Think Before You Press Send

Why is it that there are some things that are acceptable if done to an IFer, but, if a similar sort of thing was done to someone suffering from a more well-known disease, the person committing the offense would be condemned?

This morning I got to work and opened my email to find a "funny" email from one of my work colleagues.

I will pause here to state that our problems conceiving and the health issues I've gone through over the past couple of years have been no secret to this person. She shares an office with me and knows very well what struggles and disappointments the last two years have held. That's why I was so surprised this email came from her.

The email was - supposedly - a "Thesis on Women" and included several bits of "Medical Information Women Should Know". What is this information, you ask? Well, it consisted of several jokes about pregnancy. One of my favourites (and, yes, that word should be read loaded with sarcasm)? Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy

Now, I understand this is supposed to be funny. But when you're sending this to someone who can't get pregnant or someone who has struggled to get pregnant or someone who has experienced loss or, heaven forbid, recurrent loss, it's just not funny.

The next bit of the email was titled "10 Ways to Know If You Have Estrogen Issues". A couple of the witticism included in this lot? Everyone around you has an attitude problem and You're sure that everyone around you is scheming to drive you crazy. Now, while this may be true and actually describe the feelings of a woman with estrogen problems, I feel it's highly inappropriate to send this to a woman who is actually suffering from severe estrogen problems.

They want to know the real ways to tell you have estrogen problems? You have to have bloodwork every month to determine what your estrogen level is. You have to take medication that plays with your emotions and makes your monthly period incredibly painful and removes any desire you have for a sexual relationship with your partner. You have to have an endometrial biopsy every 6 months to confirm you don't have hyperplasia. You have to have a D&C when you do have hyperplasia.

Yeah. Not so funny when you know the true side of it. I honestly can't imagine anyone sending out an email with jokes about cancer in it and particularly not to a cancer patient. It would just be inhumanly cruel. So, why is it okay to send this to infertiles or to PCOSers? Why is it okay to poke fun at the real, devestating diseases that afflict us? Why are we accused of over-reacting when we mention that an email like this is not appreciated and that it actually hurts to read?

Will people ever treat those suffering from reproductive conditions as they would someone suffering another, more recognized disease? With the more time that passes, the more I become convinced this will never happen.

Day 12 - Your Blog Story

The story of this blog (I've had a couple of previous blogs with their own stories) started long before the blog itself was even conceived.

Nearly 8 years ago, on November 22, 2003, The Hubs and I went on a trip to Newcastle, England to see Fleetwood Mac in concert. It was a special concert because it was my 25th birthday and our 1st anniversary (on November 23rd). The concert was my gift. The Hubs had gotten us front row, center stage tickets! Have I mentioned recently that Fleetwood Mac are my all-time favourite band?

Anyway, on our 1st anniversary, November 23, 2003, The Hubs and I discussed things and decided we wanted to start trying for a family. Or, at least, that we would quit preventing. Secretly, I thought we'd be parents by our 2nd wedding anniversary.

But, our second wedding anniversary came around - no babies. We didn't worry too much. After all, we'd only stopped preventing a year before and we were still young. We had plenty of time.

Then our third anniversary rolled around and we still had no babies. But, still, we didn't panic. This was in November 2005 and we were gearing up to move to the USA from England in January 2006. We were engrossed with our immigration plans and felt that it was really no big deal. Surely it was just that we had been under a lot of stress over the last year due to planning our life-changing move. We'd really try once we had moved to the US and, by our fourth anniversary, we'd be parents.

Anniversary number four came around in November 2006 and there were still no additions to our family. We were beginning to get a little concerned, but knew that it had been a long, stressful year. We had immigrated to the US, my dad had been very sick for several months (in ICU for 10 weeks), we had both looked for jobs for months before being successful. Basically, nothing had been easy and it would not have been a good year for us to have a baby. 2007 would definitely be our year.

In March 2007, I finally had to take action regarding having my gallbladder removed. It had been giving me really severe problems for 3 years at that point and I finally gave in and saw my doctor about it. I was sent to a surgeon for consult and a surgery date was scheduled to have it removed. During the surgery, it was discovered that I had a large cyst (greater than 2 litres of fluid removed from it) on my right ovary. Following this procedure, we just knew it would be no time at all before we were pregnant! I mean, surely the cyst had been the only problem preventing us conceiving, right? However, in the months following my surgery, I had continuous bleeding. Not just every now and then, but continuous, period-like bleeding for about 6 months. I consulted with the surgeon who had performed my surgery and was assured there were no complications from the surgery. I consulted my OB/GYN and was told this was normal following a surgery such as the one I had had and there was no need to worry. So I didn't. Anniversary number five arrived but babies were absent from the affair.

In 2008, my bleeding still had not stopped. This had gone on for more than a year and The Hubs and I were really getting concerned, so I made an appointment with a new OB/GYN. During my visit with her, she diagnosed me with PCOS and insulin resistance. She started me on 1500mg Metformin and, believe it or not, the constant bleeding stopped! We were optimistic. We had told her about the problems we'd been having trying to conceive and she explained that the Metformin should be all that was needed to make me ovulate. So we set about doing everything correctly. I took my temperature every morning. I took Metformin everyday. We babydanced like fiends! But I noticed that, not only was I no longer continuously bleeding, but I had not had a period at all since starting Metformin. As our sixth anniversary arrived, we also decided we wanted to start fertility treatment sooner rather than later, so I contacted my OB/GYN. She stated that she wanted me to keep taking the Metformin for another month and see if this brought on my period. Around this time, Wistfulgirl was born. She'd always been around in the shadows offstage, but in October 2008, she meekly peeked around the curtains. But she was shy, so, while she did make a few tentative posts in 2008 and early 2009, she decided to hide her head for a little while longer.

When another month had passed and I had still had no period, I called my OB/GYN again and begged for Provera and Clomid. So, in April 2009, she prescribed Provera and Clomid. We began the first of four Clomid cycles that month. I continued temping and what I discovered was that I did ovulate on Clomid, but we still didn't manage to get pregnant. So, we did another round of Clomid in May 2009. And another in June 2009. And another in July 2009. All BFN's. Nada. Nothing. No pregnancies. Not even a hint of a sniff of a positive on any of the 48 HPT's I took during those four months. At this point, The Hubs - who had been out of work since the previous November - still had had no luck finding a job, so we decided to take a break on fertility treatment. We were still trying some natural approaches, but we put seeing our doctor on hold. It was in August of that year that Wistfulgirl burst full-force onto the scene and this blog began it's journey to where it is today. Wistfulgirl was pointed in the direction of the ALI community and a much-needed source of support was discovered. In early November of that year, we were approached by a mother known to us who was expecting a baby (she already had two children) and was asked to adopt the child. However, after getting our hopes up, that adoption fell through. Anniversary number seven was celebrated with heavy hearts and our dreams of becoming parents seemed farther away than ever.

In February 2010, The Hubs found a new job! We immediately called my OB/GYN to get a referral to an RE. Our referral was made and we had our first appointment with Dr. O on April 5, 2010. Those first few appointments with Dr. O were a plethora of discovery. The first bit of news we received was that, in reviewing my medical history, we discovered some interesting information that arose during my gallbladder and right ovarian cyst removals but had never been brought to our attention. In removing the ovarian cyst, it had been necessary for the surgeon to also remove my right fallopian tube including the bit with the fimbria (which sweeps the sperm into the tube) and part of my right ovary. While we understood that it would have been impossible to save these as they were partially embedded in the cyst, we felt that we really should have been given the information and we felt betrayed by my surgeon (who had also taken care of my dad during his illness in 2006). The next bad news we received was that Dr. O suspected I had Type II Diabetes (not just insulin resistance) and hypothyroidism. He also had me tested for sleep apnea and the sleep study was positive for Obstructive Sleep Apnea. Finally, an endometrial biopsy revealed that I had complex endometrial hyperplasia without atypical cells. A D&C was performed and I was prescribed Megace to be taken for six months. We celebrated eight years of marriage with me in the midst of this treatment and no babies in sight.

January 2011 brought another endometrial biopsy with an all-clear on the hyperplasia! We thought we would definitely get to move to the next round of treatment, but, alas, it was not to be. Dr. O wanted me to work on losing at least 30lbs before we could consider any further treatment. I was then put on Provera beginning in February to bring about a period every month. After three months of Provera, it had been decidedly proven to us that Provera was not a good choice for my mental health on an ongoing basis, so I contacted Dr. O to ask for a different prescription. Dr. O wanted me to give Provera one more month. After that month passed with no improvement on my depression and anxiety brought on by the medication, I once again called Dr. O and my medication was changed to Aygestin. Two months passed with me taking Aygestin with only a very, very light period and bleeding in-between. I put this down to stress - my dad had a stroke in late June and I was very worried about him. He was in the hospital through to mid-July. I took Aygestin again in August, but, to the best of my recollection, had no period at all. This was not the highest thing on my priority list that month, though, because my dad passed away on August 16. I'm honestly surprised my body remembered to do the basic functions like breathing during that time. I was devestated (I still am). I think there was no way August was going to produce anything like a normal cycle for me. And why should it? Nothing else about the month was normal and my dad was gone.

