at the time, it did make more sense. Now, looking back, I wish we'd chosen differently, but you can't change the past, so on we move.

Once we were actually in the US, there always seemed to be something else holding us back from seeking help: my dad's illness, money, The Hubs being out of work. When we finally did seek treatment through my OB/GYN, she wanted us to try Clomid before getting a referral to an RE. We did that. Four clomid cycles, all a bust. Finally we got our RE referral and it looked like we might be getting somewhere, then my body decides it's not happening.

Stop. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. No, instead we were lost in the land of treating hyperplasia. And Type II Diabetes. And Hypothyroidism. And Sleep Apnea. And the revelation of a missing right fallopian tube. And any other mundane illness that could creep up to prevent our dreams from coming true. But finally - FINALLY! - we got that all sorted and it looked as though we might actually be on our way towards our goal. But, alas, we were once again stopped and told we would have to wait. This time, I needed to lose weight. 30 lbs minimum.

That brings us to where we are today. I'm working on losing that weight - and I'm doing a pretty good job of it - but I don't know when we'll actually move on to any treatment. Our RE won't even do an HSG to see if the one remaining tube I have is clear until the weight comes off. He says "I can get you pregnant at your current weight (at that time it was 273 lbs, it is now down to 263.6 lbs), but I can't keep you pregnant. And, any pregnancy would be much too difficult for anyone your size."

That's where we're left. 7 1/2 years of hoping and longing and wishing. 7 1/2 years of heartache and disappointment. 7 1/2 years of not knowing what to plan for or when, or even if, we would ever be parents. And still, we're no further than we were before. We haven't even progressed one centimeter from where we were 7 1/2 years ago (or at least that's how it feels).

That brings me back to our question: when is enough enough? Should we keep on moving towards trying an IUI or IVF? Should we give up on trying to reproduce biologically and focus our time, energy and finances on adoption? Should we try to come to terms with living child-free?

Honestly, I'm not so sure our finances would sustain IVF AND adoption. I'm pretty sure we could manage an IUI or two, but, after reading so many of the stories in the IF world, I'm hyper-aware of the fact that IVF does not always work. I want to be a mother. I've never wanted something so bad in my life. Living child-free just does not seem an option for me. The Hubs feels similarly. How we become parents is not really that important, but the fact that we do become parents is hugely important.

I've done without a lot of things in my life that are deemed "rights of passage". I never had a big 16th birthday party - my dad was sick and it wasn't an option for us. My marriage proposal wasn't a big production - The Hubs just kind of asked and I said yes, we just wanted to be together forever without anyone being able to separate us. I never had a bridal shower - we were living in England, only came to the States a week before our wedding and couldn't really take much back with us. Wedding showers aren't a huge deal in England (at least not with The Hubs' family and friends) so we had no shower there either. I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

I don't mean to whine, but I have sacrificed a lot of the time-honoured, traditional experiences in life. Being a mother is not one of those experiences I'm willing to forego. I just won't do it. I will stamp my foot, scream and cry like a petulant child if I have to, but I simply will not accept that I will never be a mother! The maternal instinct is too ingrained in me.

So, what to do? Where does that leave us? Waiting to try an IUI? Moving on to adoption? Praying for one of those "miracles" everyone who has never experienced infertility tells me about?

Or simply continuing to ask myself: when is enough enough?

We're Finally Getting Somewhere....Maybe

As I said in my last post, I had an appointment with my RE last Thursday. I was truly not looking forward to the appointment (in case you missed that from my last post, lol), but I went anyway. The Hubs accompanied me.

The first thing was the weigh-in and blood pressure check. My weight was down 2lbs from the last time I had seen Dr. O. Not a huge loss, but a loss nonetheless. I was not excited about the blood pressure check but, to my surprise, that came out good as well! My bp usually runs high at Dr. O's office (usually because I'm frustrated with him) but it was only 120/74 on Thursday. They were extremely pleased with that.

Next, Dr. O did an u/s to check my endometrium and ovaries. Endometrial lining looked good at 4mm. Ovaries both had a few follicles, one on the left at 17mm and one on the right at 13mm and looking a little complicated so we'll be monitoring that one with 6 month ultrasounds. Had my annual breast exam and that was all fine.

We then moved into Dr. O's office to discuss my progress. We talked about how my glucose levels were down considerably (into normal ranges - yay!) and my Hemoglobin A1C level was down to 6.1 (normal, non-diabetic levels are anything under 6.0 so mine are virtually normal, albeit controlled by medication). My blood pressure is showing normal, so he was happy with that. He did mention bariatric surgery again, but I told him I just wasn't comfortable with it and he dropped the subject. I explained to him my new weight loss routine - I'm currently on a 1480 calorie per day diet and am walking a minimum of 2 miles daily. He seemed extremely pleased with this and he finally gave me an amount of weight I needed to lose!! As a minimum, I need to lose 10% of my weight. My weight in his office was 274 lbs, so 27 lbs. He rounded that up to 30 lbs. So, when I lose 30 lbs, we'll start talking fertility treatment options again! Yay! I can do that! Ideally, he would like me to be down around 210 to 220 lbs, but he would be willing to start working on treatment with me when I get down to around 244 lbs.

You may remember I was doing Weight Watchers and going to the gym. I'm no longer doing either of those. But wait! Don't get angry at me! I have a new routine and I'll explain that in a minute. Let me first explain why I stopped the old routine (I also explained this to Dr. O). First of all, everytime I went to the gym, my back would spasm within the next day or so. I just couldn't handle the pain and the missing work, so I opted instead to start walking 2 miles or more daily. So far this is working out great for me! No back spasms and definite loss of inches if not pounds so much yet. Secondly, with Weight Watchers I was paying $17.95 monthly and not using the online food monitoring all that much. I was following the points, just not inputting it so much. During my internet strolls last week, I came across a site that works very similarly to Weight Watchers, only it monitors calorie intake rather than points. It also works like Facebook, so you have friends on the site and you can cheer one another on. I love it! It's called My Fitness Pal. So far, it is wonderful! If you're trying to lose weight and decide to sign up or are already a member, look me up and add me as a friend! I'm wistfulgirl (naturally :D).

My weight loss goal for starting treatment again is 244 lbs, my goal for making Dr. O happy is 210 lbs and my overall personal goal (long-term) for my weight is 170 lbs. Right now I have set myself a mini-goal of having lost 15 lbs by my next visit with Dr. O on July 14. That would mean I have to be down to 259 lbs by then. I'll stop here and say that my home scales (which I'm using to weigh once a week) register 3 lbs less than Dr. O's scales, but this shouldn't be a problem because my aim is to lose 15 lbs by July 14th and then another 15 lbs by my next visit with him. I'm not really registering by the actual weight so much as by the amount of pounds lost, if that makes any sense.

