Time is Fleeting. Carpe Diem.

My dad died this morning. He had a heart attack.

I was in the shower getting ready for work this morning when my mom knocked frantically on our door. The Hubs jumped up and went to answer it. I continued on my merry way with my shower, thinking, not that nothing was wrong, but not hugely concerned. My family is a bit meladramatic, so I don't get extremely concerned when someone frantically knocks on my door or calls repeatedly.

A few minutes later The Hubs came back in and came into the bathroom. "It's not good news, I'm afraid", he said. I opened the door of the shower, feeling as though my face were ghost white, "What is it?"

The Hubs is not an drama king. He doesn't make something out of things that are nothing. I knew it was bad news.

"We think your dad is dead."

I didn't believe it. I carried on with my shower, denying it was possible. I hurried though. I told The Hubs "I know CPR!"

What a ridiculous, stupid statement. Why do we say ignorant things in times of trouble?

We went to next door to my mom's house. My dad was lying in the floor of his room. He was, quiet unmistakeably, no longer with us. The EMT's were there. The coroner was on his way.

My world fell away. I was very much my dad's baby. I can't believe he's gone.

I was here when the coroner okay'd his removal from the house. He had scratched at his face trying to get breath. He couldn't breathe. My mom didn't want me to, but I made them let me see him. I kissed him on his forehead. He was so cold. I know my dad wasn't in the shell anymore, but the shell is what I knew my dad to look like.

I have no pictures of my dad that I'm aware of. I have no video of him. I know he's with me now in spirit, but I'm so devestated knowing I'll never hear his voice again. I'll never smell his unique "daddy" scent. He'll never see me graduate from University. He'll never meet my children and they'll never meet their Papa.

My heart aches. I miss my Daddy.

What Might Have Been

The little one made his way into the world on January 27 at 2pm. He was born addicted to two different drugs and is currently still in the hospital. C isn't keeping him, but she isn't letting us adopt him. She gave him to someone else.

When I got off work on Wednesday, I went over to Labor and Delivery to try to see them. I simply wanted to see the baby and be sure C was doing okay. No arguing, no berating, no crying or blaming. I just wanted to see how she and the baby were.

She refused to let me in.

She also had the L&D nurses put a ban on me being able to see the baby. At my own work place. It is absolutely ridiculous.

On Thursday while I was out and about in the hospital, C was up walking and passed me in the hall. She gave me the ugliest, coldest look anyone has ever given me, then turned her nose up and walked by me without speaking. She was with the woman she's allowing to adopt the baby and they went out to smoke. I was still making rounds and, when they came back in, they came by me and the adoptive mother said "there she is". Later in the day, I had to make my second rounds to gather the info I needed to do my job and, as I was coming from one section of the hospital, C and a guy I didn't know were walking towards me. C said "I wish she'd quit following me!"

Now, let's stop and consider this for a minute.

A. On Wednesday, what did she really think I was going to do? This is my place of work! If I wanted to start a scene, it wouldn't be there.

B. I wasn't interested in starting a scene. I only wanted to see the baby. I hoped that seeing him would bring some closure for me. I spent all of lunch on Wednesday crying and, after being snubbed when trying to check on them, I cried all the way home as well.

C. I have a job to do. I was not following her. I have to be out in the hospital. After the way she had acted to me earlier, I really hoped I wouldn't run into her at all. It was awful for me.

D. She approached us about the adoption, not the other way around. She pursued us and asked us to adopt the baby. We were happy to oblige, but we did not seek to convince her to give her baby to us.

E. She is the one who stopped contact with us, again not the other way around. She quit answering our calls, lied to us and even moved without giving us a forwarding address. All the while in possession of a mobile phone we bought and paid for. When it was obvious she was avoiding us, we stopped trying to contact her figuring if she wanted contact with us, she would make it.

So, my question is, after all this, why did she make out as if I had done something wrong to her? I had promised that whatever decision she made, I would support her. And I tried to do that. Now, though, I just feel as if it was thrown back in my face. I feel like she never wanted us to parent the baby. I feel she was simply using that child to get money out of us. Something we had the foresight to limit.

In addition to the betrayal and frustration I feel because of someone I considered a sister, I also feel like my heart has been ripped from my body. I didn't think it would affect me as badly as this. I thought, since it was only briefly even a tangible possibility of motherhood, it would not affect me as badly when the little one made his appearance.

I was wrong.