In September I realized that I had not had a proper cycle since changing to Aygestin. I called Dr. O and he asked me to come in for a visit. An ultrasound was performed at this visit and, while my endometrial lining looked okay from the u/s, there was a suspicious looking cyst on my right ovary. Dr. O asked me to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound and another endometrial biopsy. For that u/s, the cyst had grown by 2cm in 2 weeks! Dr. O ordered bloodwork, a CA-125, a test to check for high levels of cancer antigens. The results came back from the endometrial biopsy - all clear! The results from the bloodwork seemed to indicate no cancer, however, Dr. O (being the highly cautious individual he is) scheduled me for a visit with a cancer specialist. That visit went well and it was determined that, while we needed to monitor the ovarian cyst for growth, it was unlikely to cause me problems and did not appear cancerous. The monitoring is to ensure that, should it get larger and begin to cause me problems, we can arrange to have it removed. Dr. O seemed satisfied with this, but ordered a contiuation of Aygestin and a further visit in October to monitor my weight, blood pressure and other vitals.

In the midst of all the other things happening during this year, The Hubs and I talked things over and, following my dad's death, decided we were ready to pursue adoption through foster care. While we are not stopping treatment (or preparation for treatment), we've decided we really want to move forward with a more feasible plan to parenthood. As we approach our ninth wedding anniversary, we are preparing to attend adoption orientation next Tuesday (one week, one day before our ninth anniversary). This year, I pray we're filled with more hope than the previous years have brought us and that, by our tenth anniversary, we will have finally attained the elusive....I pray we'll be parents!

And there, my humble readers, you have it! My blog story to the present. Stay tuned to this space for more conceptual adventures in the life of a Wistfulgirl!

I mentioned in my last post how we had finally contacted the State of Georgia about starting the adoption process on Monday of this week. We're in the midst of the 10 day period they call us in. By next Friday we should have heard from them.

In the meantime, I've been having a look at the My Turn Now Photolisting of children available for adoption from the Georgia Foster Care System. The Hubs and I have actually been looking at this list for several years and there is one child who caught our attention about 3 years ago. We said when we first saw this child that if she was still available when we actually came to adopt, we would look at possibly pursuing her adoption. So we have this evening completed the interest email for this child.

I know if she's meant to be part of our family, it will work out and, if not, then the Lord has another plan for her and us. I'll be happy whichever way it works out, but.....please wish us luck! I would be ecstatic if she was meant to join our family! I won't be sharing any specific details about her at this time for a couple of reasons: firstly, I don't know what the Georgia State rules on this are, but I'm guessing they don't want you discussing the adoption and, secondly, it's really her story to tell and I don't want to do anything that might hurt her. So, I'll share what I can, but don't expect too much.

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I had my follow-up visit with Dr. O today. The cyst seems not to have grown, but Dr. O is still concerned about it, so he's sending me to a specialist OB/GYN to get their opinion on our next move. He feels they'll probably just recommend watching it for now and then, if it grows, remove it.

Sigh.

Once more we're in hurry-up-and-wait mode. I'm still 10 pounds from my goal to lose anyway. I need to get back to watching my calories very closely and exercising regularly. I sort of fell off the wagon when my Dad died. But I know he'd want me to work on my weight, too. It will work out so much better for me. I'll be healthier and I'll look better. I'll feel better too. In the long run, it's just the right thing for me.

Anyway, back to the RE visit, Dr. O wants me to continue next month with Agestin because it seemed to work well this month. Since I started late this month, he wants me to bring it back 3 days next month, so I'll start the meds on November 4. Then in December, I'll go back to the 1st and be back on track.

I just wish my body would, for once, do what it was supposed to do.

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My Dad's grave finally has the headstone up. It looks so pretty. I still cry everytime I go. I miss him so much. I get so angry when I think what infertility has stolen from me. It means my Dad will never get to meet his grandchildren (at least my children) and his grandchildren will never get to meet him. It means I'll never get to see my children hug him or walk to him. They'll never get to wrap a Christmas gift for their Papa. There are so many things I've lost due to infertility, but this one makes me the angriest.

Anyway, I took a picture of his headstone so I could share it. I've blurred out the last name for security purposes but it doesn't affect the picture at all. I hope you think it's as beautiful as I do.



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ICLW starts tomorrow. I will really try hard to get a post done every day and visit all my blog reads each day. I need to get back into blogging regularly and reading my friends. I miss you all.

Ciao for now!

Fear and Depression

I'd love to be able to tell you that the adoption match is definite and we'll be united with our first child in February, however, I really have no further news on the adoption right now. There has been no forward movement with Juno. The lastest news we received was that she had gone from "definitely choosing" us (and calling us the baby's parents) to making a decision between us and cousins of the baby's dad. Basically, it could go either way and we'll simply have to wait to discover her decision. Oh, one other piece of news: she had a bleeding episode on Monday and went to her doctor. Apparently she has a pulled muscle in her uterus. An ultrasound was done and baby is fine. The doctor said it is "almost certainly" a girl! I'd love to be able to get excited, but with her decision still in the air, it's difficult to do so. Juno has also "named" the baby. It's a name The Hubs and I had on our list of possible names, but with her naming the baby, I feel it's quite possible she may choose to parent herself. Who knows? I hate uncertainty.

Most days I feel quite zen about this possible match. It feels so different from the last time we were in this situation. Not that I believe this possibility is anymore definite than the last time, but that this time we're actually making steps to be ready to have another child placed with us should this adoption possibility end.

Then there are days like today when I feel immeasurably sad. The Hubs and I have been looking at houses because we're wanting to move into a home of our own (versus the one we rent from my mother which is located right next door to my mother). While I will value and appreciate my mother's input and advice on questions I may have related to child-rearing, being next door to her is not really a good idea. She's very strong-willed and forceful with her ideas on what is correct and what is not. This is a trait I have picked up from her. The problem is her idea or correct and my idea of correct don't always correlate. At the end of the day, any child we adopt will be ours and it will be our decisions on how our child is raised that will matter. My mother will struggle to see it this way, though. I've seen this with my siblings and their children.

Back to the point, though, is that we saw a house yesterday that on paper seemed like an excellent buy. However, when we saw it in person, it was definitely not the house for us. This was depressing and disheartening. We very badly need to get started on our homestudy (particularly if there is any chance this child is our child), but we want to have already made the move before we do this so we can be settled in what will be our home. I know that many of you will think it is silly for us to be embarking on this now and I appreciate your view on this. But, again, this is our decision and, right or wrong, we take responsibility for it. It's just very upsetting to find yesterday's viewing - which we had pinned such high hopes on - was a bust.

Infertility and adoption are such an emotional roller-coaster. I know you're all shouting you're preaching to the choir, honey! I simply hate the unknowns. I'm a person who plans for everything. I don't think it would be possible to have orchestrated two international moves without being this way. When I say I plan everything, I mean I plan all the small details. And I get really frustrated whenever anything - even the tiniest details - go awry. This is truly not the attitude to have when you go into such uncertain territory as adoption. Until after the baby is born (and, in fact in the state of Georgia, 10 days after the baby is born), there is no certainty. Even if Juno decided to place with us, she could change her mind within 10 days of signing TPR and decide to parent herself. I would never begrudge her this. After all, she's the one carrying the baby for 9 months. She's the one going through labor and delivery.

Am I jealous that I'm not getting the opportunity to do these things? I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little jealous. Am I angry because she gets this opportunity and holds all the cards so to speak? No. That's simply circumstance. I know for a fact Juno did not ask for this. It wasn't the plan she had for her life. I don't think anyone who ever chooses to place their child for adoption had this path in mind when they started out. I'm not angry. I just sad and frustrated. I wish there was a clear right answer for all of us. I wish we could open an instruction book and there be a page that said Juno, choose (insert correct option, but that book simply hasn't come to exist yet.

We've only just started on our journey and already I feel motion sickness on this roller-coaster. How am I really going to make it through the coming months or even years? If only I were a more patient person! Or if I could only turn loose on the need to be in control! I need patience. I need faith that everything will work out for the best. I need a stronger armour against the pain I foresee as part of this whole process.

Maybe I just need a strong drink and a nap?

Whichever happens to be the case, I need strength most of all. I have to stay strong and firm and grounded throughout this process. The ability to stay grounded is not one of my greatest qualities. I get excited at even the slightest possibilty. This is not something that is reserved exclusively for baby-related news either. I get this way about anything I want to happen and receive even the smallest positive move in that direction. You'd think this would be something I would have outgrown in my 32 years on Earth, but I guess there are some ways in which I will always be 12 years old.

If only I could get the wish out of my head that life should have been simple for me. That I shouldn't have had to fight so hard and move half a world away to be with the man I love. That I shouldn't have felt so alone and removed from the people around me in England. That we shouldn't have had to struggle financially to find jobs when we moved back to the USA, particularly when The Hubs had a good degree. That finding a home of our own shouldn't be like looking for the Holy Grail. That the simple act of becoming parents shouldn't be harder than scoring a perfect score on the LSAT's or getting elected President.

I hate that we've had to spend the amount of money we've had to spend on fertility treatment when other people seem to be able to blink and get pregnant. I hate that everywhere I look there are pregnant women and I feel jealous of them. I hate that adoption takes so long and has so many unknowns. I hate feeling so scared and sad all the darn time!

I love what adoption does - that it creates awesome families and provides children with needed homes. I love that expectant parents who are unable to raise their children themselves are able to place their children with families who can and who love the children. I love that we're able to have open adoptions now so that birthfamilies and adoptive families can unite and be a loving support for one another.

But right now I just feel so fragile and weepy and scared and depressed. When will things just settle down and let us be a family with our children?

Sorry for the whiny nature of this post.

Critical Thinking: When Is Enough Enough?