So, lots to work on for me! I'm going to need your help and support! I don't stay motivated very easily, so I'm depending on you all to help me stay motivated. If I seem to be flagging, please, please give me some words of encouragement and remind me what I'm fighting for! You guys are my cheering squad and I'm really going to need you over the next few months! Let me just tell you...a 1480 calorie per day diet is tough to stick to, lol!

Some Days Are Just Better Off Slept Through

Picture the scene: I'm diligently working away at my desk when a knock comes at my door. The door is flung open by my ex-sister-in-law (who works at the same hospital as I do) who promptly announces she's going to be a nana! Her eldest daughter (half-sister to my niece Boop, but not related to me) is expecting a baby!

Terrible dream, right? In fact, it swiftly sails it's way into nightmare territory! Glad I could wake up from it....

Except, try as I might and despite pinching my arm quite severely, I didn't seem to be waking up. It took me a couple of minutes, but I realised that I wasn't waking up because I wasn't asleep. My ex-SIL actually had flung my door open to announce that her 21-year-old, unmarried, unemployed daughter was 2 months pregnant and she (ex-SIL) was incredibly happy about it and expected me to be overjoyed for her as well.

Guess what? Not so much joy coming from my corner of the room. In fact, I had to restrain myself from clobbering ex-SIL! I could understand her tactlessness had she not been aware of our TTC failure and the failure of our adoption, but she's in full possession of all the details. And, yet, there she was standing in my door and getting more angry at me by the minute for not jumping up and down in exultation.

Frankly, I wanted to slap her and her eldest daughter (come to think of it, my niece was actually not showing a lot of tact either). I can not believe that yet another unprepared youngster in my life is being blessed with a child and The Hubs and I are still struggling. It makes me so incredibly angry.

Explain to me how it is fair for my niece to become an aunt before I get the opportunity to be a mom? It's not. Not at all. It's really effing unfair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room to sulk. And, despite doing so well on my diet and exercise recently, I'm having a baked potato covered in sour cream, cheese and bacon for dinner tonight. I might even have 2. I'll revert to being good tomorrow, but tonight I'm letting disappointment, depression, dispair, hopelessness, bitterness and Provera win.

Valentine's Weekend Plans

The Hubs and I are headed off this morning to Savannah for our Valentine's weekend. What are our plans, you ask? Well, we're going shopping. I know - so not-romantic - but we have to finish our shopping for Vegas and this is a prime opportunity to do so. We will shop today and tomorrow we'll probably go down to River Street and have some fun.

I'm trying not to get/be depressed this weekend. AF is due any day now and it's just one more reminder how far we are from being parents. I know the paths we need to take, but, right now, I don't see how we can clear the rubble in the middle of those paths so that we can move on. I'm starting on the clearing of one of these paths and the other I will begin clearing upon our return from Vegas. And, cryptic though that may seem, I'll explain in more detail in my next post.

I will try to blog from Savannah, but if I don't get an opportunity to do so, I hope you all have a lovely Valentine's weekend!! What are your plans this weekend?

What the Future Holds

I failed miserably on the 30-Day Blogging Challenge. Although I do have an explanation, which I will give you later in this post. I also think I will pick the blogging challenge back up tomorrow.

Tonight, though, I'm just feeling contemplative. I've been this way a lot lately. In fact, I'm not so sure I'd call it so much contemplative as melancholy. I've been been extremely tearful and weepy in recent days (okay, weeks). I keep thinking about what my appointment in October will reveal. Or possibly what the appointment I have coming up this week will show. I know it isn't helpful to feel the way I'm feeling, but I honestly feel like the news I will be getting will be negative. Since the surgery I've been having pain off and on as I would normally have AF-like cramps. Of course, the medication I'm taking prevents AF from coming, so that can't be what it is. What this leads me to believe is that my endometrial lining will prove to simply grow hyperplasic. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but that means that, even if I can make my wonky, PCOS-riven ovaries do what the heck they're supposed to do and the egg they produce can find it's way to the one remaining tube I have (and, since there has been no HSG done yet, who even knows if it's clear and working) and that egg manages to get fertilized, it will never, ever implant. That is my fear right now. It is the only reality I can believe in.

I know this shouldn't mean that the dream of being parents would be over for us, but it does feel that way. Right now, the expense of adoption through an agency is not within our grasp. I'm trying to finish school (which I will do in 2 years) and the Hubs is currently (thanks to the pitiful economic situation we have in place at the moment) working in a job well below his earning potential. However, since he was out of work for 16 months and has only been employed again for 6 months and the job market in our area is beyond wretched, the chances of his job situation changing anytime soon is remote. I have a job where I make good money (at least for this part of the state), but it makes me miserable lately. We're feeling the crunch of the economy at my workplace as well and are currently on a hiring freeze, which means the employee in my parent department (the department I supervise is within this parent department) who is leaving at the end of September will not be replaced. In addition to my job, I will be taking over part of her's and another team member I supervise will be taking over another bit of her job. What this means for me is a significant increase in my work load (read: stress level) and no additional pay.

So, for now, adoption is on hold. I'm also aware that two years (or even three or four) isn't that long a time-frame (I'm probably more aware of this than most people), but when we're talking about waiting for our child, it seems forever. It feels like there would be too many other things that could/would go wrong in the meantime. I see our potential parenthood slipping away, like I can feel the wispy fingers of our child sliding out of mine while a thief stands grinning at me and pulling my child away.

My heart feels heavy and my stomach clenches in fear of the unknown future that awaits us. I don't think my heart could handle not being a mother. In my mind and soul, I already am a mother, I just have no child to mother. The Hubs still holds hope and optimism that we will get good news from the doctor or that things will turn around for us somehow, somewhere. I just don't, at the moment, feel these are realistic dreams.

Sorry for such a self-pitying post. Please forgive me for it.

In answer to where I've been, The Hubs and I are involved with our local Arts and Entertainment Council and we've been in the middle of a production for the last couple of weeks; a beach, blues and boogie themed musical and dancing. It's over now for a while, so I will hopefully be back to blogging some. You see what happens when I'm away.....I go all melancholy and self-pitying on you.

What (the ALI) Community Means To Me

Happy 300th Post, Friday Blog Roundup!
(Picture not taken by me, but isn't it a beautiful cake?!)

Mel's Friday Blog Roundup has reached it's 300th edition! To help her celebrate, she's asked all her readers to write a post about what community - and in particular, the ALI community - means to them. This is my effort for that project.

I'll start with a little background (although most of you already know this).

The Hubs and I met online in August 2000 (the 30th of this month will be our 10 year anniversary!!) and began an online friendship that transpired over a nine month time period to being more than "just friends". In June 2001, The Hubs (who at that time was just "The Boyfriend") made the 9 hour flight to meet me for the first time. Neither of us knew what that meeting would signify for our relationship. We knew that the meeting was a precipice that would either catupult us forward into a future full of the promise of a life together, or it would close the chapter on what would have only been able to be defined as a naive experiment. I'm pleased to report that the former of these options was our outcome, in case you were in any doubt ;D.

