To The Doctor We Go

I have a visit scheduled with Dr. O tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it because I know it will just be more of the same. He won't be happy with the amount of weight I've lost (which, to be honest, isn't much....despite Adipex and walking 2 miles every day) and will push for gastric bypass, which I'm not going to do. I'm just not. I've thought about it, I've considered it, I've talked to several people who've had it done and they've all said "Uh-uh. Don't do it. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't do it."

I don't even think I want to undergo lap-band surgery. Although I've gotten more positive feedback on that procedure, the end-all and be-all of it is I don't do well with surgery, my insurance won't cover it and neither The Hubs nor I want me to have it done. So, I think I'm going in tomorrow with an ultimatum for my RE: either you work with me on helping me get pregnant the way I am (I will continue with Adipex, trying to eat right and walking daily) or I find another RE.

The Hubs and I are still discussing adoption (again) and trying to work out the kinks of life so that we can get started with this. I know this will be a pathway for us at some point of our journey, I just don't know if that's now or in the future. We're still wanting to explore our TTC options and go from there.

Right now I just feel extremely frustrated and sick when thinking about the RE. I get so upset and he gets upset with me when I go in to see him because my blood pressure usually registers high in his office. He then argues with me that I need to see my regular GP to get put on medication for my blood pressure, but when I see my GP, my blood pressure is normal! They won't put me on medication because it's not high! I'm convinced that the reason my blood pressure is high in his office is because I get angry thinking about him and the visit. Really not a good situation.

I'm sorry, I'm venting today. It does feel good to get it off my chest. I want to change RE's but I'm hesitant to do so. I don't really know why either. I'm just not sure what to do. However, if he doesn't give me some better information tomorrow, I'm going to definitely be looking into changing RE's.

Post-Mother's Day Anxiety

I hope Mother's Day was great for all of you moms, moms-to-be and those just celebrating your mom and, for those of us still dreaming of being a mommy, I hope you were able to make it through this holiday without too many tears.

This weekend was, understandably, tough for me. I spent most of the weekend reading. I finished two books this weekend, Grave Surprise by Charlaine Harris and Pandora by Anne Rice. It was the only way I could keep myself from crying and screaming simultaneously. Never before has a Mother's Day upset me as much as this one.

I did manage to make dinner for my mom both Saturday and Sunday and keep a semi-smile on my face throughout. Saturday night we enjoyed a meal of grilled steaks, homemade macoroni and cheese (my mom loves this) and baked beans and weenies (a favourite of The Hubs). Sunday's meal consisted of grilled chicken marinated in a honey teriyaki sauce, green lima beans, roasted potatoes in Italian seasoning and homemade cornbread. My mom enjoyed it. She also loved the bracelet The Hubs and I got her for Mother's Day. It is similar to a Pandora bracelet (but not quite as expensive - we are saving!) with charms of two boys - one with a January birthstone and one with a May birthstone - representing my brothers and two girl charms - one with a June birthstone and one with a November birthstone - representing my sister and I.

I think it was a good Mother's Day for her, apart from the fact she had to work. I hope it was anyway.

I've been feeling extraordinarily anxious all weekend and into the week as well. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel so nervous and worried inside. I feel like crying and I'm keeping a constant headache. I would guess it was nearly time for that witch AF to show, but I only finished Provera on Saturday night. I don't know what's going on with me, but I know The Hubs and my work colleagues are sure wishing whatever it is would hurry up and leave. For that matter, I wish it would too! I don't like feeling this way. I wish I could go somewhere by myself for a day or two and just hide away and mourn. For what, I'm not sure, but I feel a complete sense of loss.

I found out yesterday about the 2nd Annual Atlanta Walk of Hope. I wish I had known about it earlier, because The Hubs and I would have planned to attend. As it is, we now don't have time to do any fundraising or really make plans to attend. Although we do live in Georgia, we're about 4 hours from Atlanta, so it is a bit of a trek to make on no planning. So, we've decided to not attend this year, but to make definite plans to be there next year.