This is a question I think every infertile faces at some point in time: when is enough enough? When have you truly done all the fertility treatment you can face? When do you decide IF treatment is a waste of your money and what you're really meant to do is parent a child through adoption, so you're moving on? When is it just easier on the heart to move on to living child-free?

These are the questions facing The Hubs and I at the moment. For us, what the question boils down to is this: what counts more towards our limit, the time spent trying or the actual treatment accomplished in that time?

You see, we're unique to a lot of couples who've been TTC for a while because, while we've been trying for 7 1/2 years, we've really only done a minimal amount of treatment. Due to one circumstance or another, the only treatment we've undergone has been four Clomid cycles. Not a real overflux of treatment, I think you'd agree. However, if you look at the time we've spent on TTC, I think you'll find that this is a significantly greater time than a lot of others in our position spend attempting to create a family. I will say not a greater amount of time than everyone - I can, as I type this, think of at least 3 people who've spent at least this long or longer in their own TTC game - but certainly a greater length of time than your average infertile.

What has held us up, you ask? Well, initially it was because we were living in the UK and were planning to move back to the US. We thought it made better sense to wait to seek out help discovering what was wrong until we were settled in the US. And, at the time, it did make more sense. Now, looking back, I wish we'd chosen differently, but you can't change the past, so on we move.

Once we were actually in the US, there always seemed to be something else holding us back from seeking help: my dad's illness, money, The Hubs being out of work. When we finally did seek treatment through my OB/GYN, she wanted us to try Clomid before getting a referral to an RE. We did that. Four clomid cycles, all a bust. Finally we got our RE referral and it looked like we might be getting somewhere, then my body decides it's not happening.

Stop. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. No, instead we were lost in the land of treating hyperplasia. And Type II Diabetes. And Hypothyroidism. And Sleep Apnea. And the revelation of a missing right fallopian tube. And any other mundane illness that could creep up to prevent our dreams from coming true. But finally - FINALLY! - we got that all sorted and it looked as though we might actually be on our way towards our goal. But, alas, we were once again stopped and told we would have to wait. This time, I needed to lose weight. 30 lbs minimum.

That brings us to where we are today. I'm working on losing that weight - and I'm doing a pretty good job of it - but I don't know when we'll actually move on to any treatment. Our RE won't even do an HSG to see if the one remaining tube I have is clear until the weight comes off. He says "I can get you pregnant at your current weight (at that time it was 273 lbs, it is now down to 263.6 lbs), but I can't keep you pregnant. And, any pregnancy would be much too difficult for anyone your size."

That's where we're left. 7 1/2 years of hoping and longing and wishing. 7 1/2 years of heartache and disappointment. 7 1/2 years of not knowing what to plan for or when, or even if, we would ever be parents. And still, we're no further than we were before. We haven't even progressed one centimeter from where we were 7 1/2 years ago (or at least that's how it feels).

That brings me back to our question: when is enough enough? Should we keep on moving towards trying an IUI or IVF? Should we give up on trying to reproduce biologically and focus our time, energy and finances on adoption? Should we try to come to terms with living child-free?

Honestly, I'm not so sure our finances would sustain IVF AND adoption. I'm pretty sure we could manage an IUI or two, but, after reading so many of the stories in the IF world, I'm hyper-aware of the fact that IVF does not always work. I want to be a mother. I've never wanted something so bad in my life. Living child-free just does not seem an option for me. The Hubs feels similarly. How we become parents is not really that important, but the fact that we do become parents is hugely important.

I've done without a lot of things in my life that are deemed "rights of passage". I never had a big 16th birthday party - my dad was sick and it wasn't an option for us. My marriage proposal wasn't a big production - The Hubs just kind of asked and I said yes, we just wanted to be together forever without anyone being able to separate us. I never had a bridal shower - we were living in England, only came to the States a week before our wedding and couldn't really take much back with us. Wedding showers aren't a huge deal in England (at least not with The Hubs' family and friends) so we had no shower there either. I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

I don't mean to whine, but I have sacrificed a lot of the time-honoured, traditional experiences in life. Being a mother is not one of those experiences I'm willing to forego. I just won't do it. I will stamp my foot, scream and cry like a petulant child if I have to, but I simply will not accept that I will never be a mother! The maternal instinct is too ingrained in me.

So, what to do? Where does that leave us? Waiting to try an IUI? Moving on to adoption? Praying for one of those "miracles" everyone who has never experienced infertility tells me about?

Or simply continuing to ask myself: when is enough enough?

Post-Mother's Day Anxiety

I hope Mother's Day was great for all of you moms, moms-to-be and those just celebrating your mom and, for those of us still dreaming of being a mommy, I hope you were able to make it through this holiday without too many tears.

This weekend was, understandably, tough for me. I spent most of the weekend reading. I finished two books this weekend, Grave Surprise by Charlaine Harris and Pandora by Anne Rice. It was the only way I could keep myself from crying and screaming simultaneously. Never before has a Mother's Day upset me as much as this one.

I did manage to make dinner for my mom both Saturday and Sunday and keep a semi-smile on my face throughout. Saturday night we enjoyed a meal of grilled steaks, homemade macoroni and cheese (my mom loves this) and baked beans and weenies (a favourite of The Hubs). Sunday's meal consisted of grilled chicken marinated in a honey teriyaki sauce, green lima beans, roasted potatoes in Italian seasoning and homemade cornbread. My mom enjoyed it. She also loved the bracelet The Hubs and I got her for Mother's Day. It is similar to a Pandora bracelet (but not quite as expensive - we are saving!) with charms of two boys - one with a January birthstone and one with a May birthstone - representing my brothers and two girl charms - one with a June birthstone and one with a November birthstone - representing my sister and I.

I think it was a good Mother's Day for her, apart from the fact she had to work. I hope it was anyway.

I've been feeling extraordinarily anxious all weekend and into the week as well. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel so nervous and worried inside. I feel like crying and I'm keeping a constant headache. I would guess it was nearly time for that witch AF to show, but I only finished Provera on Saturday night. I don't know what's going on with me, but I know The Hubs and my work colleagues are sure wishing whatever it is would hurry up and leave. For that matter, I wish it would too! I don't like feeling this way. I wish I could go somewhere by myself for a day or two and just hide away and mourn. For what, I'm not sure, but I feel a complete sense of loss.

I found out yesterday about the 2nd Annual Atlanta Walk of Hope. I wish I had known about it earlier, because The Hubs and I would have planned to attend. As it is, we now don't have time to do any fundraising or really make plans to attend. Although we do live in Georgia, we're about 4 hours from Atlanta, so it is a bit of a trek to make on no planning. So, we've decided to not attend this year, but to make definite plans to be there next year.

In the meantime, I've been on Resolve's website attempting to locate a local support group only to find that there are none in our local area. With that in mind, I have requested information on starting a peer-led support group in my area. I received an email back but haven't had a chance to go over the material yet. I'm hoping to do that later this week. I hope it will be something I can do. I'd love to have local support during my journey and I think there may be others in my area who could also use that in-person support. I hope you guys will give me moral support if it turns out to be something I think I can do. I'm hoping to work on this over the next year and be able to take a good-sized team to Atlanta for the 2012 Walk of Hope.

Well, I guess I should bring this post to an end and get on with work. I hope you all have a great Tuesday!

Some Days Are Just Better Off Slept Through

Picture the scene: I'm diligently working away at my desk when a knock comes at my door. The door is flung open by my ex-sister-in-law (who works at the same hospital as I do) who promptly announces she's going to be a nana! Her eldest daughter (half-sister to my niece Boop, but not related to me) is expecting a baby!

Terrible dream, right? In fact, it swiftly sails it's way into nightmare territory! Glad I could wake up from it....

Except, try as I might and despite pinching my arm quite severely, I didn't seem to be waking up. It took me a couple of minutes, but I realised that I wasn't waking up because I wasn't asleep. My ex-SIL actually had flung my door open to announce that her 21-year-old, unmarried, unemployed daughter was 2 months pregnant and she (ex-SIL) was incredibly happy about it and expected me to be overjoyed for her as well.

Guess what? Not so much joy coming from my corner of the room. In fact, I had to restrain myself from clobbering ex-SIL! I could understand her tactlessness had she not been aware of our TTC failure and the failure of our adoption, but she's in full possession of all the details. And, yet, there she was standing in my door and getting more angry at me by the minute for not jumping up and down in exultation.

Frankly, I wanted to slap her and her eldest daughter (come to think of it, my niece was actually not showing a lot of tact either). I can not believe that yet another unprepared youngster in my life is being blessed with a child and The Hubs and I are still struggling. It makes me so incredibly angry.

Explain to me how it is fair for my niece to become an aunt before I get the opportunity to be a mom? It's not. Not at all. It's really effing unfair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room to sulk. And, despite doing so well on my diet and exercise recently, I'm having a baked potato covered in sour cream, cheese and bacon for dinner tonight. I might even have 2. I'll revert to being good tomorrow, but tonight I'm letting disappointment, depression, dispair, hopelessness, bitterness and Provera win.

Treatment Thoughts

I bet you thought I would be avoiding you now that the Blogging A to Z April Challenge is over, right? Not so! I'm not all that fickle!

The Hubs and I have been talking and thinking a lot over the last month about what our options are in regard to becoming parents. We still want to pursue fertility treatment and we are looking at changing RE's. I'm aware my weight is an issue and I am working on that. However, neither The Hubs nor I feel our RE is supportive or willing to work toward the best options for us. He is really pushing gastric bypass surgery and, at this point in time, that is not something I'm willing to consider.