But with that meeting and the promise of a loving future came some very harsh realities. We were still several thousand miles (okay, 4637 mile to be exact - what can I say? I'm an internet geek and there was a website I found way back then that would calculate the total miles from one address to another) away from one another on a regular basis. Anyone who has ever been in a long distance relationship knows that all the regular problems any relationship has are magnified when you add in the distance. This led to my first foray into the community of the internet. Heretofore, my only contact with anyone else online had been The Hubs (I met him my very first time on the internet. He is the only person I have ever "chatted" to without having known them in some previous sort of context such as a forum or a blog).

My first non-Hubs community was at Lovingyou.com. Way back in 2001 they had an awesome support group for online and long distance relationships. There I met a host of others who were currently involved with, or had previously been involved with, someone they had met online. And it was there that I met my long-time friends Mrs. B. Thrift at Hawthorn Hill and British American Mom (who, sadly, no longer seems to post to her blog, but whom I do keep up with on Facebook). I love these ladies! They are like family to me. I guess that's what happens when you're friends with someone for so long.

In late 2001/early 2002, the boards at Lovingyou.com subtlely began to change and another frequenter of the board began a Yahoo chat grop, The Online Wives Club. This opened up a whole new community and a whole new group of friends. It was there that I became good friends with Moonflower Child (the group's founder) and Ace's Wyf, again, ladies I am still very good friends with to this day.

Later that same year (after my move to England and my official engagement to The Hubs), several of us in the group discovered the medium of blogging and opened our own blogs. My very first blog, Ponderings From The Crazy American, was my own little corner of the net devoted to notating the changes in my life since moving to England, complaining about the things I didn't like, praising the things I did and providing my family with news of my comings and goings. It also opened a whole new world of community to me and allowed me to make new friends who, although they no longer have blogs, I still am in contact with via Facebook.

My second blog, Moonlight Ponderings, started in 2004 and continued on through our return back to the USA in 2006. After we'd been back for about 10 months or so, I stopped blogging. Nothing really seemed to be happening. We had started trying for a family on our first wedding anniversary, but we didn't share this with anyone. Neither of us wanted to admit to our families something we knew they would discourage and neither of us wanted to admit that, what we felt should be a simple thing to accomplish, wasn't happening. All the friends I had made in the communities I had been a part of were starting families of their own and I was being left behind. It felt more sensible to withdraw to myself for a while. There were sporadic moments of starting to blog again, but they were few and far between.

Then, in 2008, we decided to begin TTC in earnest. It wasn't until nearly a year later that I decided to begin blogging again full-time. At that point, I googled "TTC blogs" and stumbled across the former blog of K at QWaiting for Sunflower. I left her a comment and, within minutes, she had responded back and directed me towards the greatest gift I have found since that long ago day I stumbled onto Lovingyou.com. She sent me off to the headquarters of the IF world, Stirrup Queens. It was such a relief to find somewhere I finally belonged again. Somewhere I fit in. And not only did I fit in, but I no longer felt alone.

What does the ALI community mean to me? It means seeing my past, my present and my future all meeting at one place. It means being linked to where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm headed and being able to interact with others in those places. I can offer support to those who are where I've been. I can wait and analyze and sympathize with those who are where I am now. I can look forward and get a grasp of where I will be, what my options are and why what we choose will work for us, all from the view of those who have gone before me and who are there to offer their hand, their heart and their head in support of my choices.

The Past

A Mum @ Heart - A friend from years ago who also met her spouse online and a fellow PCOSer who just started this TTC game early this year.

The F-Bomb - Been trying for two years, but wanting to avoid medical treatments. Tired of hearing "Just relax and it will happen." My kind of girl!

Savor The Moment - Possible PCOS diagnosis, a year of TTC, still no baby. Desperately wanting to be parents.

Someday, maybe I can offer support or advice to these ladies or others like them.

The Present

Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic - Another PCOSer. Married just one year less than me, trying just one year less than me. Still that BFP is elusive.

Only one for this category, but still, so close to my situation it's frightening.

The Future

No Lingerie Here - I love Kelly's blog! And it makes me so hopeful for what the future may bring.

Waiting for Sunflower - K is a fellow PCOSer who overcame the obstacles and is now parenting!

I Can Haz Bebe? - After much heartache (and a similar situation to one we had early this year), Bon is now parenting her little girl through international adoption!

Her Womb, Our Hearts - Mama J and Hubby have just been matched with a birthmother!! I'm so excited for them and am praying everything goes smoothly for them.

Hopes, Dreams and New Beginnings - Sweet Pea and her hubby made the tough decision to live child-free. I hope if we ever have to make this decision, she'll be there for me to talk to - and I know she will. She's that kind of lady.

This is a much larger category because I just don't know where we'll wind up. I don't know what our future holds. But I am very glad it holds this community that I can lean on and turn to for advice, that I can offer advice when needed and be the shoulder for someone else to cry on in their darkest moments. I love my community!

Post-Op RE Visit Review

I went yesterday for my post-op visit with the RE. Since I was feeling pretty good and having no problems, he did not do a physical exam. However, we did go over the findings, review my medical chart to date and make plans.

The findings of the D&C were not exactly what we were hoping for. While there were no cancerous cells present (thankfully), the endo.metrium did not present as expected. My RE explained that generally when he does a D&C there is a lot of tissue present when scraped (sorry to be so blunt), however, this was not the case with me. Despite the prescence of Complex Hyper.plasia, there was very little tissue scraped away. This leads him to theorize that I may be at a higher risk of developing endo.metrial cancer and we will need to be hypervigilant. Then we discussed treatment for the hyper.plasia, which I'll go over when I get to our plans.

The next part of the visit was reviewing my medical chart to date. Below is a list of the biggest ticket items:

1. Complex Hyper.plasia - This is the biggest one for the moment. As discussed above, it is giving us some worries.
   
2. Sleep Apnea - A problem, but one that is currently being taken care of with the use of a C-Pap machine and pulmonologist care.
   
3. In.sulin Res.istance - Though we've known about this one for a while, when tested it seems that my IR is now worse than previously thought.
   
4. Slight Thy.roid Condition - My TSH levels were all okay, but the thyroid anti-bodies were very high. This is something I will eventually go on medication for, but for now we're letting it ride a bit.
   
5. Probable Blood Pressure Issues - Yup. Got to see my GP about this one and see what we can sort out. Yay - more meds! *sarcasm*
   
6. Rheuma.tolgy Consult - This is another of those items that has been put on the back burner for now. I have pretty serious arthritis in my lower joints and carpal tunnel in my arms. I get gout flare ups pretty often as well. We'll look at this after we've put the hyper.plasia a little more to rest.
   
7. Ann.ovulation - This is a biggie for me, but not one we'll worry about for the next three months.
   

Those are the things we're working against and I can't swear I haven't left anything out!