In the meantime, I've been on Resolve's website attempting to locate a local support group only to find that there are none in our local area. With that in mind, I have requested information on starting a peer-led support group in my area. I received an email back but haven't had a chance to go over the material yet. I'm hoping to do that later this week. I hope it will be something I can do. I'd love to have local support during my journey and I think there may be others in my area who could also use that in-person support. I hope you guys will give me moral support if it turns out to be something I think I can do. I'm hoping to work on this over the next year and be able to take a good-sized team to Atlanta for the 2012 Walk of Hope.

Well, I guess I should bring this post to an end and get on with work. I hope you all have a great Tuesday!

Some Days Are Just Better Off Slept Through

Picture the scene: I'm diligently working away at my desk when a knock comes at my door. The door is flung open by my ex-sister-in-law (who works at the same hospital as I do) who promptly announces she's going to be a nana! Her eldest daughter (half-sister to my niece Boop, but not related to me) is expecting a baby!

Terrible dream, right? In fact, it swiftly sails it's way into nightmare territory! Glad I could wake up from it....

Except, try as I might and despite pinching my arm quite severely, I didn't seem to be waking up. It took me a couple of minutes, but I realised that I wasn't waking up because I wasn't asleep. My ex-SIL actually had flung my door open to announce that her 21-year-old, unmarried, unemployed daughter was 2 months pregnant and she (ex-SIL) was incredibly happy about it and expected me to be overjoyed for her as well.

Guess what? Not so much joy coming from my corner of the room. In fact, I had to restrain myself from clobbering ex-SIL! I could understand her tactlessness had she not been aware of our TTC failure and the failure of our adoption, but she's in full possession of all the details. And, yet, there she was standing in my door and getting more angry at me by the minute for not jumping up and down in exultation.

Frankly, I wanted to slap her and her eldest daughter (come to think of it, my niece was actually not showing a lot of tact either). I can not believe that yet another unprepared youngster in my life is being blessed with a child and The Hubs and I are still struggling. It makes me so incredibly angry.

Explain to me how it is fair for my niece to become an aunt before I get the opportunity to be a mom? It's not. Not at all. It's really effing unfair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to my room to sulk. And, despite doing so well on my diet and exercise recently, I'm having a baked potato covered in sour cream, cheese and bacon for dinner tonight. I might even have 2. I'll revert to being good tomorrow, but tonight I'm letting disappointment, depression, dispair, hopelessness, bitterness and Provera win.

Treatment Thoughts

I bet you thought I would be avoiding you now that the Blogging A to Z April Challenge is over, right? Not so! I'm not all that fickle!

The Hubs and I have been talking and thinking a lot over the last month about what our options are in regard to becoming parents. We still want to pursue fertility treatment and we are looking at changing RE's. I'm aware my weight is an issue and I am working on that. However, neither The Hubs nor I feel our RE is supportive or willing to work toward the best options for us. He is really pushing gastric bypass surgery and, at this point in time, that is not something I'm willing to consider.

Before we definitely change RE's and continue with different options, though, I feel we need to know if continuing is actually in our best interest. The Hubs and I have discussed our individual thoughts before on what treatment we were willing to undergo and we have both expressed the opinion that we (at this time) don't feel IVF is the best route for us. We're both very aware that the success rate with IVF is only 35% and we know what our finances will allow. With IVF and adoption being of a similar cost but with more of a guarantee with adoption, we think, if it becomes a choice, adoption will be the road we choose. We want to do adoption anyway, so this was really an easy choice for us. In the meantime, though, we want to know if treatment is even a possibility for us. So far, my RE has not ordered an HSG to see if my one remaining tube is open and he has stated he will not order one until I have lost weight. I'm no expert, but this seems like more time wasting to me. Therefore, I think I'm going to see my regular OB/GYN and see if he will order one. At least then I would know if treatment was a viable option for us.

Now I need some help from you! Anyone who is in Georgia, I would like to know what RE you used and what your thoughts on them are. Would you recommend them? Or would you warn against them? If you don't want to put your thoughts in my comments area, you can email me with them.

Thanks so much for your help!