Before we definitely change RE's and continue with different options, though, I feel we need to know if continuing is actually in our best interest. The Hubs and I have discussed our individual thoughts before on what treatment we were willing to undergo and we have both expressed the opinion that we (at this time) don't feel IVF is the best route for us. We're both very aware that the success rate with IVF is only 35% and we know what our finances will allow. With IVF and adoption being of a similar cost but with more of a guarantee with adoption, we think, if it becomes a choice, adoption will be the road we choose. We want to do adoption anyway, so this was really an easy choice for us. In the meantime, though, we want to know if treatment is even a possibility for us. So far, my RE has not ordered an HSG to see if my one remaining tube is open and he has stated he will not order one until I have lost weight. I'm no expert, but this seems like more time wasting to me. Therefore, I think I'm going to see my regular OB/GYN and see if he will order one. At least then I would know if treatment was a viable option for us.

Now I need some help from you! Anyone who is in Georgia, I would like to know what RE you used and what your thoughts on them are. Would you recommend them? Or would you warn against them? If you don't want to put your thoughts in my comments area, you can email me with them.

Thanks so much for your help!

U is for Unfulfilled

Unfulfilled is a word with which infertiles are very familiar. We feel it every month. We butt heads with it constantly. It becomes our unwelcome guest.

Everytime we start a new cycle when we were hoping for a positive pregnancy test, everytime we hear another pregnancy announcement from a friend or relative, everytime someone brings their baby home safe and sound while we remain empty-armed, everytime we get excited about an adoption match and it falls through, we feel that sense of being unfulfilled.

I've read recently about several of my blogging friends who've reached their unfulfilled due dates. My heart just breaks for them when I read the sadness they're feeling. To hear the heartbreak they're feeling when they should be feeling such joy is almost more than I can take. It's simply gut-wrenching.

I've never known that feeling, although I know my own brand of being unfulfilled. It's a different kind of hurt to never have been pregnant. In most ways, I'm grateful I've never had to experience the kind of pain I've watched many of my friends go through. Having said that, I am left with the emptiness of not knowing if I can evan achieve a pregnancy. That leaves me unfulfilled.

Watching all my non-IF acquaintances experience holidays with their children also leaves me feeling unfulfilled. Never knowing if I'll have the opportunity to experience that is an awful feeling.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Be sure to do what you can this week to make others aware of this very important week. Resolve is asking us to bust myths about infertility this week and I'll be writing a post about that later in the week, so be on the lookout for it!

I is for Infertility

Infertility does not define who I am, however, I would be remiss and the story of me would be incomplete without the mention of it, because it is a large part of who I am.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my story, I'll give you a bit of background (please note this is discussing infertility, so there may be some information included that may not be comfortable reading for some people). The Hubs and I have been married for 8 1/2 years. We began TTC (trying to conceive) 7 1/2 years ago. We started out like any normal couple and tried, tried, tried. After a couple of years of trying, we began to wonder if something was wrong, but we were in the midst of moving to the US from England (I'm from the US, The Hubs is English), so we didn't panic too much about it. Once we were settled in the US, we began to think about it a little more. At my annual check-up the first year we were here, I asked the nurse doing the check up about it. She stated she thought I might have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) but she wasn't sure. She told me we should keep trying and give it another year. So we let it sink to the back of our minds again for a while.

Early the next year, I had some serious abdominal pains and had to have my gallbladder removed. During the routine surgery to remove the gallbladder, it was discovered that I had a cyst containing more than 2 litres of fluid (yes, you read that right!) sitting on my right ovary. The cyst was removed during the surgery as well and, in my two week follow-up appointment, I asked the surgeon if it would affect our chances of getting pregnant. He stated it should not, as he had only removed a cyst, but that if we continued having problems, we should probably see my doctor.

Call us stupid, but we waited another year before we saw my doctor for help. We thought for sure that it would happen on it's own, but when nada continued to be our answer every month, we decided something needed to be done. So, in 2008, we consulted with my OB/GYN. She diagnosed me with PCOS and Insulin Resistance and started me on a regimen of Metformin. We continued this pattern for several months in an attempt to regulate my cycle (which had been sketchy at best up to this point). Finally, she prescribed Provera to kick-start my cycle and prescribed Clomid to increase our chances of getting an egg that could be fertilized. Four months of this brought nothing but negative news. After the disappointment of these negative cycles coupled with The Hubs losing his job, we decided to have a break for a few months. We continued TTC with natural supplements (Soy Isoflavones) for the ensuing months with no success.

We eventually (when The Hubs became employed again) returned to my OB/GYN to give it another shot. This time, she prescribed Femara to increase the likelihood of us getting pregnant. This, too, was a complete bust with the added complication of completely screwing my cycle up. We finally opted for/talked my OB/GYN into a referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

Our first visit with the RE resulted in orders for tons of bloodwork, a physical exam and an ultrasound. The results? I have Type II Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, PCOS and Endometrial Hyperplasia. In addition to this, it came to light through the notes from my earlier surgery that, when removing the cyst from my ovary, the surgeon had also removed my right fallopian tube (it had been embedded in the cyst)! While I'm aware the tube could not have been saved, my problem with this was that I was not informed of the removal! This seemed incredibly remiss to me, so I called his office to ask why I had not been given this information. I was told "He probably didn't know." When I asked how this could be, seeing it was in the pathology report and he got that 3 days after the surgery and saw me two weeks after the surgery, I was told "He probably didn't read that far down." I feel this was criminal, however, the surgeon is employed by the hospital for which I work, so there is no action I can safely take without the risk of losing my job. Once again, the universe had succeeded in screwing me over.

Back to the RE. The big concern at that time was the hyperplasia, due to the increased risk of cancer. Throw in a D&C to clear out the affected tissue, six months of medicinal therapy (Megace) and an additional six months (we are currently in the fourth of those six months) of additional medicinal therapy (Provera), along with our RE's refusal to do any fertility treatment until I lose weight (which he never thought to mention until January when we had been seeing him for nearly a year and a total amount of weight loss for which he won't give me a number). Essentially, we are in the great waiting game.

In addition to our medical history, we also have a failed adoption in our past, but that is really too painful for me to talk about these days.

That's our background. But what that doesn't touch on is what the emotional side of infertility is like. It doesn't tell you the tears we've cried. It doesn't mention the tension our marriage has been under at times. It doesn't discuss the depression we both feel. It doesn't take into account the emptiness we feel or the longing we have or the holidays we endure being the only childless ones in our circle of family and friends or the hopelessness we feel when we think about the possiblity of us ever becoming parents.

Infertility is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I would never wish it on anyone, even my worst enemy. It is so difficult to see parents who take their children for granted (and we've all seen those parents) when we would so happily trade places with them. Infertility is a soul-destroying disease. It hurts everyone it affects. Even those who come through it with their long-fought for children in tow never forget the pain they experienced. Once you've been through infertility, it is a part of you. It's there. It doesn't go away. If you let it, it'll eat away at you. It'll take hold of your life and it will be the only thing you can think about. It will destroy the things you love. You simply have to find a way to get through it without allowing it to take you over completely. That's what I'm working on now.

April 24 through April 30, 2011 is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please get involved! If you know someone suffering from infertility, give them your support! A simple hug and an "I'm here to listen if you need to talk" will go so much farther than you could ever imagine. Don't know anyone suffering from infertility? You can still help! Make others aware of NIAW. Chances are, someone you know is suffering, they may just not be telling anyone. 7.3 million Americans alone (not to mention those in other countries!) suffer from infertility. 1 in 4 women is facing it. Please let those in your life know they're not alone!

A Moral Dilemma

I have a slight moral dilemma. The outcome is really rather irrelevant except in the matter of how I view myself, but I'd like to put it out there for your thoughts, if you all don't mind.

See, there is another couple that The Hubs and I have been friends with for a while. In fact, the HE of this couple (let's call him T so as to cause no confusion) and I go way back to when we were both members of the same youth group at the church The Hubs and I (as well as this couple) stopped attending in January 2010. We first met about 14 years ago. While I was in England with The Hubs, T met M and they dated for a long while. In February 2009, The Hubs and I attended their wedding.

We have considered them to be very good friends. We've been on double dates with them to the movies, we've been out to meals with them, we've even planned phantom when-we-win-the-lottery-we-don't-play vacations with them. While I wouldn't call them our best friends (neither The Hubs nor I tend to develop best friendships - The Hubs because he's more of a loner and me because....well, I'm not sure why, but it hasn't happened since I left high school despite my efforts), they were probably the closest thing to it. Which is why their lack of support during this whole IF nightmare has been really disappointing.

The whole time we've been trying, they've often given us the lame-ass "when it's right, it'll happen", "God knows what he's doing....just be patient and accept his timing", "maybe the Lord has other plans for you" advice. You know....the kind that isn't really helpful. And, in their case, I was willing to forgive them. After all, they haven't suffered through it personally and, as we all know, until you go through it yourself, it doesn't seem to be a real problem.

The problem came when The Hubs and I were going through the adoption-that-never-was fiasco. We were so excited when we thought we were going to be bringing The Pengu home! Being such good friends, they were some of the first people we shared the news with. We thought they'd be so excited for us or at least be praying/hoping for it to work out for us. That's why I was so confused and hurt at their lackluster response. Their "oh, that's nice" reaction seemed too reminiscent of a casual acquaintance and not that of trusted friends. When I later learned from a mutual friend that they had been saying behind our backs that they did not feel adoption was "natural", that if we couldn't have children on our own then "it wasn't God's plan" for us to be parents and they didn't think the Lord "wanted people to adopt", I felt real anger in addition to my hurt. My question was, what did they really want to happen to the children who were born to parents who wanted to give them up???