For the foreseeable future, though, our main concern is preventing the hyper.plasia from coming back/getting worse. Therefore, I have been put on a medication - Me.gace - every day for the next 3 months. This should prevent me from ovulating (as if I need help with that!) or having AF during this time period. At the end of 3 months, we'll do another Endo.metrial Bi.opsy to determine if things look okay or if my endo.metrium is once again hyper.plaisic. If things are clear, then we can move on to actual fertility treatment. But, if things still look bad, we'll have to step back and reconsider our plans to decide where to go from there.

I'm asking you all to say a little prayer for me. I really am hoping things are good when we do the second bi.opsy in a few months. In the meantime, The Hubs and I (okay, more me) are going to try to relax and try not to obsess about TTC so much, since we're in a holding pattern for now. I'm going to try to relax and focus on some other things that are going on in my life for now.

Who knows? Maybe I'll even succeed in doing that ;D

After the Biopsy

I had my endo.metrial bi.opsy yesterday. The procedure itself went fine. It was a little painful, but I had my trusty Dem.orol and Xa.nax to get me through it and it was bearable. I was a little out of it (obviously), so I spent most of the afternoon (including the two hour drive home) asleep.

This evening about 6:15 (while I was still at work doing my standard unrequired overtime), my mobile rang. I looked at it and it was the RE's phone number, so I answered it. It was actually the doctor himself calling. What he had to tell me was the results of my bi.opsy. While it wasn't terrible news (no cancer, thank goodness), it wasn't good news either. He told me I have Complex Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia without atypical cells. What this means, he explained, is that I am two steps before cancer. Based on the bi.opsy, there are no pre-cancerous cells, but he wants to be completely certain there is nothing lurking unseen. Therefore, he has decided, with my consent, that we will move forward with a D&C.

My appointment with the pulm.onologist tomorrow will also act as the pre-op clearance. He needs her okay to go ahead with anesthesia if I do have sleep ap.nea and for my asthma. He said he thought the procedure would be done outpatient, but he would need her okay that I wouldn't need to stay overnight and he also wants to make sure she will be in town so as to be on-call in case of an emergency.

His plan for after the D&C was for me to take Pro.vera to bring AF on, then at the end of that cycle he'll do another D&C, then I'll start what he called a "Pro.vera Regimen" where I take the meds for 3 or 4 months straight to start AF. We'll then probably do another bi.opsy to see where we are.

This wasn't the news I was hoping for. I was hoping everything would come back okay and we could move forward with TTC. However, it is important to me be sure we nip this in the bud before it turns into something much worse. The way he described it, there are 6 stages from a healthy endo.metrium to cancer. The first is a clear endo.metrium without any thickening; the second is slight thickening; the third is Simple Endo.metrial Hyperplasia; the fourth is Complex Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia without atypical cells; the fifth is Complex Endo.metrial Hyper.plasia with atypical cells; and, finally, Endo.metrial cancer. As you can tell, I'm at the fourth stage. The scary thing is that 21 months ago when my OB/GYN did this procedure, I was only in the second stage. Basically, the endo.metrium is thickening at an alarming pace. This is also the reason behind his urgency to go ahead with the D&C.

I have to admit - I'm a little scared. This news is devestating to me. Granted, it's not anywhere near as bad as it could have been, but it certainly was a shock and a punch in the gut. I hate the thought of the surgeries (albeit minor procedures) to come and I'm scared what they may find. I know these fears are irrational, but that's where I'm at right now.

I need your prayers and/or thoughts. I'll be speaking to his PA tomorrow to make the arrangements and I'll stop by to let you know what's happening as soon as I have some definites. Thanks for your support!

And She Emerges....

...with a sheepish grin. Hi. I'm Lynn. You might remember me from such blogs as this one.

Okay, sorry I've been MIA lately. I honestly have been so busy I haven't known if I was coming or going, but I did want to stop by and let you all know I was okay and what I have learned this month.

First off, not all of my absenteeism has been IF related. Work has been super crazy! I am trying to get a new staff member in our area because we really need it! The small amount of time I took off for my doctor's visits and time taken off by my colleague to care for sick children has put our department behind and we are fighting to get caught back up, but the work is coming in at a rate we can't keep up with! Please say a prayer that we can get the new member of staff we so desperately need.

Moving on....the stuff you've been waiting for.....IF progress and bloodwork findings. I have been off Met.formin now for about 3 weeks. So far, so good. My sugar has been slightly elevated, but nothing too terrible. It has been manageable. On the weight loss front, I'm doing okay. I've lost maybe a couple of pounds and, while I haven't completely cut carbs from my diet, I have cut them back considerably. The magnesium supplements don't really seem to have done much for my headaches. I still have pretty bad ones. I'll discuss that with my RE when I see him next. My appointment with the pulmonologist is scheduled for June 9. It will be a consultation for a sleep study and I'll probably get an order to have a pulmonary function test done as well.

Onto bloodwork. All of my bloodwork has now come back (still some to do for The Hubs, but that will come in July). My sugar levels were okay (of course, I'd been on Met.formin for some time when the blood was drawn, so that may have contributed to that), but my triglycerides were very high. My uric acid levels were slightly elevated and I have had gout before, so that is consistent. My TSH levels were fine, as they always are, so would seem to be no suspect for thy.roid problems except.....my TPO (thy.roid perox.idase) levels which are supposed to be under 35 were actually 871!!! For anyone who doesn't know much about this test, this means that the number of antibodies fighting against my thy.roid should be under 35 but there are actually 871, so that means there are some serious thy.roid issues! I haven't started thy.roid medication yet, but it's coming soon. My RE seemed a bit concerned about this and said there was an auto.immune disease present (probably Hash.imoto's or Ord's Disease). The blood test for MTHFR came back positive for heterozygous MTHFR, so we can chaulk up one more problem to add into my already overflowing barrell. And, last but not least, two pro.gesterone draws have indicated levels below 0.7, so this means I will be having another en.dome.trial biopsy done on Monday, June 7. Woo-hoo for me! (I'm sorry, did that sound sarcastic?)

All in all, not the greatest results, but at least we now have more of an idea what we're up against. I'll be able to tell you more (hopefully) after the biopsy on Monday. My RE wants to do one more pro.gesterone test on Monday morning, then Monday afternoon he'll do the biopsy. Fun. At least I've already carried the prescription for my little medication cocktail to the pharmacy to be filled in preparation for the procedure.

Now, moving onto other important things, in lieu of all that has been going on this month (and the fact I haven't yet gotten the June list for Secret Pals up), I'm thinking that this month I won't open the list, but will start it again for July. Those of you who participated in May can carry on celebrating the Pal you had for May throughout June and those wanting to participate can sign up when I open the July list in a couple of weeks. Anyone have any objections to this arrangement? If so, please let me know and I'll reconsider what to do.