Knowing he's in the world and not being able to hold him and be there for him is killing me. He should be ours! The adoptive mother C picked out is related to her and has a past history of drug abuse. Why is this person being allowed to adopt this precious, innocent baby boy?

I know I'm being harsh. Presumably she is clean now, but she certainly wasn't just a few years ago. I just feel she will not be good for the little one. It hurts me to think he will have to grow up in that kind of uncertainty! I can only pray she has changed her life and that he will have a happy and healthy childhood.

Still, though, a part of me is lost. There is a part of me that, for the briefest of time, was his mother. In that moment, I felt him in my heart. I watched him cry and coo; I watched him grow into an inquisitive little boy; I kissed him as I sent him off on his first day of school, I watched The Hubs and I teach him to ride a bike and to kick a soccer ball; I heard him tell me about his first crush; I saw him battle through his first heartbreak; I watched him apply to college after college trying to pick the right one; I saw him walk down the aisle with the perfect woman for him. All these things happened but in that minimal amount of time it took for me to become his mother in my heart. And then they were snatched away. It's a part of me I'll never get back.

I know he's alive and that is a positive and precious thing. I pray his life will be a good one. And I pray someday I'll be able to have the things again with children who do belong with The Hubs and I. But for now, I feel empty. A little sliver of my heart cut away.

Bad Day....

One of the bad things about working in a hospital? You know when people you know are admitted to the hospital.

Like what should have been the birthmother of your child.

Which means you also have to be aware of when the child that should have been yours is expecting to make his appearance in the world.

Like today.

My heart is breaking all over again.

Sad News and Celebration of a Life

We got some sad news on Saturday. The Hubs' Grandmother passed away Saturday morning.

It wasn't unexpected. She was 95 years old and had Alzheimer's. She'd been on a downward slide for several years, but it still a difficult thing for us. Apparently she had a fall at home (where she still lived by herself - she had carers who came by everyday and The Hubs' Mum drove down to visit several times a week) on Friday and was taken to the hospital. She was stable Friday night, but had a massive heart attack Saturday morning.

The Hubs and I were up getting ready to go out of town for the day when his Mum texted him to call her ASAP. I told him to be prepared because I felt like his Gran had probably passed away.

After he spoke to his Mum, we had to decide whether to continue with our out-of-town plans or to stay at home. The Hubs decided there was really nothing we could do at home and that he felt his Gran would want us to go ahead with our plans, so that's what we did.

We went to Valdosta, GA for the day where neither of us had been before. The Hubs commented repeatedly throughout the day how much Valdosta reminded him of Sheffield, England. Valdosta was an old mill town and, even though its much more of a built up city now with the university there, the city has still managed to preserve some of its history, so The Hubs was able to see the chimneys from the mill and the water tower. The cityscape was very much like that of Sheffield with its water towers and chimneys left over from its days of being a huge mining town.

At one point, we got mislaid (to use The Hubs words - we weren't lost, just mislaid) while trying to locate the renovated mill and, in the process of retracing our steps, I happened to notice something interested set on the main road, but back from the road, so had I not been looking right at it, I never would have seen it. It was the Queen Victoria British Pub! Since The Hubs had been reminiscing all day and we were both feeling a deep loss for his Gran, I pointed it out to him and suggested we have dinner there. He readily agreed, so several hours later, we made our way back to the place.

When we walked in, it was like stepping back into England! The pub had proper English beers (although we didn't partake - The Hubs was driving and I don't really drink beer)! There was proper English food! There was proper English tea! And - in a rare moment of authentic recreation - there were proper English flags (not the Union Jack British flag, but real English flags)!

It was an astonishing and welcomed experience.

We ordered a Sprite for me and a Dr. Pepper for The Hubs and we then toasted his Gran. She loved pub meals. We always took her out to eat at a pub when we went to visit her. The Hubs ordered bangers and mash with seasonal veggies for his meal. I had Steak Diane (NY strip steak sauteed in Worcestershire sauce, sherry, shallots and mushrooms), mash and seasonal veggies. We finished off our meal with cheesecake (white chocolate raspberry for The Hubs and Chocolate Turtle for me) and a pot of hot tea.

We met and had a conversation with the owner of the pub who is also the chef. He's a Londoner and the former Executive Chef to the White House during President Ronald Reagan's time in office.

It was a wonderful evening and a most fitting tribute to The Hubs' Gran.