Needless to say, The Hubs and I quickly cooled our friendship with them following that. And later when the adoption fell through and their response was "it was probably for the best. Now you can get back to trying to have REAL babies", I cut off nearly all personal contact with them.

Flash forward several months. T's mother works in the same hospital I do. In November (I think), she approached me to tell me the happy news! T and M were expecting a baby! Of course, they hadn't been trying so it was incredibly unexpected, but the family had been "Waiting So Long" (I'll pause here to remind you The Hubs and I have been trying for 7 1/2 years and T and M have only been married for 2 years) for the pair to have a baby that they were really excited!

Okay. I'll throw my hands up and be the first to admit I felt hurt, defeated and pissed off! But, I kept on my false happy face for her and exclaimed how brilliant that was and how excited I was for them. Then I moved on and went back to my office. Later that day, one of the girls that works in her department and is friendly with me told me what she had had to say when I left. She had said that I really should be more happy for T and M because they had this wonderful news and that it wasn't their fault that God saw that The Hubs and I weren't fit to be parents right now. She went on to state that we were unsettled and not in a stable situation. We didn't have steady jobs (I've been at my job for almost 3 years and The Hubs has been at his for nearly a year - yes, The Hubs did get laid off and was out of work for a while prior to his current job, but many other people have also been in similar situations and I don't see this level of abuse being hurled in their direction) and we didn't have a home (we don't own our home, but we do rent it from my mother - we certainly aren't living in the streets!). She stated that "until we were settled and stable like T and M, the Lord wouldn't choose to put a child in our custody" and that she had "real doubts" that we would ever have a child due to this fact.

I would like to ask for a round of applause and a huge pat on the back that I didn't hunt her down and beat the living crap out of her. But I fancied keeping my job for a while longer and I knew that anyone she said this to would hear it as it really was - utter horse manure!

Things were left there for a while. I haven't seen T since all this happened and when I see M, I usually turn in the opposite direction before she has a chance to get close to me and I pretend I didn't see her. I don't answer their calls (those stopped shortly after the incident with T's mom) and, although they are both still on my Facebook, we don't comment on each other's statuses, photos or comments.

Last week, The Hubs told me some news he had heard. The company that T works for is going out of business. They will be open until the end of March, then T will be out of a job. Today my mom gave me some more news. She and M work at the same place (in fact, my mom is one of her bosses - that's what happens when you live in a small town, everyone is connected) and she gave me the news. M was fired from her job two days ago due to violating a company policy.

Now, my first reaction (who the hell am I kidding, my ongoing reaction) is to feel slightly vindicated and to suggest to the lot of them to not cast stones when you live in a glass house. I want to say to T's mom "who's the unstable, unsettled couple now?" But, deep down, I also feel really concerned for them. Yes, they've said and done some stupid things that hurt my feelings and ruined our friendship, but they have a child on the way. There are virtually no jobs in the area in which we live. How are they going to survive? What about the house they purchased 2 1/2 years ago? Who will pay the rent?

I feel concern and pain for them, but I also feel like a wrong has somehow been righted. I feel real guilt at feeling the small sense of glee that I have in my heart at knowing they might be realizing how their blind judgement made The Hubs and I feel, but at the same time, that glee is still present.

Am I a horrible person? Should I reach out to them now, or just let the past be the past? I'm not sure I can ever forgive them for the comments that have been made and we'll certainly never be as close as we were, but should I even bother? Or should I simply be praying/hoping for the best for them and let sleeping dogs lie? I trust all of your judgement and I could really use your advice. I think it would be helpful to have some intelligent, outside-the-situation input. Thanks in advance for anything you have to say!

Time to Start Talking and Be Heard

*Despite it's dubious beginnings, this is not a political post.*

I don't think I've made it a secret on here that I'm a Republican. I'm actually probably more of a Libertarian than a Republican, but in the US, that's splitting hairs. I'm conservative in that I don't believe abortion should be used as birth control, I believe in low taxes and limited government involvement. However, I also believe in a person's right to love whomever they choose. So, do I believe same-sex couples should be discriminated against because they choose to spend their life with someone of the same sex? Hell no! They should be given the same rights and respects in tax and probate law that straight couples are given. I will support that right until the day I die.

But, I digress. This is not actually a politically motivated post. I say all of the above simply to say that The Huffington Post is not one of my normal online haunts. However, I was lounging about in Twitter today (when I should have been working) and I noticed that one of my friends had tweeted this post. I was curious, so I broke my stictly-no-political-sites-when-online-for-fun rule (The Hubs is politics obsessed and loves to discuss it with me, so I avoid when relaxing online) and moseyed on over for a peek.

I'll be the first to admit, I expected the worst. To my surprise, Dina Roth Port had done an outstanding job with this article, managing to capture many of the concerns IFers have and really getting it, something I'm not used to non-IFers accomplishing.

She's right, too. We need to start speaking up! Shouting it from the rooftops! Proudly proclaiming that IF is nothing to be ashamed of, but simply to be fought against! Can you imagine the faces of those ignorant of the real stuggles of infertiles if they were only forced to listen and understand? Can you imagine a time when we didn't have to fight insurance companies to pay for things that should not even be considered fertility treatment (ultrasounds to determine if we have cysts, follow up appointments for surgery due to endometriosis or hyperplasia), a time when infertility was looked on as what it really is - a disease worth treating?

I'm eager for that day to come. I look forward to a time when non-infertiles can understand and be educated in what they don't understand; when they will get that comments such as "just relax" do not help in the relaxation process, but instead lead only to more stress because how can we relax when we don't know how to fix it! And when they understand that it's not as simple as "you can always adopt". Adoption is long, hard, expensive route and that, for some people (myself included) it is the right path, but that - for others - it may not be an option due to finances, disappointments or any multitude of other complications.

I have some thoughts of ways to speak up and out for infertility, but they need more work right now. When the time is right, I'll share those with you and ask for your help. In the meantime, speak up about infertility! Let's make IF less of a taboo topic. Let's show people that situations such as Octo-Mom are the exception and not the rule where infertility is concerned and show them that the real faces of infertility are yours and mine.

The Infertility Tree

Yesterday evening, The Hubs and I set out on a mission. I had seen the perfect (if fake) Christmas tree at Walmart right after Christmas. It was 7 ½ ft tall and 5 ft wide. It had 1974 tips and it was pre-lit. I was in love with it, even though I have a perfectly fine 6 ½ ft tall by 3 ft wide tree that’s only been used once. I still want to keep that tree, but I have this crazy dream of having a Christmas tree in every room of the house when we finally have our perfect house. I love Christmas and I want to spread as much cheer in my life as I can.

At the time we first saw it, it was 50% off, but it was still more than I wanted to pay. The store had 38 of the trees, so I thought I would wait for it to go on 75% off, thus only paying $49.50 for it rather than the original $198. The store we had seen it in is 45 minutes from our home (our local Walmart didn’t get this tree in), so we decided yesterday would be the perfect time to go get our tree.

We drove over to the town where this store is located, excitement filling our car. I think The Hubs was almost as excited as me about the prospect of this tree that would fill our home next Christmas. We eagerly entered the store and walked towards the seasonal items. As we grew closer to that section, we began to notice something. The aisles seemed very bare of Christmas items. Oh, the odd one was here and there, but not as I would expect it to be. Maybe that was because it was a week and a half after Christmas, and maybe I’m naïve, but I expected there to still be a large selection of items. I didn’t fret though. I wasn’t there for any of the ornaments or wrapping paper, not for the packaging boxes or the leftover Christmas cards. I was there for one thing and one thing only: my 7 ½ ft Christmas tree.

We wandered on and came to the area where all the trees had been. Standing there with The Hubs, looking around at the storage boxes surrounding us, I felt my heart sink into my knees. Where my beautiful tree had lain in its box the week before now sat only more storage boxes. All the trees were gone. I felt gutted.

This may seem like an overreaction on my part about a Christmas tree, and maybe it was, but you have to remember I am currently infused with Provera and an increased dose of diabetic and thyroid medications. I don’t know which of those (but I’m betting on the Provera) has me so emotional this week, but I have rollercoastered between extreme sadness and extreme anger. I’ve not experienced a great deal of joy or happiness this week (apart from snuggling with The Hubs each evening and finding out my brother would be coming home in a week ), but I was really looking forward to getting that tree and feeling the happiness from imagining the Christmases we would have around it with our children.

As it was, I saw those dreams cracking and falling down around my ears as I stood in Walmart. I felt my eyes welling up with tears, but I managed to hold them back. The Hubs noticed and asked me why I was so upset (he wasn’t being nasty about it, he was just concerned) and I explained to him that it felt like more than losing just a Christmas tree. The disappointment of losing that tree felt so much like the disappointment of finding out we were suffering from infertility that, in that moment standing there in the middle of Walmart, that long-gone Christmas tree became the symbol of our inability to conceive.

It was like time stood still and I was engulfed by all the disappointments over the last seven years. I saw every negative HPT we’ve had, every announcement a real life friend had made, every snide comment about us not having children, every well-meant-but-unnecessary piece of advice about what we were doing wrong and every joke made at our expense about “not doing it right” all roll through my head. I felt the weight of the IF cross crash fully down on me as I stood staring unseeingly at red and green storage boxes.