In concluding this post, I'll tell you a bit about our Memorial Day and leave you with a photo first. The Hubs and I decided to go to the beach for the day. We didn't wear swimsuits or carry them, because we had no real intention of going in the water. Why then, you may ask, did we go to the beach? Well, despite living most of my life on the coast (well, a couple of hours away), I have never been to the beach. I can't swim and, so, it's never really been a big thing for me. But, The Hubs, being the great guy he is, wanted me to experience it. So, we headed off for Savannah, had a fantastically delicious meal at the Indian restaurant (Pakwan) at the mall (not only was the food great, but it was very inexpensive! we had a lunch buffett each and the total cost - with tip - came to only $25!), and then we headed for the beach! While The Hubs did not go into the water, I did wade a bit. It was my first venture into the ocean. So, on that note, I leave you with a photo most have made when they are small children, but for me came at the grand old age of 31.

RE Apointment and Some Fun

Had my appointment this past Wednesday with the RE. First off, I have to say I really, really liked him! He's got just the right attitude for me - not too forceful, but not a pushover either.

The first part of the visit went as expected. We did a baseline ultrasound, which showed a cyst on my left ovary. He was unsure if this cyst is a "workable" cyst (i.e. it will dissolve on its own either in ovulation or just a normal cyst some women get in cycles) or a "non-workable" cyst, such as the one I had removed 3 years ago. He said we would definitely monitor and see what is happening with it. He measured my endometrium and said it was of a good thickness, but it looked cloudy/snowy on the u/s as if I were on CD21 rather than CD11 as I actually was on. He ordered a progesterone draw to see where I actually was in my cycle since I had taken Pro.vera to bring this cycle on.

Now, onto his recommendations. He approached things a little differently than I had thought, but still covered most of the same items. He stated that his first agenda was to get me healthy. Right now, he's concerned that I wouldn't be healthy enough to carry a baby. He said there would likely be problems for me and for the baby as well. Therefore, his first order of business was to refer me to a pulmonologist for an evaluation for asthma and sleep apnea (as suspected). That was what I expected, so nothing unusual there. My appointment with the pulmonologist will be on June 9.

The next thing he discussed was my chronic headaches/migraines. I had thought he would send me for an MRI, but instead he told me that recent research had suggested that women who suffered from migraines often had a magnesium deficiency, so his recommendation was to start a special supplement of magnesium (it has some other things in it and they gave it to me in the office as it can only be ordered online and is not available in stores). I'm to take one in the morning with food and one in the evening with food for two weeks, then one in the morning with food and two in the evening with food. I'm also to keep a record of any headaches I have.

Next, he told me he wanted me to stop taking Met.formin for six weeks and monitor my blood sugar very closely so he could diagnose insulin resistance or diabetes himself. So far my sugar has been running very slightly high, but nothing scary. I'm also to monitor my blood pressure closely, as he will probably be sending me to my regular GP to start blood pressure medication. He suspects I have hyper.tension and he doesn't want to risk that getting worse with a pregnancy. That, sadly, is running pretty high.

The next order of business was to discuss all the bloodwork he wanted me to have done. On Wednesday, I had two large vials of blood drawn, then on Thursday I had four more of the large vials and three medium-sized vials drawn. I still have another lab to be drawn - the one testing for MTHFR - but I had to be sure my insurance would pay for it because it is an extremely expensive lab! I'll be having that one drawn sometime this week, hopefully. Some of the bloodwork has already come back (the benefits of working in a hospital - I checked for the labs that were already back) and my triglycerides are high (surprise, surprise), my white blood count is slightly elevated, my red blood count is slightly low and my uric acid levels are elevated (I feel a gout attack is probably coming soon - I truly had that!). Once I find out more, I'll let you know those.

Our other discussions were about doing an HSG after all the bloodwork came back and he was satisfied with that, as well as another endometrial biopsy. He has already given me a prescription for a drug pack to get me throught he biopsy, which is definitely an improvement over the first time I had it done (Dr. Bashful told me it wouldn't hurt at all and there was no need for me to take anything - not even any Tyl.enol or Ale.ve), so I'm not dreading it too much. The Hubs will be having another SA done. Again, we aren't too worried about that as his first one had a count of 76 million, motility of 70% the first 3 hours and morphology of 80%. Our RE said he was dubious of a morphology of 80% because the "normal" man only had a morphology of 7 to 8%, so not really sure about that (he did say his research was more experimental than some in this area). After The Hubs is added to my insurance in July, he will also be seeing a pulmonologist to check his lungs as well as, when he had his physical for immigrating from England, his lung x-ray showed some nodules on his lung and he was sent to a specialist before they could okay his visa. Fortunately, it was only scar tissue from having bronchitis when he was younger.

There was also the mention of weight loss (although, to his credit, of the two and a half our appointment less than five minutes was spent on discussing weight loss and he said he knew it was very difficult for those with insulin resistance). We talked about diet and exercise and he also mentioned that lap band surgery was an option. The Hubs and I decided that for now I would try diet and exercise again. I'm really not enthused about the idea of surgery for weight loss. I've heard some good things about it, but I've heard more bad, so that will be a last resort. The Hubs and I are going to try the Sou.th Bea.ch Diet and see how that works for us.

I think I've remembered everything from the appointment. If I remember anything else, I'll post about it. It certainly is a lot to take in in a short period of time!

Now for the fun stuff. I have tried three times previously to complete a project of taking a self-portrait of myself every day for a year. I have failed this task three times, lol. So, I decided I would try once more and, maybe with your help, I can complete it. I thought this would be a great year to complete the project and hopefully I'll get the opportunity to take some pregnancy photos of myself. I would appreciate any comments you make and definitely any suggestions of photo ideas! You can view my year in photos at Wistfulgirl in 365-D. Hope you enjoy it!

A Kick In The Teeth

I'm sorry I still don't have the April Secret Pal revelations ready. I'll try to have it ready soon.

I've made an awful discovery. In anticipation of my appointments with the RE over the next couple of weeks, I called the office of the surgeon who performed my surgery 3 years ago to request the medical records so I could carry those with me to the appointments. For those who don't know, I went in for a routine gallbladder removal 3 years ago, only to have the surgeon find an enormous cyst on my right ovary. They removed more than 2 litres of fluid from the cyst before removing it from my ovary. After the surgery, I told the surgeon The Hubs and I were trying to start a family and asked if the surgery would have a negative impact on our fertility. He told me it should have no effect on our TTC, that he had only removed a cyst.

After receiving the medical records yesterday (one of the perks of working at a hospital is that doctors' offices will go ahead and send you medical records without having to wait), I was reviewing them out of interest when I came across this paragraph in the surgical pathology report "Specimen consists of a 62.2 gram previously sectioned cystic mass, 10.5 x 9.3 x 5.0 cm. The external surface is smooth and gray-tan. The interior lining is gray pink and smooth without papillatory excrescences. The wall vaires from 0.1 to 0.3 cm in greatest dimension. There is a 4.4 cm in greatest dimension fallopian tube terminating with fimbria."

Wait a minute. What the heck?!?!

Yes, you, like I, read that right. It seems that, in removing the giant cyst, the surgeon also removed my right fallopian tube! And more importantly, never thought it important enough to tell me this!

