Show and Tell - Vol 2

Our dog Isabel is very funny about her toys. She loves to have toys, both stuffed and the vinyl kind. But, the reason she seems to love them is because she gets to destroy them! She loves to tear the stuffing out of the stuffed ones so that she can get to the squeaky bit and chew it up. Then she'll carry around the shell of the toy forever. The vinyl ones she just loves to chew up into bits. I don't know why she likes to do this, I just know it makes her happy and, as long as there is nothing to choke her left, I don't guess it matters that she destroys the toys.

This photo is of her with a brand new toy. It lasted approximately 2 minutes before it was ripped slightly at the end and the stuffing was all over the living room floor. She happily watched, tail wagging, while I cleaned the stuffing off the floor. She now sleeps contentedly with the canvas carcass of her latest conquest!

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Thoughts on the IF Journey

Alone.
So much alone
On this journey.

Though many go before me
And still others follow
In this journey I am alone.

Even he who walks beside me
Holding my hand down this path
Can not know my pain.
It is mine alone
As his belongs solely to him.

Though a dream shared,
A battle both have fought,
Disappointment simultaneously felt,
In this ache we are both still

Alone.

The Hubs and I were talking last night about our IF journey and how far we had come and how far we still had yet to go. We were discussing how each of us felt at this point in the journey and how we felt others might be feeling when they reached this point. These words just came to me while we were talking, so I grabbed a pen and wrote them down.

I think that, while we all share this journey, the pain is ours alone. We can't know how each individual feels. We can't know exactly how even our partner feels. Pain is such an intimate private thing. It can't be explained. It can only be felt in each person's own way.

Thoughtlessness

The girl that I am covering for at work is due to deliver her twins at any moment. She is having twin boys. She did not undergo any fertility treatment to conceive her twins. She and her husband were not trying to have a baby. She told me that she had not planned on having children for several years but she wasn't upset about it. She wasn't, however, overjoyed by the turn of events. She said she would "deal with it" though. I bit my tongue to keep from telling her how lucky she really was and had no conception of her blessings.

I have to travel around our workplace several times each day to collect the information I need to do my job. Everyone is, of course, very excited about the impending birth. They also, of course, question me about how mother is doing and if the babies have been born yet. I understand their curiousity. I really do. Secretly, though, I wish they would ask our supervisor, our other co-worker, the ladies who clean, the man who repairs the copier, anyone other than me. Its like a knife cutting through me when I have to relay that she started dilating last week, that each twin weighs almost 6 lbs, that mom is on bedrest and is expected to deliver at any time. I know why this duty falls to me and I am happy for her, I just, unfairly, feel a bit resentful.

The fact that we're trying is not a secret. Everyone knows. Yet I keep hearing "don't worry", "when the time's right it will happen", "you're still very young", "you've got plenty of time", "it'll happen when you quit trying" (how this is supposed to work, I'll never know, everytime we BD I think about it!), "the Lord just doesn't think its right for you to have a child right now", "you're too young to be worrying about children" (in the same breath they're saying how great a mother my co-worker is going to be despite being 6 years younger than me), "maybe you're not meant to be a mother", "the Lord knows who needs children and who doesn't". Honestly, these comments range from thoughtless to down-right cruel. Don't they understand that none of these statements help. I would rather they just not mention it, but they feel compelled to comment on it everytime they ask about the impending birth.

Would it be rude to cover my ears and run away screaming when someone makes one of these comments?

Bitterness and Jealousy

I feel really bitter today.

Lately, it seems every way I turn, someone else is pregnant. And I really am happy for them. I really wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, but I can’t help but think why can’t that be me? I feel awful for the jealousy that engulfs me, but, short of locking myself in a room somewhere and never coming out, I don’t know how to not feel the evil green monster every time I see a baby belly or a small person.

The truly awful thing about it is that I even feel jealous of ladies who have suffered a pregnancy loss. I know that sounds horrible of me and I really, truly feel for them and wish it had not happened to them. But in the same breath I think how in six years I haven’t ever had a BFP. I’ve never seen two pink lines. I’ve never felt a flutter in my tummy that was my child moving. I’ve never felt the excitement that comes with knowing there is a life inside of you. I’ve never been able to dream of the potential held in that one little moment when it seems life is finally coming full circle. I’ve never been able to give my husband the gift of telling him he is a father. So many things I’ve never been able to do and then there is the worry. Will I ever be pregnant? Am I even able to get pregnant? What if it never happens for us? What if, for some unknown reason, we’re unable to adopt a child? Are we forever destined to be without children?

I know that by having never suffered a loss, we’ve been spared the heartbreak of having our dream within our reach and then having it snatched away. I know I don’t actually want to suffer a loss and I really do feel tremendously awful for feeling this jealousy. And I want to take this time to apologize to anyone who has suffered a loss. I honestly am not intending to make light of what you’ve suffered. I truly do ache that you’ve had to endure it. No one should have to go through something like that.

I just wonder. What if? What if I never have the opportunity to be a mom? Is that where I’m headed?