Who knew the loss of a 75% off Christmas tree could make you feel so worthless?

My saving grace? The Hubs wrapped his arms around me and said “Our time will come. We will be parents.” This gave me the strength to pull it together and not embarrass myself any further in the store. We left shortly after that and went to get some dinner. I’m better today, but if I stop moving and working for even a minute, I can feel that hollowness swallowing me again.

Merry Christmas!

Today has been a good day in the Wistful household. We've been over at my mom's house and, although she's been sick and moody, we had a good time. We had a nice meal (turkey, ham, dressing, potato salad and mustard greens) and opened gifts. My mom, dad, brother, niece, The Hubs and I were present for the meal and my sister and niece joined us for the gift exchange. The Hubs and I had done our own gift exchange before we left home.

While I got some really lovely gifts, the holiday felt a little empty. It's nice watching my nieces open their gifts, but I want our own little one in the middle of the fray. I was talking with The Hubs earlier today and I said how much I hope at the end of each year that we'll have a child to join us for the next year. I also said I didn't know if wanting a child so desperately but not believing it would really happen was keeping it from being so. However, I also said that, if I really truly believe with all my heart it will happen and it doesn't, I would be so much more devestated during the holidays. I truly don't know which would be worse.

The more I long for a child and it doesn't happen, the harder and harder it becomes to believe in my heart it will happen one day. I'm hopeful for 2011 because so many things have changed. Firstly, we are seeing an RE now and we've fixed/are in the process of fixing a lot of the problems that have been plaguing me, so that offers hope. Also, our job situations are so much better now than they have been anytime in the last five years, with both of us employed in seemingly steady jobs. And The Hubs has finally told his family that we're trying. Surely all these positives should add up to a positive year, right? I keep hoping, but I often feel foolish for doing so.

It's difficult to explain this to anyone outside the IF community. Even family members who wish us the best can't understand the feeling of desperation and emptiness that accompany the holidays for us. I've always been a huge fan of the fall and winter holiday season - in fact, I'd go so far as to say this has always been my favorite time of year. But in the last few years, it's become less and less so because of what we're missing.

My youngest niece is 9 now. There are only a couple more years left of that true childhood magic Christmas brings. I want our child to be here before that's over for Bug (youngest niece). I want them to share something the way she and Boop (older niece) did. I want them to have that connection. I know it's a tenuous connection, and probably one that is only in my head, but it's improtant to me. I don't want there to be this whole generation gap between them. And I don't want to feel jealous any longer of the joy I see on my sister's and brother's faces when they watch their children enjoying the Christmas magic. I'm praying for a miracle this next year.

Now, I've whined long enough. I'll wrap this post up by wishing each of you the most wonderful holiday season! I pray you each had a safe and joyous Christmas. I'm now going to enjoy the evening with my wonderful husband by watching A Christmas Carol and enjoying a glass of sparkling white grape juice mixed with champagne. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas evening!

What's the Skinny, Lynnie?

You may be wondering what grand business has held my rapt attention for the last couple of months and kept me away from you. Well, I'm here to tell you it was.....really nothing. Not a lot has happened, I just needed a little bit of a break from blogging, but now I'm back to it. In case you were supremely and voraciously interested in what had been going on in my life the last couple of months, I will try to update you.

Second Six Week D&C Follow-Up

As you may remember from my last updating post, I was waiting for AF to come along. It took two rounds of Megace and stop to bring the ole' gal on but she finally arrived. And proceeded to stay for 3 weeks! Had to start Megace back to stop her. Dr O wanted me to be on Megace for 10 days and then stop. Or at least that's what I was told. When I had been off the Megace again for 10 days and called to find out what my next move was, I was told that he had wanted me to take the Megace for another 40 days, not 10. I had been told differently, but they said I misunderstood. Not sure what happened, but I, nonetheless, was once again started on Megace to go for 30 days and then have another endo.metrial biopsy to see if hyper.plasia is still present. After all this backing and forthing and waiting, that biopsy will happen this Friday. Cross your fingers for some good news, please! I'm hoping no hyper.plasia is present and we can finally get started on our fertility treatment with the RE. I'll also finally be seeing the regular endocrin.ologist on December 30 for my escalating sugar levels. Hoping I get good news there!

Work

We have now hired two more people to replace the one who moved to another department and the one who was let go. They're currently still training, but I think they'll do okay. I also now have a new boss. My old boss decided she wanted to slow down after being asked by her husband to do so. Her last day was earlier this month and another staff member who had been the manager of my area before moved back to the position. I like her and I think I'll get on well with her. I'm still supervising my little department, but she is who I will answer to.

Birthday

So another year has passed and I am now officially 32 years old. I was on vacation the week of my birthday. I spent the day with my mom visiting doctor's offices. Fun stuff, really.

Anniversary

In addition to celebrating another birthday, The Hubs and I also celebrated another anniversary. We have now been married 8 years. Since my anniversary is the day after my birthday, I was still on vacation, so I made chili for The Hubs' office (he had to work) and carried it up. The Hubs and I had lunch together and I treated his office as well. A good job, I feel.

Thanksgiving and Vacation Trip

In that same vacation week, we celebrated Thanksgiving (my birthday was Monday, November 22, anniversary was Tuesday, November 23) and left for our vacation trip to Helen, GA. Thanksgiving was good. We celebrated with my mom, dad and brother. Then, after the meal, we left headed for our break. We rented a cabin in Helen, GA for the weekend. It was marvelous! The cabin was beautiful and very private. We saw the official lighting of the town for Christmas and saw a beautiful waterfall! We had our pup, Isabel, with us and just generally had a fabulous time. Really glad we did it.

My ankle

A few posts back you may have seen the photo of my swollen ankle. As I think I mentioned then, this is something that I've been suffering with off and on for 2 years. Well, I finally gave in and got my regular doctor to order an MRI of my ankle. The results? 3 chronically torn ligaments, the talar dome (weight-bearing bone) has a bad lesion and is impending collapse. Bloody fantastic news! (*Note: You should have read extreme sarcasm in that statement!) My regular doc referred me to an orthapedic surgeon and 3 visits and one CAT scan later, it looks like I will probably be having surgery on my ankle in either late March or early April. We are looking at the possibility of me getting away with the lighter surgery (laprascopic clean-out) rather than the more in-depth surgery (they would cut through my ankle bone, clear out the bad bone and replace it with cadaver bone). The difference is that with the laprascopic surgery, I would probably only be out of work for about 6 weeks, while with the other, there would be no weight-bearing on that ankle at all for 3 months. Please say a prayer we can successfully do the laprascopic sugery!

You may be asking why we're waiting so long to do the surgery and that leads to my last bit of news:

I'm going to Vegas!!!!

Yup, you read that right! The Hubs' boss is taking the entire office to Las Vegas in early March and I'm going with him. I only have to purchase my plane ticket (The Hubs' is already taken care of) and the room is paid for. Now, we'll also have to pay for food and entertainment, but, come on, how many times in your life do you get half of a Vegas trip paid for? I am super-duper excited and really looking forward to the trip. The Hubs and I are going to try to see a Cirque du Soleil show while we're there. If anyone has any other suggestions of things that are a must for us to do, please let me know!

So that's what I've been up to. I told you there wasn't really much of interest happening. On a side note, I'm thinking of starting Secret Pals back up in January. What do you think? I'm also planning to make my New Year's resolution to complete things I start in relation to things I do in my leisure time. I'm good about finishing my work projects, but I'm pretty flaky when it comes to my personal projects. I want to work on this more over the next year. I feel it'll help me relax some and possibly be more healthy. Hope all my lovely bloggy buds are doing great!

What the Future Holds

I failed miserably on the 30-Day Blogging Challenge. Although I do have an explanation, which I will give you later in this post. I also think I will pick the blogging challenge back up tomorrow.

Tonight, though, I'm just feeling contemplative. I've been this way a lot lately. In fact, I'm not so sure I'd call it so much contemplative as melancholy. I've been been extremely tearful and weepy in recent days (okay, weeks). I keep thinking about what my appointment in October will reveal. Or possibly what the appointment I have coming up this week will show. I know it isn't helpful to feel the way I'm feeling, but I honestly feel like the news I will be getting will be negative. Since the surgery I've been having pain off and on as I would normally have AF-like cramps. Of course, the medication I'm taking prevents AF from coming, so that can't be what it is. What this leads me to believe is that my endometrial lining will prove to simply grow hyperplasic. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but that means that, even if I can make my wonky, PCOS-riven ovaries do what the heck they're supposed to do and the egg they produce can find it's way to the one remaining tube I have (and, since there has been no HSG done yet, who even knows if it's clear and working) and that egg manages to get fertilized, it will never, ever implant. That is my fear right now. It is the only reality I can believe in.

I know this shouldn't mean that the dream of being parents would be over for us, but it does feel that way. Right now, the expense of adoption through an agency is not within our grasp. I'm trying to finish school (which I will do in 2 years) and the Hubs is currently (thanks to the pitiful economic situation we have in place at the moment) working in a job well below his earning potential. However, since he was out of work for 16 months and has only been employed again for 6 months and the job market in our area is beyond wretched, the chances of his job situation changing anytime soon is remote. I have a job where I make good money (at least for this part of the state), but it makes me miserable lately. We're feeling the crunch of the economy at my workplace as well and are currently on a hiring freeze, which means the employee in my parent department (the department I supervise is within this parent department) who is leaving at the end of September will not be replaced. In addition to my job, I will be taking over part of her's and another team member I supervise will be taking over another bit of her job. What this means for me is a significant increase in my work load (read: stress level) and no additional pay.