I feel devestated and hollow inside. I know it's not impossible for us to conceive with only one fallopian tube, but I also know it makes it a lot more difficult! Particularly when you add my PCOS into the mix.

And I think the worst part is that I feel violated by someone I trusted. This surgeon is the same one who cared for my Dad for 10 weeks 4 years ago when we thought he was going to die. He has felt like part of our family since that time. And, yet, he lied to me. He didn't just fail to impart a pivotal bit of information to me - he actively lied to me when I asked him about any potential negative effect on our infertility! It is like a punch in the gut. And I feel like the last almost two years of treatment with my GYN have been wasted, both in time and monetary value.

The Hubs and I have talked and have decided we will wait and see what the RE has to say about the situation when we see him. I'm hoping he will suggest an HSG so that we can determine if the other tube is open and also see if there is any damage to my uterus or ovary. If there is any damage, I hate to say it, but I feel we will seriously have to look at whether it is sensible to bring a malpractice suit against the surgeon. Not because I lost the tube (although I do feel the fact I wasn't informed of this constitutes malpractice), but if there is other damage, I can't just let it pass.

For now, I'm going to hope there is no more damage to my reproductive system and that we can put this mess behind us and move onto the next treatment. I'm trying to take some breathing time to process, but right now it feels like too much to bear.

That Time of the Month Again!

Now, I bet you thought I was going to say AF had finally showed up, right? Nope! But it is time for IComLeavWe again! So welcome to the visitors and regulars alike!

A bit about me: I'm Lynn, 31 years old, married to The Hubs for 7 1/2 years, two furbabies (really four, but two of them live with my mom), no kids, PCOS sufferer, 6 1/2 total years of TTC, 1 1/2 of those on medicated cycles, no pregnancies, one failed adoption, enough cynicism for a lifetime, first visits with RE planned for May 5th (work-up with PA) and May 12th (with Dr. to get recommendations and plan).

Want non-IF related details about me? Work in a hospital full-time as the supervisor of central scheduling/insurance verification, like my job but would really like to teach language arts or history, working on my BASS Ed, maintaining a 4.0 GPA after a year and a half, recently inducted into the Honors Society at my university, love to cook, am a Certified Catering Specialist but never wanted to do it as a profession, love to read, love to write, love music (especially classic rock), adore singing, think the Beatles, the Doors, the Who and Fleetwood Mac are the greatest musicians ever, love to scrapbook, love to crochet, think Rob Pattinson is the sexiest man alive (only because Jim Morrison is dead), long to one day produce the novel I know is bursting to get out but so far hasn't found the right outlet, would love to get involved in a charity helping underprivileged families, am a Republican through and through with a true dislike for the current president (sorry if you like him! no offense to you but I just don't care for the man), am a serious animal lover (although I'm not a vegetarian - I know, I know!), love to make friends, love to blog (but don't manage it as often as I'd like), lived in England for 3 1/2 years, love my British husband whom I met online dearly and long to be a mother more than anything else in the world.

There, I think that about covers it. If you want to know more about me, feel free to have a plunder through my archives.

Now I have a favor to ask of you, my lovely readers. I am currently collecting recipes for a fundraising cookbook compilation to help fund our fertility treatment and/or adoption fund. If you would like to contribute a recipe, please email me at wistful (dot) girl (at) gmail (dot) com. Please include the recipe and a short blurb about yourself and how you know me. Any contributions you make will be greatly appreciated!

As a thank you for all your contributions in advance, I will leave you with a horrifying yet strangely hilarious anecdote about my day. As stated earlier, I work in a hospital, albeit in an office where my contact with patients is mainly via the telephone. I do, however, have an enormous window to the outside in the office I share with my co-worker. Today we were both sat at my desk discussing a work related matter when we noticed a male patient standing outside our window right by the entrance to the hospital. Said patient had rolled his IV pole outside so he could smoke a cigarette. What had caught our attention was that he kept leaning close to our window and peering into our window. I must pause here to denote that our window has a black out tint over it, meaning that, while we can see out quite clearly, seeing in is not possible. So, to this patient, it appeared to be an empty room. My co-worker and I concluded our coversation and she rolled back over to her desk and picked up her phone, turning her back to the window. I returned to my computer screen with the window behind and to the left of me. Suddenly, I noticed a shadow cover the window. I turned to see what the patient was doing only to find him relieving himself right outside my window! And I mean it was all hanging out! Right outside the entrance to the hospital with patients coming and going and in full view of our office! I was horrified! I spun around and screamed "He's peeing!" My co-worker looked at me as if I had lost my mind and asked me what my problem was. I explained to her what I had witnessed and we both had horrified hysterics. The rest of my day was spent trying to forget the image that is now forever burned into my head.

Go on. Laugh. You aren't the first to do that today! Hope you have a fabulous week!

Latest Tidbits

I have a few bits of news to share!

Meet Up with Kym and Alana

Yesterday was the day Kym, Alana and I met up. We had a great time! It was wonderful to get to chat with them in person and I can hardly wait for our next meeting this summer! Til then, here are some photos for you to enjoy:


Kym smiling beautifully.


Alana with her amazing smile! Not sure what was happening with the lighting here. We couldn't figure it out.


Kym and Alana


Alana and I


The Girls


Kym and I

After our meet up yesterday, I was feeling inspired, so I got some of the photos printed and decided to do a bit of scrapbooking. I haven't scrapbooked in quite a while, so it was a blast to get back into it! Here are my results:


First Page I worked on.


And the other page. Whatcha' think?

Cycle Update

I'm currently on my sixth day of Pro.vera. Still no AF, but if I remember the last time I took it correctly, AF didn't show up until two days after I took the last pill. That time Dr. Bashful had only prescribed 10 days worth of tablets, but this time she's given me twenty days worth. I think I'm going to only take it for 10 days and then see what happens. That way I have a stash for the next time I fail to O. Which hopefully won't be for a very long time.

RE Referral Update

I received a call on Thursday from the RE's office! I now have my appointment date! We will see the PA on May 5th and then on May 12th, we'll go back for an appointment with the RE himself to give us his recommendations and the game plan we'll be working with. I am super excited about the appointment! Maybe we'll actually get somewhere with TTC now. If Pro.vera does its job, I should start AF either Friday or Saturday (hopefully) this week, which would put me at CD 13 on May 5th and CD20 on May 12th. I'm praying that I can talk the RE into doing a trigger shot at one of these appointments. I really hope we make some headway soon!

I think that gets you up-to-date with me! Going to try to make a few blog rounds now, so I'll post again later!

The Countdown Begins....