When we got back in the car to travel home, they were playing a Beatles' song on the radio, followed by a Wings' song. That's when we really knew. Gran had led us there. She had given us a chance to grieve for her and to celebrate her. There's no way we would have found the pub had we not gotten lost. She led us to it. Then, she wanted to make sure we knew it was her, so she had the Beatles and Wings playing for us. She was that kind of woman. She knew finances would not allow us to go to England for her funeral, so she gave us a celebration of her own.

So right now, wherever you are, please do me a favor and raise a glass in toast to a woman who meant so much to her family and friends. She's the last of her generation of friends and family, having outlived her husband and son, her best friend and all her siblings.

To Mary!

Confusing...

The Hubs' appointment today didn't go as planned. The pre-employment assessment he had to do was an ethical questionnaire. No problem, thought The Hubs. Now you should know, The Hubs is the most scrupulously ethical person I know in a professional capacity (he has had his moments personally, but I digress). So this questionnaire should have been a breeze.

However, it seems that a couple of The Hubs answers were flagged. When asked the question Have you ever been tempted to take anything from an employer? The Hubs answered yes because, he thought, who hasn't been tempted to take office supplies? He was asked what item he had been tempted to take from his employer. The Hubs answered that he couldn't think of a specific example, but he was sure he had been tempted but he never had. He also expressed that he thought this was a common occurence.

A second question Have you ever been tempted to cheat an employer in any way again earned a yes answer from The Hubs, as he figured most people had at some point in time visited a non-work related internet site. This time he was asked what he had cheated his employer out of, so he gave the aforementioned answer. We've all done this, haven't we? I know I have (in fact, I do it most days). Besides, the question was had you been tempted to cheat an employer.

The Hubs said the interviewer seemed okay with these answers, but did not send The Hubs for his drug screen. Instead, he said he would have a talk with the HR Manager (interviewer is the Operations Manager) and, if they decided to call him back, be in touch. No date to expect a call this time.

We feel that's probably it and another job opportunity is gone. Having said that, did The Hubs really want to work for a company that stressed over being tempted to do something no one would ever do? I, mean, even Jesus was tempted.

The wait continues. I will keep you posted.

Thoughts on the IF Journey

Alone.
So much alone
On this journey.

Though many go before me
And still others follow
In this journey I am alone.

Even he who walks beside me
Holding my hand down this path
Can not know my pain.
It is mine alone
As his belongs solely to him.

Though a dream shared,
A battle both have fought,
Disappointment simultaneously felt,
In this ache we are both still

Alone.

The Hubs and I were talking last night about our IF journey and how far we had come and how far we still had yet to go. We were discussing how each of us felt at this point in the journey and how we felt others might be feeling when they reached this point. These words just came to me while we were talking, so I grabbed a pen and wrote them down.

I think that, while we all share this journey, the pain is ours alone. We can't know how each individual feels. We can't know exactly how even our partner feels. Pain is such an intimate private thing. It can't be explained. It can only be felt in each person's own way.

Bitterness and Jealousy

I feel really bitter today.

Lately, it seems every way I turn, someone else is pregnant. And I really am happy for them. I really wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but I can’t help but think why can’t that be me? I feel awful for the jealousy that engulfs me, but, short of locking myself in a room somewhere and never coming out, I don’t know how to not feel the evil green monster every time I see a baby belly or a small person.

The truly awful thing about it is that I even feel jealous of ladies who have suffered a pregnancy loss. I know that sounds horrible of me and I really, truly feel for them and wish it had not happened to them. But in the same breath I think how in six years I haven’t ever had a BFP. I’ve never seen two pink lines. I’ve never felt a flutter in my tummy that was my child moving. I’ve never felt the excitement that comes with knowing there is a life inside of you. I’ve never been able to dream of the potential held in that one little moment when it seems life is finally coming full circle. I’ve never been able to give my husband the gift of telling him he is a father. So many things I’ve never been able to do and then there is the worry. Will I ever be pregnant? Am I even able to get pregnant? What if it never happens for us? What if, for some unknown reason, we’re unable to adopt a child? Are we forever destined to be without children?

I know that by having never suffered a loss, we’ve been spared the heartbreak of having our dream within our reach and then having it snatched away. I know I don’t actually want to suffer a loss and I really do feel tremendously awful for feeling this jealousy. And I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who has suffered a loss. I honestly am not intending to make light of what you’ve suffered. I truly do ache that you’ve had to endure it. No one should have to go through something like that.

I just wonder. What if? What if I never have the opportunity to be a mom? Is that where I’m headed?