So, for now, adoption is on hold. I'm also aware that two years (or even three or four) isn't that long a time-frame (I'm probably more aware of this than most people), but when we're talking about waiting for our child, it seems forever. It feels like there would be too many other things that could/would go wrong in the meantime. I see our potential parenthood slipping away, like I can feel the wispy fingers of our child sliding out of mine while a thief stands grinning at me and pulling my child away.

My heart feels heavy and my stomach clenches in fear of the unknown future that awaits us. I don't think my heart could handle not being a mother. In my mind and soul, I already am a mother, I just have no child to mother. The Hubs still holds hope and optimism that we will get good news from the doctor or that things will turn around for us somehow, somewhere. I just don't, at the moment, feel these are realistic dreams.

Sorry for such a self-pitying post. Please forgive me for it.

In answer to where I've been, The Hubs and I are involved with our local Arts and Entertainment Council and we've been in the middle of a production for the last couple of weeks; a beach, blues and boogie themed musical and dancing. It's over now for a while, so I will hopefully be back to blogging some. You see what happens when I'm away.....I go all melancholy and self-pitying on you.

A Tide of Emotions in the Face of a Friend's Pain

I'm feeling incredibly sad today. Someone I consider a good friend (although, this is more because I read her blog religiously and less because I chat with her frequently. In fact, the chatting is rare and she has her comments turned off, so I'm not even sure if she realizes I visit) is going through quite a rough time. It may be that this situation turns out wonderfully for my friend; then again, it could mean that she experiences a kind of pain that is akin to losing a part of yourself. A kind of pain I am intimately familiar with, having gone through it earlier this year.

The pain of a failed adoption is unlike any other. It's not even something that is easy to describe to someone unless they have experienced it themselves. It's not like losing a child you already have, because this child is not yet your's and therefore the people surrounding you who are removed from the situation (i.e. not the friends and family who are standing by you and feel the loss themselves) are unwilling to allow you time to grieve. They do not see it as your right. In fact, it is almost as if they are threatened that you dare feel loss over a child who was "never yours".

The pain is also unlike that of a miscarriage. Although mother's who have suffered a miscarriage also find themselves the target of such ignorant people as those indicated above who expect them not to grieve or find offense that they do, a failed adoptive mother often herself feels she has no right to grieve the loss of the child. In this situation, the fact that the child still lives, albeit with someone other than the adoptive parent - the birth parent or another adoptive parent - limits the adoptive parents own acceptance of the need to grieve. We still feel the hurt and pain, but we feel as though we should be happy! After all, the baby is thriving! It's healthy and is surrounded by people who love it! How could I be so selfish as to feel pity for myself for not being the one to parent this child?

We often don't give ourselves enough of a break to understand that we have suffered a loss. We are allowed to grieve that loss. We are allowed to feel bitter and resentful that all the hopes and dreams we put into that tiny life have been revoked due to the choice of another human. Although it may not seem fair to the birthmother, we are allowed to privately feel an ounce of anger. I'm not advocating that we say or do anything to the birth mother, but simply that we do not have to feel guilty for feeling the anger. It's natural. Over time, yes, it's possible to come to an acceptance that God had other plans, that the birthmother was entitled to enjoy her right to raise her own child. But remember that we are also humans, we mothers-who-almost-were, and that we are entitled to feel our own grief and to nurture our own hurts. We can't always be the strong one or the one others turn to when things need smoothing over or feelings need soothing. Sometimes we need to flash that bit of selfishness and tend to ourselves; just back away from life like a damaged kitten and lick our wounds. It is okay.

To wind up this post, please join me in saying a prayer for Her Womb, Our Hearts. Pray that the right decision for everyone involved will be made and that God's Will will be done. That's all J is asking for. She's such a better human than me. She's thinking more of the birthmother than herself. I was so caught up in my bitterness that I never had time for that. Please think of her during this tough, tough time.

Cross-posted with Excuse Me While I Cry and BlogHer

What (the ALI) Community Means To Me

Happy 300th Post, Friday Blog Roundup!
(Picture not taken by me, but isn't it a beautiful cake?!)

Mel's Friday Blog Roundup has reached it's 300th edition! To help her celebrate, she's asked all her readers to write a post about what community - and in particular, the ALI community - means to them. This is my effort for that project.

I'll start with a little background (although most of you already know this).

The Hubs and I met online in August 2000 (the 30th of this month will be our 10 year anniversary!!) and began an online friendship that transpired over a nine month time period to being more than "just friends". In June 2001, The Hubs (who at that time was just "The Boyfriend") made the 9 hour flight to meet me for the first time. Neither of us knew what that meeting would signify for our relationship. We knew that the meeting was a precipice that would either catupult us forward into a future full of the promise of a life together, or it would close the chapter on what would have only been able to be defined as a naive experiment. I'm pleased to report that the former of these options was our outcome, in case you were in any doubt ;D.

But with that meeting and the promise of a loving future came some very harsh realities. We were still several thousand miles (okay, 4637 mile to be exact - what can I say? I'm an internet geek and there was a website I found way back then that would calculate the total miles from one address to another) away from one another on a regular basis. Anyone who has ever been in a long distance relationship knows that all the regular problems any relationship has are magnified when you add in the distance. This led to my first foray into the community of the internet. Heretofore, my only contact with anyone else online had been The Hubs (I met him my very first time on the internet. He is the only person I have ever "chatted" to without having known them in some previous sort of context such as a forum or a blog).

My first non-Hubs community was at Lovingyou.com. Way back in 2001 they had an awesome support group for online and long distance relationships. There I met a host of others who were currently involved with, or had previously been involved with, someone they had met online. And it was there that I met my long-time friends Mrs. B. Thrift at Hawthorn Hill and British American Mom (who, sadly, no longer seems to post to her blog, but whom I do keep up with on Facebook). I love these ladies! They are like family to me. I guess that's what happens when you're friends with someone for so long.

In late 2001/early 2002, the boards at Lovingyou.com subtlely began to change and another frequenter of the board began a Yahoo chat grop, The Online Wives Club. This opened up a whole new community and a whole new group of friends. It was there that I became good friends with Moonflower Child (the group's founder) and Ace's Wyf, again, ladies I am still very good friends with to this day.

Later that same year (after my move to England and my official engagement to The Hubs), several of us in the group discovered the medium of blogging and opened our own blogs. My very first blog, Ponderings From The Crazy American, was my own little corner of the net devoted to notating the changes in my life since moving to England, complaining about the things I didn't like, praising the things I did and providing my family with news of my comings and goings. It also opened a whole new world of community to me and allowed me to make new friends who, although they no longer have blogs, I still am in contact with via Facebook.

My second blog, Moonlight Ponderings, started in 2004 and continued on through our return back to the USA in 2006. After we'd been back for about 10 months or so, I stopped blogging. Nothing really seemed to be happening. We had started trying for a family on our first wedding anniversary, but we didn't share this with anyone. Neither of us wanted to admit to our families something we knew they would discourage and neither of us wanted to admit that, what we felt should be a simple thing to accomplish, wasn't happening. All the friends I had made in the communities I had been a part of were starting families of their own and I was being left behind. It felt more sensible to withdraw to myself for a while. There were sporadic moments of starting to blog again, but they were few and far between.

Then, in 2008, we decided to begin TTC in earnest. It wasn't until nearly a year later that I decided to begin blogging again full-time. At that point, I googled "TTC blogs" and stumbled across the former blog of K at QWaiting for Sunflower. I left her a comment and, within minutes, she had responded back and directed me towards the greatest gift I have found since that long ago day I stumbled onto Lovingyou.com. She sent me off to the headquarters of the IF world, Stirrup Queens. It was such a relief to find somewhere I finally belonged again. Somewhere I fit in. And not only did I fit in, but I no longer felt alone.

What does the ALI community mean to me? It means seeing my past, my present and my future all meeting at one place. It means being linked to where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm headed and being able to interact with others in those places. I can offer support to those who are where I've been. I can wait and analyze and sympathize with those who are where I am now. I can look forward and get a grasp of where I will be, what my options are and why what we choose will work for us, all from the view of those who have gone before me and who are there to offer their hand, their heart and their head in support of my choices.

The Past

A Mum @ Heart - A friend from years ago who also met her spouse online and a fellow PCOSer who just started this TTC game early this year.

The F-Bomb - Been trying for two years, but wanting to avoid medical treatments. Tired of hearing "Just relax and it will happen." My kind of girl!

Savor The Moment - Possible PCOS diagnosis, a year of TTC, still no baby. Desperately wanting to be parents.

Someday, maybe I can offer support or advice to these ladies or others like them.

The Present

Confessions of an (Infertile) Shopaholic - Another PCOSer. Married just one year less than me, trying just one year less than me. Still that BFP is elusive.

Only one for this category, but still, so close to my situation it's frightening.

The Future

No Lingerie Here - I love Kelly's blog! And it makes me so hopeful for what the future may bring.

Waiting for Sunflower - K is a fellow PCOSer who overcame the obstacles and is now parenting!

I Can Haz Bebe? - After much heartache (and a similar situation to one we had early this year), Bon is now parenting her little girl through international adoption!