I finally took another HPT this morning and it was (obviously) negative. I knew it would be after my 0 beta last week (Zero doubled any number of times still just equals zero), but I thought I would just be sure. After confirming the negative, I called Nurse Happy and let her know. I asked for Dr. Bashful to prescribe Pro.vera and then asked to do another Fe.mara cycle with a trigger shot and asked for them to actually go ahead and do the RE referral (as you may recall, they held off this cycle because they wanted to see what the results would be. Turns out the results were a probable anovulatory cycle). They agreed to the Pro.vera and the Fe.mara cycle and will be doing the RE referral. However, apparently Dr. Bashful can't (read won't) do a trigger shot. She said that would have to come from the RE. Therefore, we'll be doing another Fe.mara cycle, but I don't know if I'll actually O (again). Maybe I will or maybe (just maybe) we'll get enormously lucky and get into the RE in time to get the trigger for O, but I'm not hugely optimistic.

Having said that, I start Pro.vera tonight! I'll be glad to let her bully my body into doing what it is supposed to do. I know it will be a painful AF (who of us is actually a novice to the Pro.vera bully?), but I'm hoping it will actually get things started well for us. The countdown to AF is now on!

As is the countdown to my RE appointment. I'm feeling a little excited!

Waiting Game

I still haven't O'd yet, so on Wednesday I called and spoke to Nurse Happy. I asked her if there was anything I needed to do. I am petrified of the follies turning into cysts instead of doing what they're supposed to do. She told me not to panic because the "24 to 72 hours until O" was only a guesstimate and that we should just continue doing our "homework". She said Dr. Bashful had reviewed the u/s and seen lots of good looking follies (more than I had been told about), so she felt very good about this cycle.

Since I had not yet received a call about my RE appointment I also asked Nurse Happy about it. She said that Dr. Bashful wanted to hold off on the referral until we see how this cycle turns out. She reiterated that Dr. Bashful feels very good about this cycle. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping she's right!

The Hubs and I are off on date night tonight. The plan is to go to the cinema to see Remember Me, the new Rob Pattinson flick. I'm really excited, as you all know of my HUGE crush on Rob Pattinson. I know, I know....I'm sad really, but that's okay! The Hubs understands ;D I'll try to put a review up on At The Movies With Wistfulgirl tomorrow.

Tonight is kind of in celebration of The Hubs' birthday which was this past Wednesday, but we're planning to go away next weekend to really celebrate. His birthday was very low-key on the actual day with the exception that his office bought him a cake and card. I got him a card, but he didn't want a present. He said, instead, he would prefer to save the money and do something special while we're away. I'm looking forward to next weekend!

I actually have something that I'd like to rant about, but I'm not sure who's reading this blog and I want to be able to throw my tantrum and get it out without it coming back to bite me in the you-know-what. So, for now (because if Blogger allows you to password protect a single post, I don't know how to do it), I'll refrain. It's nothing to do with anyone or anything online. It's a personal thing. I just get so darn frustrated with people in my life sometimes!

Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

Random Tidbits

Last week after The Hubs got his new job, we decided to reinstate our weekly date night. So, last Friday night The Hubs and I went to the movies to see Shutter Island and last night we saw Alice in Wonderland in 3-D. I really enjoyed both movies, but, in addition, I decided if we were going to be going to the cinema more often again, I would finally start my movie review blog. So, if you're interested to see my thoughts on either of these movies (along with recommendations!), please visit At The Movies With Wistfulgirl.

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I'm on CD18 now, 3 days past my monitoring u/s and still have no temp rise indicating O. I'm getting a little worried. I know that's silly because Lovely Ultrasound Tech Lady saw the follie and the egg, but I just worry that it will turn into a cyst and not release the egg. I'm so used to being disappointed that I won't be able to relax any until I get a confirmed temp rise. Who am I kidding?! Like I'll really relax during the 2ww? Yeah, right!

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Something that will keep me busy during the 2ww (assuming it ever gets here!) is the project I'm involved with at work. I've not really been able to get around to visiting my bloggy buds lately because it's taking up so much of my time, both work time and personal time.

Without going into too many identifying details, we are about to undergo a HUGE change at our hospital. It will completely change the way one process is enacted. I am heading up this change, since technically it was my idea.

I was in a meeting a few months ago and someone mentioned we needed a new system for handling this certain process. So, being me, after the meeting I wrote down my thoughts on how the process could be changed. The next time this committee meeting was held, I presented my thoughts to the committee (of which I am a part) and to our CEO. They all loved the idea and wanting to implement it. Which is fantastic! Except that they then handed it back to me and said "Sort it out and tell us when you're starting it"!

Now, this project is the reason for my promotion and pay raise, so I'm not complaining about it. I'm grateful to be given the opportunity and to have the trust put into me. It's just that it is taking a lot of my time and I am exhausted! The start date for the new project is April 5th, so between now and then I will be a lax commentor. After we start, the next couple of months will probably also be just as hectic, but I'm hoping I'll be able to get back to visiting my friends' more frequently. In the meantime, please forgive me! I still love ya'll!

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Funny story I forgot to tell you all about a meal out The Hubs and I had while we were away for my audition a couple of weeks ago. We had decided to go to the Hard Rock Cafe for our evening meal. It was a Saturday in Atlanta, so we expected the restaurant to be hopping and we knew we'd have a wait. We were told our wait would be about 45 to 50 minutes. We said that would be fine. So we waited. And waited.

Finally, after about 2 hours, we were led to our table. I was not in the greatest of tempers by this time. I don't mind waiting, but don't lie to me about how long we'll be waiting! Just give it to me straight and I'll be okay with that. So I was a bit unhappy when our unnaturally peppy waitress came to take our order.

The Hubs ordered his drink and then I ordered mine. "Can I get a pina colada?" I asked. Now, it's not often I have a drink. I'm not totally against drinking, but this was CD4 and it had been a long day and we'd had a long wait and we were having a break and I just thought "Bugger it! I'm having a pina colada!"

"Sure!" answers our waitress. "Can I see your ID?!"

Again, I'm not stupid. I know places that serve alcohol are supposed to card you, but it had been a long day! I had left my ID at the hotel, 3 blocks away.

"Um...I actually forgot my ID. But I'm 31 years old. I can give you my date of birth!"

"Hmm?! I'm not sure?! I'll have to get our manager and ask him!"

"Okay," said I. "That's fine. If he needs any information, I'll be glad to answer any questions he has."

"Okay!" answered our waitress. Off she goes. Ten minutes later she walks back by. "I can't seem to locate the manager! Would you like to keep waiting?!"

The Hubs still did not have his drink at this point, so I said no and asked for a tea instead. A few minutes later she brought out our drinks.

"I still can't find the manager! Do you want to keep waiting?!" I thought I had already answered that question.

"No. I'll just stick with the tea, thanks. Could we order now please?" So we ordered and a little while later we got our food.

The food was very good and I'm not upset that the waitress carded me, but I asked The Hubs and I ask you now - do I really look like a teenager?!?! If so, I'm extremely pleased, lol! And our waitress was really too incredibly peppy for my taste!

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I guess I've rambled enough for tonight! I'm off now to get food and watch telly with The Hubs! Love to you all, my bloggy pals!

And the Ultrasound Revealed.....