Her Womb, Our Hearts - Mama J and Hubby have just been matched with a birthmother!! I'm so excited for them and am praying everything goes smoothly for them.

Hopes, Dreams and New Beginnings - Sweet Pea and her hubby made the tough decision to live child-free. I hope if we ever have to make this decision, she'll be there for me to talk to - and I know she will. She's that kind of lady.

This is a much larger category because I just don't know where we'll wind up. I don't know what our future holds. But I am very glad it holds this community that I can lean on and turn to for advice, that I can offer advice when needed and be the shoulder for someone else to cry on in their darkest moments. I love my community!

And She Emerges....

...with a sheepish grin. Hi. I'm Lynn. You might remember me from such blogs as this one.

Okay, sorry I've been MIA lately. I honestly have been so busy I haven't known if I was coming or going, but I did want to stop by and let you all know I was okay and what I have learned this month.

First off, not all of my absenteeism has been IF related. Work has been super crazy! I am trying to get a new staff member in our area because we really need it! The small amount of time I took off for my doctor's visits and time taken off by my colleague to care for sick children has put our department behind and we are fighting to get caught back up, but the work is coming in at a rate we can't keep up with! Please say a prayer that we can get the new member of staff we so desperately need.

Moving on....the stuff you've been waiting for.....IF progress and bloodwork findings. I have been off Met.formin now for about 3 weeks. So far, so good. My sugar has been slightly elevated, but nothing too terrible. It has been manageable. On the weight loss front, I'm doing okay. I've lost maybe a couple of pounds and, while I haven't completely cut carbs from my diet, I have cut them back considerably. The magnesium supplements don't really seem to have done much for my headaches. I still have pretty bad ones. I'll discuss that with my RE when I see him next. My appointment with the pulmonologist is scheduled for June 9. It will be a consultation for a sleep study and I'll probably get an order to have a pulmonary function test done as well.

Onto bloodwork. All of my bloodwork has now come back (still some to do for The Hubs, but that will come in July). My sugar levels were okay (of course, I'd been on Met.formin for some time when the blood was drawn, so that may have contributed to that), but my triglycerides were very high. My uric acid levels were slightly elevated and I have had gout before, so that is consistent. My TSH levels were fine, as they always are, so would seem to be no suspect for thy.roid problems except.....my TPO (thy.roid perox.idase) levels which are supposed to be under 35 were actually 871!!! For anyone who doesn't know much about this test, this means that the number of antibodies fighting against my thy.roid should be under 35 but there are actually 871, so that means there are some serious thy.roid issues! I haven't started thy.roid medication yet, but it's coming soon. My RE seemed a bit concerned about this and said there was an auto.immune disease present (probably Hash.imoto's or Ord's Disease). The blood test for MTHFR came back positive for heterozygous MTHFR, so we can chaulk up one more problem to add into my already overflowing barrell. And, last but not least, two pro.gesterone draws have indicated levels below 0.7, so this means I will be having another en.dome.trial biopsy done on Monday, June 7. Woo-hoo for me! (I'm sorry, did that sound sarcastic?)

All in all, not the greatest results, but at least we now have more of an idea what we're up against. I'll be able to tell you more (hopefully) after the biopsy on Monday. My RE wants to do one more pro.gesterone test on Monday morning, then Monday afternoon he'll do the biopsy. Fun. At least I've already carried the prescription for my little medication cocktail to the pharmacy to be filled in preparation for the procedure.

Now, moving onto other important things, in lieu of all that has been going on this month (and the fact I haven't yet gotten the June list for Secret Pals up), I'm thinking that this month I won't open the list, but will start it again for July. Those of you who participated in May can carry on celebrating the Pal you had for May throughout June and those wanting to participate can sign up when I open the July list in a couple of weeks. Anyone have any objections to this arrangement? If so, please let me know and I'll reconsider what to do.

In concluding this post, I'll tell you a bit about our Memorial Day and leave you with a photo first. The Hubs and I decided to go to the beach for the day. We didn't wear swimsuits or carry them, because we had no real intention of going in the water. Why then, you may ask, did we go to the beach? Well, despite living most of my life on the coast (well, a couple of hours away), I have never been to the beach. I can't swim and, so, it's never really been a big thing for me. But, The Hubs, being the great guy he is, wanted me to experience it. So, we headed off for Savannah, had a fantastically delicious meal at the Indian restaurant (Pakwan) at the mall (not only was the food great, but it was very inexpensive! we had a lunch buffett each and the total cost - with tip - came to only $25!), and then we headed for the beach! While The Hubs did not go into the water, I did wade a bit. It was my first venture into the ocean. So, on that note, I leave you with a photo most have made when they are small children, but for me came at the grand old age of 31.

RE Apointment and Some Fun

Had my appointment this past Wednesday with the RE. First off, I have to say I really, really liked him! He's got just the right attitude for me - not too forceful, but not a pushover either.

The first part of the visit went as expected. We did a baseline ultrasound, which showed a cyst on my left ovary. He was unsure if this cyst is a "workable" cyst (i.e. it will dissolve on its own either in ovulation or just a normal cyst some women get in cycles) or a "non-workable" cyst, such as the one I had removed 3 years ago. He said we would definitely monitor and see what is happening with it. He measured my endometrium and said it was of a good thickness, but it looked cloudy/snowy on the u/s as if I were on CD21 rather than CD11 as I actually was on. He ordered a progesterone draw to see where I actually was in my cycle since I had taken Pro.vera to bring this cycle on.

Now, onto his recommendations. He approached things a little differently than I had thought, but still covered most of the same items. He stated that his first agenda was to get me healthy. Right now, he's concerned that I wouldn't be healthy enough to carry a baby. He said there would likely be problems for me and for the baby as well. Therefore, his first order of business was to refer me to a pulmonologist for an evaluation for asthma and sleep apnea (as suspected). That was what I expected, so nothing unusual there. My appointment with the pulmonologist will be on June 9.

The next thing he discussed was my chronic headaches/migraines. I had thought he would send me for an MRI, but instead he told me that recent research had suggested that women who suffered from migraines often had a magnesium deficiency, so his recommendation was to start a special supplement of magnesium (it has some other things in it and they gave it to me in the office as it can only be ordered online and is not available in stores). I'm to take one in the morning with food and one in the evening with food for two weeks, then one in the morning with food and two in the evening with food. I'm also to keep a record of any headaches I have.

Next, he told me he wanted me to stop taking Met.formin for six weeks and monitor my blood sugar very closely so he could diagnose insulin resistance or diabetes himself. So far my sugar has been running very slightly high, but nothing scary. I'm also to monitor my blood pressure closely, as he will probably be sending me to my regular GP to start blood pressure medication. He suspects I have hyper.tension and he doesn't want to risk that getting worse with a pregnancy. That, sadly, is running pretty high.

The next order of business was to discuss all the bloodwork he wanted me to have done. On Wednesday, I had two large vials of blood drawn, then on Thursday I had four more of the large vials and three medium-sized vials drawn. I still have another lab to be drawn - the one testing for MTHFR - but I had to be sure my insurance would pay for it because it is an extremely expensive lab! I'll be having that one drawn sometime this week, hopefully. Some of the bloodwork has already come back (the benefits of working in a hospital - I checked for the labs that were already back) and my triglycerides are high (surprise, surprise), my white blood count is slightly elevated, my red blood count is slightly low and my uric acid levels are elevated (I feel a gout attack is probably coming soon - I truly had that!). Once I find out more, I'll let you know those.

Our other discussions were about doing an HSG after all the bloodwork came back and he was satisfied with that, as well as another endometrial biopsy. He has already given me a prescription for a drug pack to get me throught he biopsy, which is definitely an improvement over the first time I had it done (Dr. Bashful told me it wouldn't hurt at all and there was no need for me to take anything - not even any Tyl.enol or Ale.ve), so I'm not dreading it too much. The Hubs will be having another SA done. Again, we aren't too worried about that as his first one had a count of 76 million, motility of 70% the first 3 hours and morphology of 80%. Our RE said he was dubious of a morphology of 80% because the "normal" man only had a morphology of 7 to 8%, so not really sure about that (he did say his research was more experimental than some in this area). After The Hubs is added to my insurance in July, he will also be seeing a pulmonologist to check his lungs as well as, when he had his physical for immigrating from England, his lung x-ray showed some nodules on his lung and he was sent to a specialist before they could okay his visa. Fortunately, it was only scar tissue from having bronchitis when he was younger.

There was also the mention of weight loss (although, to his credit, of the two and a half our appointment less than five minutes was spent on discussing weight loss and he said he knew it was very difficult for those with insulin resistance). We talked about diet and exercise and he also mentioned that lap band surgery was an option. The Hubs and I decided that for now I would try diet and exercise again. I'm really not enthused about the idea of surgery for weight loss. I've heard some good things about it, but I've heard more bad, so that will be a last resort. The Hubs and I are going to try the Sou.th Bea.ch Diet and see how that works for us.

I think I've remembered everything from the appointment. If I remember anything else, I'll post about it. It certainly is a lot to take in in a short period of time!

Now for the fun stuff. I have tried three times previously to complete a project of taking a self-portrait of myself every day for a year. I have failed this task three times, lol. So, I decided I would try once more and, maybe with your help, I can complete it. I thought this would be a great year to complete the project and hopefully I'll get the opportunity to take some pregnancy photos of myself. I would appreciate any comments you make and definitely any suggestions of photo ideas! You can view my year in photos at Wistfulgirl in 365-D. Hope you enjoy it!