.....two decent follies and one extremely promising one! I'm incredibly pleased!

So the appointment started off with the usual weight and blood pressure check. I've lost another 2 pounds so that's great! Then the nurse (who is not my favorite and shall from here on out be called Nurse Grumpy - my favorite nurse, who I didn't get to see today, I will call Nurse Happy) sent me back to the waiting room because all the rooms were full. It was really busy today. About 20 minutes later, Nurse Grumpy called me back.

I got settled into my room and waited. And waited. And waited some more. They were incredibly busy! Finally, my doctor (who I shall now call Dr. Bashful - she's this amazingly lovely Indian doctor, but she's very quiet. Btw, I'm kind of sticking with the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs theme for now) came in to see me and spoke to me briefly. She asked me if I felt like I had been ovulating. I told her that I had had some pain, but that I wasn't really very optimistic because the OPK's I'd been taking had shown a very light control line but a completely stark white test line. Dr. Bashful said she wanted me to do the ultrasound anyway and see what it showed. I also told her The Hubs had found employment and that we were now ready for our RE referral, so she got Nurse Happy started on that (although I didn't get to see or speak to her). Dr. Bashful then led me back into the hall to wait. A couple of minutes later my favorite ultrasound tech (now to be known as Lovely Ultrasound Tech Lady - what? The streak had to end somewhere! I was running out of dwarves!) came to retrieve me from the hallway and she led me into the ultrasound room.

When we got in there, she handed me the paper blanket and said with a smile "you know the drill", then she left the room while I got out of my pants and undies. Momentarily she returned and we got started. She asked me if I was still taking Clo.mid and I told her no, that we had tried Fe.mara this cycle, but I didn't think it had worked. Again, I explained the negative OPK's to Lovely Ultrasound Tech Lady and that I wasn't going to be too disappointed when the u/s showed no follies. Her response? "Well, that's good, but I hate to disappoint you. You've got about 8 follies on the left ovary - although only two of them are of a measurable size. They are 1.3 cm and 1.5 cm, so kind of small, but still large enough they can continue to grow and ovulate." Then she smiled really big and said "Oh and you have a really, really good looking one on the right ovary. It measures at 3.8 cm and there's a little white thing in it. That's the egg. You should expect to ovulate within the next 24 to 72 hours, so you know what your homework is!"

I couldn't believe it! I really didn't expect any follies and to have 3 possibles and one of those being 3.8 cm?! On the right ovary?! During all the time we've done treatment, since I had the cyst removed from my right ovary, I've never had a follie from that side at all. So I'm extremely excited about this one and really impressed with Fe.mara!

Now, we just BD like crazy for the next few days and then cross fingers and pray for a miracle in two weeks time! Please say a prayer for us and cross your fingers and toes!

Btw, The Hubs is currently working on getting all the Secret Pal emails out. You should have them tonight or tomorrow night at the latest!

A Quick Note

Just a short note to let those of you who signed up for March Secret Pals know that I haven't forgotten you! Barring anything unforeseen deterring my path, you should have your pals tonight. I'm sorry they're late! I had gotten tied up with something at work that's been taking all my spare time (including over this past weekend) but, with the help of The Hubs, I should have them out to you tonight!

Also, I have my ultrasound this afternoon to see if the Fe.mara has produced any follies. I hope they see several, but my OPK's haven't showed anything on the test line yet. Not even a shadow of a line. It's completely stark white apart from the control line. I don't know if this means I'm not going to O or if the tests just don't work for me. Guess I'll know more this afternoon!

In the 2WW

I'm officially in my first 2WW post-Clomid, as our first cycle was annovulatory and the second one we thought we were going to be adopting, so we prevented. I'm 8DPO today and I keep finding myself obsessing about any possible symptom.

I don't want to be like this. I want to understand that it hasn't happened in 6 years and it probably won't happen this cycle. I want to understand, not because I have no faith, but because I don't want to suffer the pain that will come with either that BFN or AF's arrival. I want to get beyond the pain.

I envy those who've found the numbness, I honestly do. I would give anything to feel numb and not know the pain that awaits when it all falls through. Or to be back in those early days when it was exciting and it seemed a real possibility.

Now, though, I can't escape the hope, even though with every passing minute I'm more and more aware of how slim the possibility of a BFP is.

The Hubs wants us to wait until Christmas Day to test. By that time I'll be 18DPO and if AF hasn't arrived then, I guess that would mean we were the p-word. I don't think we'll make it there. I want to test early - I always want to know. I want to wait - Its what The Hubs wants and I want to give him that. I want Christmas to be beautiful and a BFP would do that - I just don't trust it to happen.

I feel very confused and emotional, which probably means I'm PMSing. Wonderful.

Affording TTC

A friend of mine recently wrote to discuss beginning TTC. She is also a sufferer of PCOS and, after following our progress for the last few years, was beginning to worry of the passing time and getting older (she's in her mid-twenties).

While discussing the pros and cons of beginning TTC, she mentioned one of her worries being that her DH was currently out of work. As many of you know, The Hubs has also been struggling in our fledgling economy and the question arose "what criteria makes it a good time to TTC and what indicates the wrong time?".

For us, it was a question of which was more important: the possibility of The Hubs remaining out of work beyond the birth of a child to call our own (via conception or adoption or stork delivery or however we achieved that feat) or the definite slipping away of the fertile (supposedly) years we have remaining. It was an easy decision for us. While we hope not to have to test the theory, we both felt we would be able to make it work even if The Hubs was out of work.

The additional expenses brought on with a child are great and I am by no means trying to kid myself differently. However, if The Hubs were still out of work, there would be no child-care expense. He would be able to watch the baby. Also, we hope to cloth diaper so, while there would be an initial expense for the diapers and an expense as the baby grew, it would still be far less expensive than purchasing diapers. If the child is ours biologically, I plan to nurse (assuming I have no problems with milk development and the baby has no problems with latching or swallowing), so that cuts the expense of formula. Once the child becomes old enough to start partaking of solid foods, I would like to use my beloved food processor to make our own baby food.

The downside of The Hubs being out of work is that all of the assumptions I made in the last paragraph could fall through. Our baby may come early and have health problems that require more in depth care. My milk may not come in or the baby may have problems with the whole process. Cloth diapering and making our own baby food may prove to be more hassle than worth.

I simply don't know and cannot predict what the future holds. What I do know is that I am simply not willing to give up the most promising years of fertility we have due to a situation that will not always be a stumbling block. In the future, I do not want to look back on these years with the same regret I currently have looking back on the ones that have already passed. I don't want to regret waiting.

I'm sure there are many people who say this makes me selfish and not truly caring about our potential child. However, I disagree. I want to still be able to enjoy my children. I want to be able to get out and play with them and go on vacations and show them things that I've found fascinating. I want to explore things they've become fascinated with with them.

And, essentially, this is a decision only each couple can make for themselves. No one else knows the situation or the thoughts and feelings involved in the decision.